marriage advice from muslim women please!

[HardlyEverHoovers]

(and also non-Muslim women if you have any insights!)

Hello/asalam u alikumm and also Ramadan Mubarek. This is my first post, after browsing for some time, so please forgive me for any mistakes in etiquette.
I need some advice regarding my marriage, and from reading some old posts it seemed other muslim women may have dealt with similar issues. I'd be particularly grateful for advice from anyone who has managed to move beyond the point I'm at now.
I converted, by the Grace of God, to Islam about 8 years ago, I got married about 3 years ago, to a Muslim man from a different country, who has a position of authority within the Muslim community. We now have an 18 month old son and live in the UK.
My husband is great in terms of practical help in the house and with the baby and all that, and the bottom line is that he is a good man. However, he has restricted my freedom more than I could ever have imagined. There are a couple of things I do regularly (go to the local shops alone and meet wiht some Muslim women once a month a so) but to do anything beyond this takes a lot of negotiation and is met with much grumpiness and dissapproval. Even a simple thing as taking the baby to the park with a friend. I no longer am able to visit my family for a night without my husband, let along go and stay with friends. I don't attend any Islamic events or lectures (before marriage I was active in the Muslim community). I may occasionally be able to meet a friend or go to town alone, but I find the process of getting him to agree so stressful that I don't really bother asking.
Sometimes he will just say no, and not have a good reason, which is bad enough, but a lot of the time he gets his way by making everything around an event so stressful that I never do it again. Frequently I have been in floods of tears minutes before I'm due to go out, friends to arrive etc. I'm reluctant to resort to the word abuse, but this sort of behaviour makes me feel that way.
I am becoming very isolated, and I'm concerned that my relationship with my non-Muslim family, which has always been positive, is being affected.
On an emotional level I feel that I can't be myself. he doesn't respect my needs or my emotions. If I try to talk to him about how I feel, I get hit with the Islam hammer, and made to feel that my feelings are 'wrong' Islamically.
There was no warning of this before marriage, either in what I had seen of him (he was my teacher before we married) or in the discussions we had before marriage.
Because of the baby I've tried to keep a very peaceful atmosphere despite all this, but I am feeling I really need to take action as it is making me emotionally and physically unwell. I have had several miscarriages this year, and I believe that stress is not helping.
I've tried to be brief here, I can say more if needed. Has anyone dealt with similar issues in a positive way? I would hate the marriage to end and my family to break up, but I really can't imagine living like this forever.
Thank you.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

tzella of course you may

[worldcitizen]

crescentmoon Thanks very much, may peace be upon you, too.

I also find Chaz's posts on various threads wonderful, as in usually very thoughtful, sensible, informative, helpful, and educational.

[HardlyEverHoovers]

Hi everybody, I wanted to give an update of my own situation, and check how everyone else is doing.
After our difficult conversation during ramadan, and the less confrontational ones that came from that, things have improved greatly, although I am aware that there tends to be a period like this following an argument, and that if I don't stay on top of it, things might slip.
My DH has kept to his word (about 90% of the time at least) in that he agreed to change some of his behaviour and he has done. In the last week I've had what I would class as quite a busy week, and done social things that I haven't felt able to for a while, without having to tolerate the comments and moods that would normally accompany such things.
But what seems to be the biggest change is in my own attitude. From the advice from people on here, and some insights I have gained through attending counselling (alone), I have changed the way I think about his behavior, and because I am thinking differently, I am reacting differently. For example rather than shrinking away from his bad moods, I have teased him about being a grumpy old man, which has made him laugh. I even did an impression of him one day, which he found really funny.
I have also been conscious about having confidence in my decisions, and showing this, which makes it more difficult for him to question things and make me feel like I shouldn't be doing things. I wore a dress he's not keen on despite his comments, and the next day he suggested I wear it again. These must sound like small things, but when you have been feeling a victim of conrolling behaviour, they feel huge!
I hope others on here that have shared their difficult experiences have managed to move on in some way, it would be lovely to hear from you.
Thanks everyone for your help.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

HardlyEver

That's really good news.

I am glad you have found the strength and confidence to live your life in a way that feels right to you. I am pleased to hear that your DH is reacting in a more appropriate way to you. May this be the start of a more positive future.

[worldcitizen]

hardly what wonderful news. I don't think, it sounds like small things at all, rather the opposite.
How wonderful to come back and give an update. I haven't said anything helpful here, and yet I saved this thread as it is my favourite one so far.
It is so uplifting to hear how much strength and confidence, in deciding your next steps, you have gained from this thread.

[Frontpaw]

Great news! Small steps... You want to have your identity as you, not 'the Muslim wife of xx'.

It sounds like you do really love each other and are 'finding your feet' a bit. This happens, and if approached with the right attitude, you can work most things out, and compromise where necessary.

I wish you a long and happy marriage - it sounds as if you are both working at it!

[HardlyEverHoovers]

Oo, how nice there's still people here!
Crescentmoon, yes I think you're right about staying on top of things. I'll try and make sure I do at least one thing a week to keep him on his toes! Interestingly though, given the freedom I want I don't actually want to do loads of things. I like having a peaceful and organised house, and I'm not one of those superwoman types who can do it all (I know a lot of women who are though!), and I'm happy in the house. It's more about choice really, having the choice to go out and get some space if I need to.
Worldcitizen your previous comments were very helpful in reassuring me and others on here that it wasn't wrong to discuss these things in an open forum, so glad you like what has been said here.
Frontpaw/chaz, it would be lovely to think it was just teething problems, and to be able to look back in a few years and laugh about it. Lets hope so!

[worldcitizen]

hardly thanks. I do like it a lot and I have this now on my watch list so it doesn't disappear.
I have actually learned a lot myself and received lots of conformation for my beliefs and my views. I have also taken mental notes of the suggested websites and organisations, as there might be a possibility of an exchange with my country and hometown. I am here in Germany.

[HardlyEverHoovers]

worldcitizen, that sounds interesting, what do you mean my 'an exchange'?

[worldcitizen]

Sort of a community exchange..lots of money being available from the EU for that sort of thing.

[SanctuaryMoon]

I couldn't help but read this thread from the beginning, and I am so pleased that I did. I hope that it is okay that I comment, I am not Muslim and I know next to nothing about your religion however I hope that the feelings of calm and patience I feel stay with me and that one day I may be as gracious and dignified as you ladies here. Thank you for being open with your beliefs and views on relationships, it's really got me thinking about my own and what I might do differently.

OP I am very pleased to see your positive update, and for the other ladies struggling I hope that you can find a positive way forward.

[HardlyEverHoovers]

Welcome Santuarymoon (what a lovely name), thanks for taking the time to read and I'm so glad you got something from it. It's interesting you used the word dignity, all the time people ask me why I came to Islam, it's very hard to give a short answer, but the one word that I always come back to is dignity, which is what I saw in the Muslims I knew. I thank God if I've managed to take any of that on myself, and I suspect that I have a long way to go!
Worldcitizen that's a really good idea. Do you mind me asking what your background is? English/German/Other/Muslim/non-Muslim. No probs if you don't want to say.

[worldcitizen]

hardly I'll pm you

[HardlyEverHoovers]

Thanks!

[worldcitizen]

hardly PM sent

[worldcitizen]

crescentmoon how lovely of you to share this with us. Marriage is really a journey together, it seems.

[HardlyEverHoovers]

Aw that's lovely Crescentmoon, and fills me with optimism.
I think in this society we are short changed by ideals that are fed to us about what love/marriage should be like, leading to dissapointment. But the harmonious coming together of two souls is bound to take work, so good to hear that you stuck it out and got to a place you're happy with.
I must say that the parenting side of my marriage is the one place I have no complaints. DH does about 50% of the parenting I'd say.
I like your idea about not being a mother after 7. Despite taking on lots of elements of not so western parenting, bedtime at 7 is something I've stuck to, also with the use of controlled crying, as I really need that few hours 'adult time'!

[SanctuaryMoon]

I am afraid I have no advice - on the other hand, I have learned a lot from what you have shared and the discussion here. I'm feeling very dissatisfied in my marriage at the moment - my husband is a lovely man and an amazing father, but I feel so unfulfilled and empty. It has been helpful to read how you have approached the challenges in your own marriages as it helps me to see that I've been selfish and angry and trying to place blame where really there needs to be patience and kindness. It will be a challenge for me as I am possibly the least patient person on the planet, but I realise I have to take responsibility for how I am feeling and make the effort to make this marriage work as there are certainly no deal breakers (unless you consider his ever increasing book collection ).

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Sanctuary I am the book hoarder collector in our household. I've solved the problem by buying a kindle. Perhaps you could get your DH one for Eid or his birthday.

Following on from what cresentmoon posted. Marriages are dynamic and they will go through good and bad patches even when they are generally good. Whilst we have been married both DH and I have lost our last surviving parent and DH has lost two siblings. Sometimes you are in the boat rowing together smoothly and other times one of you is rowing like mad whilst the other is barely able to row at all. I have found with my DH that he is not so good at recognising how I am feeling so if I am struggling because I am upset or grieving I tell him exactly how I am feeling and what I want him to do (e.g. I am feeling sad right now I want you to give me a hug). Unless I tell him I need emotional support he often doesn't pick up on it but will offer lots of practical help like shopping and cooking.

My one big thing I have learnt is not to step in and take over, especially with household stuff and childcare, if DH changed a nappy in a different way to me it didn't matter because he had changed the nappy. DH likes shopping more than I do and he buys most of the children's clothes. Sometimes he buys things I wouldn't have chosen but he likes doing it and its one less job for me. It is healthy to let him do his fair share, he will be a more connected father and you will be more equal partners.

[SanctuaryMoon]

Chaz I love the idea of the Kindle, but my hubby loves books for aesthetic reasons - and he can probably tell you when and where he was when he got every book he owns - over 1,000 by now. Some are collectable, some he has whole the whole series, some he reads regularly and others he just wants to keep. He used to have a fit if I read any of them because he doesn't even crack the spine

I do love the analogy of rowing a boat together though I am sorry to hear of the losses experienced by you and your husband during your time together.

Right now I am struggling because I feel overwhelmed generally by life - we have a 17 month old daughter, and hubby and I both work full time. The house is usually a tip, I just can't seem to keep on top of the housework. The worst part is we have too much stuff for our small house - so it's really hard to keep it clean and tidy because there is stuff everywhere and most things don't have a 'home'. Hubs will help but I always have to ask, and often give clear instructions. I should be more patient, but it does get me down. Yes honey, the bin bags are under the sink, where they were the last billion times you asked. Yes honey, we have to vacuum again. Yes honey, the bathrooms do need cleaning again.

Sorry - I've completely hijacked your thread ladies - as you can see, a lot of resentment and anger to work through. I'm embarrassed that things like the state of the house get me down, but it really does!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Sanctuary - I am very like your DH about books. I have whittled down my collection to hundreds (Ok probably 600) now because of space issues and I have read them all at least once. I use my kindle for those books that are books I am likely to want to read often more than once but don't feel the need to physically own / collect. I felt it was a bit selfish of me, when we were short of space to take up quite so much of it with my books e.g. I cleared out enough books so there are two shelves for the children's books and I notice that they do go and help themselves to books now.

Too much stuff and lack of space is a common problem and it is really difficult to keep on top of things with a toddler helpfully undoing all your good work. I think you just have to do the best you can for now, things will get a bit easier as your daughter gets older as she will need less direct supervision and will help you with putting toys back in the box etc.