Partner violent. Dont know what to do

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

I have name changed for this.
My partner of 13 years has been vioent to me four times, the last time was yesterday evening but this was the first time in over ten years. We were out with friends, having a lovely lunch with some wine. Our 7 yr old daughter was there and our friends' children. My partner got extremely drunk and became aggressive when I suggested he didn't drink any more. We have had problems before when he has drunk heavily and he had agreed not to drink so much when out with me, an agreement he didn't stick to yesterday. Anyway it ended up with him shouting "Cunt!" at me over and over on our way home. I tried to film him on my phone because he always denies his behaviour the next morning (I think he genuinely can't remember). I can now see that filming him would wind him up more. Anyway he grabbed the phone and has smashed it to bits and he kicked me. All this in front of our daughter. I flagged down a passer by and they called the police and he has spent the night in custody.

The big problem I have now is what to do. I want to leave him but my daughter really doesn't want us to split up. I am frightened and don't know how to go about it. I have no one to talk to because I knon't want anyone to know.

Ring Women's Aid, and look on this thread

Stay strong. Posters are coming.

please call Women's Aid asap

i know your DD will want her parents to be together, but it's YOUR relationship not hers to call, unfortunately

he lost it, you need to take the control now

good luck

She can't make that decision, she's only little. She's probably scared and just wants everything to be ok.

I know that's right, a 7 year old can't make decisions like that. I can' think straight today.

please call

they will give you support, proper information relevant to where you live and help you and your DD

You did brilliantly flagging down a passer by and having him put in custody. Well done. You can be proud of yourself: you have given him and most importantly yourself the clear mesage that violence is not something you will put up with.

You say you want to leave, which is good, because that is absolutely what you should do. No-one should be afraid of their own partner, in their own home. Your child should not be exposed to this - it is damaging to her. And these lines of abuse, once crossed, are crossed again. Ad you know: you say it is his 4th incindence of physical violence against you.

The most important thing to accept is that he will not change. He hasn't so far, he "doesn't remember" his abusive actions, and so he is free to repeat them. Which he does, and will continue to do.

Your daughter, like all children, loves her parents and wants the stability of the home she has always knows. But you are the adult, and you know better: this particular home life is damaging to her. She is learning relationship models that she will repeat in adulthood herself, unless you remove both yourself and her from this situation.

Please get advice from the DV unit of the police station where your husband was in custody, call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247, and get the practical information you need to make your plan.

Do keep posting here and on the abuse support thread linked to above.

You can do this.

You need to explain to your DD PRONTO, that what happened between you and her father is WRONG, that there are organisations, charities and countless individuals that will help you protect yourself and your children from this ever happening again.

It is never right for a man to hit a woman, or a woman to hit a man.

No-one wants a relationship to end, even when there is violence, it's heartbreaking to have to come to terms with the fact that it's so dangerous, that it will never get any better and that it's harming you and your DC.

She needs to understand NOW that if you and she stay in this situation, it will make her think this is normal, and it isn't.

The only chance for her dad to get better is to see what being violent to his wife and abusing his children as a result does, is for you and the DC to leave him. THEN he may get help. If you stay, he won't. If you stay, it WILL happen again. If you stay, he could kill you. he will hit your DD when she is old enough to assert her opinion too.

You have to be as age appropriately honest and straight with her as possible. sugar coating it or making up fake excuses will harm you relationship long term, as the truth WILL always come out, and if you sell her a pack of lies, she will lose trust in you.

This is YOUR decision, YOUR responsibility and YOU have to choose to protect your family. This is not your fault, this is not your DDs fault, it is your H's fault.

The way you handle this will hopefully prevent your DD falling into the same trap when she is old enough to go out with men. The stakes are THAT high.

My son is 6, he was 5 when I had to have this discussion, he saw a lot less than your DD has seen.

Where is he now? have they let him go yet?

Please don't have him back in the house.

You need to leave. Your daughter will understand and thank you for it when she is older. Staying in an abusive relationship is showing your daughter a very damaging view of what adult relationships are like.

Thank you for all of your replies. It's helping to calm me down.

He hasn' been released yet. The police said they would let me know when he is released and where he is going. If he wants to come home I guess I can't stop him.

Your 7 year old cant make this decision.
How long before its her he is kicking her because she wants to go out with her boyfriend?
Contact women's aid.

Yes, your daughter will thank you when she is older

please call Women's Aid before he is released

you CAN stop him coming home, temporarily at least

OP, you sound weary, tired. {{hugs}}

You do not want him back in your home.

Yes he will most definitely try to return, to assert his view that he has done nothing wrong and that things should now resume as before.

Call the police and ask about how to have him barred from entering your home. The DV unit will have encountered this before.

Please call the Police DV unit now, please tell them you don't want him to come to your home.

Please be strong in this. Once you say NO, all you have to do is maintain that position. Please think of your DD, she can't see this happen to you again.

Please call WA too, please call everyone you can, please keep him out.

Definitely don't let him back in.

You've been so strong; now is not the time to back down. He will want things to get back to always going his way. You need to stay strong and keep saying No.

It's hard, but you can do it.

If it helps, I changed the locks to the house to prevent violent xh returning. It was technically illegal, but the police constable dealing with my case is the one who told me to, reassuring me that "no court in the land would take a complaint about it forward" since I had his violence on record.

Talk to the police. Tell them your wants and your fears.

falsestartered yes I am weary. I can't think straight and have had hardly any sleep.

I have spoken to a female police officer who is interviewing partner and then calling me back. I don't want to see partner as I don't want to get sucked back in but I think he will come here if only to pick up stuff. I am hoping police will stay while he does that and not let me be alone with him.

I feel so terrible. He is a good man in other ways. I feel sorry for him as he does not wish to be like this. But I know there's no excuse and yes badvoc you are right. How long before it's my daughter's turn?

You don't have to let him back in the house. Police will probably put him on bail with conditions not to contact you or reside at your house. If they don't do this then you can apply for an occupation order which will keep him out of the house and a non molestation order which will keep him away from you. You should also expect a call from your local social services - don't panic, they will support you in keeping DH away and keeping DD safe from witnessing future violence.

yes you can stop him coming home. you do not have to have him in your house - and you should not as there needs to be some time for him to reflect.

if while being away he can seek help for his issues and acknowledge them -well who knows but right now best thing you can do is send a clear message that he cannot be in your home.

your dd can see him in a few days, supervised, in a public place eg with trusted friend or relative.

call womens aid - there will likely be a local org who can support you in person too ask police dv unit or local council website for contact details.

it has happened before and will happen again unless he really really addresses his issues.

dd will be fine - it is frightening and confusing but she will understand

oh and remember violent people are not like this all the time - abusive people have a good and charming side. it is typical. they do not abuse 24/7.

but it could only take one time to really hurt you or dd.

Hi OP,
I work in this field so can give you some advice on what to expect from the police next.
Once your P has been interviewed he will be charged or cautioned depending on whether he has wholly admitted guilt and if he is eligible for a caution. If he doesn't wholly admit it the Officer In the Case (OIC) will take the case to CPS for authorisation to charge - which they will give. DV is a high priority and there are several aggravating factors from the circumstances you have given.
He will be given a first appearance date for court and either remanded in custody (very unlikely) or released with bail conditions. These would generally include a bail address other than the matrimonial home and conditions not to contact you save through a 3rd party regarding contact with your DD. He may be given a condition that he can attend the home accompanied by the police to collect his stuff.

He will then appear at his first court hearing to enter a plea of guilty or not guilty - if he pleads NG we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

You should be put in touch with an independant domestic violence advisor that works for CRI - they support victims and are able to help you with both practical and emotional support. If you don't get this information ask you OIC how you can get in touch with your local IDVA. The OIC should make the referral in any case.

hi - so sorry this has happened.

if you have him back after your dd witnessing what he did to you you will literally be telling her it is OK for a man to treat her like this.

i know that sounds blunt/simplistic/etc but it's true isn't it? you will be giving loud and clear permission for men to treat her like this because mummy taught her it was ok.

for both of your sakes don't have him back. ask the police if there is anything they can do to prevent him coming back to the house - not only has he been violent to you he has been a child abuser by forcing his dd to witness dv - there must be some way to protect the two of you from his presence.

As your daughter witnessed this the police are required by law to inform Social Services. So do not be offended when they contact you. It is no reflection on the polices opinion of you as a mother. And dont panic. They are there to help.

You have done the right thing by having him arrested and deciding not to take this anymore. Stay strong and keep posting if you have any other questions on down the line!!

I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope that both you and your daughter can access suitable support to get you through this difficult time. I imagine that both you and your daughter must be feeling a conflict of emotions.