Partner violent. Dont know what to do

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

I have name changed for this.
My partner of 13 years has been vioent to me four times, the last time was yesterday evening but this was the first time in over ten years. We were out with friends, having a lovely lunch with some wine. Our 7 yr old daughter was there and our friends' children. My partner got extremely drunk and became aggressive when I suggested he didn't drink any more. We have had problems before when he has drunk heavily and he had agreed not to drink so much when out with me, an agreement he didn't stick to yesterday. Anyway it ended up with him shouting "Cunt!" at me over and over on our way home. I tried to film him on my phone because he always denies his behaviour the next morning (I think he genuinely can't remember). I can now see that filming him would wind him up more. Anyway he grabbed the phone and has smashed it to bits and he kicked me. All this in front of our daughter. I flagged down a passer by and they called the police and he has spent the night in custody.

The big problem I have now is what to do. I want to leave him but my daughter really doesn't want us to split up. I am frightened and don't know how to go about it. I have no one to talk to because I knon't want anyone to know.

[GoranisGod]

He is devastated and alone?-good he deserves to be. He is a vile excuse for a human being and please dont delude yourself otherwise. He has repeatedly HIT you-dont let your daughter believe that this is in any way acceptable. You will ruin your dds life if you do....

[JUbilympiX]

People will still see you as powerful because you have dealt with it, made the decision and are not going to soften and let him back in after he's boo hoo-ed a bit.

They will see you as brave and honest because you have the guts to tell them about it.

They will admire you because you are taking decisive steps to protect your child.

You are all those things.

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

anyfucker I don't think that, in fact I am proof that that is not the case. I just can't present myself to people as someone who has had this happen. I don't know exactly why, it just makes me feel that people won't know who I am any more......it's hard to describe. I just can't do it. I was supposed to be meeting a close friend on Thursday, who I have known for over 30 years. I have had to cancel because P has taken the car but I can't tell her what's happening. I just can't. I can't tell you hw it makes me feel to even think of someone finding out.

[Kernowgal]

OP I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support here. Please, please, please don't take him back. I was like you, when I split with my abusive ex I was consumed with guilt at the thought of him being alone and miserable, and it made me take him back one time too many. It also stopped me from finishing with him when I should have done, because I was scared for him, that he might harm himself. The irony is that in not breaking up with him, I was then constantly scared of him. I felt completely trapped. I also didn't want to let his kids or his family down, which he knew and played on. In reality I think if they'd known what he was really like towards me, they'd have urged me to get out themselves.

I'm thought of by my peers and workmates as a strong woman - yet I was terrified of my ex. I have only told two people exactly what he was like; neither of them know him. My workmates all know him and think the sun shines out of his arse. If I were to tell them just quite how awful he was towards me I don't think they'd believe me, or if they did, it would make things very awkward indeed. I'm currently trying to find a new job because it is all too close for comfort at the moment.

You have to change your mindset to see that he has brought all this on himself. It doesn't matter what the reasons are for him being like this - you can't change him, only he can, if he wants to. Of course he's devastated, you've finally had enough of him whereas he thought you'd never have the courage and he could treat you how he liked. Mine openly admitted to taking out his resentment on me. Not anyone else, not a counsellor, just me. The one closest to him at the time and the one who did all she could for him and his kids and his family.

You are a strong woman - that shows by your recent actions. Hang on to that.

[AnyFucker]

Then you are attributing that mindset to others

That isn't fair

[swallowedAfly]

of course you still feel some care and concern for him. that's natural enough.

doesn't alter the fact that that care and concern has to be overshadowed by your care and concern for you and dd and the climate you get to live and breath and grow in. sadly he's shown himself to be toxic and unfit to be a part of that climate. that is sad - for you, for him, for dd. doesn't alter the truth of it though.

[sassy34264]

i remember having a conversation at university with a mature student on my course about dv- she had suffered it, and i just could not understand how someone could stay with someone who hit them.

less than a year later- boom- a punch in my face. i stayed for almost 6 years!
and im quite the feisty bitch.

[sassy34264]

sorry- put dcs to bed and the thread has moved on quite a bit!

[sassy34264]

i felt exactly like that op.

i think everyone who has suffered dv does. it's a bit like, it's all in your mind though, and when you do tell, you wonder what you were worried about.

i would in your position just think of one person in rl who you could possibly face telling. you really do need to talk/get rl support from just one person at least. im not trying to force you to do it- obviously- im just trying to help you based on my experience and i know it helped immensely telling people. that scared/humiliation etc just disappeared. trust me it will.

[solidgoldbrass]

I consider myself a tough bitch, but it happened (in much smaller ways) to me, too, years ago.I considered myself 'strong enough to take it' at the time. In the end I was strong enough not to put up with it. You are strong enough not to put up with it any longer, you can save yourself and your precious DD and none of it was your fault anyway.

The bottom line is that this man basically considers women inferior. To him you're like a pet dog or something, when you 'misbehave' you need a beating to put you in your place. He might well consider that he loves you, but you're only a 'woman' and he's always going to believe that he owns you and can do what he likes with you.
He won't change. Abusers never do, because of this incredibly deep-rooted belief in women's inferiority.

[PooPooInMyToes]

He won't change. Abusers never do, because of this incredibly deep-rooted belief in women's inferiority.

If that's the reason they do it then why do some women abuse men?

[AnyFucker]

There are many different reasons why people of either gender abuse another

Child abuse being another example. Elder abuse being also

I think discussing all those other possible scenarios will bring nothing to this thread, tbh

From what OP has said, it is clear why this man has abused, and will continue to abuse her

Male on Female Spousal abuse follows certain patterns as efficiently described by Lundy. No more, no less.

[TheHappyHissy]

"For me to openly admit that this has happened and in some form or other has been happening for years, is just impossible"

... And THAT dear reader is why OP was targeted in the FIRST PLACE.



Abused women are NOT fluffy, doormat coloured mice. They are (IME) all wonderful, clever, outwardly successful, happy, strong, and often beautiful women.

I did the Freedom Programme (15 women) I go to a DV group for about another 10-15 women at max, So that is about 30 women in total.

There are 30 members in a DV FB group I belong to. I've seen pics of all of them. GOR-JUS, every last one of them.

In addition to this there are the ones I've never seen, the dozens if not hundreds of women on MN who have helped me, or me them.

Every one is spirited, intelligent, witty, kind, loving and caring individuals.

Not one of us wanted to admit to being abused, but we are and we were.

You seem to be blaming yourself for this, carrying a guilt that is not yours. You very much ARE the kind of woman this happens to, IME, you are typical of the women I know.

Please read the Lundy Bancroft book, it will free you from all this, really it will. Trust me.

You ARE the woman everyone knows you as, you are loved, admired and respected. But not by your H. he hates and resents you, he will destroy you and your DD if you let him.

I know that sounds over-blown, but it really isn't. He has to destroy you to make himself look fabulous, he can't step up to your image, to your level, so he has to drag you down.

[TheHappyHissy]

"He won't change. Abusers never do, because of this incredibly deep-rooted belief in women's inferiority"

He won't change, no. That is true

Abusers never do.... again pretty much true, almost never ever ever.

In the case of DV - both male and female perps, the abuse stems not from the belief that the other partner is inferior, it stems from a deep rooted belief in the perpetrator that THEY are inferior, so therefore they initially admire the partner for their strength, popularity, kindness, softness etc... those very qualities they hope to glean/absorb from their victim is what drives them to hate in them.

The nicer we victims are, the stronger, the kinder, the more caring we are, the more the perp hates us and seeks to destroy us.

[tribpot]

The truth will set you free, OP. It sounds almost trite, but it's true.

You have built a particular public version of yourself (we all do, that's not a criticism) and you think people will not accept a different public version of yourself. But they will. I know the only reason why I have been able to cope with admitting to my drinking problem is that I did so freely - to family, colleagues, friends. It wasn't easy; it was necessary. These things have to be real, however painful they are.

You are a strong woman with a problem. Your problem is different from mine, in some ways easier in that it's not of your making, in some ways harder, in that my 7 year old doesn't want me to carry on drinking :) (I haven't asked, I'm assuming on his behalf).

Hiding the truth risks him coming back into your life without having made all the changes he's promised to make. Hiding the truth makes it possible to minimise what has been done. Hiding the truth denies the real strength you have - the strength to get out, to protect your dd.

Tell your friend why you can't meet her on Thursday. You have no reason to be ashamed of what has happened.

[AnyFucker]

agree with all trib said

except I would ask your friend to come to your house, and I would tell her everything

[struwelpeter]

As well as Lundy, phone Respect and look at their website and also the Freedom Programme website. Your abuser doesn't need anger management, he needs to do a course accredited by Respect, who run DV perps courses across the country. The majority of people on their phone line are men and have worked with abusers for a long time. They know the processes, the reactions, the guilt an abuser will try to lay on you.
Like many of the other posters here, I was abused and kept thinking I could fix it somehow and I fell for the guilt, poor little me victimhood stuff. I felt guilty because I wanted to believe it was something external to my ex, or extenuating circumstances or something. Anything to think it wasn't inside him and a few little instances could be dealt with. But abuse is abuse is abuse. I was once told being called a c* was ok. It wasn't for me and especially not in front of my DCs
And like Hissy, I know plenty of women who are strong, caring, compassionate, thoughtful and conscientious to whom DV has happened. It's not you, it's him. As to the answer to Why Does He Do That - the simple answer is because he can, because he knows how to push your buttons and he has real, deep fear of being shown up to be an angry frightened little boy.
Take his list, read it in a few weeks time and ask here, or WA or Respect or a counsellor who specialises in DV about it and about what conditions you want for any further contact with him.
It may take a while to be able to speak about what has happened or find the appropriate words for different people, but now I do speak out at different levels in different situations, because one thing abusers want is that you will collude in their "little secret" of what goes on behind closed doors. There will be people who don't believe you or don't want to know, but the real friends and probably some who you don't expect will understand and support you.
What is important now is you and your DD and a future for your both free of abuse.

[VicarGoingForGoldInKungFu]

where is he now OP?

what did the police do? was he charged? (im also a police officer.....)

the DV unit should be in touch with you shortly (usually within a few days in my force) and they could advise and help you on where to go from here.

Womens Aid are amazing and i wholly advise you to call them pronto. And remember - the shame is not yours to wear. you need to ditch anything in your head that makes this hard for you to bear - its his doing and his alone.

[Longtalljosie]

HappyHissy, thank you for your post. I'm at a distance of nearly a decade from my own DV experience, but what you say about the perp being drawn to strength etc then seeking to destroy it really resonates.

[TheHappyHissy]

Thanks Longtalljosie! you are welcome.

The dynamics of an abusive relationship are this:

The reeling in phase:
This is the time you meet them, get swept up, love bombed and fall head over heels for this wonderful person who seems utterly perfect in every single way. You feel a strong physical reaction, often the second you meet them. A spark. You think this is A SIGN. You follow it, you crave it and you have to have it.

What is really happening?
This creature is projecting everything that HE/she wants BACK. They are not doing this to woo you, to make you feel good, to make you feel loved. You don't even feature on their landscape, they are doing all this to hook you so that YOU give them BACK what they give you.

Except you don't know this. You don't know that they are pouring in to you what they don't have, they are making herculean efforts to get what THEY need, adulation, respect, admiration, happiness, confidence. They see that you have it, in spades; they need it, so they set out to take it.

But it's a cruel drug, it's highly addictive. To them it's like crack, they need more and more and more, and you just can't supply them with what they need to fill the yawning chasm where a human being ought to be. You lose power as they steal it from you, you try harder and harder to do as they wish, to behave as you are expected to, to keep within their ever changing rules. They see themselves in you and then they hate you for it.

[TheHappyHissy]

Ijustdontknowwhattodo If you do nothing else love, please call WA and tell them about how you feel, about the shame. You will not be the first to feel this way, we all do/did.

I've cried on their shoulders once, when I couldn't verbalise my pain, I could type stuff out here, but I couldn't open my mouth and I needed to phone and sign up to do the Freedom Programme, i needed to attend a group as I was totally and utterly alone in RL.

My DM and DSis both literally abandoned me, shut me out and sent me to coventry. It was the hardest blow I've had. added to this, the shame, the monumental stupidity I felt at myself, the shame I had in having a poor innocent child with a man like him, it was all too much.

I got more support from MNers than I did from my own family. Many of those that were there for me then are here now, you couldn't hope for better support.

I'm a year on from there, I am so much stronger than I have ever been in my life. I see things with a clarity that is pin sharp, and I know who should and should not be in my life. I am Hissy, but I am HAPPY, hence my MN name.

[mcmooncup]

You rock Hissy

I totally totally get your pinpoint clarity comment.........it's like I've come alive again.

OP, you have to stay away.

[TheHappyHissy]

Thanks mcmooncup (awesome name!) Bloody well done you!

I feel like I'm living a new life, i look at life and people with childlike curiosity tbh, live is a wonderful thing, people are bloody marvellous. Those that aren't? don't figure in my life any more.

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

I can't thank you all enough. Your support really is helping and I have woken ( can't beleve I slept! Probably because I had no sleep at all the night before) full of resolve. I have invited my friend to come here instead, don't know if she will, it's a long way, we were going to meet inbetween. If she does come I think I will tell her.

DD is going out for the day with a friend so I am going to soend the time doing practical things, finances etc and getting in touch with WA and looking at Respect.

[tribpot]

By all means look at Respect, OP, but remember it isn't your problem to fix him, or give him a roadmap of what he 'has' to do to turn the situation around.

Hope your friend can come and see you - I'm sure if you explained how much it would mean she wouldn't hesitate.