Partner violent. Dont know what to do

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

I have name changed for this.
My partner of 13 years has been vioent to me four times, the last time was yesterday evening but this was the first time in over ten years. We were out with friends, having a lovely lunch with some wine. Our 7 yr old daughter was there and our friends' children. My partner got extremely drunk and became aggressive when I suggested he didn't drink any more. We have had problems before when he has drunk heavily and he had agreed not to drink so much when out with me, an agreement he didn't stick to yesterday. Anyway it ended up with him shouting "Cunt!" at me over and over on our way home. I tried to film him on my phone because he always denies his behaviour the next morning (I think he genuinely can't remember). I can now see that filming him would wind him up more. Anyway he grabbed the phone and has smashed it to bits and he kicked me. All this in front of our daughter. I flagged down a passer by and they called the police and he has spent the night in custody.

The big problem I have now is what to do. I want to leave him but my daughter really doesn't want us to split up. I am frightened and don't know how to go about it. I have no one to talk to because I knon't want anyone to know.

[ElephantsCanRemember]

Abused women are NOT fluffy, doormat coloured mice. They are (IME) all wonderful, clever, outwardly successful, happy, strong, and often beautiful women.

I know this was posted a while ago but i really wanted to pick up on it. I admit I have no experience of being in a DV relationship, however I grew up in family where it happened. My mum was a rebel (think single parent in the 60s then was in an inter racial engagement (that didn't last)) she was confident, vibrant and larger than life in her personality. After 20years she was reduced to a shell of the woman she had been.

As a child I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, I was never made to feel bad about confiding in what was happening at home, indeed I was encouraged my mum (maybe encouraged isn't the right word but definitely never made to feel bad if that was what I needed to do) but i was astute enough to know what would happen if I did.

When people say "anger management" is required it makes me so mad (ironic eh?) because the problem is, is that men like this manage their anger perfectly.
I said on a previous thread just a few days ago (that was deleted after the OP took her DH back even though he had punched her in the face and then went to sleep afterwards), if a man (or anyone) is truly and honeslty disgusted and ashamed about the way they acted then they wouldn't want to come home until they had found help, they wouldn't want to put their loved ones in danger. If he genuinely wants to be different, then he will want to do it whether he is with you or not.

PS please don't feel ashamed telling anyone what has happened. The hardest thing for me was trying to confide in people about what my dad was doing, but mum was protecting him and kept up with the "he is stressed and a good man" so I felt like nobody would have taken me seriously.

[struwelpeter]

Dear OP have a , and another for good luck. Great that you have the chance to have your friend on your own without DD and that DD is having a nice, everyday, normal time with friends.
Allt the posters here are ready to hand your many more to carry forward whenever you need it.
Re Respect, I highly recommend it, not because you want to 'fix' him, but just to give you an idea of what's going on in his head to make him act as he di and so that you get rid of the guilt, shame or any sense that you are to blame for anything.
It's useful to know the script of his behaviour so that you gain Hissy's pinpoint clarity - and she is one of the most insightful women on here. The opening chapter from Lundy's book about the tree is a great analogy - it might seem a bit schlocky at first but it really does make sense for the future.
Post, lean on the collective strength of mums net and I hope your day with your friend goes well.

[TimeForMeAndDD]

I didn't want anyone to know either, I didn't really want to tell anyone what had happened to me but I realised by not telling people the truth I was protecting him. Abusers rely on the silence, they don't like their outside image to be shattered. If your H is as remorseful as he says he is then telling people is all a part of his 'recovery', people knowing forces him to face up to what he has done.

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP, you have done nothing wrong. Telling people is a good thing to do.

[notalot]

Hi OP, I'm a name changer as I'm easily recognisable from my other name. Can I ask you about some of the practicalities of what you are going through? I hope you don't think I am hijacking your thread, if you think I am please PM/post and I won't post anymore. It just feels safer for me to get advice in a thread instead of starting my own in case DH finds it.

When I read your post I was shaking - I thought I'd somehow posted in a stupor because your experience is so similar to mine. At the weekend my DH physically attacked me for the 4th time, after a comment from myself that he didn't like. Although he didn't kick me, he hit me repeatedly and threw me off the bed. He also said 2 things that were the worst thing anyone could ever say to me (about my past) which hurt more than the physical things. My DH is only violent when drunk too. He is the last person anyone would think is violent and I'm no doormouse. The difference between you and I is that I haven't told anyone apart from a GP, who I saw about an injury. They arranged for me to see a local domestic abuse service today which I can't attend. Sorry I'm being vague but I have to be. The questions I would have asked there, I am going to ask here;

When the police were called did they ask to see/photograph any injuries?
Did you have to give a statement?
Did they say that informing social care would happen due to your daughter being involved?
What did they say about your DH returning home?
Did they ask if you have Mental Health issues?

I am asking because I have a few bruises but my main injury isn't visible. When he has attacked me before I haven't even known if it would be considered domestic abuse, I'm such a fool. Were you ever unsure it was abuse? Did you ever put it down to just stupid drunken agression? I feel like such an idiot to be so confused about it. Sorry and thanks.

[TheSilverPussycat]

Just to say re MH issues notalot mine (at least for the past twenty years) were down to my marriage, only I didn't realise it. I know this as they have gone away since I started divorce proceedings (absolute was in Feb)

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

notalot I was kicked just once on Sunday and yes the police did photograph my knee but there was only a scuff to show, thankfully.

Yes I gave a statement. They didn't ask me if I have mental health issues. They said SS would probbaly not be in touch because they were satisfied DD is safe but they might just phone. The police offered some sort of follow up service which I accepted. They said that they can't stop P coming home but he hasn't and I don't think he will. He is away now close to where he works which is three hours away from here.

This morning I have made a list of all the things I don't like about P and my life with him. Top of course are aggression, assaults and humiliation but I wrote a total of 31 things without a momant's pause. I am going to read through this any time I start to feel myself weaken.

Today I am occupying myself with practical matters. Just discovered I can't claim tax credits. It's going to be very hard finacially.

I know I haven't mentioned all of you individually but I have read all of your posts and find them incredibly helpful. I have always thought of our situation as very mild. i don't feel like an abused woman, but then what does one feel like? It doesn' t happen eery day or even every week but the shadow of it is always present.

Those of you who have said that if he really loved us he would want to keep away to keep us safe have made me realise that wanting to come home is him just thinking of himeslf. He isn't thinking of us at all.

[notalot]

Thank you op. You have been really helpful and inspiring. You seem very strong but I can detect the flat numb tone from your posts - I really identify with that feeling.

When I was on the phone to the DA people yesterday and I listed the assaults it didn't feel real. It felt like I was talking about someone else. I don't feel like an abused woman either but I know I do feel scared more often than I should. You have been really really brave to make the decision to have him out of your life. Have you made any decision to tell people yet? I totally understand about not wanting anyone to know. I suppose it's the silence that allows it to carry on but you have stopped it now by speaking out when it happened. Well done.

[AnyFuckerWillMakeDoWithBronze]

OP, you are a brave woman. I don't think you realise it, but you are.

Please stay strong.

[TheHappyHissy]

notalot, please call WA and talk through things with them, they will help you access RL support, or keep things anonymous if that is what you need to do right now.

What will serve you BEST is for YOU to proactively seek to get your injuries seen by Dr, by Police and logged.

You are numb atm, like it's not real. Well in a word it's not. You have been living in a false world for so long, normalising the most abominable behaviour, but now the truth has risen up in front of you.

the fear will pass, and a lot sooner than you think actually, that really surprised me when it was me going through it.

notalot, talk her, ask for help here, you'll get in in spades. WA will help with advice, practicalities and RL listening. When you are ready to make changes, you will be able to make them.

Make sure you stay safe, call the police if there is any concern for your safety, don't think twice.

[TheHappyHissy]

OP, writing the list is a great idea! I did similar when I needed resolve to go through with him leaving, and me making that a permanent arrangement.

Hurt like hell, physically, but i reminded myself that I'd never ever get a lie in, or breakfast in bed, or a holiday somewhere nice, or a weekend away, or a night out if I stayed with him. I knew that all my friendships would be an 'issue' for him, that I'd have to fight for every one of them, answer to him, struggle with him spending the teeny bit of money I had and not paying me back until the bank was screaming at me.

Write your reasons, read them whenever you wobble (and you will, we ALL do) but do whatever you need to do to stay on the right path, and that is to keep him away from you.

There IS no Plan B. he has to stay gone.

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

I am having a wobble. The things you mention thehappyhissy don't apply to me. We have a lovely life in many ways: holidays, weekends away and I do see my friends even though most of them live some way off from us. In fact these things will be much reduced for me now because I am going to be absolutely broke. I know in the scheme if things feeling safe and confident and stopping my daughter from ever having to see this sort of thing again is far more important. P has just phoned and left me a messgage because I didn't pick up. He is clearly in a terrible state. I can't help but feel very sorry for him.

[struwelpeter]

Notalot, it is hard if not nigh impossible to process what has happened. For me it felt like one of those slo-mo bits in a film when the car crashes through the plate glass or I could see myself almost from the outside when I realised the tipping point into violence had happened. Talk to the Samaritans first if actually voicing it seems unreal, but WA are your best bet - keep trying as the lines are often busy.
Do, do contact the police and make statements. A paper trail and evidence is very important as it means he can never brush it off or dismiss it as not important. Basically you have someone independent and who knows about the impact of DV and that will give you strength in the future.
And dear OP, I know it's hard and goes against every caring, kind and compassionate bone in your body but feeling sorry and letting the person you abused know you are suffering is not taking responsibility for his actions. It is still about him - want to shout that.
He can't fix it on his own, you certainly won't get any support or recognition if you try to fix it for him, so please, please detach. The only responsible thing he can do is make the effort to sort himself out and he needs to do that on his own and because he sees he needs to do it for himself, not on the promise that things go back to how they were before.

[HighJumpingHissy]

He is in a terrible state because he is not in control of you anymore.

Don't kid yourself that this is remorse. Seriously. YOUR feelings mean NOTHING. He wants to come home cos he is worried about how it looks and what it means about him. NOT that he assaulted you. YOU mean NOTHING. Your DD means nothing. Trust me.

The panic I saw on my Ex's face the day I took him to the airport was terrifying, I went into shock. he knew he'd lost me and he unravelled before my eyes.

Your H kicked you (that was my Ex's prime choice of assault) to kick someone shows a level of disgust and resentment that is off the charts. seriously.

You are wobbling, told you that you would. Your reasons are your reasons, mine are mine. The suffering I had to deal with was immense, some here know what I went through. Ex was rarely violent, but psychologically cruel and my day to day was mostly a torturous existence.

So your's kept you in a golden cage, to the outside world all is wonderful, but when the excuse came, a few drinks, and he let himself free. He repeatedly called you a Cunt, kicked you and smashed a valuable item of yours, one that could be used by you to summon for help. IN. FRONT. OF. YOUR. DAUGHTER.

Mine never called me a Cunt, nor attacked me in front of a child old enough to understand; he kicked when our DS was out of sight. Except once he threw something at me, DS was in the next room, heard the crash only, but that alone gave my 5yo nightmares for weeks.

Your's attacked you so badly the police took him away. If he does this now, what about the next time? You know there will be a 6th time, if you let him back.

What about when your DD grows up and challenges him? He WILL hit her.

yes things may be a little tight for a while, but he will pay maintenance for her, and you will put your life back together, you will grow, you will see how much time you lost. You will cry, you will feel stupid, but you will see that none of this was your choice for him to treat you like this.

Please get the Lundy Book? please download it if you can? it really will answer all your questions, it'll help you see how futile it is to try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Once you see that, everything gets so much easier, so much clearer.

[AnyFuckerWillMakeDoWithBronze]

You must detach, OP

Easier said than done, of course

But if you don't, you will be right back to getting called a cunt, kicked (and worse because they always escalate when they get away with it) before too long

is that what you want for your daughter ?

don't take his calls, texts, emails etc and for the love of all things holy, do not see him face to face

[peugeotcycle4]

op talk to WA and have a look at some of the case studies on this document from Respect. I would highly recommend talking to people in RL, i'm thinking more of professionals involved in domestic abuse than friends and family , as they will have the experience and emotional distance to be straight and honest with you. www.respect.uk.net/data/files/lobbying/lobbying_tool_with_refs_20.7.11.pdf

[notalot]

Just want to say thanks to the OP, struwelpeter, Thesilverpussycat & hissy before I bow out of this thread and think about starting another of my own. You've all given me lots to think about, shame I can't take action at the moment but at least I'm thinking instead of pretending it never happened like the last few times.

Good luck OP and I hope you've got far along today in sorting out the practicalities of your new life.

[HighJumpingHissy]

notalot Where you are right now is where we all have been. At the thinking stage.

You don't need a thread of your own if you are not up to it, you can pop along to the Support for those in Emotional Abuse threads if you feel better able to open up there?

That goes for ANYONE on this thread or lurking, please don't suffer in silence, please come along to the thread and ASK questions, test out your thinking. it's the beginning of a very long and slow path, but it's the right one to take.

[HighJumpingHissy]

Never forget that there is a Message poster link for a reason.

If you think someone could help you off board, if you are not up to being out there on a thread, it won't hurt anyone to ask will it?

[TheSilverPussycat]

Seconding Hissy I don't have my own thread, my situation was too complex to condense!

[swallowedAfly]

hi. op sorry if this comes out as waffle that seems irrelevent - not sure how to put this into words.

when you have to live in a state of denial it is mentally exhausting and damaging. when we want things to stay as they are but really they clearly need to change we have to deny stuff, swallow it, ignore it, not see it etc in order to pretend things are fine and not face having to deal with them. to avoid change/disruption/challenge/whatever we have to create a sort of false consciousness and we're actually surprisingly good at it.

when you do face reality or are forced to by events that can be really confusing and disorientating. the desire to go back to 'normal' can be strong - we tend to want what is familiar and what we are used to and we don't tend to like disorientation and hard feelings or change. maybe it's a bit like waking up from a very deep sleep - it's uncomfortable and we want to just roll over and go back to sleep again. even if the 'new' is much better than the 'old' reality it still feels hard and we still have the urge to go back because we are creatures of habit.

maybe try to recognise that - to give credit to the fact that ok this is uncomfortable and i don't like being uncomfortable so naturally part of me is keen to just switch it off and go back but this will pass, i can push through the uncomfortable bit and i do want to live in reality even though it is uncomfortable whilst i'm acclimatising to it.

as i said that may all have come out as meaningless waffle!

[swallowedAfly]

damn it was waffle and i missed this: we don't realise at the time how exhausting that denial is and how having to ignore reality is so draining. we get used to living like that. i promise you that once through the adjustment period you will have so much more energy and life because you're not using it all up on keeping the truth buried.

it takes some getting used to but on the other side there is so much more freedom and authenticity. it will all be worth it.

[Longtalljosie]

I certainly came to the conclusion with my ex that words were just tools to him. He would say anything, in any combination, either to reduce me to rubble or to hook me back in. There was no check or balance there that what he said was true or accurate or fair. And I also found, OP, that when I eventually decided enough was enough he ramped up the pressure more and more, because he was doing what had worked before, just turning the volume up and up. When that didn't work he got angry and insulting, and eventually just started coming out with all sorts of random shit to get any sort of a reaction from me...

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

I thought I'd give you a bit of an update as I had so much help that saw me through the horror of Monday and Tuesday.

I am fully resolved. I have taken steps now that will make it very hard to take P back ( not that I want to) such as telling people, buying a car, rearranging household bills etc.

P is enroling on a Respect course and is fully clear that it's over. He is mortified but accepts that I can't take him back.

I feel very up and own. At times I'm calm and determined at others weepy and filled with pity for P. DD is remarkably fine, although missing her dad.

Thank you everone who posted. It really did make all the difference.

[Longtalljosie]

Oh well done Ijust. It's very hard at first - you miss the "making up" persona and kid yourself that's the real person - but you've done a fantastic thing for yourself and your DD.

[tribpot]

Well done, Ijust.

I think there's no reason not to pity your ex, but you cannot solve his problems for him, and he cannot safely conduct himself around you and dd. This is the best outcome for you all right now.