Partner violent. Dont know what to do

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

I have name changed for this.
My partner of 13 years has been vioent to me four times, the last time was yesterday evening but this was the first time in over ten years. We were out with friends, having a lovely lunch with some wine. Our 7 yr old daughter was there and our friends' children. My partner got extremely drunk and became aggressive when I suggested he didn't drink any more. We have had problems before when he has drunk heavily and he had agreed not to drink so much when out with me, an agreement he didn't stick to yesterday. Anyway it ended up with him shouting "Cunt!" at me over and over on our way home. I tried to film him on my phone because he always denies his behaviour the next morning (I think he genuinely can't remember). I can now see that filming him would wind him up more. Anyway he grabbed the phone and has smashed it to bits and he kicked me. All this in front of our daughter. I flagged down a passer by and they called the police and he has spent the night in custody.

The big problem I have now is what to do. I want to leave him but my daughter really doesn't want us to split up. I am frightened and don't know how to go about it. I have no one to talk to because I knon't want anyone to know.

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

He is being cautioned. I have agreed to go out so he can come home to collect his things but I have said he must go. According to thepolice officer he is mortified, sobbing, totally accepting of his guilt but he wants to come back which I knew he would. I am going out so he can come home briefly but I will need to find strength to stick to my guns.

Thank you for all of your advice. It has really helped me on this desperate morning.

[FalseStartered]

aw, bless him

i've done some pretty embarrassing things whilst drunk but hit/kick/verbally abuse my nearest and dearest is definitely NOT on the list

fucking diddums to him

have you called anyone in RL yet?

[ErikNorseman]

It doesn't matter how nice he is usually, he is vile and abusive underneath, which comes out when his inhibitions are down. If you let him back in you will be doing the wrong thing by your daughter let alone yourself. So what if he's remorseful now? It's not the first time and it won't be the last time he will be violent to a woman.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Well done you for having the wisdom to stay away and to be wary of being sucked back in.

Here's wishing you the strength to stick to your guns - I'm sure you have it in you!

[ChelseaBun]

I have been where you are. When I got the remorseful sobbing I really really believed it wouldn't happen again. It got worse.

He is going to make damn sure he gets you alone and he will work on you and you will be so tempted to believe that it will never happen again.

I have no doubt he doesn't want to be like this and he's had a huge wake up call - waking up in a police cell. Right now all he wants is to make it right with you and have his old life back.

You must be strong and see what's really going on here.

The man needs to get professional help and you two need to be apart. If you take him back you are giving him the message that you will forgive him anything.

I am single and I am loving it - only when you break free do you realise how much stress you were living under.

[cestlavielife]

agre with being strong here - is good he accepts guilt - my ex did too - but dont for one minute think he is thinking of anyone but himself here with these tears.

ok so he accepts guilt. good. let that be on record.
let him go off and sort out his problems eg drinking etc for some months.
then you might be able to talk ....

[PooPooInMyToes]

He sounds like my ex from many years ago. He would be aggressive and violent, mostly when drunk. I am always amazed that these men carry on drinking even though they know what they get like. It sort of shows intention or at least a massive lack of responsibility for their actions.

I never had mine charged and i could of done as there were quite a few witnesses. I regret it so much. I've seen him on Facebook with his wife and two children, god help them!

Hope you are ok op. Did he hurt you much when he kicked you?

[Olympia2012]

Has he got somewhere to go to?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Olympia, that is not the OP's concern. Her partner is a grown man and can look after himself.

[Olympia2012]

Er, yes, it is

Having been there myself I'm wondering if he has a place to go.... A proper place, not just a night on someone's sofa lined up as it's all so very easy for him to phone you and lay on the guilt trip and get you to back down op. Which is why I'm asking about his arrangements. Better if you know he is somewhere which cam be at the very least, semi permanent. Gives you peace of mind too.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Doesn't matter if he's on a friend's sofa, in a bin bag, or at the Ritz: he will still endeavor to guilt his way back, and OP's peace of mind can still come from the knowledge that he is a grown man who is solely responsible for himself.

[sassy34264]

i really hope you stick to your guns and dont let him back. this is the hardest bit - getting him out of the house- so many women struggling with it, emotionally, the guilt, and him refusing to go. you have done it.

well done.

i really really hope for yours and dd's sake, you see that he wont change, that you both deserve better and that your life will be better without him in it. im 11years this sept from being free of my violent exdp and i wouldnt go back and change a single second of it- i wish only that i left him sooner.

he will never make your life better by being in it- iyswim?

[wheredidiputit]

police officer he is mortified, sobbing, totally accepting of his guilt but he wants to come back which I knew he would. I am going out so he can come home briefly but I will need to find strength to stick to my guns.

I supect he was the other 3 times to, it hasn't stopped from behaving the same.

[Olympia2012]

Yes sassy I agree. I'm 7 years on now and remember those first few shaky days when I felt easily swayed. It's the most difficult time, second to actually making the break

[sassy34264]

i assume he has a car?

which means he has some where to stay.

[MrsTomHardy]

Stay strong....

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

He has been home and taken some stuff and gone. He has sent me a long email saying all the things he will do to turn things around including anger management classes and seeing a counsellor. He tried to phone too but I didn't pick up (we have caller display).

I have told one friend whom I just happened to bump into that we are splitting up but not why.

Yes he has somewhere to stay as he works away quite a lot so has some lodgings three hours away from home.

His email has such a long list of things he will do, I can feel myself softening slightly. I am so confused.

[Olympia2012]

That's a relief for you!

[toyzebra]

Am glad he has been and gone.

DO NOT SOFTEN. This is the fourth time he has done something like this to you, and, more than that, he did this in front of your daughter.

Do not feel guilty for her sake, either, you are doing the right thing. I know its hard. i still get waves of guilty over ending things with DSs dad. He was physically violent towards me on one occasion, I warned him if it ever happened again I would end things, and he made a move towards me again a while later, this time whilst I was holding DS. You are protecting her, and you are teaching her how she deserves to be treated. She will be confused, she will be angry, she will be clingy, but in the long run she will be grateful.

Well done for not answering his calls, delete the email so you can't sit there rereading it late at night and convincing yourself he can change. Because he can't.

Make sure you tell at least one person in real life why you're splitting because this will be hard for you, and you need someone who knows what has happened to discuss it with in detail. This won't be the only email he sends you.

Stay strong, for yourself and for your daughter.

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

It's contact that makes me soften. I am firming up again now. It's not as if this is the only thing wrong with our relationship- although it is by far the worst thing. I have often thought of leaving him so really must do it now.

[Ijustdontknowwhattodo]

Also apart from the four times he has physically assaulted me he has smashed our house up once and shouted at me in an aggressive, very frightening way many times. Last time was in front of our daughter and another close relative which I found very humiliating.

[ringsnthings]

I would let him plough through his list before you start to even consider carrying on with this relationship.. if ever.

I would recall the look on your DD`s wee face when you feel yourself "softening slightly"

Sorry you are having to deal with this though.

[TheHappyHissy]

He repeatedly called you a CUNT in front of your daughter.

He's hit you many more times than once, he's humiliated you. The police believed you, they kept him overnight.

All this stuff from him is just words. Don't soften until he DOES all he says on his list.

Don't negotiate, it's his time to prove he's safe to be around. Don't soften, it could be the death of you, or your DD. She could end up in a relationship like yours if she knows no better.

This is your chance to save her, to save yourself.

[TheHappyHissy]

My son's younger than your DD, he loves his dad. However when his dad alluded to coming back to see him, he had a week of nightmares, scared Daddy would throw something at mummy again.

What your H did is worse than what mine did. I'm free, my son is happier than ever, and his confidence is higher than ever before. He's thriving.

[swallowedAfly]

if he is genuinely remorseful he will crack on and do that list even if he never hears back from you again.

wait him out. wait and see what happens when he doesn't get the reaction he wants from being 'sorry and willing to do anything'. see what comes next and then when that doesn't get the response he wants see what comes after that. your dd has seen him scream aggressively at you (perhaps also seen him smash the house up?) and get away with it. she's now seen him KICK you - don't let her think that's ok too.

maybe someday in some sad way you can come to be glad of what happened as the real 'shot himself in the foot' moment that allowed you to easily get away from him and out of this relationship with the back up of the police and others.