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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner violent. Dont know what to do

153 replies

Ijustdontknowwhattodo · 30/07/2012 09:43

I have name changed for this.
My partner of 13 years has been vioent to me four times, the last time was yesterday evening but this was the first time in over ten years. We were out with friends, having a lovely lunch with some wine. Our 7 yr old daughter was there and our friends' children. My partner got extremely drunk and became aggressive when I suggested he didn't drink any more. We have had problems before when he has drunk heavily and he had agreed not to drink so much when out with me, an agreement he didn't stick to yesterday. Anyway it ended up with him shouting "Cunt!" at me over and over on our way home. I tried to film him on my phone because he always denies his behaviour the next morning (I think he genuinely can't remember). I can now see that filming him would wind him up more. Anyway he grabbed the phone and has smashed it to bits and he kicked me. All this in front of our daughter. I flagged down a passer by and they called the police and he has spent the night in custody.

The big problem I have now is what to do. I want to leave him but my daughter really doesn't want us to split up. I am frightened and don't know how to go about it. I have no one to talk to because I knon't want anyone to know.

OP posts:

sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 19:37

false well for a very simplistic answer- who else is he taking his 'anger' out on?

im presuming he keeps his anger in check with his parents? his siblings? his boss? his workmates? his friends?

you get the picture- not quite an anger problem is it?

i second you read lundy's book- i think it is absolutely brilliant.

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2012 19:38

and seriously a man who repeatedly screams CUNT and KICKS his wife in front of his 7yo dd? it says a lot of things to me about who and what he is and 'ah he just can't control his temper' isn't one of them.

sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 19:38

x post swallowed

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2012 19:42

realistically if you had such a problem controlling your temper that you couldnt' stop yourself from screaming cunt repeatedly and kicking your wife in front of your child and trashing your home then you probably wouldn't manage to hold down a job either, you probably wouldn't have made it through school without a string of expulsions and you'd probably have quite the criminal record by his age.

it isn't a temper problem - it's a misogynistic, MY home, MY wife, My property, you should all know that i am the big man and i own you and can do what the hell i want problem.

the remorse isn't because he hates what he did but because he realises he can't get away with it. if everyone had whimpered, scurried around and tried to appease him there'd be no remorse imo. the remorse is from realising he's pushed too far and could lose everything. true remorse would see that person NOT WANTING to come home and not trusting himself to be around the people he loved until he got sorted, if that was possible.

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2012 19:43

sorry x posted with loads and sorry for bluntness but seriously a temper problem doesn't make you kick your wife in front of your child - being a complete and utter arsehole does.

PooPooInMyToes · 30/07/2012 19:50

I do believe that anger problems can be overcome, I've overcome mine, with help.

But when i was in an abusive relationship that was more about jealousy, control, insecurity etc. Im not convinced my ex just had an anger problem, he also had other much more complex stuff going on. I doubt he will ever change because he actually thought he was entitled to physically hurt any girlfriend that he thought might be cheating on him (he told me this) Even just talking politely to another man would set him off.

Why do you think he kicks off op? Is there usually a pattern?

Original poster

Ijustdontknowwhattodo · 30/07/2012 19:52

You are right, he doesn't do it to anyone else. That's extremely sobering.

The trigger yesterday was because I asked him not to drink any more. Because of past problems he had agreed not to get very drunk and not to drink spirits. Both happened last night. I was very gentle (for obvious reasons) in asking him not to drink more but the touchpaper was lit anyway.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 19:54

OP, does he call other people cunts and kick them ?

or can he restrain himself when it's his mate, a bloke in the street that's bigger than him, his boss ?

if he can, he doesn't have an "anger" problem... he simply feels, deep down (no matter what pretty words he spouts to deflect you from the truth) that he has the right to abuse you

after 4 times, he won't stop

and those are just the times he has physically assaulted you....you allude to a pattern of much more regular verbal and emotional abuse

he won't change love, and why would he when you keep going back and hiding his shame from the public gaze for him ?

FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 19:58

i do get the picture, i was asking because having escaped a violent relationship long ago, but my exH was nasty to everyone (i thought i was special, he never hit me until we were married)

i think we need to be careful with the theory though, as it can easily be misunderstood and used to blame the victim.. DV is DV, no matter who else the perpetrator attacks or does not

sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 19:59

just to add- it's not a drunk excuse either. ie, it only happens when he drinks, as once again, he would be lashing out verbally and physically with everyone.

dont let him blame it on the drink- he might only be hitting you when he drinks, but it is something to hide behind- not the reason.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 20:01

no, I don't this way of looking at people who perpetrate DV blames the victim at all

I think it places the blame squarely where it belongs...on the person who thinks themself entitled to abuse another

PooPooInMyToes · 30/07/2012 20:01

My ex used to get into fights with other people, but he definitely saved the worst for me!

sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 20:05

it might be twisted by a dv perp false but the theory is the facts.

he has a problem only with his dw/dp because he believes it's his right to treat her that way. she is his in his mind, therefore not a separate person with her own rights. the only other people they usually treat this way is the children. again they feel entitled to.

read the lundy book. he is a counsellor in usa who runs an abuse program for men who abuse their partners. he's been doing it for over 20 years. its not some airy fairy self help book.

FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 20:09

i totally see it and agree with it, please don't think i'm disagreeing

sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 20:11

i love his way of dismissing pissing all over the anger excuse.

he asks the men, when they were hitting their wives, and they were on the floor or cowered, why did they not just put the boot in- really give her that last good kick, to stop her getting up?

reactions include aghast 'you cant do that, you'd kill her' 'i'd get jail'

proving they have the control to only go so far.

he says in all the years, he's only had 2 men say 'i dont know'

mcmooncup · 30/07/2012 20:13

Well done OP. You are doing amazingly.
Just one thing on the telling people the reason why you split. I was of the firm view that I would not collude in lies and told people the truth - I have nothing to hide.

And here's the fucker with this stance, some people chose not to believe it anyway, such is the power of the patriarchy and the superficial charm of the psychopath. But, I comfort myself with the fact I told the truth. I have nothing to hide and people think what they think, period.

What I'm saying is you can't really win either way, so don't sweat it. But telling the truth is what we want our children to do..........

I am glad you are safe for now. The apologies are painful, the wavering hard, but I think from what you are saying, you will never have him back. And that's just awesome . Life without men like this is superb, just superb. You won't realise the extent of your brainwashing for a wee while, but life on the other side where you have peace is just lovely. Your dd will thank you for it, I guarantee.

mcmooncup · 30/07/2012 20:15

Also, my ex used to say he couldn't remember. He could.
It was a lie. A way not to have to face up to what he had done. He has even admitted this to me since.

Funny how your h was able to remember last night's incident with the police but couldn't remember the other occasions. Its bullshit. In it's purest form.

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2012 20:19

OP - thanks for sharing that. i'd say the asking him not to drink anymore does fit under the, 'made him look small' category. so you needed to be put back down to size - how very dare you think you could make a suggestion or dare to question HIM?

sober is good! stay there x

BertieBotts · 30/07/2012 20:21

Just be on your guard in the next few days, weeks, months OP, because he will try every tactic, it's all in the script.

I definitely agree with getting hold of a book, the Lundy Bancroft one or The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Pat Evans. They help to explain the thoughts and processed behind abuse and also spell out the patterns so you'll be able to see them coming. I haven't read Evans but Bancroft outlines the drink thing as a myth of DV as well.

Freedom programme is also useful as you can explore these issues with other people who have experience and it helps bring your confidence in yourself too.

You are free :) Stay safe, stay free.

Original poster

Ijustdontknowwhattodo · 30/07/2012 20:24

The thing is, I know I'm someone who others perceive as powerful. I am confident, have a good job and quite a full-on personality. For me to openly admit that this has happened and in some form or other has been happening for years, is just impossible. I can't explain why properly but writing this upsets me so much. I am nothing if not hearty and strong. But the rsult is I am uttely alone with no one to tell and no one to talk to. I just don't know what to do.

Also, although I am resolute in not wanting my partner back I also can't bear to think of him devastated and alone. I don't have a vengeful mind: to me it doesn't serve him right, it's just desperately sad.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 20:28

Yes, it's sad

For all of you

He has to own that though... the minute you let him back into your sympathies and listen to the pretty words, you are doomed and so is your precious daughter

FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 20:28

you are not alone, we are here with you

many of us have escaped violent partners, you can do it too

mcmooncup · 30/07/2012 20:28

It is a myth that strong women don't get abused.
In fact, it may be argued that they often stay longer.................because they can 'handle' it.

I am exactly as you describe. I realised that actually over years I had developed a very strong view on many external things e.g. politics, work (I have my own Social Enterprise) and feminism (ha ha), but I think I did these things because I was unable to face up to my personal problems. I was the last person on earth...............

I have opened up, you don't have to be alone. It's a whole new experience. Counselling helped a lot. MN is invaluable. Lundy Bancroft a living saint.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 20:29

OP, are you of the opinion that only stupid, desperate or needy women get battered by their partners ?

Don't buy into that bullshit

lentilweavinghippy · 30/07/2012 20:32

Leave him. Your daughter is too young to have any say in this now but she will thank you for it one day. Please don't let her grow up thinking that relationships are supposed to be like this.

Good luck, stay strong x

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