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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner violent. Dont know what to do

153 replies

Ijustdontknowwhattodo · 30/07/2012 09:43

I have name changed for this.
My partner of 13 years has been vioent to me four times, the last time was yesterday evening but this was the first time in over ten years. We were out with friends, having a lovely lunch with some wine. Our 7 yr old daughter was there and our friends' children. My partner got extremely drunk and became aggressive when I suggested he didn't drink any more. We have had problems before when he has drunk heavily and he had agreed not to drink so much when out with me, an agreement he didn't stick to yesterday. Anyway it ended up with him shouting "Cunt!" at me over and over on our way home. I tried to film him on my phone because he always denies his behaviour the next morning (I think he genuinely can't remember). I can now see that filming him would wind him up more. Anyway he grabbed the phone and has smashed it to bits and he kicked me. All this in front of our daughter. I flagged down a passer by and they called the police and he has spent the night in custody.

The big problem I have now is what to do. I want to leave him but my daughter really doesn't want us to split up. I am frightened and don't know how to go about it. I have no one to talk to because I knon't want anyone to know.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 30/07/2012 16:14

saying what he will do means nothing until he has actually done it.
let him go off for six months and do everythin on his list.

in meantime only talk but only on email to make practical arangements.

sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 16:18

the thing is with softening..........you will spend waste more of your life going through this same relationship/abuse, until you end up right back at this place you are in now. it could be in a month, 6 months or even years. but you will get back to this exact point again, and you will wish you hadnt softened. i guarantee you.

Original poster
Ijustdontknowwhattodo · 30/07/2012 17:32

I gave told him on an email that he needs to do the things on his list whether or not we are together. I have been very clear that it's over. He is desperate for more personal contact but I know I must avoid that. It's just so hard when you have spent so long with someone and have real feelings for them..I know he will be devastated for a very long time.

It will make it more real for me and harder to go back if I tell a few people that we have split up but I don't know wat to say because I don't want to tell anyone what has happened. Also I have no mobile (stamped on last night) so I haven't got half the numbers I need. Orange were crap today. Won't have a new phone till at least Wednesday.

OP posts:
FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 17:34

why don't you want people to know what happened?

please be honest

Onthebottomwithawomansweekly · 30/07/2012 17:40

On a practical note can you rescue the SIM card from the mobile, you may have some of the numbers on it?

If you have another old mobile you can put the SIM into it and it may work till you get your new phone.

Can you get Orange to change your number so that he can't contact you?

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 17:52

I am sure you are not the kind of woman that puts a relationship with a man before the welfare of your daughter. Are you ?

Original poster
Ijustdontknowwhattodo · 30/07/2012 18:12

anyfucker i certainly hope not. I am being firm.

I don't want people to know that I have been living under threat. I find it humiliating. Also I don't want my partner to be known for this as he never shows this sde to anyone else and terrible as it is, it's not his whole personality, but once people know that's all they will see. I don't think that's fair.

OP posts:
FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 18:18

that is very honest of you, OP.

i am so sorry you are going through this, but you realise it's your DH that has humiliated you, 'it' is his behaviour

have you called WA yet?

sassy34264 · 30/07/2012 18:18

you dont think its fair for people to know the real him? i think its very unfair that they are being hoodwinked.

but

i felt how you feel at the time too. it's because you still love him. it will pass.

it helps to tell someone- makes it more real and less likely for you to go back. i told my mum about 4 months after i left.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 18:20

Of course it is fair that people know the truth

If you cover for him, you collude with him. So you still play the game and dance to the DV tune.

Why should you be the one that feels shame ? The shame is all his

If you continue to take on his shame, you will be back with by the end of the week

You "hope" you are not that sort of woman ? Love, hope is not in it. This is within your power. Hope left your relationship a long time ago. Time to get real now, and protect your daughter.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 18:21

back with him

Original poster
Ijustdontknowwhattodo · 30/07/2012 18:21

I haven't called WA yet but will do later when DD s in bed or in the morning when she s out with her friend. She us amazing by the way, so steady, so wonderfully innocent.

OP posts:
FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 18:23

that makes it all the more important you get away from him asap

don't let him destroy that innocence. because it will

mummytime · 30/07/2012 18:30

Do call WA, and you might want to do the Freedom Program.

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2012 18:42

bear in mind that if you don't tell anyone and keep this secret you force your daughter to keep the secret too.

if you don't tell your family and friends then she can't talk to them about what she has witnessed and how she feels.

you literally force her to be silent and teach her to keep silent and not ask for help and support when a man abuses you but instead to protect him.

it's not a lesson you want her to learn.

tell people so she is free to tell and talk to whoever she wants/needs to.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 18:44

totally agree with saf

you want to keep quiet for your own sake, and for an abuser's sake

you have a choice

your daughter does not

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2012 18:45

seriously - one of the biggest ways abusers seem to keep hold of their victims is by getting them to stay silent and feel they can't tell or talk to anyone. don't groom her for that! show her the thing to do is talk, talk, talk. it will be her biggest protection imo.

also being made to keep your parents secrets - even if they never say you have to but just make clear by their own silence that telling is not allowed - seriously damages your relationship with them and others. it is incredibly lonely and frightening and confusing. trust me.

Longtalljosie · 30/07/2012 19:04

Certainly when I left a violent relationship, telling people that I was leaving because he hit me was one way of ensuring I never went back. All the time I'd pretended he was a normal person, I would have had support to go back. Are you quite sure you aren't keeping this quiet because on some level you're hoping to smooth things over? Because it won't be smoothed over, you know. It's too late for that. He broke this, not you. He called you a cunt in front of your daughter, smashed your phone and attacked you.

You must let your daughter know this is not OK. She may say she wants daddy back but what she really wants is for it never to have happened. That's not on the table.

Original poster
Ijustdontknowwhattodo · 30/07/2012 19:25

I have told my daughter that if she wants totell anyone she can. I know it's not fait to ask herto keep in quiet. If she does tell people that will then give me a bridge to cross.

Regarding keeping quiet to protect my partner, I suppose I feel that what he has done is inexcusable but I genuinely believe that he thinks that too. He doesn't want to be like this one bit.

Do you really believe that no one can ever change and deal with their anger issues? I just don't know the answer to that but I know that in life in general I always hope that people can change and I believe there is dignity in forgiveness. That's not to say I am softening now, I just awant to think about all the possibilities.

OP posts:
FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 19:27

i think a person can deal with anger, with counselling and therapy. but it will be hard for them, and they need to want to work on it.

but he will still be the man who hit you, you cannot change that

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2012 19:29

i don't believe dv IS an anger problem.

FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 19:30

tell me more saF?

FalseStartered · 30/07/2012 19:31

is it you think that there has to be a underlying feeling of 'right' to oppress your partner and this only come through when there is a catalyst sort of thing?

because i think this too, but only just realising it

TheHappyHissy · 30/07/2012 19:32

Sorry to say, but the 'nice' H is the fake H.

That's the mask he wears to the outside world. It helps to discredit and isolate you.

Please read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft, it'll tell you pretty much all you need to know.

He's choosing to do this to you.

swallowedAfly · 30/07/2012 19:35

well for a start these men who can't control their anger with their wives/children/girlfriends tend to manage their anger perfectly well around their bosses, parents, friends, men who are bigger than them etc. it's that when it comes to the women closest to them they somehow feel entitled to take their anger out on her and entitled to blame and project his own emotions upon her.

i'd also be curious to know what triggered him - did the op have too good a time? did she shine too much? did she get more attention than him? did he feel at some point that something she did or said made him look small? did she not put another attention into making him look big?

i think dv is often about control and the belief that your partner has a place beneath you and you have the right to put her back in that place.

it reveals a lot more about a person than anger imo.