MIL meltdown

[seoladair]

Please give gentle answers - I am feeling bad, and am looking for kind advice, not a debate...

Since I became pregnant, my MIL has become very controlling and intrusive. My baby is now 14 months old, and we had a bit of a meltdown when she was just 6 weeks. There were lots of issues, for instance her saying "that baby is very fat" - you should put her on a diet", when she was 6 weeks old. She also got angry because my husband and I chose a hospital near my parents instead of near my ILs.

I have struggled all year to keep everything on an even keel but we had a meltdown yesterday over a small, silly thing - she has given us endless junk for the baby. I am in favour of second-hand things, but only if they are in good condition. She knows this well, but ignores it. DH and I have managed to tactfully reject 2 second-hand car-seats in the past year, and we've explained why.

Yesterday DH (a very tactful, gentle man) said that we wouldn't need the second-hand potty and stained loo-seat cover she had acquired for our baby. She also had some toys that were filthy. One of them looked as though it had been chewed by a dog.

An explosion of Vesuvian proportions ensued.

She was hollering at me in front of my baby, who got upset. I am very concerned that this will happen in the future, and undermine my daughter's view of me.

I also suspect that it's a control issue. She said "We do things our way", to which I replied "no, DH and I are baby's parents, so we would prefer to do things our way".Although they are a wealthy family I'm not saying they should spend much on my baby- I'm just tired of the emotional blackmail that accompanies the grubby pieces of baby junk, and would rather she didn't get it for us.

She also said she was very angry that I was only staying 2 nights. I stayed with them 3 weeks ago, also for 2 nights, and MIL babysat at our place 2 weeks ago, yet she was complaining that she doesn't ever see the baby. She also complained that my parents see more of the baby (not really true - sometimes they do, other times ILs see more of her - it just depends on what DH and I are doing).

Her daughter is estranged from her - I don't want the same thing to happen. I do want my daughter to know her paternal GM, but am concerned that I will be undermined more and more as my daughter grows up.

Sorry it's long....

"My DH said the other day, when we were arguing "You are going to have to accept that you have a difficult MIL" "

And so to appease her she must be allowed to babysit-fuck that!

Wow, Narrowboat when you put it like that, it is pretty persuasive!

I would be tempted to place it her local paper, but then I am beginning to learn that I may have passive aggressive tendencies (although not altogether sure why that is a bad thing )

at Beryl.

It is fact that you have a difficult MIL. That doesn't mean you have to pander to her.

I think it's the inequality of the relationship which makes it so hard to handle.
My Ils seem to feel they can be as rude as they like to me, but heaven forfend that I might refuse to put up with it....
I think they see me as an extension of my DH, who is still about 12 in their eyes, so by extension I am about 12 too and they assume they have parental "rights" over me. So they feel free to crash through all my boundaries, because they don't think that I, being 12, should have any boundaries or should have any right to expect to be treated with respect.

My ils seem to feel they can be as rude as they like to me, but heaven forfend that I might refuse to put up with it...

Selodair I could have written that! Did I mention that we don't speak to one of dp's family. Two other members are currently "demanding" an apology from dp for standing us up, shouting and then ignoring dp on a family occasion. Apparently, we fall out with everybody . I think we just don't tolerate crap. There is a major family fallout between someone at every get together, seriously. The others just then pretend it hasn't happened. I could write a book!

I think it's the inequality of the relationship which makes it so hard to handle.
My Ils seem to feel they can be as rude as they like to me, but heaven forfend that I might refuse to put up with it....
I think they see me as an extension of my DH, who is still about 12 in their eyes, so by extension I am about 12 too and they assume they have parental "rights" over me. So they feel free to crash through all my boundaries, because they don't think that I, being 12, should have any boundaries or should have any right to expect to be treated with respect.

Thats exactly how my pils also try to treat me! My dad said they see him as useless and a right off ( doesnt have banking job in city like sister), and your an extension of him and also a right off.

I too have often thought - " I didnt sign up for all of this" the unexpected impact these people have had on my life has been horrific.

It has been unbelivevable they have literally clouded every horizon and nice thing - my dd's birth - after - my birthdays i stupidly invited them too - dds baptism, our wedding etc etc etc.

I dont have any adivce for you expect that you have to keep approaching the problem from differnt ways until something gets through to your DH.

As you know its not the in laws - its how the DH is with them. I htikn i suggested before you relate - i dont know what you said or if you have been or if DH would go, it might be good you going for a session or two by yourself...as they specialise in marriage probelms IF you get a good counsellor - my one session was very helpful....we came away feeling more united ....and lots of talk of boundries...

I have made a descion now that unless they start to treat my DH with the respect he deserves - and my default me - but mostly DH - they will be held at beyong arms lentgh and i certianly will not hold my tongue with them should there ever be another altercation.

my dh is like yours though - he knows what they are like - he was in theapy due to them - he has them in a good perspective but he quickly forgets the constant bad behaviour, and he feels guilty because of his mother. Its been hard enough for me - as DH isnt good at standing up for me, alloweing his DF to verablly attack me days after giveing birth - but i do know he has them clearly in persepective and does love me.

I honeslty couldnt cope if he was pandering to his mad mother and trying to force me to fit in. its like your DH simply bends to whoever puts thier foot down more.

I know lots of people and probably you the most wouldnt like this - but I would actually move out if i could - if you had a friend or relative where you could comfortably live for a short while - to really bring home several things to your DH

..........how does he like living alone? would he rather go back and live with mum? how much does he value your life together nad you and your happiness?

That actually YOU dont have to acept you have a difficult MIL because you can and could LEAVE HIM AND THEM to get on with it....

If you leave him, then that could present a whole other set of problems for him with his DM as you could move anywhere in the country or world etc and he would have to share his time seeing DC with her!

It may make DM sit up - not that she wuold care that her DS marriage was imploding due to her - but that she is one step further away than she was from DGC.

You are utlimatly free.....nothing has to be as it is - people do move across the world to escape MILS like her!

I know its dramtic but soemtimes - you have to rememver life is short - you are not getting through to anyone - you are not happy...your DH is bending your lives to fit in with a highly mad and dysfunctional lady....and you dont want that.

somtimes throw the cards up in the air and see how it goes...

Quirky, maybe you should keep a diary. It would make interesting reading in the future, when the dust settles!
I was browsing this board last night, and came across a thread about a man who won't properly commit. I had a semi-boyfriend like that years ago. At the time I was terribly upset, but now, years later, with a lovely committed husband and 16-month old daughter, the romantic travails of 2003-06 seem meaningless. Back then, I would have LOVED to have had MIL problems!
Hopefully one day my IL troubles will seem just as meaningless.
Has anyone had difficult ILs who have improved with time? I'd love to know.

Do you think she may have mental problems of some kind because who in their right mind would buy a baby second hand dirty toys and all the other weird junk she buys?

Crinkle: Well, she's self-righteous about the second-hand stuff. My ILs are huge social climbers and I think they've read somewhere that posh people go in for hand-me-downs for kids. Which is fine, if the stuff is in good condition. I think she has been giving horrible stuff because she subconsciously knows it annoys me so she's doing it as a sort of power game.
Eliza thanks for your post. It raises lots of issues - I will reply later!

I had very difficult inlaws but the relationship improved no end when they died...though the aftermath lingers on.

Oh no...with your DH or rest of family?

I think if your MIL misbehaves the best policy is to leave and keep repeating (politely and calmly through gritted teeth) that you won't tolerate x behaviour. To your dh as well as to MIL. I think whoever suggested it upthread you could make contact negotiable with her good behaviour ie if she is civil then you might visit or allow a visit.

We have had it said to us that MIL is difficult and we won't change her. No, but we can change the way we react to her. For example she threatened to disinherit dp when he called her up on spreading malicious gossip about him, so he said fine and walked out. She was very contrite afterwards. Perhaps ask your dh why he thinks his wife and child should be treated this way. Also, he needs to know that pretending it isn't happening isn't going to make it go away. In fact it will only make it worse. Has he read the toxic in laws book?

Eliza, luckily most of the family occasions haven't involved us but there have been a few... there has been some kind of bust up or other following every single one. Appalling behaviour that goes unchecked, and then you are supposed to pretend it hadn't happened. I don't think they actually know how to discuss and resolve problems. It makes for loads of underlying tensions. Would make a great soap opera .

MIL is well known for buying awful presents and being rude about presents others buy her. When dd1 was 3 she kept buying her cheap coasters .

Long-time lurker here.
You could point out to your DH that if he is simply going to take the line of least resistance all the time, it is in your interests to become even more difficult than MIL. That way he'll have to start appeasing you, and telling her to lump it...

Hi seoladair. In a nutshell...they were toxic. My DH suffered a serious breakdown in his health after their deaths which I believe was caused by the long term stress of dealing with them and their shit in the last five years of their lives. His whole family were utterly bloody for most of the time. Dysfunctional just doesn't do them justice.

I found that black humour helped a lot.

I am so, so grateful for this thread. elizaregina, great post, I could have written 'I do know he has them clearly in perspective and does love me' about my DH and his parents, but he also allows tantrums and awful behaviour by MIL to pass by without comment, which upsets me as I feel hugely undefended. I would far prefer a 'That's enough!' from him toward his mother, than a 'I'm so sorry. She is appalling.' from DH as we drive away. We are seeing her this weekend, AND the one following, God help us... too much! DH is struggling to establish appropriate boundaries, and I DO NOT want to be the one to do it. I feel it MUST come from him. But how? This thread is helping to light the way ahead, thank you to all, and solidarity with you, seoladair!

EldritchCleavage - awesome!

I completely feel for you... I haven't seen my DPs mother for around a year now. She caused all sorts of issues after we had DD, 1week post natal she called DP to accuse me of being a liar as i'd said visitors weren't allowed on the LABOUR ward (which you're not, I was discharged after 6hrs so never transferred to a normal one), turning up at the house and walking in without knocking (when asked to call first, DD was 2weeks old and I was sometimes sleeping/half naked, she refused to come back and told anyone who'd listen that I wouldn't let her see her GD), anything i mentioned I didn't like/want for DD she bought and proudly presented to DP eg I don't like character stuff on babies cue minnie mouse t-shirts*2 and pjs, we're going to do BLW- puree cookbook, don't like denim on small babies- jeans for DD, you get the picture. She then laid a guilt trip on DP when DD was about 6weeks that she was crying herself to sleep because she wasn't getting to be a proper grandmother as she didn't get to have DD on her own to take her out etc. She proceeded to bitch about me to anyone who would listen until I called her and asked her to stop spreading lies as we live in a small town and its inevitable I'll hear about it to which I got a stream of vitriol down the phone alongside all the 'woe is me' stuff about how we've spoiled this 'special time for her'. Anyway, I decided after that she had said too many horrible things about me and I didn't want her in my life any longer. DP continued to see her once a week or so with DD. This wasn't enough. when DD was about 14months we got a letter which on the first page said she didn't understand why I thought she didnt like me as she had bought me christmas presents when DP and I got together 8yrs ago and had let us stay at their house 6+ years ago, this was then followed by 3 pages of how awful I am, that she worries that DP isn't happy with me, that it will damage DD if she doesn't get to see her etc etc- the result being that he no clearly sees her for the manipulative, selfish woman she is and won't see her either. A lot of what's been said on this thread about characteristics of someone brought up by this type of person I can now see in DP, the desire to keep everyone happy and avoid conflict at the the expense of himself in particular. The sad this is that before I was pg I thought she was really quite nice and felt sorry for her that she never seemed to be her husbands priority and didn't have any friends- no I know why!

Sorry for hijacking your thread, there so much more I could add to the above but won't as I can feel the anxiety building. I really hope you can sort this out with your DH and make your little family the priority. It saddens me that we've ended up where we are but there's no going back for me know and that's the right thing for us. good luck!

Thread hijacking welcome! It helps so much to read similar stories. It makes me feel much better about things.
Sorry I'm not replying properly to things at the moment - but every post is helping. Thank you all. PLease keep the conversation going!

1charlie1, thank you.

This was the solution used by a friend of mine. She just went stratospheric with rage every time her DH let his (truly, truly vile-honestly, I've never met anyone more horrible) parents take the piss. He ended up deciding it was easier to piss them off than her. She hasn't seen them for years and years, he does a duty visit once in a while.

I had MIL problems before, although nowhere near as bad as OP's, and things have sorted themselves, after a bit of pain. Will post the detail later.

WELL

My Mil was STALKING us at the school gate today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was walking down road with DD and there she was in a new fancy car I had never seen before!

I wasnt sure if it was her - but we happened to go a different way home, and she was pulling out behind us. So i got a better look at her face and she also was right behind us on the road and was hanging right back!

A few years ago I would feel sorry for her - resorting to subertfuge to see her GC but now I feel very little sympathy because all she has to do is be nice - and treat her own DS with the same respect she shows - her DD....

but she wont - she is too rigid!

Here I am again.
Since I started this thread in 2012 I have had lots of good MN advice and have read Toxic Inlaws. But issues still arise, predictably.
I have learnt to choose my battles and ignore the petty irritations and provocations (ie MIL controlling what we do at Christmas, birthdays etc).

DH goes away on holiday with MIL every year to her timeshare in S. Europe. I have been once (pre-baby). I didn't enjoy it and don't plan to go again. DH has just said he'd like to take our 3-year old. I'm deeply unhappy about it, not least as MIL is casual and dismissive about safety (ie getting angry when we were telling our child not to play with MIL's dog's eyes and tail). MIL's carelessness has already caused our daughter to have a scar on her face (almost faded but it happened 18 months ago.)

I feel awful about the thought of my daughter being in a different country from me and me not being able to get to her quickly if anything were to go wrong. She is quite a home-bird and is much more fractious when she's in unfamiliar surroundings. I got so upset I started to shake but DH kept saying "do you not trust me?"

I left my daughter with DH and MIL for a couple of nights last month and when I got back DH was frazzled. He shouted at dd and trapped her in her cot as punishment because she hadn't eaten her dinner. I am very against treating meals as a battleground as I don't want dd to grow up with emotional issues around food. So this is another concern for me about her going away on holiday with them.

Please help me to deal with this holiday issues without causing offence.

Don't let him take her, or go with them yourself.

He was asking me for reasons, and saying "do you not trust me?"
I said I couldn't bear her to be in a different country from me while she's small but he kept pushing and I ended up saying "your mother hasn't exactly been nice to me so why would I send my child to her for a week? I also don't think all the shouting and belligerence is a good influence on a small child"

I think that was an inflammatory thing to say and I have probably made things worse now .