More than smacking

[verysadmum]

For obvious reasons, I've changed my name for this one.

My child has been hit (by hit I mean more than a smack & leaving a bruise) by his Dad on more than one occasion, I know I have to do something but what?

Have you had any experience in this? Obviously anything that prevents him being hurt is the best solution but what would you do? Social services to report? Solicitor to get injuction? Something else?

URGENT!! TIA

Thank you katierocket!

Hang on in there, babe. And if you need anything, you know where we all are.

Message withdrawn

VSM, I just wanted to say that I have been thinking of you too and think you are being remarkable. Well done. Life does get easier but it is slow steps but each small positive adds up to a life of positives. You are on your way to a happy life for you and your children, a life you all deserve. Hope your Xmas is ok, winniex

Hiya, well you'll be pleased (if that's the right word) that I've told a couple of oldish friends today that h & I were probably seperating (they kept on asking me questions about him & his work and then my eyes welled up..) to which they both cried and gave me a hug. Imagine if I'd told them the facts! Surprisingly they didn't ask the details but they both thought I looked like I was coping...

It was a little awkward after that as I was aware that they were avoiding certain subjects!! I wish people wouldn't and would treat me normally. Again it confirms why I couldn't tell certain people INCLUDING MY PARENTS!!! Sorry - got carried away.

VSM - only just seen this. Just wanted to say you've come a long way now. WEll done. Please don't feel ashamed as you have nothing to feel ashamed or akward about.

I'm based in Croydon (don't know if thats near to you), and have a large double spare bedroom. Seriously you can use it whenever. If you don't want to stay in it then you are welcome to store your stuff there too. You are welcome and we always have people to stay so are very used to house guests. Honestly. Contact me via another talker. Also if you don't feel like company we'll be away for a few days so you can even use our house - as long as you don't mind sharing with our cat

Hi VSM

Please don't think that just because your friends they were slightly awkward that this is aproblem or a reason not to tell anyone else. They don't think less of you, they are just concerned and don't quite know what to say. They can't be happy for you because that would be rude and anyway they don't know the facts, and they don't want to go overboard on sympathy because a/they prob think it would make you feel worse and b/they are slightly confused by your attitude - ie a bit dismissive and embarrassed, iyswim. You can't expect to give people news and for them not to react at all - they are human, not robots and they care for you. I think you are being really super-sensitive about other people's reactions atm. And of course, in the end your parents will have to know - you can't divorce your husband and live in separate houses without them finding out eventually! However, I do think you have done the right thing in telling someone - anyone! Let them support you. It won't be done out of pity but out of friendship. Put yourself in their shoes, what would you do and how would you react? As for your son, we all have accidents and all kids are silly sometimes. How wonderful and I do mean WONDERFUL that your son can now have an accident without being frightened and hit by anyone. Just tell people your son fell on the present so it's a bit bashed. They will laugh. You do seem to worry an awful lot about what people will think of you. Is this a legacy of your h's frightening nature do you think? People won't think badly of you. I have a friend who admitted that her boyfriend had pushed her around and hit her when she asked him to leave. I certainly don't think any less of her, but I do have a burning hatred of the tosser who did that to her. I actually think more highly of her for getting shot of him.

Well said Alohappychristmas!

This thread makes me proud to be a woman! VSM, you're doing so well, once Christmas is out of the way, you can look forward to a really exciting 2004.

Thank you Metrobaby - that's really kind of you.

Alohappychristmas - you're probably right. It's just that I'm actually quite a private person (okay so I'm posting it on the internet for the whole world to see!) and I couldn't ever say all these things I've said face to face to anyone. Perhaps it is because I don't want people to feel badly about me - I'd never thought about it like that. I do know that I am always careful what I say to people so as not to offend them or make them cross. Although I did stand up to someone this evening who was making racist remarks (a friend) and strangely enough I thought of Mumsnet when I was telling her that I disagreed entirely (I seem to remember a thread about this fairly recently) quite rare for me. I also know that I am quite sensitive if friends say no to meeting up, I just get this awful feeling that they're trying to distance themselves from me. It's like when I mentioned that I thought someone had gone cold on me much earlier on - I was wrong and I have apologised (sorry again!).

Thank you to the others too for your support. I am feeling a bit lonely atm and reading all this helps me realise that I'm not. xx

That's an example of just how great this site is, vsm. I'm also very sensitive to atmospheres and people's feelings in real life, but the reaction that comes from 'cyber-confessing' is a good indication of what would happen if we came out with things, isn't it? I'm not saying you should change your entire personality overnight (you're doing enough atm!) but be encouraged by the support you've received here and maybe let some people in on what's happening. Alohappychristmas is - as always - really wise and spot on IMO.

Your h's behaviour is categorically not your fault and I guarantee that no-one will think it is. Your mother may have a problem accepting that the man she respects is capable of violence and she might cast about to try and justify his behaviour - but she won't be able to for long, because there is no excuse. I can well imagine some unsupportive comments from her to begin with from what you have said and that will be a shame but again it won't be your fault.

I hope you feel less lonely this morning and will take courage from knowing that what we say to you on here is what your friends would say to you if they knew what we know.

vsm - your feelings are not unusual. I feel exactly the same way around people I know. It can be crazy sometimes. In fact that is one of the reasons I am too chicken to even get involved in some of the more heated mumsnet debates. I have a couple of good friends however and in the end when i talk to them I find out inevitably that I will have got completely the wrong end of the stick and most of the time they woulnd't even remember a particular comment I made (which I would have spent hrs agonising over). I'm sure you'll find when you are ready to talk to people IRL you'll be pleasently surprised about their reactions. Good friends will rally around with their support. If you feel you still can't talk to friends about this then you may find talking to one of the various support groups listed below a lot easier - you may find it easier to open up to a stranger IFYSWIM.

verysadmum, I don't have anything constructive to add but want to wish you the best as you are clearly being very strong.
sis

VSM, have only just seen this thread but am sooo impressed by you. You have done the most important thing in the world for your son. It must have taken real courage. You are a brilliant mum!

Interesting day today. I popped into a friends house (newish friend really) and (she was one of the few who knew we were having problems) she asked me a few simple questions about things. I said that I didn't really feel able to talk about it, anyway I really didn't say very much and after about an hour she just said something like "he's been physical, hasn't he?" I barely nodded with tears in my eyes (again!) and she said that it was written over my face... The fact that she doesn't really know me that well (although has met H) I didn't feel so bad about her knowing so Metrobaby maybe you could be right about this, it does mean that I have to contact them first though... I do know now though that I am going to have to have a feasible story lined up for people/friends/parents so they don't dig for more info.

No contact from H at all today and that feels just fine! (well almost..)

My ds has a pressie now too after a trip to Woolies!!

I have also arranged to go to church tomorrow for a Christingle service with the friend mentioned above. It's not my 'normal' church so no awkward questions. I had been wanting to go to church this Christmas so I'm pleased to be going although I hope I'm not too emotional iykwim!

I WILL be happy this Christmas AND so will my children.

Just had to share this with you.

Ds just had another accident (!), he decided to try and get the biscuits down and slipped (again!) and grabbed hold of the shelf to stop himself falling but brought that down too. Most things on it broke including a gift I'd bought H on our honeymoon. Ds was really worried and upset. I just picked him up and gave him a hug and lots of kisses and he soon calmed down. Then we tidied up together and talked about why what he did was a bad idea. No shouting or any extra tears. That would have NEVER happened if H'd been here. He'd have almost certainly pushed or hit him out the way, shouted a lot and thrown the stuff towards the bin. I'm so glad he's not here.

I know I have no choice, I really do. I'd just never, ever imagined how painful this could be (almost more than physical).

It is very painfull and i am feeling for you because nobody can get you out of it when you feel like that. I had a soapstone sculpture of a man and women hugging. Ds1 called it mummy and daddy. One day daddy threw it, i looked at it smashed on the floor and my son said look mummy and daddy are broken. The symbolism of things breaking including your honeymoon present brings you to pieces. It kind of sums up how shit things have got. Thinking of you its early days and a hard time of year, but you will get through this, and then you can be so proud of yourself xxxx

I think your DS is very lucky to have you as his Mum, someone who cuddles him and makes things right for him when they've gone wrong. I'm so sorry it's painful for you and really hope it starts to feel a bit better soon.

vsm
you are a wonderful mum. That has story has made me fill up with tears. Now he can grow up in an environment of support and understanding not fear. You have broken the cycle.
Your son is so lucky to have such a strong mummy.

vsm
you are a wonderful mum. That has story has made me fill up with tears. Now he can grow up in an environment of support and understanding not fear. You have broken the cycle.
Your son is so lucky to have such a strong mummy.

VSM

This is the first time I've posted on this thread but have been following your postings.

I just wanted to say how brave and strong you've been and I would like to wish you and your little boy a very happy Christmas and wish you luck for 2004.

xxx

Thank you all again so much. You'll never know how much your support means to me.

Well it's now Christmas eve. All the children's presents (well the ones that I've managed to get) are sitting all round the house in bags, all unwrapped. I just can't seem to get the motivation to do it..

I have spent the last couple of hours just bawling my eyes out and I'm not even sure why exactly. Okay so I'm going to spend most of the Christmas period alone with the children (when h is not with me..) but why am I so upset?

Veysadmum, i'm up too, if you want a chat

I'd love to. I'm just feeling a bit unchristmassy and sad. How about you?

Same! I know its wrong to be with him, but.....