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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

More than smacking

343 replies

verysadmum · 14/12/2003 19:38

For obvious reasons, I've changed my name for this one.

My child has been hit (by hit I mean more than a smack & leaving a bruise) by his Dad on more than one occasion, I know I have to do something but what?

Have you had any experience in this? Obviously anything that prevents him being hurt is the best solution but what would you do? Social services to report? Solicitor to get injuction? Something else?

URGENT!! TIA

OP posts:
StarryStressyHead · 20/12/2003 19:40

vsm, I'm so glad you have this week to start getting your thoughts together properly with h around. I wish you all the luck in the world and echo what others have said. "you are doing the right thing for you and your children". Take care xx

StarryStressyHead · 20/12/2003 19:40

sorry I meant without h around

bunny2 · 20/12/2003 19:44

VSM, you're doing so well. When I took huge steps to change my life it was hell then, one day, I realised that I loved my new life. It may take a while but it will be so worth it, for you and for your son.

Original poster
verysadmum · 20/12/2003 20:29

Actually I am beginning to feel more positive already.

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sobernoel · 21/12/2003 09:55

Glad to see that, vsm, it's good to regain some control, isn't it? Hope you're still feeling positive today and have had a good night's sleep. And especially hope this time apart gives you even more strength and shocks your h into seeking help. If you want a bit of cyber-support for Thursday, just yell

Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 10:08

I had a FAB nights sleep!! (well for me lately!) Dropped off about 1.30am but slept through until 8am UNINTERUPTED

I felt a bit alone last night but nothing compared to other nights and I feel really quite good today. Not quite sure how to fill the week yet though so if anyone fancies a meet up?

Thanks Sobernoel.

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snowywong · 21/12/2003 10:10

three cheers,VSM, we have all been longing to read this. Phew. Well done, your son will always thank you for what you have found the strength to do.

Festivefly · 21/12/2003 10:14

VerySadMum, like everyone else i think you are incredibly brave and strong. It takes a lot of guts to speak out about something like this, and do something about it. I couldn't and didn't do what you have done, i constantly tried to help and change my partner to. I think you have a lot of guts to tell him you don't love him, i could never say that, it took him leaving me for a situation to stop. I still grieve for him now.I didn't sleep for months, so you are already doing a lot better than you could ever imagine

Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 10:36

Thanks!

I've done so much grieving and I don't suppose it's over, but today I am happy (ish) and I'm going to enjoy it. There is no threat of violence or a row and it feels really quite good. Yes of course I miss him - the him I knew but I don't miss his presence.

Now if only I could pursuade him to leave a bit more permanently... The fact he agreed to this has taken away any possible repurcussions. By getting an injuction or changing the locks wouldn't - he would NOT go quietly.

OP posts:
popsie · 21/12/2003 10:49

glad tha things are looking more positive

Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 12:01

Okay, so what do I tell our ds?

He's just asked whether Daddy had already gone to work to which I replied yes... I can't keep saying this - what should I say? Esp since the likelihood is that he'll end up moving back in for a bit... maybe.

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Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 12:18

I knew it was going to well. My ds was being stupid and was standing on the edge on the sofa when he slipped. HE is fine. Sadly the Xmas tree and 4 out of the 6 wrapped presents under are not. These were presents that I'd bought others. They are ruined - boxes squashed etc....

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Brandysnap · 21/12/2003 12:28

That could have happened at anytime VSM. Please don't give yourself a hard time over that. Unwrap the presents and straighten the boxes out and wrap them up again.

Try and enjoy this time at home on your own to get your strength up to make the situation more permanent.

If your ds was messing around he is obviously relaxed and felt comfortable enough to act like the kid he is.

Festivefly · 21/12/2003 12:35

Sorry i just had to go out, and sorry for not texting, my devil child put my mobile in the bath. At this moment in time i just say daddy is on holiday and then will be living in a new house. He loves you very much, there will be a mummy's house and a daddy's house. I wouldn't worry to much about that at the moment though don't give yourself a hard time about things like that just naturally sort themselves out. Just get through this week first. Nobody will mind getting a squashed present!!!!!! Your main concern now is to be kind to yourself you have been through a hell of an ordeal

Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 12:35

They really are ruined though. There are hole sin the boxes and evrything - I can't give those out...

Yes he may be relaxed but also may be attention seeking...

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Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 12:37

No worries FF - was just a bit desperate.

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Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 12:45

Actually it's a good job H isn't about. He'd have gone mad...

I was so determined to be positive today and I feel really cr@p again - please help me snap out of it.

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Festivefly · 21/12/2003 13:04

Don't feel like you have to be ok straight away, and supermum. You are going to be up and down and in shock, you need to give yourself time to heal. If you want to cheer yourself up a bit though think of all the positives. You say your son is attention seeking but no, all children do things like that its just life! So think of the positive already you didn't have to jump get nervous and wonder what your husband was going to do. Think of the amount of times your child or you will break things, knock over a drink, and think of the relief you can now feel. You do not have to look up at your husband anymore waiting for his response.Another positive is you have done nothing to jeopardise you and your sons relationship. He will adore you, what better gift in life is that. We only live once and i am going to make sure i treasure these memory's i don't want my x to take that away from me too. He has taken enough

Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 13:14

Thanks FF. I just feel bad feeling bad - does that make sense?

I have checked the presents over and there's only one that is just a no-giver - it's actually broken - the others just look slightly battered. I have patched up the tree too...

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sobernoel · 21/12/2003 13:30

Agree with festiveFly - you'll be up and down for a while, but you're already seeing how much easier it is to cope without some controlling bully to have to pander to. My guess is you'll be amazed at how well you come out of this - a few steps forward and back, yes, but mainly moving on!

Festivefly · 21/12/2003 13:34

Don't feel bad about feeling bad, you have every right to feel sh't. I ended up on anti-depressants for three days, because i felt like i shouldn't be so down and there was something wrong with me. The doctor told me i was a victim of mental abuse and ANYONE would feel down. Once i worked out that i was allowed to be miserable for a bit, i started to let it all out. Thats what i mean about not giving yourself a hard time, don't punish yourself for having a heart. Sod the presents they mean nothing in the whole context of things. What matters is that you start to love yourself again.

Lisa78 · 21/12/2003 16:53

Hang on in there VSM, try and focus on this time next year and how fabulous you will feel

Jollymum · 21/12/2003 18:50

VSM-sooo proud of you. You sound much more positive and I'll just send all my love and hope Xmas Day is Ok for you. Keep posting!!xxxxxxxxx

Original poster
verysadmum · 21/12/2003 19:05

I AM much more positive.

I popped in to my parents earlier to say we'd be coming over 'together' on Christmas day which seemed a bit weird. At this point in time it is the best option I feel. I will tell them we have problems in due course but I don't want to spoil their Christmas apart from anything else. My H is coming over here to watch them open their pressies then we'll all go over to my parents and leave together late afternoon to go our seperate ways... I am worried about it but I'm hoping we can at least be civil... I have reservations about the evening too for many reasons. We are going to his parents boxing day (they're in dolaley land anyway so wouldn't notice anything)... super.

I know the presents don't matter (although still need to go shopping for ds) - with him (oops). I'm tempted just to stretch the santa bits and add in a few treats. It just really upset me at the time.

Thanks again for being there. xx

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katierocket · 21/12/2003 19:40

vsm - not posted yet but just wanted to say that I think you're amazing and you will get through this. Really glad you're feeling more positive, take it one day at a time. Lots of hugs to you {{{}}}