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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

More than smacking

343 replies

verysadmum · 14/12/2003 19:38

For obvious reasons, I've changed my name for this one.

My child has been hit (by hit I mean more than a smack & leaving a bruise) by his Dad on more than one occasion, I know I have to do something but what?

Have you had any experience in this? Obviously anything that prevents him being hurt is the best solution but what would you do? Social services to report? Solicitor to get injuction? Something else?

URGENT!! TIA

OP posts:
BrightBaubleBeetroot · 19/12/2003 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
verysadmum · 19/12/2003 22:10

I can't say that hasn't crossed my mind...

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alohappychristmas · 19/12/2003 22:13

This is just unbearably sad VSM. You have to get back into your own home on your own terms. Can you please explain why you don't want to see a solicitor? I'm really not sure what you are afraid of. Things could change for you all for the better. Even supermodels have horrible men in their lives - get beaten up and left etc etc. That is totally irrelevant. The very fact that he hits you and your son (that little boy, I could cry for him right now) and still seeks to blame you gives you entirely the measure of that disgusting creep you have the misfortune to be married to. This horrible life of staying in one place or another has to stop. It is YOUR home. It is your SON'S home. You deserve it. He doesn't. Please. your children need a settled home. A solicitor can help you get that for him.

sobernoel · 19/12/2003 22:20

Go to the cinema with them, vsm, he won't do anything to you there. Or at least wait outside for them. He clearly wants to punish you and your little boy is right in the middle of this. Please don't let him grind you down.

Original poster
verysadmum · 19/12/2003 22:23

I know I'm going to need to. I just didn't want to antagonise him further oh and actually properly tell someone (i.e. not typing). It's just such a scary prospect at a supposedly happt time of year.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 19/12/2003 22:25

sobernoel (good name!) I was just thinking that. A family outing.

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alohappychristmas · 19/12/2003 22:26

He need not know until he is not in a position to do anything about it, and family solicitors are a bit like doctors -they've heard it all before. Nobody could fail to sympathise with you VSM. I am in South London, we have a spare bedroom and if you need somewhere to say then I am seriously offering you a double bed. I mean this.

alohappychristmas · 19/12/2003 22:27

If you are interested contact me via contact a talker. Or would you prefer I contact you?

snowywong · 19/12/2003 22:28

Please take a look all these posts again, not one person has thought badly of you in all this and we are pretty much representative of the population. So anyone you tell 'properly' will give you a very similar reaction. He has no excuse whatsoever for beating your son.
We are all supporting you and crying for you little boy.
Please don't let him go the the cinema with that manipulative person tomorrow.

sobernoel · 19/12/2003 22:33

Good on you alohappychristmas - vsm, you know she means this and she'd be great to have on your side in real life, wouldn't she?

Original poster
verysadmum · 19/12/2003 22:37

Aloha - thank you. I will contact you. My email is too easily read by him.

They may not feel badly about me but I'm not a perfect mother or housewife but then I have never pretended to be. We have had good times too - lots. It hasn't all been nasty. Mind you I guess if it had I'd have left a long time ago.

OP posts:
sobernoel · 19/12/2003 23:07

You don't deserve to be frightened in your own home just because you're not perfect, vsm. Anyway, I bet your children think you are

I hope you do get to meet aloha ( and if you stay with her, will you tell us what her house is like?

Jollymum · 20/12/2003 07:21

vsm-just read all the posts. You are very, very brave and you need to start doing stuff now. It's obvious you're scared of H, just do something. No-one has the right to abuse/threaten anyone else, physically or emotionally. I know how you feel to some extent(I'm still a bit scared of my exH and we've been apart for 13 years). Some people just have the ability to scare others and it's not right for you or your children. How old is your other child (does your H threaten/hurt this one). THIS IS A SERIOUS SUGGESTION-If SS or the police say that it's OK for you to disappear and you don't have to sort out access arrangements immediately, which IMO you don't have to because children's court will have to assess you both etc, then PLEASE think about this. You and your children are welcome (and I DO mean it) to come to our house now, over Xmas and stay. We can all squeeze up, but let me know asap. I'll need to get a bigger turkey, don't worry about pressies we can share ours and the tree's lovely! I would have put a smiley face but I can't do them. Seriously, inbetween ferrying kids around today I'll watch for your posts. You are never alone, all the MNs are here for you and remember you are doing this for your children and for you. LoveXXXX BTW, I live in the West Midlands but I'll come and get you if you need transport, I've got a big van and four very noisy kids who love having visitors! XXX

adell · 20/12/2003 08:28

VSM, if you're not the perfect mother or housewife, overweight and a bit of a cow sometimes then you must be my twin ! On a serious note, what he has done is totally unacceptable, there are no excuses, no-one will judge or think badly of you - it is not you who is at fault here.

Please take up Aloha or Jollymum on their offers and get to a solicitor. You need to get all this sorted properly and get your home back. Forget the cinema. If he bins your stuff it can be replaced. He won't know where you are and he can't do anything from the other end of a mobile. Meanwhile you can do what you need to do. As for Christmas, the best present you can give your children is the gift of security in their own home.

Take care

StarryStressyHead · 20/12/2003 09:02

just caught up on last evening's posts and hope you are OK today. I agree that either don't let your h take ds to cinema or insist on going with them. I really do hope you can make a decision to get some help before Christmas. Take care

alohappychristmas · 20/12/2003 10:10

I've been doing a bit of research. To get you and your son back into your home safely you need to talk to the Community Safety Officer at your local police station. they can ensure this happens and have the power to arrest your husband if he tries anything at all. Believe me, they will have heard and seen it all. They won't judge you. A solicitor can get you an injunction but not at the weekend and it will not have the same 'power of arrest', which I do think is important. I am horrified your husband has not thought to move out to give you and more importantly, you son, a stable place to stay, especially at Christmas - and that wasn't meant as a pun, but it has resonance at this time of year, doesn't it?
I've looked up solicitors on the net too. A firm called AK Gulati in Cheam sounds good. 020 87707979. They claim to pride themselves on their compassion, confidentiality and expertise, which sounds appropriate.
What were your plans for Christmas before all this happened? Were you planning to be at home? Did you plan to have family over? When is your sister going away? Once he is out (is it this w/e?) you can ask the police to help you to get an injunction and at the same time escort him from your sister's if you have reasons to suspect he might be violent.

MincePie · 20/12/2003 10:25

I'm a bit late to this thread VSM, but I just wanted to lend my support and tell you that you are doing the right thing. My dad used to beat my brother and I (broke sticks over my back, dislocated my shoulder etc) and my mum didn't leave him til I was 18 and had already moved out of home.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by ending this now, your son is very very lucky to have you.

As an aside I would consider waiting outside the cinema when your DH and DS go, and please make sure your DH can't get hold of passport etc. My dad took my brother and I (we were 4 & 2) to Thailand. My mum had to agree to make us wards of court to find out where we had gone (he told her he was just taking us out for the day and never came back). It then took her 6 months to find us get out there and tell my dad that she would never try to leave him again before he agreed to her be with us again.

Take EVERY precaution that you can and draw strength from the fact you are doing the right thing.

pie xxx

LadyP · 20/12/2003 14:18

VSM - hope you are doing ok. I haven't posted so far as others have said a lot of what I would have said and also have been wracking my brains to try and remember addresses of organistaions through work.

Anyway, I know you said you live in Surrey. If you live near or in Croydon, you can contact Ambassador House/Onestop in Thornton Heath (sorry, do not have the number to hand, but know you can find it in the directory.)

You can also contact your local Victim Support that will offer help in any way YOU wish. They will not be open now but they will leave the National Support Helpline number on their ansaphone message. Don't worry about anonimity if you call the Croydon branch, as I do not deal specifically with DV. Plus I would NEVER divulge who I was - more than my jobs worth

Finally, there is a thread on 'Other Subjects' entitled 'domestic violence' that has useful addresses on it, in particular one for legal advice given for women by women and they specialise in DV.

Like others, I have a spare room if needed and I shall be thinking of you throughout this period and beyond.

Keep posting, whatever you decide, as we all want to know that you are safe and well

Luv
LadyP

Original poster
verysadmum · 20/12/2003 18:37

Thank you - you are ALL so incredibly kind.

Well he has just left for a week... he nearly didn't but I had to promise him that he could come over on Thursday. We shall probably all go over to my parents 'together' for a visit in the afternoon. Not ideal but there you go. (thank you esp Jollymum).

We all went to the cinema and I ended up crying through the film (disney's brother bear) good but not that good! Oops.

It's a very strange feeling. I've wanted space and now I've got it but I SO didn't want this life - why me?

OP posts:
popsie · 20/12/2003 18:41

VSm - you have been sooo incredibly brave through this!!!
it seems crap now and you will feel horrible, but i am sure that all mumsnetters will echo this - you have done the right thing
my mum said something to me years ago which was soooo true
you will feel bad now but you have to remember that n afew months time things will be better than you culd ever remember
she is right you know!

Original poster
verysadmum · 20/12/2003 18:46

I do hope you're right.

It's just that I know it's still very far from over. I've just got breathing space.

OP posts:
WartyOne · 20/12/2003 19:12

It will all get better.

Hugs.

Original poster
verysadmum · 20/12/2003 19:21

Thank you Warty

OP posts:
adell · 20/12/2003 19:23

I know it's far from over but you have taken a huge step along the way. It will get better. Take care.

xxxx

Original poster
verysadmum · 20/12/2003 19:35

Thank you adell too.

Well having not been here very much i have to say it wasn't very clean! I have already cleaned the bathroom and the toilet and put all the bed linen on a very hot wash. Feeling better for that already! Well sort of..

I forgot to add that just before h left he asked me if I still loved him. To which I replied "no" and I truly believe that. .

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