Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Would you travel round the world to surprise someone?

180 replies

Shinyshinyface · 26/07/2012 15:31

Um...after they'd said not to come?

I'll try and sum this up briefly...I'm divorced 3 years, got 3 teenagers...met a lovely man online who lives in the US, we hit it off fabulously from the first moment and I went to visit him not long after, all was wonderful EXCEPT that we both knew there was no real future for us as a couple as neither one of us was in a position to completely uproot our life for the other. All very good and sensible except I fell completely and utterly in love and I'm pretty sure he feels close to the same. We talk twice a day, every single day.

My kids are off to the US for 2 weeks in August and I had said to this guy that I could come and stay again because it was a really rare opportunity for me...he said no because we had already been through the pain of meeting and having to separate again and really didn't want the pain of going through that again. I understood his point but just felt that having those 2 weeks was better than nothing at all and we'd just have to pick ourselves up again like we did after the last visit. He had steadfastly said no despite my subsequent attempts to change his mind. The 2 weeks are looming and I was to see him so badly...I'm contemplating just turning up.

I know it sounds really stupid and reckless and possibly more than a bit selfish. I'm not sure what his reaction would be but I suspect after some initial shock/anger he would be happy to see me. I'm scared at the audacity involved but I'm a person strongly ruled by my heart...

Your thoughts please?

OP posts:
GiserableMitt · 26/07/2012 15:34

I would say no, don't do it.

It's not a one-off "no", it's a repeated "no". He means it, he means "no".

They may be suspicious reasons or (and more likely) he doesn't want the pain of leaving each other again when he knows that your relationship will never progress.

chipsandmushypeas · 26/07/2012 15:42

I know a woman who did this.

They dated a while, mostly long distance as he lived in a different state.

He said don't come after going quite cold towards her, she didn't listen.

She flew all the way to him to find another woman at his house, she was stranded for a week.

TheCraicDealer · 26/07/2012 15:49

Agree with chips- it sounds like he wants to let you down easily, and the handiest way to do this is "it's too hard saying goodbye...". Long distance relationships are hard, but you can make them work if you want to. Doesn't sound like he wants to do that much, even.

Save yourself the airfare and move on to greener (and more local) pastures. You've dipped your toe in the dating water, now jump in.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 26/07/2012 15:53

That's the kind of practical advice I needed.

Thanks people. It's hard but I need to let go of the idea. I'm not very sensible when it comes to things like this. I keep thinking "What's the worst that can happen?" and I guess it could be pretty bad. I have to think about whether I could cope with that.

OP posts:
Blu · 26/07/2012 15:55

Definitley don't go.
He has said 'no' repeatedly.
It will be embarrassing.
Don't be so desperate.
Sorry.

chipsandmushypeas · 26/07/2012 15:58

shiny yes, it could be very bad and upsetting. It was horrible for my friend, she literally wouldn't listen to anyone or the signs and went without even telling him!
I would agree he is trying to let you down gently otherwise he would have jumped at the chance of seeing you.

Taghain · 26/07/2012 15:59

No means No, from men as well as women.

It would be romantic, possibly, but if you're planning to ignore his wishes what does it say about your future sensitivity to him? He'll get pissed off with you pretty quickly, I think.

Slugslasher · 26/07/2012 15:59

Definitely a "No" from me too!

Ikickedthetyres · 26/07/2012 16:00

Another no here

NatashaBee · 26/07/2012 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Numberlock · 26/07/2012 16:02

Agreed with everyone else.

Is there another friend you could visit during your child-free weeks, elsewhere in the world, or a solo break perhaps? You never know, you could have another international adventure!

juneau · 26/07/2012 16:05

An ex of mine fell in love with a girl from the US after he and I broke up (this was several years later). Anyway, they dated for a while and got serious and then he got cold feet and called it off. She went back to the US, but as soon as she'd left he knew he'd made a horrible mistake. After a few months he decided to fly out and surprise her and try to win her back. He turned up unannounced and .... discovered that she was dating a guy in her home town. They had been in touch the whole time, but she had omitted to mention because, well she wasn't expecting him to show up and she figured it would hurt him to find out she was with someone else.

So no, don't do it. He's said he doesn't want to see you. Have some pride woman!

sugarice · 26/07/2012 16:09

No don't risk the possible rejection, you'd be devastated.

izzyizin · 26/07/2012 16:12

Knowing that your dc will be away for 2 weeks, shouldn't he be the one surprising you by turning up on your doorstep unexpectedly?

You say you 'talk' to him everyday? Do you skype? If so, you are effectively 'seeing' him and should be able to judge his words by his body language.

You're 'strongly ruled by your heart'? You're best advised to learn how to reign the excesses of that organ in as 'desperate' is not a good look at any age, but is particularly unattractive in one's middle years.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 26/07/2012 16:15

Agh that's a pretty unanimous response!

The thing that makes it really hard is that he doesn't seem to want to release me from the relationship that we have, such as it is...I can't really understand the mindset of someone that calls me as soon as he wakes up every day and races home from work to call me on Facetime...yet has a chance to see me in real life and doesn't want to take it. And if I ever try to be strong willed and skip a chat I get such a sad response from him that I can't bear it and give in! So ever since my last visit I am in a state of suspended emotional torture.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 26/07/2012 16:23

Seems like someone needs a wee ultimatum then- either he catches himself on and stops using you as some emotional crutch enough to let you start to move on, or he commits enough to make arrangements to meet again.

Life's too fucking short!

Numberlock · 26/07/2012 16:25

So ever since my last visit I am in a state of suspended emotional torture.

That doesn't really sound all that great, does it.

I think you should use these two child-free weeks to have a good think about things. Take that holiday I suggested, cut all contact with him or seriously limit it. (If you're away having fun, your mind will be occupied on other things anyway.) See how you feel after the two weeks, I'm sure it will look a whole lot different.

He's told you he doesn't want to meet up again, he couldn't be clearer on that. So all he can offer you is a text/email/Skype 'relationship'. And whilst this is going on you're not going to be in the right frame of mind to meet someone who is available for a full relationship.

As for his reasons for not wanting to 'release' you, I wouldn't speculate on that, it could be several things, don't waste your energy thinking about which one it's most likely to be.

izzyizin · 26/07/2012 16:26

O good grief, woman! 'Suspended emotional torture'? Cut yourself free, ffs.

Tell him it's been nice knowing him but there won't be any more Facetimes or any times as you've got a real life to be going on with and you intend to concentrate your energies on finding someone who wants to share it with you.

That might be enough for him to turn up on your doorstep relocate but, if not, chalk it up to experience and stop living in a state of suspended animation.

All the time you're hankering after him you're missing out - on life as well as love.

Ephiny · 26/07/2012 16:27

No way. Seriously, have some self-respect.

He's quite possibly seeing someone else over there, or at best he just wants you at the other end of a phone/computer and not as part of his real life.

Houseofplain · 26/07/2012 16:27

The guy sounds like a manipulative head fuck. With you being his pet. Just ignore him Confused

juneau · 26/07/2012 16:31

he doesn't seem to want to release me from the relationship that we have

So release yourself! You don't have to answer his lame computerised phone calls, or his texts, tweets, or whatever else non-human contact he has deemed suitable for your communications. Get a life! A real, human life that doesn't involve speaking via a computer. And I mean that nicely, not bitchily. But please, you're making a doormat of yourself. It's humiliating to read.

izzyizin · 26/07/2012 16:36

Like one of those Tamigotchi pets, plain? Except Shiny is acting as his tamigotchya at the end of 3000+ mile phone line Grin

Think 'pride and self-respect', Shiny, and do yourself a favour by pulling the plug on the asshole.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 26/07/2012 16:37

Ouch...wow. I know, you're all right. And I knew it deep down.

I'm afraid of that ultimatum situation but that doesn't really make sense...I'm afraid in case that's the end and he's happy to walk away. But if that is the case...I need to know that NOW!

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 26/07/2012 16:42

Whoa whoa whoa- why so scared that he'll say no? What have you got to loose? Yeah, it's nice having someone there to talk to after you get in from work, being able to stare dreamily into space thinking about when you'll next see them....but you know what's nicer? Not being strung along!

It sounds like you have a very tense, emotionally charged relationship. This gets tiring very easily. You may find after a few days of no contact you actually feel a bit relieved that you don't have to speak to him.

TheHappyHissy · 26/07/2012 16:42

You already DO know... you are refusing to see it.

Think about how it would be if the shoe were on the other foot, if HE was coming over and you had said No. But he decided to turn up anyway? You would be right to call the police! The thread would be unanimous and you know it.

YOU need to be the one that says "This is not enough for ME!" and YOU move on with YOUR life.

He probably has another GF on the go. Get yourself a proper boyfriend, one in your own town/county/region and stop chasing someone that doesn't want you.