Would you travel round the world to surprise someone?

[Shinyshinyface]

Um...after they'd said not to come?

I'll try and sum this up briefly...I'm divorced 3 years, got 3 teenagers...met a lovely man online who lives in the US, we hit it off fabulously from the first moment and I went to visit him not long after, all was wonderful EXCEPT that we both knew there was no real future for us as a couple as neither one of us was in a position to completely uproot our life for the other. All very good and sensible except I fell completely and utterly in love and I'm pretty sure he feels close to the same. We talk twice a day, every single day.

My kids are off to the US for 2 weeks in August and I had said to this guy that I could come and stay again because it was a really rare opportunity for me...he said no because we had already been through the pain of meeting and having to separate again and really didn't want the pain of going through that again. I understood his point but just felt that having those 2 weeks was better than nothing at all and we'd just have to pick ourselves up again like we did after the last visit. He had steadfastly said no despite my subsequent attempts to change his mind. The 2 weeks are looming and I was to see him so badly...I'm contemplating just turning up.

I know it sounds really stupid and reckless and possibly more than a bit selfish. I'm not sure what his reaction would be but I suspect after some initial shock/anger he would be happy to see me. I'm scared at the audacity involved but I'm a person strongly ruled by my heart...

Your thoughts please?

He doesn't need to end it. You can. He's a player a user a headfuck and he isn't worth any headspace. And that's all you need to know. Delete, block and move on

Suspended emotional torture? To be perfectly blunt, you remind me of me when I was 18.

And if I could go back in time and give my 18 year old self a good slap, I would. Just saying.

Your facetime relationship with him, does it make you feel happy? Is it giving you a spring in your step? What are you getting from it?

Yes izzy one of those. Morning. Click a button give attention. Put back in silence. Get home, click a button, watch them grow and love you back.

Come on op.

Suspended emotional torture? To be perfectly blunt, you remind me of me when I was 18.

Oh I know. I must sound like a complete drip. It's hard to give a really full picture on here but I was married a long time and then was released back into the dating pool with pretty much the same tools to deal with it that I had at 21 before I got married. So yeah, I get what you're saying.

I do appreciate all the thoughts and that people took the time to answer. I am going to go and have a very long hard look at myself.

Do you have any (self) control in the 'facetime' relationship or is it all on his terms? Do you always eagerly respond to his needs to talk even when you have other things to be getting on with & friends to spend time with?

Does he encourage you to be independent of him? Does he know how you're desperately hanging on for his next call, every single day? And what all the hours spent talking on the phone to him is doing to you?

If he does, and he's not emotionally supporting you to deal with it, to seperate and accept the virtual relationship for what it is then he's a manipulative selfish bastard whose gonads should be loped off, however much he's selfishness is subconscious.

No caring man would put a woman through such an intense emotional virtual relationship creating such dependency knowing full well what she's really desperately hoping for and what she goes through every day.

You're a sucker, a doormat, an idiot, a fool; and he's an asshole. Wake up! This is not true love by any stretch of the imagination.

Get a life, develop some interests, Taste the fresh air. get out. There's a real world out there. Your life is slipping away on a fantasy & self-delusion.

Does he encourage you to be independent of him? Does he know how you're desperately hanging on for his next call, every single day? And what all the hours spent talking on the phone to him is doing to you?

He does, he has always said he doesn't want to disrupt my life and does encourage me to go out and do things.

I know I've left myself open to being ripped apart here and that's fair enough. I think I'm getting to the point where it's getting too personal though...sorry.

You're a sucker, a doormat, an idiot, a fool; and he's an asshole. Wake up! This is not true love by any stretch of the imagination.

Ok. I'm just trying to live my life, making stupid mistakes along the way.

Go and spy on him.

I think he's made it very clear that what he wants is the fantasy, without any real commitment or relationship. That's why he doesn't want you to go over. The reality is that you are staying here and he is staying there. That cannot be an actual relationship and you know it.

If someone says no no no and hell no - take the hint He doesn't want you. He wants the fantasy of you. (iyswim) It's a thrill and it's safe. You are so far away from one another. Nothing real can ever come of it because neither of you is going to move.

Don't wait for him to let you go. Let him go. Find someone you can actually have. There are lots of people out there, honestly there are. You will find someone you can be with. Really be with.

I don't see at all why he's an asshole myself, you met online, you went out there and had a brilliant time, you've kept in contact but you've only just found out that he doesn't want to go there again.

I would move on now, but I really don't see why he's had such a hard time, I don't think it's been dangling, or controlling, you had a great time before but no-one is prepared to move for the other, so it has to end. He's said please don't come, and I think you should take that as a sign it's time to move on.

Growing a thick skin is the first rule of controlling your heart, honey

Let's look at a possible worse case scenario. You ignore what your head's telling you and fetch up on his doorstep stark bollock nekkid, carnation between your teeth, bow on top of your head, saying 'surprise'.

He calls the sheriff to run you out of town. You go quietly and check into a motel where you meet the love of your life. Cue quick trip to the chapel of St. Elvis of Presley in Las Vegas

The point is that if you're going pull a stunt like this, do so in an open minded, spirit of adventure manner; recognising that the response you receive may not be what you hoped for but, neverthless, it's all part of the learning curve and could lead to other things.

If you're going to feel cast down, mortified, and ending up loathing yourself if he rejects you, don't bother 'cos it ain't worth the risk.

However the fact that he doesn't want you as an occasional fuck buddy, even when you're willing to front the plane ticket, suggests to me that he's got that aspect of his life sorted in the many hours he's not facetiming with you.

Apologies shiny, I was harsh there.

It reminded me of my own situation a few years back. I look back now with clarity and can see where it went wrong for me emotionally. The scars took a long time to heal, obsession is not healthy.

lots of love xxx

Mumsyblouse You're right...he's not an asshole. He's a lovely guy. We're in a difficult situation and he's just doing what's best for him.

izzyizin Yeah, not having a thick skin is part of my problem
It would be a risk and an adventure that could various outcomes. Some not good. This is not good, now. Oh and yeah the fuckbuddy thing...I dunno, I think I've been helping out there as much as I can.

I suppose behind his assertive instruction not to go over could be a plan to surprise you and show up on your doorstep....but then why would he be giving you the 'too much heartache in saying goodbye' line?

Erm, these facetime sessions...do they include Facetime sex?

I've been there. Couldn't work out why he could devote SO much energy to me at a distance but didn't want me there in RL.

No contact is the way to go I'm afraid, giving him one last opportunity to sort himself out before you do so.

A point - if it's too painful for him at the end of the two weeks, how is spinning things out virtually and not letting you go to be happy with someone else doing you any favours? Answer, it's not. He's selfish, the worst kind - someone who pretends to be altruistic and have your best interests at heart, but are really just thinking of their own needs. If he really gave a shit about not causing you pain, he would gracefully, quietly get the fuck out of your life or step up and actually have a grown up relationship with you. Not arse about pretending to care while his actions actually speak of the opposite.

And please do yourself and read the whole of this website: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ As your man sounds like an emotionally unavailable assclown.

Hugs to you. x

*do yourself a favour, that is :) Not do yourself. Although...

He said no. Sorry but to still consider it seems a bit bunny boiler.

My DH works abroad - he phones alot when he's bored!

Won't your children grow up one day and leave home?

You could go on holiday and hint at some wonderful new 'friend' that you made whilst there and see if your lovely man shows desperate jealousy - or relief!

O surely not internet sex sessions, honey?

I might have a different opinion if you were in a relationship that was 'going' somewhere but all this one's doing is going nowhere while impeding you going somewhere with a guy who's not on the other side of the pond.

Move on, get yourself a few rl fuckbuddies who will be properly thankful for your attention, and start learning how to take your foot off the gas of your heart pedal and put your foot down on your head pedal.

It sounds like what this virtual relationship has fuelled is a longing for a pair of caring arms and a handful of orgasms; any close friends you can turn too who?re willing to oblige?

O surely not internet sex sessions, honey? Ok. You brought up the question of sex. Whatever I say here is going to invoke ridicule.

Thanks everyone, for all your time and advice. I've got a plan about what I'm going to do now. It doesn't involve turning up on his doorstep though.

bluefeline

Sorry, I missed your apology, thank you for that xx

Oh and GentleLentilWeaver I'm very familiar with BR
I know he's EU...not an assclown though.

When you're being ridiculous, there's nothing wrong with a bit of ridicule, honey.

Think of it as performing a public service for those who are eager to make themselves feel better by witnessing the humiliation of others. It's tres Life of Brian but in a virtual sense rather than an actual stoning

That said, put your armour on... and spill those beans. What has he got you doing in front of your computer screen? ]

You're welcome shiny :) wish you good luck.

Oh and don't worry too much about the kinky online mutual masturbation. It's thoroughly ridiculous but pent up tension needs an outlet. Get some real stress-free local sex if possible; it's environmentally friendly and sustainable.

:)