Would you travel round the world to surprise someone?

[Shinyshinyface]

Um...after they'd said not to come?

I'll try and sum this up briefly...I'm divorced 3 years, got 3 teenagers...met a lovely man online who lives in the US, we hit it off fabulously from the first moment and I went to visit him not long after, all was wonderful EXCEPT that we both knew there was no real future for us as a couple as neither one of us was in a position to completely uproot our life for the other. All very good and sensible except I fell completely and utterly in love and I'm pretty sure he feels close to the same. We talk twice a day, every single day.

My kids are off to the US for 2 weeks in August and I had said to this guy that I could come and stay again because it was a really rare opportunity for me...he said no because we had already been through the pain of meeting and having to separate again and really didn't want the pain of going through that again. I understood his point but just felt that having those 2 weeks was better than nothing at all and we'd just have to pick ourselves up again like we did after the last visit. He had steadfastly said no despite my subsequent attempts to change his mind. The 2 weeks are looming and I was to see him so badly...I'm contemplating just turning up.

I know it sounds really stupid and reckless and possibly more than a bit selfish. I'm not sure what his reaction would be but I suspect after some initial shock/anger he would be happy to see me. I'm scared at the audacity involved but I'm a person strongly ruled by my heart...

Your thoughts please?

That said, put your armour on... and spill those beans. What has he got you doing in front of your computer screen?

I'm just not that altrustic I'm afraid Not spilling!

God is it time for a drink yet?

O yeah... have another I am and it's only lunchtime for me, hic.

You do realise that if you don't spill a lot of imaginations will be going into overdrive, and you'd be surprised at what you'll be getting up to in some lurid scenarios

It is time for

I hope what you have decided to do is actually, you know talk to him! Ask him why he wants this 'phone you when I wake up - rush home to phone you' relationship but not anything more?

He's trying to have his cake and eat it too and you want him to decide he can't live without you and move to be with you ... you need to talk to him, see if there is any kind of 'real' future and if there isn't - move on. I know it's hard to give up that kind of thing worn the bloody t-shirt out!! but you have to, what you are doing now is not good for you in the long run.

... but you know that don't you

You do realise that if you don't spill a lot of imaginations will be going into overdrive, and you'd be surprised at what you'll be getting up to in some lurid scenarios Now why would I want to spoil anyone's fun? Whatever I said would only be disappointing in comparison!

I hope what you have decided to do is actually, you know talk to him!
Yep!! Got it in one

But they might have you doing golden showers in the wrong colour gimp mask or demonstrating felching on yourself...

Have another or 10, and a shot of pentothal my dear.

Surely you can see that these little secrets are far better out than in? You'll feel so much better afterwards and I promise I won't tell a soul

Um yeah...I can deal with that. As long as I'm skinny and don't have unsightly stubble.

You'll be the soul of discretion, right? Oh that's ok then, in that case I'll tell all won't say a fucking word

Hello all
Just a wee reminder.

It may seem like posters need or indeed want to hear "frank truth", but this isn't AIBU and our guidelines ask that you're as polite to someone on MN as you would be face to face in RL.

THANKS and happy Thursday
MNHQ

Ah well, I tried my best but if you want to be anal retentive, on your arse head be it --and it will be in some of the glorious technicolour imaginings of some.

But not mine, of course.

Glad you have already discovered Baggage Reclaim, OP :) It is a fab site, isn't it? He may not be an assclown (he sounds like he is behaving very similarly to one) but you should ask yourself, if this man truly cares for you, and yet cannot countenance having a relationship with you, why he has not backed off respectfully and allowed you the freedom to a) get over him (which you can't do when he is up in your face 24/7) and b) meet someone who actually wants to be with you.

Believe me when I say I have encountered this type several times, and I know how hard it is when you want things to work so much. But he has said very clearly what his position is and you need to respect that and back off. He then needs to give you some space to grieve the relationship that hasn't materialised - have you done that yet? Really grieved, I mean? Because you seem to be in a holding pattern of chipper denial and when that comes crashing down it can be very painful, the longer you have kept it up for.

I do feel for you cos I have absolutely been there and got very badly burned. He doesn't sound like he is behaving terribly well at the moment, regardless of the esteem you hold him in. You may not be ready to hear that yet, but perhaps keep this thread for when you are. I repeat; nice guys don't want to be in the forefront of your mind if they can't or won't commit to you; they let you go to find a person who can be fully with you. Keep repeating that to yourself.

izzyizin no not plump! Anything but that!

GentleLentilWeaver He really isn't behaving like one imo but that is something I'll be addressing. I know what you mean about grieving--I keep starting to do that, meaning that I've accepted that it's just not working, then I'll get all ridiculous again and think "but it has to work because he's so perfect for me" and so it goes round again.
I'll keep remembering what you've said though. It might help me get through the aftermath. And thank you

Ok...I do have a plan B for the 2 weeks my kids are away. I'm half Spanish and have some very lovely relatives who have already invited me to come over and I very rudely have't answeredhave been trying to work out whether I was going to the States or not. Maybe I'll pay them a visit instead.

"I keep starting to do that, meaning that I've accepted that it's just not working, then I'll get all ridiculous again and think "but it has to work because he's so perfect for me" and so it goes round again."

I know exactly how you feel, believe me. It's natural to want to avoid pain, including emotional pain. Denial is a protective measure and is very useful at times, so don't knock it.

I think if he was really perfect for you, he would be moving mountains to be with you. He's not doing that, and you shouldn't ignore that fact.
Keep us posted :)

Keep us posted

I will. I'm going to talk to him tonight.

I think if he was really perfect for you, he would be moving mountains to be with you. He's not doing that, and you shouldn't ignore that fact.
And this. I know, I know.

What if he turns up on your doorstep during that time, and you are over there?

What if he turns up on your doorstep during that time, and you are over there?
Lovely thought but not going to happen

Oh Shiny,

You have made me think of times in my younger self, when tbh, I embarrassed myself with neediness. I so wanted to be with the right person, I did all the pursuing.

He's said no, you need to respect it. I also suspect now is the time to ween yourself off this relationship.

It honestly sounds like he has a significant other, and that is why he doesn't want to you come.

Spend the time doing something else completely. Go to Spain, and perhaps meet a Chico!

x

Or a Groucho Paco. Or a Harpo Jaime. Or a Zeppo Carlos

Without revealing my own foolishness experience too much, do not go. He is stringing you along. He likes the thrill of a gf without any responsibility, does not want you there and slowly, slowing this is controlling your life and choices.

Go to Spain, have a wonderful time with people who actually care for you, block him and do not look back.

It's easy to be perfect for someone and have them be perfect for you if you don't have to live with them.

Go shag meet a couple of hot Spaniards purely in the interests of comparison

Aw Shiny, wish I could give you a hug. Horrible situation to be in and good luck with the talk - though I'm with everyone else I'm afraid, and having a few sangrias and meeting hot Spaniards sounds like an awesome plan to me Keep us updated.

Thanks people. Wow, posting on here has been incredibly humiliating but very helpful too. Thanks for the hugs.

So last night I suggested we spend a few days not talking and thinking about what each of us wants and what's going to happen going forward. I was really honest and told him that I was suffering with the situation to the point that it was making me think about doing really stupid things and I didn't want to go on feeling like that. I'm not sure he understood the no talking thing though, he said "Can I still text you though?"

Posting on here has been 'humiliating'? Have you taken a look at AIBU?

Jeez, honey, if you'd posted there you'd be toast; singed and charred, blackened and burned

So what are these 'really stupid things' this situation is making you feel like doing?

Izzy why are you asking so many weird questions?

O.P has made it clear she doesn't want to divulge.

Just read this thread I really think you need to be strong & stick with your ultimatum. You never know he might man up & turn on your doorstep!! If not you need to make the painful decision to cut all ties. You'll never find a "real" relationship while you're attached to Mr Facetime.

Weird questions, pepper?

I prefer to view them as humourous logical, but in this particular instance I'm concerned that the 'really stupid things' Shiny's referred to may be somewhat more harmful to herself than jetting across the pond to surprise Mr Skypeypants.

Yes, humiliating! While it might seem hilarious and ridiculous to you, this is my life under discussion here!

No no, the stupid things I'm referring to are the turning up on his doorstep kind of things. I'm ridiculous in many ways clearly but actually physically hurting myself isn't one of them.