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Original poster

Would you travel round the world to surprise someone?

180 replies

Shinyshinyface · 26/07/2012 15:31

Um...after they'd said not to come?

I'll try and sum this up briefly...I'm divorced 3 years, got 3 teenagers...met a lovely man online who lives in the US, we hit it off fabulously from the first moment and I went to visit him not long after, all was wonderful EXCEPT that we both knew there was no real future for us as a couple as neither one of us was in a position to completely uproot our life for the other. All very good and sensible except I fell completely and utterly in love and I'm pretty sure he feels close to the same. We talk twice a day, every single day.

My kids are off to the US for 2 weeks in August and I had said to this guy that I could come and stay again because it was a really rare opportunity for me...he said no because we had already been through the pain of meeting and having to separate again and really didn't want the pain of going through that again. I understood his point but just felt that having those 2 weeks was better than nothing at all and we'd just have to pick ourselves up again like we did after the last visit. He had steadfastly said no despite my subsequent attempts to change his mind. The 2 weeks are looming and I was to see him so badly...I'm contemplating just turning up.

I know it sounds really stupid and reckless and possibly more than a bit selfish. I'm not sure what his reaction would be but I suspect after some initial shock/anger he would be happy to see me. I'm scared at the audacity involved but I'm a person strongly ruled by my heart...

Your thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 09:37

Oh and you can't record FaceTime, I have checked. Unless you're using a Mac to do it, which neither of us was.

OP posts:
stuffitunderthebed · 28/07/2012 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigercametotea · 28/07/2012 09:56

I have been through a somewhat similar emotionally-intense relationship with a man I met online wheb I was about 18 - he was 6 years older than me, we were both single, enjoyed parties, etc... and I do empathise with your predicament. I didn't turn up at his unannounced though and he did invite me. But it didn't work out in the end of course... Our last meet up was terrible. We quarrelled, fell out, etc. And I'm sure the realisation that the relationship was never going to work was partly why we were not in a good mood in the last meet up. We broke up shortly after. But I will always cherish that experience and it was special to me. But it also taught me a huge lesson about online relationships... And ever since then, I've never treated any man I meet online as serious relationship potentials any more. I remember there was another one I met at 21 who was same age as me, very interested in me and we connected on many things, but about six months into it, I met my DH and found the real life relationship more meaningful and worth pursuing than the online one. Once bitten, twice shy. I stopped corresponding with the guy online soon after I met DH. The guy online seemed upset (but at that time there was no skype so we only emailed). I felt quite guilty breaking it off and was worried I had perhaps chosen the wrong guy ... What if... What if... All those questions in my head you know. But I decided that it wasn't worth as much investing time into an online relationship again. At least with my DH (then-boyfriend) I could meet him daily, could see what he's like as a real person, see all his flaws and strengths, make a better decision about his suitability for me. With online relationships it's not enough for me to go on, and there's alwayd a danger of it being more based on illusion and fantasy.

I have a good friend who met a guy online and they then met up in real life (since they were from the same country) and went out as a couple for 3 years. She even followed him to Australia when he went there to study, and she enrolled to study as well (different course). Then he cheated on her while they were there and she broke up with him when she was in her final year. It was a big thing to her. The relationship was very special but she was very disappointed. I don't think what happened to them would have been any different if they'd not met online but in real life... But online relationships just tend to be a bit more intense in my experience.. And maybe not necessarily a good thing to be so.

Numberlock · 28/07/2012 09:59

I'm on dating sites and get 'international' messages but always ignore them as it seems odd to contact someone thousands of miles away. Who sent the first message?

Have you booked your flights to Spain?

Offred · 28/07/2012 10:02

I wouldn't say it would be because of not trusting him that I would go. It would be because it was a make or break thing generally, either he wants a relationship or not and tbh I wouldn't put up with "I'm scared to say goodbye again" that is a crap reason IMO, I'd want to find out if the relationship had legs before I wasted more of my life and energy on it.

becstarsky · 28/07/2012 10:12

Thread has moved on a bit from the OP but thought this was still worth posting. This actually happened to me - but other way round.

My then-boyfriend in Australia said he was thinking of coming over. I told him not to - it was a really bad time for a visit, I was renting a tiny room where I wasn't allowed visitors, hugely busy and about to set off on a business trip, and I was having some doubts about whether he was the right guy for me - I wanted some space while I decided whether I should end the LDR and start living in the present...

So ExBoyf turned up with a dozen red roses unexpectedly the day before I was due to leave on my business trip. He said that he knew I had to go away for work, and that just seeing me for 24 hours was all he'd hoped for. I thought that was a bit weird, and I had a mass of work to get myself ready for the trip. I ended the relationship then and there and sent him home. It seemed like he was more into the drama of this big gesture than in being considerate and relating to me as a real human being. I'd asked for space and he just showed up - it was all romantic movie type drama, but not listening to what I'd actually asked for. It made it clear to me that I didn't want to have a family with him.

So even if he's NOT seeing someone else etc. etc..... I still wouldn't do it!

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 10:40

stuffitunderthebed Not long in real life terms so I won't say in case I get ridiculed again. But it feels as though we've known each other a long time.

Offred ok fair enough, I didn't see that. People posted the question recently on Apple forums and the answer was no. It doesn't really make any difference though.

tigercametotea You're right, online relationships are more intense and have to be treated with caution. That doesn't mean they can't work though, just like any other kind of relationship.

Numberlock I don't normally initiate conversations with people in other countries but one day for fun I decided to open up my search to see who my highest match percentage was with worldwide...he was in the top three. When I read his profile I just had to write to him, it was so lovely. So it's all my fault really.

becstarsky That's a sobering story, thanks for sharing. I have already reconsidered doing it, thankfully. It would be all about MY needs and not listening to his.

OP posts:
stuffitunderthebed · 28/07/2012 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 28/07/2012 10:45

Shiny - I don't think he is listening to yours though tbh is he and "I couldn't bear you to leave" I seriously doubt is the full story. It may be more like "I am not ready for a relationship" but if it is that he is not communicating it adequately by being kind and he is not following that through with his actions. I don't think he gets to lead you on at a distance and then shut you down when you want to progress the relationship so I would either write it off or turn up by surprise.

Numberlock · 28/07/2012 10:51

Even if he did want you to go, when would the next time be that you could see each other? Is it more the fact that you've got these two weeks to fill that's the problem do you think.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 11:04

Offred Actually he has been pretty clear...I think I did allude it to it in my OP but we have had discussions where he has said he can't see there being a future for us. He hasn't misled me in any way about that. He HAS said that there's part of him that really wants to say yes, come over because he does want to see me but it wouldn't make sense emotionally and in other ways. I'm the one that wants to just live in the moment and have the 2 weeks together and worry about the consequences later.

Which brings me to your point Numberlock. You're right, the fact that these 2 weeks are looming is having a big effect on me but maybe it's not bad to have something that forces the issue. It's not so much that I have 2 weeks to fill, it's more the fact that I could be spending those two weeks with him and I'm going to find it really hard to be at home (or anywhere else) thinking I could have been there. I haven't booked my flights to Spain yet because obviously that makes it real that I'm not going to America Confused I'll wait till we've talked tomorrow. Then things should be clearer.Not that I think he's going to ask me to come, not at all, but then I'll have to face reality and the fact that I don't want to spend those 2 weeks moping and pining at home. I'll mope and pine all over my lovely cousins instead Grin

OP posts:
Offred · 28/07/2012 11:05

You want different things I think, I would end it.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 11:05

stuffitunderthebed your poor mum Smile I kind of agree with her on that one.

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Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 11:08

Offred that's about the long and the short of it. I should end it but I'm a coward when it comes to causing myself more pain. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Maybe he'll end it himself.

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Offred · 28/07/2012 11:12

He won't end it, he is happy to fulfil his own needs on his own terms and not too concerned about how it makes you feel. He wants companionship from a distance, I wouldn't be too sure it is because he was hurt but may be why or one of the reasons his marriage broke down. He has joined a dating site and says he doesn't want a relationship so I think there is a pattern here. Fair enough he's meeting his own needs but it sounds as though he is not concerned at all about yours do you being unhappy wont make him end it, you turning up in a bid to get yours met might.

Offred · 28/07/2012 11:14

"can I not even text you?"

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 11:29

To be fair...he said he doesn't want a long distance relationship, he wants one with someone he can see and hold and I can't argue with that because I feel the same...the difference is I'd wait it out till we could do that and/or change things if I could to have the chance to be together. As others have said, he isn't prepared to do that for me and I'm not able to do it for him.

Isn't it enough to think...it's as hard for him to let go as it is for me? Because he cares for me? Even if letting me go would be the more selfless thing to do? We're neither of us behaving very sensibly here.

OP posts:
Offred · 28/07/2012 11:32

I do not believe that at all. He is only comfortable to have the distance and refuses to have the closeness when there is opportunity, what he is saying does not match up with what he is doing, if he thought you were the right person he would actually be giving it a chance to get to the stage where you would be together all the time, when you explain your feelings and ask for space he won't let you because he still wants to text you.

Offred · 28/07/2012 11:34

Think you probably fulfil his needs for companionship but I doubt he wants a relationship with you and yes he may be clinging on because it is hard to let go but i think it is more that it is hard to let go of the companionship not to let go of you.

Offred · 28/07/2012 11:36

My DH was on a dating site although I didn't meet him on it. He said he would absolutely never consider a single mum. We've been married for 3 1/2 years and have had twins to add to his two step children so I think if you really want the person you do let those barriers down for them.

Offred · 28/07/2012 11:47

Or on the flip side he thinks you are right but is stupidly constrained by some rules he has. Either way only one of the things he is doing is the truth I think either the words or the behaviour and I just think it shouldn't be all about him. He is not being clear with you, i'm not sure why that is and I don't see anything wrong with pushing for your needs to be met if you choose to believe the actions or cutting him loose if you think the words are true and he is just stringing you along.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 12:16

Well that's the essence of where I am now isn't it...when we talk I should really be offering some kind of ultimatum where I say either he lets me come over and we try and have a LDR or I have to walk away. I'm just not an ultimatum kind of person though. He is stringing me along in a way but I am happily letting him do it and what does that say about me? I'm not under any illusions whatsoever about the situation.

Re the dating thing...I think a lot of men have that idea about single mums. I don't think he's one of them though. He dated someone for a few months last year last year that had kids and didn't seem to have a problem with it. Also my kids are 17, 15 and 13...in a few years they all will have moved out anyway. But my dating prowess so far leads me to believe that most blokes are just not interested when there are someone else's kids around.

Not my exH though apparently...he had an affair with and married a woman with four young kids, they're now married and he's having a horrible time Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 12:17

Had an affair while we were married I should add!

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tigercametotea · 28/07/2012 12:19

By all means Shiny, go and see him if you feel that's what you need. I wasn't trying to put you off, just relating my experiences. And yes I do know someone who ended up marrying a girl he met online and he converted to a Muslim to be with her and they had children. One day out of the blue some 17 year old girl msged me on FB asking if I knew the guy's whereabouts. I hadn't spoken to him in yonks even though we wrre in contact on FB and knew each other from a decade ago. I was very surprised. I asked her why did she contact me to ask. And she said he talked about me a before and she thoufht maybe I'd know where he's gone cos he hadn't chatted online for like weeks... Never mind the crreepiness I felt when I realise he's been talking to people abput me specifically - why?! We never had a relationship other than platonic and I would never see him as bf or husband material... Just not my type though we had common interests in music as teens. And then I had to tell her I'm sorry I haven't spoken to him for years and haven't seen any online activity from him either. And she never came back to me again and I was left wondering if he is alright and if his family is alright and what on Earth was he doing striking up an online friendship with a girl 10 years younger than him.

This is not to say that all internet relationships will end badly shiny. But my own personal experiences led me to put more faith in relationships established in real life.

Your guy might be different. No one can say for sure. I don't want to tell you don't go, because your heart is still attached to him and it is your journey to follow, your life to live. I just thought to post my experiences that's all. I also knowa friend who met her DH online and they are happily married with a child for years so yes t can work out in some cases. But was he telling her not to visit, etc? No, he never did, not at any stage of their rwlationship. It depends on each situation you see. But in your case it does sound a bit like your guy is not that into making it work I'm afraid... But I may be wrong of course.

I sincerely wish you good luck whichever you decide to do.