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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you travel round the world to surprise someone?

180 replies

Shinyshinyface · 26/07/2012 15:31

Um...after they'd said not to come?

I'll try and sum this up briefly...I'm divorced 3 years, got 3 teenagers...met a lovely man online who lives in the US, we hit it off fabulously from the first moment and I went to visit him not long after, all was wonderful EXCEPT that we both knew there was no real future for us as a couple as neither one of us was in a position to completely uproot our life for the other. All very good and sensible except I fell completely and utterly in love and I'm pretty sure he feels close to the same. We talk twice a day, every single day.

My kids are off to the US for 2 weeks in August and I had said to this guy that I could come and stay again because it was a really rare opportunity for me...he said no because we had already been through the pain of meeting and having to separate again and really didn't want the pain of going through that again. I understood his point but just felt that having those 2 weeks was better than nothing at all and we'd just have to pick ourselves up again like we did after the last visit. He had steadfastly said no despite my subsequent attempts to change his mind. The 2 weeks are looming and I was to see him so badly...I'm contemplating just turning up.

I know it sounds really stupid and reckless and possibly more than a bit selfish. I'm not sure what his reaction would be but I suspect after some initial shock/anger he would be happy to see me. I'm scared at the audacity involved but I'm a person strongly ruled by my heart...

Your thoughts please?

OP posts:
Offred · 28/07/2012 08:19

I remember a thread about a conference where the woman fell in love really quickly and spent all her time with the man before flying home feeling sad - was that you?

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 08:32

No that wasn't me! Met this guy on a dating website.

I do have 'form' with LDRs...my exH was also American. I suppose if anything that just made me think that the distance etc wasn't so much of a barrier. But things are very different when you're 45 compared to when you're 21.

OP posts:
Offred · 28/07/2012 08:35

Is he married do you think? Is that why he calls you as soon as he leaves the office and doesn't want you turning up (and thinks he is safe because you are in another country)?

JustFabulous · 28/07/2012 08:37

izzy - you did go on rather too much. Shiny said she didn't want to post and that is her right.

Shiny, I wish you luck. And a lovely, hot, kind, local man to snuggle up with.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 08:40

No, I went to stay with him for a week already remember? He's definitely not married, nor does he have a girlfriend.

His wife left him 3 years ago and he was in pieces. He's protecting himself from pain--he described very clearly how he would feel if I was there for 2 weeks and then left again. He's very cautious and sensible and gave due consideration to uprooting himself at the age of 41 and risking everything to go be with me...and concluded that he just couldn't do it. We're both being foolish and clingy by keeping things going at the moment, we know that. But letting go is very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 08:43

Thanks JustFabulous. My sister said yesterday she wished I'd never met him...I almost think that too. It's been so sad and draining. I'd like to meet someone lovely who lives near me!

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Offred · 28/07/2012 08:46

I'm not sure that is conclusive proof really, do you know it was his home you went to? Do you know that it wasn't just that his family could have been on holiday?

It sounds suspicious for some reason. It could be that he is attached, that he has changed his mind about the relationship. If you are doing webcam sex are you sure he is trustworthy? These things can be recorded and sold... ConfusedSad

I definitely think you have got in way too deep way too quickly and if he can't or doesn't want to commit to a relationship you need to just cut all contact and try to move on because the strength of your feelings won't allow you to unless you totally cut him out of your life.

stuffitunderthebed · 28/07/2012 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/07/2012 08:52

I read it as the "stupid things" were mainly coming to see him without an invitation, but she had the sense not to tell him.

Can he still text, oh get OUTTA here!

Anniegetyourgun · 28/07/2012 08:52

Dammit, missed a page. Sorry.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 08:53

You will just have to take my word for this. He's not a player or a cheater, he's a good person that can't cope with the distance and emotional baggage of a LDR. I wish to god I had never mentioned the sex thing because it's obviously tainted people's views of what's going on.
He's a lovely guy. Just not a lovely guy who wants to spend his life with me. I will need to get over this, yes, definitely, don't know how or when but I will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 08:58

Thank you so much StuffIt for taking the time to read and post. I've been reading your thread and feeling your pain.
I get it about the ultimatum. That's what I'm supposed to be thinking about during our time off from talking. Not sure I'm strong enough but will do my best. Yesterday was the longest day of my life, not talking or texting.

OP posts:
Offred · 28/07/2012 09:01

No, no, I'm not saying that at all. What I'm saying is that having fallen for him you may not be best placed to really see the dangers here for what they are. You have already basically said he puts you in a spin and makes you make irrational decisions. I do think it is very dangerous to sex video call with anyone you have met on a dating website and even more so if they are abroad and you can't just turn up.

stuffitunderthebed · 28/07/2012 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

followyourjoy · 28/07/2012 09:02

Bloody hell..I am SO shocked at how negative the reaction has been to this thread. I just want to add something for Shiny
Firstly I completely understand your situation is very difficult and I think a lot of women (are they women or men, hard to tell sometimes) on here have really unfairly jumped on you and your American friend and are so quick to judge and belittle it's unbelievable.
You fell in love...that is a wonderful, beautiful thing and you don't have to build a thick skin for your heart. You are fine!! You just asked a simple question, and it's a beautiful idea to be spontaneous and follow your heart. Also sounds perfectly clear that the US man has been hurt and is trying desperately to protect himself....so he doesn't sound like an asshole, just another unique individual human being. Just maybe he is in love with you too, but as he says doesn't want to change and uproot (for fear of being hurt if it doesn't work out). However, life and the universe have plans for us. This was not a chance encounter, it was something important in your life. Love doesn't happen to everyone, and you can't chose who you fall in love with. Sometimes it is painful and difficult...but by it's very nature, you can't just ignore it!!! It's a wonderful thing to nurture. YOu may not be in the same country but you're on the same planet and there can be a way to make it work.
It could be a case of trust etc. I would carry on talking to him. Build up a strong trust and friendship, and learn from it, about yourself...about him. Talk to him as a fellow sensitive human being. He is attached to you too, poor guy....
I just wanted to give you another, slightly more positive reaction. So many people on here sound jaded and negative and quick to judge and you have no idea what terrible situations they are in. Some are probably jealous that you have fallen in love even. Trust your heart....the head is full of nonsense, the heart guides us and tells us the truth. Don't be sensible, but do be able to take the consequences, nothing is ever wrong, it's just another lesson and we need to take risks in order to grow!
And human beings make mistakes....that is the beauty of us...finally...follow your joy, Life is an adventure! Good luck

Offred · 28/07/2012 09:05

I mean actually in this situation yes, with these things going on and with these feelings I would actually probably just turn up because I'd not be able to trust what he was saying unless I did.

stuffitunderthebed · 28/07/2012 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 28/07/2012 09:10

Really, I'm not judging him. I don't know him at all. I asked her questions and I'm pointing out that she has said herself that he had her out of her rational mind. It is not judging him to say she needs to consider that he may not be genuine and to consider the risks of the things she is doing, that is just sensible. A person who loves you doesn't mind you protecting yourself. It doesn't mean you don't live someone just because you take steps in a relationship to protect yourself either him or your but his steps mean the end of the relationship don't they and you are not taking steps to protect yourself I think and that's why it is going wrong I think.

Offred · 28/07/2012 09:14

And video calls can be recorded. They can be saved, published and they can be kept until you choose to delete them if that is what you want. It is not judging him to consider this I really think it is very important. It is the reason I would never do something like this even with my husband.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 09:16

Followyourjoy you have made me cry like a big crybaby reading your post. Thank you, thank you for understanding. It really helps so much to read words like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 09:20

Offred I understand what you're saying. Its just that for me there isn't an issue of not trusting him, end of story. I know nothing I say will convince you of that and it's not what you yourself would do in this situation but of all the issues bothering me at the moment, that particular one isn't one of them.

OP posts:
TheLightPassenger · 28/07/2012 09:23

It will be very hard, if not impossible for you to get over him when you are talking/videoing with him on a daily basis, I agree that spending some time in Spain would be v good, give you time and space to think even if you're not at the plenty more fish in the sea stage yet.

Offred · 28/07/2012 09:26

I understand that but I am not of the opinion that this stuff is related to trust or love. I think you can choose to trust someone and also behave rationally and with scepticism so you can trust what he is telling you is true and believe him and trust in the relationship without this compromising your self protection. I'm not jealous Hmm or unhappy in my relationship. I have had people I loved like this and who expected proof of trust which involved sacrificing my head in the past. I don't think I'm jaded, I think I've just learned a better way and that a person who loves you won't ask, expect or need you to do something that puts you at risk, it really is an unnecessary level of trusting behaviour not necessarily anything to do with trust in him.

Offred · 28/07/2012 09:28

But really if I were you and that is what I believed I would be turning up on his doorstep without warning.

Original poster
Shinyshinyface · 28/07/2012 09:36

I don't know Offred, I can't really get my head around what you're saying. I do appreciate you taking the time to answer though. If I did turn up on his doorstep it wouldn't be to check up on him. It would be because I couldn't stand not being with him when I had the chance to. It's very unlikely I'll do that now...in fact I won't, this thread has definitely cured me of wanting to do that.

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