Would you travel round the world to surprise someone?

[Shinyshinyface]

Um...after they'd said not to come?

I'll try and sum this up briefly...I'm divorced 3 years, got 3 teenagers...met a lovely man online who lives in the US, we hit it off fabulously from the first moment and I went to visit him not long after, all was wonderful EXCEPT that we both knew there was no real future for us as a couple as neither one of us was in a position to completely uproot our life for the other. All very good and sensible except I fell completely and utterly in love and I'm pretty sure he feels close to the same. We talk twice a day, every single day.

My kids are off to the US for 2 weeks in August and I had said to this guy that I could come and stay again because it was a really rare opportunity for me...he said no because we had already been through the pain of meeting and having to separate again and really didn't want the pain of going through that again. I understood his point but just felt that having those 2 weeks was better than nothing at all and we'd just have to pick ourselves up again like we did after the last visit. He had steadfastly said no despite my subsequent attempts to change his mind. The 2 weeks are looming and I was to see him so badly...I'm contemplating just turning up.

I know it sounds really stupid and reckless and possibly more than a bit selfish. I'm not sure what his reaction would be but I suspect after some initial shock/anger he would be happy to see me. I'm scared at the audacity involved but I'm a person strongly ruled by my heart...

Your thoughts please?

Thanks for that
You do start to wonder how perfect other people's lives must be when they've never done anything at all silly or made a mistake. Anyway.
You're right.
I ended up having "the talk" today. There were no ultimatums and nothing was concluded, many of the things said had been said before. The difference is that when the call ended I found I had actually taken on board the implications of what he was saying. All hope, illusion and delusion had fallen away and I was seeing things for what they really were. and I noticed the things that were not said, like any concern for my emotional welfare.
I'm still thinking it through and things are still falling into place. It might take a little while but I know this is it now, I can never again pretend to myself that anything about this situation makes me happy.
Bear with me.

Do you know what, shiny, this may be just the thing you need to open your eyes and set yourself free. Pretty soon you'll be surprised at how much happier you are. Good on you!

Well done for noticing things that weren't said and for taking on board the implication of what he was saying.

When a man tells you who he is - listen Possibly one of the best bits of advice there is in the world.

It's shit though to give up on something that you really want and to give up something exciting/ego boosting etc but I actually think todays conversation will make it a lot easier to start to put this behind you.

Oh I've been through this. Please, please try not to let yourself get caught up in endless rounds of these talks. Endless sighs and if onlys. Endless deep and meaningful conversations with argument and counter arguments, going round in endless circles. More sighs....you get the idea.

For your own peace of mind you need to take back the control here. He's made you aware that he must talk to you first thing and races home to talk to you. How special that makes you. But not special enough, right?

Take the 2 weeks to cut off, even if you go no where. Tell him you have no pc access and break the cycle. Delete texts without reading them.

Mind your heart.

Shiny, Firstly i would like to say do not listen to some people posting on this board giving you all kinds of harsh comments. & I would ignore people telling you over and over that there is more to the 'truth' of why he doesnt want you to come over. It sounds like you have no worries with regards to his current situation in America.

I have never been in a situation like that but I have been in a LDR. Sometimes I think distance makes you feel more for someone because you always want what you cant have. The most intense and besotted relationship I have been in was a LDR but it was not the best relationship i have ever been in. Sometimes are vision and focus in a situation can become unclear when we are involved with someone intensely. Sometimes the heart overules the head and its certainly nothing to be ashamed off! You are only human at the end of the day.

I do not think you are a mug or a fool and I do not think you should be embarassed with your post. As you have said you have been married before with children, its hard to adjust to life without a 'focus' point. Its nice to recieve attention and to feel like you have a connection to someone in your everyday life.

However i do think you have made the right decision to not go over and visit him. Having read most of your posts I do think that the situation is starting to become unhealthy. As others have said maybe you need to move on from having contact with him in order to meet someone you can have a proper realistic relationship with. It sounds like you are starting to come to terms with what you might need to do to get on with your life. These decisions are never easy, they always seem heartbreaking at the time. No-one likes to be hurt but in the end you come out stronger and with a healthier mindset.

Good luck with your decision!

I don't think there's anyone who hadn't been in a similar problem. It is hard to walk away, but as long as he's stopping you from moving on and from developing the relationship further he is not being your friend. I have been there (inadvertently on both sides at different times) and the kindest thing you can do at this stage is to cut contact for a while at least. You can tell him why you need that, there's no need to just change your number, but don't debate it for months, that's just dragging it out and stopping you healing.

Good luck!

Thanks people. I'm just beginning the process in my head. Things he said yesterday keep coming back and stabbing me with knives. For example telling me in detail how he fell in love with his ex wife. I really didn't need to hear that just at that particular moment.
So although we ended the conversation amicably, since then I've been thinking hard and trying to detach emotionally. I turned my phone off last night so if he did call, I wouldn't know. You have no idea what a huge step that is for me.

That is a great first step, well done. Do something nice for yourself today, however small x

Thank you. I know this is small potatoes compared to what other people have been going through but it feels pretty awful to me right now. This thread is one of the things keeping me going at the moment!

The hard thing about the time difference is that although I can find things to distract myself with during the day, at night I have nowhere to be but home in bed and we have often talked at ridiculous times of the night. And at night your defences tend to be low.

Just sending a hug x

Thanks Mushroom. need hugs

Well done shiny x

Hi shiny, just catching up on your thread. Good idea to turn your phone off, perhaps do the same every night now and leave phone, PC, iPad etc downstairs when you go to bed.

Have you got a good set of female friends to arrange a night out soon?

Hugs to you too, Shiny. I think that was an important step you realising the stuff left unsaid. x

Shiny, I have a story whch is a bit similar, though I was probably more in his position. Met a guy on holiday, had a very fun holiday fling and kept in touch for a while. He was very enthusiastic and I really liked him but I was at the time being more pragmatic and thought that it was better for me to focus on finding a boyfriend closer to home. After 2 years of failing to do that I got in touch with him by email and he was as keen as ever.

I flew to the States and we had an incredible week together, then we had another week where we met in Paris and it was all very romantic. Really shook me out of my dating failure misery, gave me a spring in my step and revitalised my confidence. However the job he did was just not transferable to the UK and my career would have had no future in the US. But more to the point, it was clear that we were never going to be able to spend enough time together to get to know each other well enough to be able to tell whether it was right for one of us to take such a massive life change - without one of us having a working visa we's have had to have got married. I started to cool off (though respectfully) on Skype but he was really keen to visit me at home (neither of us had been to each other's homes before, just meeting for holidays). Anyway he convinced me and was here for a week during which I was working for a few days and I realised pretty quickly that we would never work as a couple in the day-to-day. He was all for taking the plunge and I had to tell him as kindly as I could that I didn't feel the same. I felt truly awful about it and a huge part of me had wanted a fairytale "love conquers the distance" romance.

The last couple of days of his visit were sort of bittersweet, we had a bit of a final fling but to be honest I was glad when he was gone. We now have only sporadic contact - he might "like" a comment I make on Facebook or something, but that's about it. Shortly after his final visit I met a guy in the same town through friends and we have had a textbook getting to know each other slowly, integrating painlessly into each other's lives and falling in love. When I think back to the LDR now I am not sorry I got mysef into it but I can't believe that for a while I thought it was a proper relationship and feel I had a lucky escape from doing something rash. All I can say is, I know how addictive any sort of attention can be, and I am sure that neither of you means to hurt the other, but it just can't work and ends up being draining, so you need to focus close to home - don't even get into any online chatting with anyone more than 50 miles away in future! Good luck and fingers crossed someone will pop up on your doorstep eventually.

Jessie thanks so much for sharing that. I'm so glad you've met someone and things have worked out for you. I did have a LDR with someone not long after I first started dating after my divorce and also had to end it after the real life version of events didn't match up to my fantasies...but that was with someone who was abroad working and would be returning to the UK in a few months. This situation is totally different but at least I knew what I was dealing with in terms of long distance stuff and of course like I said, my exH of 20 years was American and we were apart for a while at the beginning.
Lucky for you that you did get a chance to realise it was never going to work. I guess I'll never know with this one but it doesn't look like it was meant to be.
I can't get my head round the staying in touch part...maybe it's too soon to think about that, but the thought of being in touch and hearing that's he's met someone else would just about kill me.

Shiny, I still had a bit of sporadic email contact with the LDR after I met my current boyfriend. I felt I had to come clean and say I had met someone and from that moment on he never emailed me directly again, it was the trigger to cut off all contact. I am sure it was hard for him but I do think fondly of him and hope he found someone too.

How are things going OP?

Also checking in to see how you are. And don't worry if you fall off the wagon, you will still get good support here whether you are ready to limit contact with him or not. :) Hope you're okay.

Oh thanks so much for checking in

As you've probably guessed I did indeed fall off the wagon...I just couldn't do it that way and in the end went back to talking.

Big difference now though...no illusions or false hope. I know and understand exactly where I stand. I saw that he didn't want to stop talking to me either. But I didn't mistake that for anything it wasn't. I'm just going to play it by ear from now on...I'll just get on with my life and see how it goes.

I've decided not to go to Spain though...I'm going to stay home, try and get some stuff done round the house and make the most of being child free and planning to meet up with friends. I'm trying to decide what to do the day my kids actually leave (which was the day I was planning to go too). I need something very distracting to do that day but I'm also slightly wickedly planning to go quiet in terms of texting etc so he may just be asking himself ALL DAY whether I'm going to unexpectedly turn up. Is that really evil of me?

And!! I'm going to buy myself an iPad as a massive treat It's a heck of a lot cheaper than flying to the US

Ahem OP. Texting? maybe not texting at all for a while would be the best way to move on from thinking about him. Otherwise you are just picking at that sore bit.

Suggest you go buy your ipad the day your DC go, that will occupy you well enough

I just can't stop at the moment. I'm sure the day will come when I find I can or absolutely have to and I'll have to deal with it then.

No, I would not. He doesn't want you to go and see him but he wants to have you on the end of a piece of electronic/digital rope. I think he is, 'not that into you' but is into the idea of controlling you to an extent. While he behaves like this perhaps he hopes that he will prevent you finding someone else. If that is hard for him to contemplate then he will have to grin and bear it.

That's not what you want to hear but you found him and you can find someone else. Good luck!

Maybe he's lonely too. It is nice to have someone to talk to but it looks like he sees no future for the two of you.

Time to look for love locally but no reason to cut all ties, it will probably come to a natural end when you meet someone else.