'fiance' has completely changed since baby came . breaking my heart!

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me and my partner have been together since i was 16, him 18 which was 7 years ago. we have a unique relationship i think, personal jokes, sayings, even voices. ofcourse silly arguements but hardly ever. he lives with me at my mums while we work towards a deposit 4 a mortgage. had two previous miscarriages and tm3rd time lucky have a baby girl who is 4weeks. traumatic birth. lost 3litres of blood, couldnt even.hold my baby for the 1st 2 days of her life. still trying to recover and have had so much support from.my mum. my fiance has.decided he hates my mum after all these years. everyday shouts at me and tells me to.tell her to stop interfering (helping at night as he wont cz he has work, washing bottles as shes washing up anyway, asking if baby is ok as she hasnt been to well....not interfering) lastnight baby was rushed 2hospital due to her breathing (she is fine) but i was shaking just being back there. he said he disnt want 2come.with me but felt like he had to!!! she kept stopping breathing and he didnt.want to be there! on way home early hours he.made me hysterical calling me names, hes going to move back to his mums today and ill "never have to deal with him again". ive tried talking to him for weeks now but he just turns it into an arguement. i love him so much and have never seen.this side of him. feel so lost and confused!!!!

That all sounds so traumatic for all of you, so sorry you have been through all this.

My only thoughts are that he its going through a very stressful time (your miscarriages, the birth, living with your Mum, lack of sleep, ill baby ...) I know you are too, but people deal with stress in different ways. Men often feel such pressure to 'provide' when children come along too.

I would guess that this is why he is being as he is. Keep talking to him, tell him how much you love him and that things WILL get better.

Hope you can sort this out, you sound very strong! Sending you a big hug!

You are being treated very badly and I think it would be a mistake to go chasing after him and trying to get him back. Perhaps he is not ready for the responsibility of being a father and having a mortgage etc. Being at work is not an excuse for not helping especially in these circs. My DH had a very stressful time during my twin pg and after they were born but he didn't take it out on me or the rest of the family.

Right now you need to focus on getting better and looking after your baby. If he leaves I think you should be grateful for the lucky escape and not chase him back, if he is going to come back he needs to get with the program and realise what is expected of him not strop about trying to get attention, this won't happen if you give him attention by chasing him about.

I think I am a bit in between both these posts.
Agree with most of what 4 says,but I wouldnt personally guarantee that things will get better regarding your dp.Sorry.
And agree with some of what Offred says.He is not coping well right now,but in an ideal world he would still be massively helping you out.He sounds like his personal stress is at breaking point.Not what you need right now,but I am not sure your fiance is coping much at all.I would be inclined to back off a bit.Sounds like he may even go over the edge in some way otherwise,such as drinking,leaving etc.
If he has got on with your mum before,I think he might again,when he is in a better place emotionally.
Good luck to you and the baby and all of you.

See I think we are all agreed that he isn't coping well but what I think matters (because a lot of people don't cope well) is he has decided to withdraw from caring for the baby or you in response to that. He has decided to abdicate his responsibilities and run off. Imagine The circs in which stress would bring you to that op and I bet you can't think of them. His tolerance for stress from his family is lower than it needs to be. Miscarriages and a difficult birth should not be beyond his ability to cope without being nasty and leaving. I think and so it doesn't really matter what his particular problem is, how he is reacting does not bode well.

thank you everyone. he has just packed a bag and left. it broke my heart as our daughter literally followed him with her eyes as he walked out. he didnt even say bye. im emotionally and physically drained. my mum has taken baby so i can get some sleep. shaking from exhaustion but dont even think ill be able to sleep im so upset. im not coping well myself and thought we could do it together just like we have got through everything together. i constantly tell him how much i love him to the point i think im being abit of a mug after hes doing this but sometimes i cant help it xxx

have you actually spoken to each other honestly about how youre both feeling?

Let him do what he likes, he is not committed to you or to the baby. What he has done is extremely hurtful. Have a rest and see how you feel after. I bet you are coping better than him!

People show their true colours when going through tough times, he's shown you he's an immature and selfish man who isn't capable of supporting you and your baby when you need him the most.

Men who do this kind of thing aren't worth keeping, if he can walk out on you and his newborn child then he isn't a decent and loving man and you will be better without him.

Sadly, it is very common that if a man is going to be abusive to his partner, he will start to behave this way around the time of the birth of the first child.

He has broken your trust in a big way, and it is up to him to win it back again if he wants to be part of your life. It is most definitely not up to you to do anything to win him back. You hold all the cards here. If you do decide to try to make a go of the relationship, please do so on the basis that he has to behave towards you and your baby in a kind and loving way - no compromises.

Yes, he may just be struggling to deal with the emotions of the recent events, but if he is, he needs to take responsibility for handling them better. He probably needs to take himself to counselling for a while. At the moment he is choosing to deal with his emotions in an unkind and cowardly way. It is up to him to choose to handle things differently. If he doesn't make that choice, you will know that he sees your happiness as low down on his list of priorities.

I know that you love him. Of course you do. One question you have to ask yourself is whether, had you known that he would behave in this way when you first got together, you would have fallen in love with him and his behaviour then. Don't accept a lower standard for yourself just for the sake of the time you have already spent together. That is the past now. You have to look to the future.

I hope things soon start to become clearer for you. You have had a rough time that you really have not deserved.

yeah we have sat down on many occasions and spoke about our feelings.. he keeps telling me im not supporting him and being on his side in regards to my mums interfering because ive tried to explain to him that she is just trying to help me while in getting better which he should be doing. xxx i still look down at my daughter and smile even though in hurting inside but he just says he doesnt want to hold her when hes in a bad mood and i have a go at him for shouting around her. i grew up with an abusive dad i wouldnt let my baby go through it too xxx

Right at the moment, he is the one that needs to support you, not you him. You need the support of both your baby's father and your mum. Of course relationships are about mutual support, but there are times in any relationship where one partner needs more support than the other. Sometimes one partner will not be in a position to provide any support at all. In these times the 'stronger' person has to turn to other sources of support - friends, family or professional help - rather than burden their partner with even more things to deal with.

Your partner really needs to get over himself, and it is not your job right now to help him with that.

He's trying to blame your mum when he's the one at fault.

Better he leave your lives now so your dd will never miss him that stick around as a abusive dad.

You need to focus on the most important thing right now: your baby's health and your own. You need calm and rest to recover and it sounds like your baby also needs a lot of attention to make sure she's okay. THAT is your priority. If your partner can't help with that, then let him go.

He may have been a good partner in the past but I personally would never again trust a man who did not want to be at the hospital where our baby was struggling to breathe, or who walked out on me at such a hard time.

it must be so hard but try not to deal with him right now. Let your mum take care of you. You and your daughter are much better off right now without him around. You don't have to make any big decisions now, just focus on getting better.

You live in a stressful situation. Miscarriages, a traumatic birth, an unwell baby and then add to that (for him at least) the very real difficulty of living with in-laws, no matter how nice and helpful they are. It's a powder-keg. Sadly he's displayed a very immature response to the stress which is to cast around for blame, try to bury his head in the sand and then leave. You met as silly naive teens without any cares or responsibilities and, unfortunately for you, that's how he wants to remain.... whilst you've had to grow up very quickly.

You'll get along better with the baby if it's just you and your mum. Once he works out what a tit he's been, he'll probably be back.

thank you everyone. he is being an immature tit. lol. my best friend has come to cheer me up as she is in the same boat but her bubba is 6months and shes put up with it for that long. so we are sitting here man hating which helps lol x

Hi, first of all congrats on your baby's birth but I'm sorry to hear how stressful it has all been.

When one of our children was very ill, both my dh & I almost fell apart and our relationship changed overnight. It was so hard to build things back, only possible because my dh worked so hard to understand what had happened to him when our son nearly died.

It is possible your partner has had some kind of breakdown, it is also possible he is unsupportive/abusive by nature.

I think all you can do is focus on you and the baby for now and give it a little time to see how/who your partner really is.

Take care.

You've all had a very traumatic time. He probably thinks he nearly lost you and the baby. He's got himself in a state, lashed out and has run back to his mum. He may well hate himself for feeling like this and he may just not be able to man up.
It's up to you whether you can forgive him for being so useless when you both needed him most. But at the minute you're better off without him so you can concentrate on you and your lovely dd.

It sounds like he is suffering from PTSD plus a huge dose of guilt. In his eyes he saw the woman he loves nearly die and he probably felt very helpless. It is difficult and I think that he will come back once he gets over all the trauma. It is especially hard for u as well as u rightly feel abandoned . I hope things settle down but u concentrate on ur self and ur baby as u need all the strength in this trying times. Hope things get better soon as u said its not unlike him.

I hate to say it but is it possible he is seeing someone else? The speed with which he has quit on the relationship and the manner in which he has blown up over nothing almost suggests that he has been engineering a way out. Could be completely way off beam and a new baby can be a very difficult time but something just doesn't add up here. What kind of father doesn't want to hold their daughter? Unfathomable.

Even if not, he is clearly a colossal prick. For a father to moan about how HE is not being supported with a new baby around is both selfish and immature. If he doesn't want your mum around so much then he needs to propose a solution (which will involve him taking on more responsibility) but he doesn't seem interested in that. He just wants to quit on it.

While it certainly won't feel this way, in the long term he has probably done you a favour. You have seen his true colours, you have seen how big a man he really is and you can slowly start to build your life without him, perhaps with a new man that can be a loving father and role model to your daughter..

What Cogito said!

Hopefully his Mum can talk some sense into him.

I seriously doubt he is suffering from PTSD!!!! Nothing has actually happened to him, it is the op who miscarried and nearly died, the op who went with the not breathing baby to hospital. You might get PTSD from watching something like the London tube bombings at close quarters but not from this. He's struggling to cope yes, but it is a bit of an insult to people with PTSD to say that's what is going on here!!!

Oh dear - I do feel for you. I am afraid he sounds like the many young men who, once the baby is born is isn't an abstract romantic thought but a living, breathing and screaming being, find any excuse to disengage and back out of the whole idea of fatherhood. Unfortunately instead of being man enough to tell you this he is blaming everyone else apart from himself.

You have been through an awful lot in recent times. I am thankful that you are there with your mum and she is able to help you. You need to concentrate on yourself and your much wanted 4 week old baby! I don't blame you for being emotinally all over the place - you are a very new mum and everything is overwhelming at the best of times, without adding a snivelling milksop of a boyfriend into the mix.

I very much doubt he has PTSD, he is probably annoyed because he isn't the centre of attention any more.

Please look after yourself - stay there with your mum and think of you, not the bloke who has just walked out the door because it is not all about him any more.

OP, he has behaved abusely to you at the most vulnerable time of your life. This is him showing you his true colours. The way he is behaving about your mum is called transference; he knows he should be doing what your mum is doing for you, but he is pathetic, immature and inadequate, so he chooses not to. Your lovely mum stepping up to the mark means that he can't pretend these things need to be done to help you and it's making him feel rightfully guilty so he gets angry because he wants to ignore that truth.

I know you love him and your DD is very young, but you are both better off with someone who can act like he has. Complaining about going to hospital when your newborn stops breathing then bullying her mum intil she is hysterical? That is unforgiveable behaviour and you are well rid of this immature abuser.

Woah! I'm sorry OP that you're so hurt and it must be a terrible time for you. Don't write off your relationship just yet. Men can't cope with seeing the women they love in pain or in distress. Yes Offred, it would have been very shocking for the guy. It would have been a difficult time for him.

OP, I'm not saying he's coped with this in the best way but have a good talk with him with no blame and see what comes of it.

Let him go, for the moment. Don't waste time or energy worrying about him, he can (and will) look after himself, he's certainly putting his own needs and wishes ahead of anyone else's.
Yes, OK, things are stressful for him; no money, the loss of previous pregnancies, seeing you in pain, the general stress of a newborn (adorable though they are, newborns are hard work and their arrival disruptive) but he's doing the usual male prick thing of throwing a strop when suddenly no one is prioritizing him because he thinks he's the most important person in the house.
He'll either grow up or he won't, but it's up to him. Don't chase him, Look after yourself and your baby, you two are the ones that matter now.