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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'fiance' has completely changed since baby came . breaking my heart!

165 replies

angel05 · 25/07/2012 06:23

me and my partner have been together since i was 16, him 18 which was 7 years ago. we have a unique relationship i think, personal jokes, sayings, even voices. ofcourse silly arguements but hardly ever. he lives with me at my mums while we work towards a deposit 4 a mortgage. had two previous miscarriages and tm3rd time lucky have a baby girl who is 4weeks. traumatic birth. lost 3litres of blood, couldnt even.hold my baby for the 1st 2 days of her life. still trying to recover and have had so much support from.my mum. my fiance has.decided he hates my mum after all these years. everyday shouts at me and tells me to.tell her to stop interfering (helping at night as he wont cz he has work, washing bottles as shes washing up anyway, asking if baby is ok as she hasnt been to well....not interfering) lastnight baby was rushed 2hospital due to her breathing (she is fine) but i was shaking just being back there. he said he disnt want 2come.with me but felt like he had to!!! she kept stopping breathing and he didnt.want to be there! on way home early hours he.made me hysterical calling me names, hes going to move back to his mums today and ill "never have to deal with him again". ive tried talking to him for weeks now but he just turns it into an arguement. i love him so much and have never seen.this side of him. feel so lost and confused!!!!

OP posts:
LookBehindYou · 26/07/2012 15:49

Good news angel. It's a good start. Take care.

Offred · 26/07/2012 20:52

Look - please go and look up the diagnostic criteria for PTSD.

Offred · 26/07/2012 20:56

And tbh look I'm sick of you deliberately misreading my posts, I've not found his trauma lacking I have said he doesn't have PTSD, what I have found lacking is his behaviour and only that and I've said many times that he should get compassion for his trauma but not a minimisation of the effects of his behaviour.

Offred · 26/07/2012 20:57

That is nice and quick angel I hope it was just that he needed a blow out and now he feels he can be a good support! Smile

LookBehindYou · 26/07/2012 21:02

I know the definition Offred. I'm not misreading.

Offred · 26/07/2012 21:13

Why are you telling me I am judging his trauma and finding it wanting then and the numerous other things you have read into my posts such as people have not believed I have PTSD (untrue and have no idea where you get that from) and that I am type casting him? I've never said any of that I only ever said how he behaved has been abusive and that time would tell whether that was because of the trauma and the not coping or because he was abusive also that it needs to be looked at because trauma or not when bad things happen you need to be able to rely on your partner, them not being able to provide that doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad person but it may mean the relationship doesn't work out.

Tbh I think a few people have come on here and cried out about things which have not actually been said by other posters just read into posts because of people's inability to separate the idea of behaviour and person and understand that nice people can behave abusively. Saying someone behaved like a twat is not at all the same as saying they are a twat for example.

It just smacks of trying to control the conversation by deliberately misreading and repeating things that haven't been said and it's not helpful.

Offred · 26/07/2012 21:14

diagnostic criteria

saggyhairyarse · 26/07/2012 23:25

angel05, I don't want to put a dampner on things but please, please, please put your baby first and you second. I married a man who kicked off when the baby arrived and mine was 6 weeks early and in NICU for weeks. Of course, try and work things out, everyone makes mistakes, but don't flog a dead horse like I did for years on end. Some men are not capable of putting someone else first, not even their own children.

I wish you all the luck in the world!!!

chipmonkey · 26/07/2012 23:26

angel, when my dsis got pregnant, she told her boyfriend over the phone. He put the phone down on her. Up to then, he had been a lovely boyfriend. He did come back and he did apologise for his behaviour but six years down the line, my dsis kicked him out. Because sadly, he didn't improve a whole lot. He wasn't ever really there for my dsis and he wasn't properly there for his dd either. Even before he left, my dsis was to all intents and purposes a single parent.
Being a boyfriend had been easy, you see. Being a Dad was a whole lot harder and he wasn't up to the job.

My dsis met another guy who has been a far better stepdad than her ex has been a Dad. But she wasted a long time hoping that it would work with her dd's Dad

Original poster
angel05 · 26/07/2012 23:38

thank you offred. im sorry if i caused abit.of an arguement on here :-( things have been alright since he came home. a little insensitive now and again but no arguements x

OP posts:
Original poster
angel05 · 26/07/2012 23:58

thank u chipmonkey. im glad things worked out for ur dsis x thats very true about easy being a boyfriend and hard being a dad. im so grateful to have a healthy baby girl and really hope for her sake that the 3 of us can make it xxx

OP posts:
Offred · 27/07/2012 00:02

Was not anything you did angel!!! Fingers crossed it will be ok. Has he thought about looking into some kind of support to cope?

Offred · 27/07/2012 00:08

If he has come back after such a short time it could bode well because undoubtedly it would be easier for him to be somewhere else but he will probably still need proper support to actually function properly and you don't have emotional energy to sort this out for him. Also I think he needs to be accepting the reality of the effects of his behaviour too.

Original poster
angel05 · 27/07/2012 00:24

hes paid more attention to baby tonight which was nice. my mum offered to do the 2nd night feed as im in more pain than usual tonight and he is working long hours tomorrow 8am all the way till 12am but he made a big deal out of it so ill be doing it :-( i know it will take time for everything to fall into place. just wish it was sooner rather than.later so i can actually accept help and recover xxx

OP posts:
Offred · 27/07/2012 00:30

Please let your mum do it and don't fall back into tiptoeing around him, you need to recover well. It wont help him or you to pander to demands that are unreasonable.

Offred · 27/07/2012 00:33

And you don't need to be grateful to him for returning either. Although you probably are it shouldn't be required.

Original poster
angel05 · 27/07/2012 00:49

i even asked him his permission.if i could get my mum up and he said he will do it. although he kept moaning how tired he is and his long day tomorrow. i think things like that r just immature!!! baby has only just gone to sleep and due a feed in an hour :-\ if im still in pain and need help.ill have to get my mum to help for the sake of our dd x no time for being selfish when a baby is involved i think x

OP posts:
CommunistMoon · 27/07/2012 00:51

Quite so. Take care of yourself and baby. Hope you have a nice calm night.

amillionyears · 27/07/2012 06:24

I think the real issue here is the very delicate balance,maybe of power,maybe of egos,maybe of all the things that come with living with inlaws.
I had to do it for 3 months when 1 of my children had just been born.But it was the other way round with me.I went to live with my inlaws.
And quite frankly,they were lovely enough,but it was a strain that me and DH could have done without.And they were not really that interfereing.

Your DP wants much more of a say about the baby,and if he had more time and energy,much more being hands on by the sound of it.

you have been together 7 years.You dont say how long your DP has been living in the same house as your mother.If I were you,and difficult I know right now because you are so poorly,I would spend as much time as you can,just the 3 of you,together.Even if it only just shutting the bedroom door,with the 3 of you in the same room.
My guess is that your DP is going to appreciate this,and you will like it too.
You would need to tell your mum what you are doing and why.Hopefully she will understand.And hopefully,your DP will see that things have changed,and allow your mum to help out when he is unable to be around.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 27/07/2012 07:03

My only comment is too all the people saying 'he's not coping, help him etc etc..' What if the DD was five? And daddy 'couldn't cope' with his sickly child and didn't hold her hand to the hospital? Because a very close friend of mine had this happen to her all through her sickly childhood. How do you think she felt? Her mum spent so much time pandering to her father's inability to cope she wasn't properly there for her daughter.

I really hope things work out for you and your partner OP, but just remember to take care of yourself along the way, okay? xx

Offred · 27/07/2012 07:43

Yes you can't let it go back to the same now he's back for all your sakes.

Original poster
angel05 · 27/07/2012 09:49

i had a very bad night with baby. im exhausted and felt like i couldnt even.wake my mum for help. my mum is so upset now with it all that she nearly collapsed this.morning. shes been crying and i never ever see her cry. my partner has said that he doesnt want baby to think my mum is her mum. i said all i want is support for some nights when i need it. i understand but its not fair. i.need to gain strength to.look after our dd. he saying he isnt getting support from me and i jusy said i am trying but i need support more than anyone. its all a big mess and now it has had a bad affect on my mum and thats not fair. she has done everything for us. now thats another thing in my head.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/07/2012 09:55

Going to work does not let him off night feeds or childcare when he is at home. You and he both need to get that out of your heads! Your mum will be ok, she sounds wonderful. He needs to suck it up, you physically and emotionally cannot support him right now and I think it would be interesting to hear what exactly he means by "support". It is his job to get help for himself if he is not coping so that he can provide the love and support for his wife and child.

dreamingbohemian · 27/07/2012 10:02

Sweetie, it sounds like he's actually making things worse by being there. If he weren't there, your mum could help you as much as you needed and you could rest and recover, without being drained by his immature behaviour and neediness.

It's ridiculous to think the baby will not know you are her mum.

HE should be the one supporting you, and if he can't be there he should be grateful to your mum for helping, not telling his poorly partner to do everything herself when she can't.

You MUST take care of yourself. If he continues like this, he should probably leave. It doesn't have to be forever, just at least until you are physically better.

Offred · 27/07/2012 10:07

It is more likely (by his spurious logic btw) that the baby will not know that he is her father I think.