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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'fiance' has completely changed since baby came . breaking my heart!

165 replies

angel05 · 25/07/2012 06:23

me and my partner have been together since i was 16, him 18 which was 7 years ago. we have a unique relationship i think, personal jokes, sayings, even voices. ofcourse silly arguements but hardly ever. he lives with me at my mums while we work towards a deposit 4 a mortgage. had two previous miscarriages and tm3rd time lucky have a baby girl who is 4weeks. traumatic birth. lost 3litres of blood, couldnt even.hold my baby for the 1st 2 days of her life. still trying to recover and have had so much support from.my mum. my fiance has.decided he hates my mum after all these years. everyday shouts at me and tells me to.tell her to stop interfering (helping at night as he wont cz he has work, washing bottles as shes washing up anyway, asking if baby is ok as she hasnt been to well....not interfering) lastnight baby was rushed 2hospital due to her breathing (she is fine) but i was shaking just being back there. he said he disnt want 2come.with me but felt like he had to!!! she kept stopping breathing and he didnt.want to be there! on way home early hours he.made me hysterical calling me names, hes going to move back to his mums today and ill "never have to deal with him again". ive tried talking to him for weeks now but he just turns it into an arguement. i love him so much and have never seen.this side of him. feel so lost and confused!!!!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/07/2012 10:54

If her mum is the only one able to give her the support she needs,then yes she would need to stay.But we dont know angels and DPs family and friends support network.
angel is coming across as a very sensible and caring person and mother,and I am sure she is not going to put herself, or move to a new situation where she doesnt get the support she needs right now.
She will do the right thing for herself and the baby.

Offred · 27/07/2012 11:03

I'm not trying to suggest she isn't sensible!

I disagree with you that the family unit right now is her and her dp and the baby. He is not in the family unit by his own choice (whatever the reasons they don't matter right now and can be dealt with later after the health issues) because he refuses to are for his wife and child whether or not he "allows" her mother to help.

Moving in with his mum is maybe something you might think about out of fairness when things were stressful for him and you were in full physical and emotional fitness. I don't think you should do it when he is withdrawing and abusive which would be much too big a risk. Moving away from your support with the family of someone who is behaving abusively is just the craziest thing I've ever heard!

Offred · 27/07/2012 11:06

It isn't about able right now but who is actually doing it because actually what is occurring right now is still a crisis which needs to be solved first and moving with someone else is a risk, a massive one as well as a disruption. Especially when it is not known whether the dp is capable but opting out or reacting to being upset and will eventually calm down.

amillionyears · 27/07/2012 11:31

If she chose to do it,she could come back almost immediately if it didnt work out,assuming her mum was up to coping,and was ok about her coming back,with or without the dp.

Offred · 27/07/2012 11:46

But I don't get how that would benefit anyone? All that upheaval would only slow her physical recovery and actually if (and it is an if) he is abusive then it wouldn't be as easy as "just come back".

Original poster
angel05 · 27/07/2012 14:29

theres just no talking to him at all. i have explained exactly how i feel with being unwell, the pain and being weak. i have also told him im going to talk to the doctor about support because all the stress is making me very depressed and still he insists my mum does not help me at night if i need it. fighting a loosing battle i think

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/07/2012 14:35

So is he going to help you at night instead?
Does he not like her coming in to your bedroom?

Doha · 27/07/2012 14:35

You need help and support during the night. If he won't do it or do it without whinging and complaining tell him to fuck off back to his mums and not come back until he can see reason.

You don't need this awkward man child in your life just now OP. I feel so sporry for your DM who has given him a roof over his head and is trying to help with his DC to have everything thrown back in his gace by him. He is a twunt of the highest order.

High five to angel05's for giving her DD the support and help that is lacking in olther quarters

Doha · 27/07/2012 14:36

oops angelo5's DM

Offred · 27/07/2012 14:40

Just now but maybe not forever. It doesn't sound healthy to try to recover in the circs you are living in. If he has nothing helpful to add I think you could ask him to leave at the moment maybe telling him you love him but that you need someone to help with the baby and that if he will not you need your mum to and if he cant allow that he needs allow you to make that decision, not about the baby, but about your own physical and emotional health. Yes, he'll probably see this as you "choosing" your mum over him but I think if he, at any point, becomes reasonable and rational he'll be able to understand it is nothing to do with your love for him but with how he is behaving and that having him staying in the house with you while he is behaving like this is actually making you ill.

Offred · 27/07/2012 14:45

And also the better the support you get to recover the quicker you will be able to reassess the relationship and if necessary start providing him with support if you come to feel that is in fact the problem.

dreamingbohemian · 27/07/2012 15:09

It is actually abusive for him to not let your mum help you, especially if he is not helping himself, given how unwell you are.

Next time he 'insists' on anything, well I agree with Doha, tell him to fuck off to his mum's.

LookBehindYou · 27/07/2012 16:52

I'm not sure if I read right but it seems he's working 8am to 12am - 16hr shift. He's working hard at least.

Subarashii · 27/07/2012 18:02

I cannot BELIEVE anyone here is defending a man who is actively preventing poor OP from getting the help she needs.

Saying her mum isn't allowed to do the night feeds and then refusing to do them himself so she ends up having to do them is AWFUL. It's fucking AWFUL

Offred · 27/07/2012 18:41

Angel why do you think he won't help and doesn't want your mum to help?

Original poster
angel05 · 27/07/2012 19:34

hes actually out playing pool with his mate and starting work again at 10-11.
ive been put on a low dose antidepressant and they suggested councillng. he just said that it was obvious that would happen xxx

OP posts:
glastocat · 27/07/2012 19:49

Oh my, I am so sad for you. Your bloke is being an arsehole. You need help and support. If he can't give it, he shouldn't be stopping your mum helping.

Midwife99 · 27/07/2012 20:00

Oh you poor girl! Yet another bloody
man-child acting like a twunt when he isn't the top priority for a while! Thank God for your mum. I'm sorry to say this but he will never change. He will drive your friends & family away until you have no outside support & then neglect you even more. He was happy enough to use your mum for her hospitality up until now wasn't he? Don't feel bad for being on anti-Ds, you need them right now. Don't tell him anything anymore. Where is he now? off the top of a cliff permanently at his mate's I hope!!

Original poster
angel05 · 27/07/2012 20:12

hes playin pool still. and im here looking after our dd who has had hardly any sleep in 2days and keeps getting upset. findin it so hard x

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/07/2012 20:41

hes not dealing with things.so sorry.
Are you saying that your dd is not sleeping much?
She wouldnt really be upset because her dad is not there,she is a lot too young to know that.Please do not fret over that.I dont think she would really know until about 6 months.And he could visit .So she would be all right in that respect.

Offred · 27/07/2012 20:41

Do you think he thinks it is "your job" to look after the baby and his to go to work? Is that why he won't help and won't let your mum help because he doesn't get any help with work? I just wonder if that is the explanation for everything such as banning your mum from helping and saying it is because the baby won't know she is your baby and being angry about you not supporting him... It could be one explanation anyway.

Offred · 27/07/2012 20:43

She's probably feeling upset because you are hon, you'll both be fine in the end. It is a tough time try not to worry. Is your mum able to help while he isn't there?

Midwife99 · 27/07/2012 20:55

Has he moved out??

Original poster
angel05 · 27/07/2012 21:17

he hasnt moved out. x
yeah my mum has been helping me all day. and hes being so stubborn tgat when.he comes back from work he said he will stay up all night with baby even.though he has been out since 7am and has chose to do more over time tomorrow at 9am.
he says he would rather spend all day at home with her as its so much easier than being at work. i look after her 24hrs a day and she has colic so its not easy at all. hes being selfish. whenever i say how i feel he brings it back to him.... poor him

OP posts:
1Catherine1 · 27/07/2012 21:23

At first I thought he might be a little depressed but the more you reveal the more I really think you are better off without him.

A long time ago I read the best advice ever on mumsnet. A poster said "Think of how this man makes your life better, if he doesn't get rid of him". That has really stuck with me and has really made me think. It obviously doesn't mean does he buy you lots of things and keep you financially secure, but does he make you feel happy, safe, secure and loved?

Stop walking on egg shells with him. The ultimatum is simple, either mum does it or he does it without complaints. One night feed a night or every other night isn't a lot to ask for even if he is working, plenty of our husbands have done it (my husband only managed every other night as he is a heavy sleeper although he did agree to sleep on the sofa for about 3 weeks so baby and I could co-sleep.)

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