'fiance' has completely changed since baby came . breaking my heart!

[angel05]

me and my partner have been together since i was 16, him 18 which was 7 years ago. we have a unique relationship i think, personal jokes, sayings, even voices. ofcourse silly arguements but hardly ever. he lives with me at my mums while we work towards a deposit 4 a mortgage. had two previous miscarriages and tm3rd time lucky have a baby girl who is 4weeks. traumatic birth. lost 3litres of blood, couldnt even.hold my baby for the 1st 2 days of her life. still trying to recover and have had so much support from.my mum. my fiance has.decided he hates my mum after all these years. everyday shouts at me and tells me to.tell her to stop interfering (helping at night as he wont cz he has work, washing bottles as shes washing up anyway, asking if baby is ok as she hasnt been to well....not interfering) lastnight baby was rushed 2hospital due to her breathing (she is fine) but i was shaking just being back there. he said he disnt want 2come.with me but felt like he had to!!! she kept stopping breathing and he didnt.want to be there! on way home early hours he.made me hysterical calling me names, hes going to move back to his mums today and ill "never have to deal with him again". ive tried talking to him for weeks now but he just turns it into an arguement. i love him so much and have never seen.this side of him. feel so lost and confused!!!!

The OP is going to use up time and energy because she loves him. So whipping her up into a frenzy of resentment isn't particularly helpful. He behaved stupidly but they're both young and have had a huge experience. I can empathise with how he finds living with her mum stressful. Maybe he is behaving immaturely, but that doesn't mean he is a write off.

He's being a selfish immature tit. You will be fine, let him run back to his mummy. One day he will realise what he has lost, by that time you will have moved on to better things, like being a mummy rather than running away to one.

Normally I would be a let him go and his loss but I want to tell you about a family friend who was married - they were older than you and in more stable circumstances. They wanted a child but towards the end of pregnancy her DH started being distant. He only went to visit her once in hospital after the birth. He told her he didn't want a child. She fought hard to keep them together but for 6 months he didn't pick up that child. Eventually they found their way together as a family to a better place. 20 years on the marriage survives and they still enjoy each other's company.

Reading your OP my first thought was that he is traumatised by what has happened to you and is blaming the baby, horrible though that is for you.

Let him go, you sound like you have a wonderful caring mum to support you. Whether you can get back from this is between you, but I think it would be really hard for you to forgive him.

Congratulations on your little girl, really do try to enjoy this period as it goes so fast! (she says, glancing over to her baby whos now 18, gulp)

thought it was flowers doh.

Another thought has occured to me,that this might,to him,actually be more about him and your mum than anything else.That he cannot cope with living with your mum any more.Not saying who is right or wrong,between your mum and him,but you may find that he can cope with you and the baby and everything else better,now he has moved out.I hope I am right.

" Men can't cope with seeing the women they love in pain or in distress"

What a load of utter crap - immature selfish fuckwits with zero empathy are the ones that "can't cope".

You've just insulted all the decent men out there who do cope, very well and with situation far harder than OP's.

Malificence, please remember that the OP is hurting and very sad. Her hormones will be all over the place. Hurling gratuitious insults at her fiance won't help.

As for the 'utter crap' charming comment. It is possible to be kind towards men. There are good ones out there who find things difficult and are less than perfect. Perhaps you need to look for some empathy. Not everyone views the world from your angle.

Pah that is not "being kind to men" it is being enormously patronising and excusing terrible behaviour as something the poor little fragile menz suffer with.

I think it would be best placed to have more empathy and kindness towards the mother of a 4 week old baby, and not towards the father who has just packed his bags and left without even saying goodbye.

I think it would be heartbreaking for the OP to do as some people have said and tiptoe around him, talk to him and devote endless hours to making sure he feels OK. She is best off spending time looking after her baby and herself.

Yes it has probably been very stressful for the bloke what with living with his MIL, plus the trauma of everything that has happened to his girlfriend. But - he is not wet behind the ears, he is a 25 year old man, and he should have dealt with it a lot better. Walking out like he has done has shown his true colours.

I do have empathy for her. That's why I'm not slagging off her partner. They've had a baby together and he's struggling. He isn't the first and won't be the last. This is not a deal breaker.

A good man who finds things difficult doesn't act like OP's , he doesn't strop like a spoilt toddler or not want to take his unwell baby to hospital and he doesn't reduce his partner to tears by shouting abuse at her.
It's horrific behaviour by anyone's standard and she needs him like a hole in the head, at best he's extremely weak and incapable of proper support, at worst he's selfish and abusive.

Yes. I don't think you actually need to think about what is going to happen with him in the future. What you need to do now is be grateful that one source of stress has been removed from your life and focus on your baby then see what happens with him. I don't agree that what is kind to op is to minimise his shitty behaviour, reason or not. PTSD is not the same as having had a horrible experience, he has and he is not coping, there is no problem with that so far, what the problem is is HOW he is not coping and the reasons behind why he is behaving in that way to me don't really matter because what is necessary in a lasting happy relationship is being able to rely on your partner to support you through a tough time, if they can't they may not be a terrible person but it isn't likely the relationship will be happy. On the otherside they may be a self-interested bastard.

They've both acted like kids. Having a baby while living at mums isn't the most sensible thing to do. So they both need to grow up together. I remember having a meltdown when my dh asked me if I'd remembered to get milk a few weeks after giving birth. If I'd told the story then I'd have said he was the most unreasonable demanding pig in the world.

Not a deal breaker?
Jesus I've heard everything now, I despair that there are women who think this is forgivable.

He's packed his bags and walked out, that would be a pretty huge deal breaker for me.

Anyway I hope the OP is OK. I am hoping that being with her friends and her mum is helping. She must feel wretched, poor thing.

OP it must feel like the end of the world - I can assure you that it is not. You have got your whole life ahead of you with your new baby. Just take each day at a time.

A great many men simply can't get their heads round the idea that they actually have to put their partners ahead of themselves for a while. Of course a happy, healthy relationship involves turn-taking and sharing and supporting each other and being sad sometimes, etc etc. But (and this is a cultural, longstanding thing) a lot of men really do feel, deep down, that they are the most important person in their family, that their female partners exist to look after them. THis is why a lot of couple-relationships go badly wrong when the first baby arrives; the woman hasn't really noticed how much she has been indulging and pampering the man just for the sake of a quiet contented life. Even the man may not really have noticed that he is the one who gets the best of everything and his own way all the time, simply because that;s how he expects things to be.
But suddenly, there's a baby and the woman is naturally prioritizing the baby's needs. Plenty of men, of course, do fine with this; they might get crabby from tiredness (as do mothers of newborns) but they accept that actually, right now, the main priority is the baby. Childish selfish men don't accept that they're not the most important thing in the world, so they start behaving horribly in an attempt to force their wives to put them first: abuse, sulking, having affairs, disappearing...

DON@T FALL FOR IT OP. Let him go.

Agree totally with SGB.
Let this guy go, angel. You thought he was was a good one but he had never really been tested, had he? A guy who can only cope in the good times is not worth having.
FWIW my baby daughter died last October. We have four other children. My Mum had been living with us since dd was born and for a few weeks after she died. My dh gratefully accepted her help and has been a rock to me since we lost our girl. And my dh is not perfect, who is? but he's been there for me during the tough times.

Plenty of people live with their parents to save for a house, you are just judging them by their age look.

I also think one hormonal meltdown is totally different to a sustained period of nasty unsupportive and blaming behaviour when you have no hormones and are the one being depended on to hold things together for the hormonal and really quite ill mother and baby. I bet you didn't wake up the morning after your argument and coldly pack and leave without a word either so it is an irrelevant example to give.

It may or may not be a deal breaker depending on what is going on. It is very significant but equally not a decision which needs to be made right now, there is plenty of time and the op is not well. It would be a dealbreaker for me in all but the most exceptional circs btw.

Oh dear angel, what a horrible situation .

Ran this one past DH, just to get a (much older) bloke's perspective He says it sounds as if your DH has had to confront some huge scary big issues to do with illness, death and mortality for the first time in his life, and has simply run away rather than face up to acting like a grown up. Like all young people (and you are very young new parents) he probably feels he's invincible and immortal, and the real prospect of losing the two people he loves most in the world has blown a gasket, so he's run back home to mum where he feels safe. Not that it excuses ANYTHING. He needs to man up and face up to his responsibilities. He will probably be back very soon with his tail between his legs, either under his own steam or propelled by his mum via a huge kick up the backside.

And him deciding he hates your mum iand blaming her for everything is a pile of pants - he's just cross with her because he doesn't know what to do with the baby, and she does. He'll get over it.

I'm agreeing with everyone who says give him a break.

Sure, he's acted like an arsehole. But I distinctly remember acting irrationally as anything just after having a baby. It isn't all hormones, either. It's also not sleeping, having a screaming fragile baby relying on you every second of the day, and just generally feeling like your life is ruined and will never get better.

I'm pretty sure if I'd been younger and my mother in law had been added to the mix, I'd have been chomping at the bit to escape and put my head in a hole and go la la la la.

And sorry, who on earth thinks it isn't traumatic to have the woman you love nearly die in front of you?? What??

Give him a damn break

Jade - but he hast actually been up with the baby and he didn't come to the hospital when the baby was not breathing! NO-ONE has said it was not traumatic, just that you don't get the very serious mental illness PTSD from situations that have been described as happening to the OP's bf.

Yes it will have been traumatic, reacting to that trauma by withdrawing and blaming the person it is happening to is a significant problem no matter what the reasons behind it.

You don't have to have had a diagnosis of PTSD to be struggling to cope.

No, but where has anyone said "oh he's coping fine"?! No-one has, EVERYONE bar none has said he is clearly not coping! Read the thread! What people disagree on is whether the non-coping behaviour is significant/relationship ending. That's all.

You're arguing with people about whether or not he had PTSD. Only one person suggested that and hasn't been back since so your fixation on that suggests more about you. I am saying that reacting in a less than stellar way to a traumatic event is not a deal breaker.

In any case, nothing from Angel so I guess she's feeling better. Hope so.