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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'fiance' has completely changed since baby came . breaking my heart!

165 replies

angel05 · 25/07/2012 06:23

me and my partner have been together since i was 16, him 18 which was 7 years ago. we have a unique relationship i think, personal jokes, sayings, even voices. ofcourse silly arguements but hardly ever. he lives with me at my mums while we work towards a deposit 4 a mortgage. had two previous miscarriages and tm3rd time lucky have a baby girl who is 4weeks. traumatic birth. lost 3litres of blood, couldnt even.hold my baby for the 1st 2 days of her life. still trying to recover and have had so much support from.my mum. my fiance has.decided he hates my mum after all these years. everyday shouts at me and tells me to.tell her to stop interfering (helping at night as he wont cz he has work, washing bottles as shes washing up anyway, asking if baby is ok as she hasnt been to well....not interfering) lastnight baby was rushed 2hospital due to her breathing (she is fine) but i was shaking just being back there. he said he disnt want 2come.with me but felt like he had to!!! she kept stopping breathing and he didnt.want to be there! on way home early hours he.made me hysterical calling me names, hes going to move back to his mums today and ill "never have to deal with him again". ive tried talking to him for weeks now but he just turns it into an arguement. i love him so much and have never seen.this side of him. feel so lost and confused!!!!

OP posts:
Offred · 26/07/2012 08:33

Saying it isn't ok to react in the way he has to trauma and not being able to cope is not in any way the same as saying he is coping fine and has had nothing to worry about. Lots of people have huge amounts of trauma, many people experience an awful lot of terrible things (shock horror even when they are young) and many people deal with mental illnesses etc or struggle to cope with their experiences but many of them also know it is not ok to take it out on their partner and children because that is when it starts crossing the line into abuse. It is very naive to think that people who abuse others do it because they are "just evil" often they do it because it is how they have learned to react to trauma. So yes, compassion for him but no to minimising the effects of how he has chosen to behave towards his partner and child is what I say.

Offred · 26/07/2012 08:39

I'm pissed off about the PTSD comment because I have come to believe it is what I've been experiencing and it showed an extraordinary lack of knowledge about what PTSD is when there is already a stigma about "making a fuss" applied to it. I wasn't bringing it up, I was being accused repeatedly of saying that it wasn't that he wasn't coping and I was pointing out I didn't say that but just that he didn't have PTSD.

Anyway, I haven't said the op should think it was a dealbreaker either. I have said repeatedly she doesnt need to decide anything right now. I'm not sure why you are so adamant that she shouldn't find it a dealbreaker?

FateLovesTheFearless · 26/07/2012 08:47

Another one for cutting the guy some slack. No it's not okay to react the way he has done but the guy sounds totally overwhelmed!

I lived with my mother in law for a year with my first baby and it was horrendous. I was also early twenties and I felt undermined by her. I ended up telling my stbxh that I was moving out and he could either come with me or stay but I couldn't personally live with her anymore. looking back nine years on, she wasn't that bad but I was newly married, with a new baby and quite frankly I felt as though she was stepping on my toes.

I am not saying your man is the same but if there is ever a time a couple need to be strong and fight for their relationship, it's with a new baby.

I agree with letting him go, let him have his space. I wouldn't necessarily be writing him off as abusive etc quite just yet.

LookBehindYou · 26/07/2012 08:48

To counteract the knee jerk people who are saying she should walk away and that he is an abusive person. Maybe he is, but we can't possibly know that from what Angel posted.
I'm sorry you've had a bad experience. I don't think people belittle PTSD. I certainly don't.

Offred · 26/07/2012 08:50

Yes, I suppose that's what I'm trying to say, he has behaved in an abusive way during a difficult time, that is significant but also not conclusive that he is "an abusive person" what happens from now on will likely establish that.

Offred · 26/07/2012 08:51

FFS look I am not and never have said "he Is abusive leave the bastard".

Offred · 26/07/2012 08:52

That comment about PTSD did belittle it, you don't get PTSD when your partner had miscarriages and a traumatic birth, if you do it is not a reason to behave like a twat.

differentnameforthis · 26/07/2012 08:53

It sounds to me like he isn't coping & I feel that it is better he leaves for a while to sort himself out than hurt the op &/or the baby (something we all know could happen when someone is under pressure).

Most of you here have labelled him already, which I think is to be expected by mumsnet, but is rather unfair. I cannot believe that some of you think he doesn't deserve support & help to find a way through this.

My dh took 6 months to bond with our daughter & while it caused massive issues, we worked through it. He adores her now & the feeling is mutual.

differentnameforthis · 26/07/2012 08:55

Oh & we spent 6 weeks living with my MIL (dd was 3) and while they are the loveliest people in the world, it was freaking hard not having our space & listening to 'suggestions' as to how to raise our daughter.

differentnameforthis · 26/07/2012 09:04

I think that people tend to think that men don't get affected by miscarriages, they believe men don't need support during that time, but he lost 2 babies too. He also saw his girlfriend go through a traumatic birth, watched his baby stop breathing.

All this in 4 & you lot are calling him a twat & abusive!!! Not many of you are prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, is it really any wonder people view mumsnet as man hating?

OP, it could be possible that he resents your mum in some way, perhaps he is resenting how well she appears to be coping, knowing you went through all this & he is feeling inferior, like he can't help you. And your mum doing so much for you is just pushing him out. Perhaps he feels the same that he couldn't save your babies. Perhaps he felt scared when your baby stopped breathing? Perhaps he just doesn't know what to do.

Perhaps after all that he just doesn't know what his role is anymore, especially if your is stepping up so much. Perhaps, without the two of you (you & mum) even realising it he is getting pushed out?

differentnameforthis · 26/07/2012 09:04

especially if your mum is stepping up so much

LookBehindYou · 26/07/2012 09:05

Offred. If you have PTSD, you have it. And you will cause huge offence judging peoples 'trauma' and finding it wanting. Isn't that's what has been done to you?

LookBehindYou · 26/07/2012 09:07

Not just that differentname, the OP had an abusive dad so all kinds of things are at play here.

GetOrfBernard · 26/07/2012 09:10

To counteract the knee jerk people who are saying she should walk away

Well, she can't really walk away, HE has already walked away from HER. he has taken that choice out of her hands. All she can do now is cope with the decision he has made on her behalf.

I think you are right different when you say that the MIL element is going to be difficult, but to just pack his bags and leave without a backward glance - that is not the behaviour of an adult. He is not that young - he is 25. He has been an adult for 7 years. He is not some wet behind the ears teenager. He has left his girlfriend and 4 week old because he can't 'cope'. The OP has no choice to wallow in self pity and snivel about life - she has to 'cope', she has been left holding the baby.

Lucyellensmum99 · 26/07/2012 09:33

His daughter kept stopping breathing, he didn't want to go to hospital????? Really? let him go

differentnameforthis · 26/07/2012 09:33

Fair point about not being able to cope, getorf...but why he can't cope isn't being looked at, is it? Just the usual man bashing!

I understand the issue over him not giving a backward glance. But did the op tell him to leave? Ask him to leave? Give him an ultimatum? None of that is covered here.

He isn't coping & we all would tell a mum to walk away & leave baby safe if she isn't coping, wouldn't we? Best he do that, than he stay & grow ever more resentful & hurt op & baby?

I believe it is what he does now that will show what kind of person he is. I can't demonish anyone for walking away from a situation when they can't cope with, what I can demonish them for is calling it a day there & then. And if he does that, I will take back any of what I just said. But it still leaves the fact that he is under some kind of strain.

chipmonkey · 26/07/2012 10:20

His daughter stopped breathing and he didn't want to go to hospital, different
On what level can that ever be excusable?

GetOrfMoiIand · 26/07/2012 10:27

You are very kind and thoughtful, different, but unfortunately there are legions of fathers who, when faced with a bit of responsibility when a newborn arrives, act like complete arseholes. I don't think it is man bashing to say that, I think there are a fair number of women on mumsnet (me included) whose partners buggered off when their babies were tiny because they 'couldn't cope'.

The mother, left behind high and dry and probably skint to boot, and devastated, always manages to cope.

LookBehindYou · 26/07/2012 10:28

GetORf, do you not think that your own experience may have affected your opinion of this guy?

Anniegetyourgun · 26/07/2012 10:57

Our own experiences, or if we're luckier, observations, inevitably affect our opinions. It would be strange if they didn't; in fact we'd never learn anything otherwise.

Well, let's hope (as the vast majority have said) that the DP here learns from his experiences how to pick himself up and start behaving like a good partner and father. Right now he isn't one - for whatever reason. How he has behaved is a deal breaker - the deal was mutual support and affection, right? - and he broke it. If there is a future for these two as a couple the deal has to be renegotiated. That does not mean "leave the bastard". It means "don't be too desperate to have him back just yet". He has to learn to handle this. It is not the OP's job to "fix" him. She has a small baby and is still recovering from a difficult birth. It is his job to fix himself, with whatever help he can rustle up (and whoever said his mum needs to apply a massive kick to his backside was on the right lines IMO).

ps OP, don't worry too much about your baby missing her daddy. She's only four weeks old. At this stage there are three kinds of people in the world: people she recognises, people she doesn't recognise, and Mum. When she's older she'll know the difference and miss people who go out of her life, but right now it won't bother her. It's her absent dad who's missing out at this rate. Poor choice.

GetOrfMoiIand · 26/07/2012 11:01

Oh yes, absolutely.

But my dd's father wasn't the first to act like an arse when his baby was born, and nor would he be the last. I think it is pragmatic to assume a father who can't be bothered to go to the hospital when his baby isn't breathing, and then just packs his bags and walks out is realistically unlikely to have a moment of clarity and actually start acting responsibly.

Annie that is a great post.

buttonmoon78 · 26/07/2012 11:09

angel I'm so sorry you're going through this. This time should be all about your new family and its really rough that its not Sad

Leave him to go. If he works out what he wants ie that he wants you and your dd, then make him work for it. He's let you down in a terrible way and needs to show you that you can trust him again - which won't be easy.

To whoever said that you can't get PTSD from watching your partner give birth... says who? My SiL had a terrible birth - forceps etc followed by a very large transfusion. She was traumatised, but passed out for most of it. Her husband was utterly traumatised. When we were there 24 hours later he was sobbing as he hadn't been able to help, it was all so medieval, the works. He was still getting flashbacks months later and was terrified of the same thing happening again with #2. (It didn't - he delivered him at home as he wasn't hanging about!) My point is that you can't decide who can get PTSD from what. THAT is diminshing it, not anything that anybody else has said.

differentnameforthis · 26/07/2012 13:11

I get that chip, but no one is looking at why that is, are they?

Original poster
angel05 · 26/07/2012 15:35

sorry for late reply everyone. thank u for all your comments. i let him go back to his mums and we didnt talk all day. he was hinting last night that he wanted.to come home and i think he expected me to beg him too. he knows he can come home when.he wants. he has decided to come back tonight after work as im not well and in pain. so im hoping things will be ok. i dont feel strong enough to argue anymore x

OP posts:
Original poster
angel05 · 26/07/2012 15:36

sorry for late reply everyone. thank u for all your comments. i let him go back to his mums and we didnt talk all day. he was hinting last night that he wanted.to come home and i think he expected me to beg him too. he knows he can come home when.he wants. he has decided to come back tonight after work as im not well and in pain. so im hoping things will be ok. i dont feel strong enough to argue anymore x

OP posts: