'fiance' has completely changed since baby came . breaking my heart!

[angel05]

me and my partner have been together since i was 16, him 18 which was 7 years ago. we have a unique relationship i think, personal jokes, sayings, even voices. ofcourse silly arguements but hardly ever. he lives with me at my mums while we work towards a deposit 4 a mortgage. had two previous miscarriages and tm3rd time lucky have a baby girl who is 4weeks. traumatic birth. lost 3litres of blood, couldnt even.hold my baby for the 1st 2 days of her life. still trying to recover and have had so much support from.my mum. my fiance has.decided he hates my mum after all these years. everyday shouts at me and tells me to.tell her to stop interfering (helping at night as he wont cz he has work, washing bottles as shes washing up anyway, asking if baby is ok as she hasnt been to well....not interfering) lastnight baby was rushed 2hospital due to her breathing (she is fine) but i was shaking just being back there. he said he disnt want 2come.with me but felt like he had to!!! she kept stopping breathing and he didnt.want to be there! on way home early hours he.made me hysterical calling me names, hes going to move back to his mums today and ill "never have to deal with him again". ive tried talking to him for weeks now but he just turns it into an arguement. i love him so much and have never seen.this side of him. feel so lost and confused!!!!

i now feel like i need to get help dor being so depressed and all this has made me like it. im still traumatised from.what happened during the birth. i stupidly thought he would look after me after seeing me like that but it makes me think he doesnt care at all to not even be concerned about me getting better. im in absolute shock that it is like this. i thought we would all be happy. there is so many bad things happening in the world. this is just petty now and its driving me mad. i feel like i cant even think for myself anymore. my mind feels numb

I don't think you can really make any decisions right now because you are both still in the middle of the trauma really. How he is behaving is unacceptable, abusive and harmful and if he can't support you or let your mum do it I think he needs to go away somewhere to sort himself out and not come back till he has.

You need rest and comfort and love.

Your mum can give you these things. Your partner can't, and even worse he is keeping your mum from giving them to you.

I really think you should ask him to leave, if he can't get a grip.

Bless you - you poor thing. You sound like a lovely person who is frantically trying to make everything OK for everyone else, when you are the person who needs support.

Everything is very raw, you are a brand new mother and even with brilliant support and a perfectly normal birth you would probably feel like you had been hit by a train. Add all your woes in and it is not surprising that you feel rotten. Plus - you are very sleep deprived. That messes with your head in itself.

You are pulling yourself to pieces trying to make sure your fiance feels happy - you can't do that. I know it is difficult but you have to be selfish and look after yourself and the baby, and if that needs having your mum's help, then so be it. If he doesn't want to help at night why is he so bothered that your mum is willing to help? Of course the baby won't grow up confused at who mum is! She will know who her mum, dad and much-loved gran is!

It all sounds terribly difficult for you. Is your mum able to look after your daughter whilst you get some sleep at least? I know you are fretting but if you could get some rest you will feel stronger.

Do you have a health visitor,or drop in baby clinic [dont know how those things works now,it is a few years since I had my babies].At this point your health comes first.
It is a shame that,at this point,your DP needs to see that you are unwell,and if he cant have the time off work to look after you,then somebody needs to.
What would he say to someone else other than your mother coming to help.Though practically,that could prove awkward,unless you and DP and your baby could go to say a different relative.It would also give your mum a rest.None of it would necessarily have to be long term.

Sorry angel05 but your partner is a complete waste of space. He wants to moan and complain about your mum's influence but he doesn't want to step up himself and be a proper father. You are tiptoeing around him on eggshells trying not to upset him and causing yourself unnecessary pain and anguish in the process.

I don't think he believes for a second that he has done anything wrong and I don't see this getting any better until he grows up and takes some responsibility. For him, it is all about himself. He thinks he is the hard done by victim here whose cosy life has been made more difficult by the inconvenience of a baby. You need to look after yourself and put your baby first and if that means he runs off to his mummy, like the big pussy that he is, then so be it.

I find the idea that you were lying there at night too scared to wake your mum in case you upset your partner, absolutely sickening. If one of your girl friend's partners was treating her like this, you would call him a prick. And you would be right.

thats the worst thing he really doesnt believe he has done anything wrong. i was on.anti depressants before i got pregnant as i found it hard to cope with the miscarriages but now im scared if i talk to the doctor as i actually have an.appointment anyway that they will think im a bad mum or something

They won't think you are a bad mum. When they worry about people is when they don't seek help when they need it. It would be entirely normal for the GP to eat this stuff from you, they won't be shocked or surprised or think you are crap, they will be supportive and think you are doing well and being responsible.

*hear!

I am pretty sure they will not think you are a bad mum,far from it.If they did,that would be a disgrace.
What would happen if you and baby and DP went to stay at his mums?Is that an option at all?

He is doing wrong btw. It is the wrong way to handle this situation. If he doesn't realise that he needs to go. Please don't see it as a final decision that you have to make, everything is in flux just now and the situation is counter productive for everyone including him if he is feeling his needs are not being met.

I'm not sure how that would help amillion?!

They won't think you're a bad mum, honestly.

Just tell them everything and let them help you.

Do you think your DP is thinking straight?Before any of this all happened,did he think that people who were ill,should just get on and get better?

They won't think you are a bad mum - not at all. They will want to help you.

Do you get on with your health visitor, or would it be better to speak to your doctor (if you have a relationship as well).

Apart from that, though, you would probably feel 100 times better if your fiance stopped arsing about and supported you, and worked as a support team with your mum. I understand that you might be feeling rough because of your hormones and what you have been through - but I think a lot of your stress and anxiety is caused by you fretting and keeping everyone happy (or trying to).

With all due respect it seems as though you are saying she should take on responsibility for his feelings at a time when she's struggling to cope with her own (not a judgement btw op) and that she should move away from the only person who has been demonstrated to be of practical and emotional support and move house with her baby?!

offred,it would take her mum out of the situation.
At the moment he seems to be blaming her mum for everything.If her mum was not so much around,he couldnt blame her mum,and then angel could see if he was up to coping and coming across as more reasonable,or whether he is just using her mum as an excuse for everything.

And I'm sure he can't be thinking straight right now but I think it is unlikely the op is either the right person or someone with the energy or time to help him. His behaviour had been completely unacceptable no matter the reasons and the only thing that matters is the op and the baby recovering atm. Then there will be plenty of time for dealing with the relationship when she is better.

I can see where you are coming from Offred.Only angel can really answer this one,as us posters cannot see the whole picture of her and his family set ups.
For all I know,his mum may not be up to the job for all sorts of reasons.Only angel is able to see the whole picture.

But how well do you think she is able to do that right now?! Seriously all you'd do is take her away from her only support!!!

thank you. i will speak to them this afternoon wen i see them. i want to happy not just for me but for the sake of my daughter xzx

To my mind,angel, her DP, and the baby are the family unit.
Her DP may come through for her,he may not.

You're not a bad mum you've had a very difficult start and he is acting completely selfishly and like a bad father from what you've said here.

I've no advice but hope it works out for u and dd

Her DP is not coming through for her right now

She needs support, her mum is the only one giving it. It would be madness to leave her.