Hi, firstly perhaps I should say that I may be in the minority here being a man who's wife had an emotional affair, and looking for any helpful advice anyone can give.
To cut what seems like a long story short, my wife and I have been together 20 years, married for 12, and have two lovely children. Two to three years ago she went back out to work having previously stayed at home raising the kids etc., which was a real boost to her self-esteem.
At around the same time, she began to get heavily into keep fit, almost to an obsessive level, which caused significant friction between us. While I was happy to support her, I felt at the time that she was prioritising anything and everything above our relationship. If I am honest, I didn't emotionally support her well enough - hindsight is a great teacher, isn't it!
Now to the main point. About a year and a half ago, she almost completely closed off from me, both emotionally and physically. No time spent together, little eye-contact, no intimacy or confiding in me in any way. It was like a wall went up. At the same time, she became closer and closer to a male neighbour - single guy, ten years younger, living on his own.
As time went on, my gut was telling me that something wasn't right with this relationship, but every time I brought it up, it was countered by denials, often also anger that I should even question a 'friendship' in such a way. To be honest, it made me feel like I was going craze, and unable to trust my own instincts - I knew what I was seeing, but wanted to trust her when she said that there was nothing to worry about. However, they were spending so much time together it didn't 'feel' right. Sure enough, while my wife was away 2 weeks ago, I decided to snoop on her computer, and found two text messages (sync'd to her computer), one from him and one from her, expressing feelings of love etc. (I know there will be those who will say I shouldn't have snooped, and they are probably right, but I just couldn't stand not-knowing for any longer, as deep down I knew something wasn't right).
Apparently the relationship wasn't physical, only kissing, and had been going on in that way for a couple of months. However, my feeling is that this was truly an 'emotional affair' for many months before that.
Now the bit I would appreciate any thoughts on. On confronting my wife she was honestly distraught with guilt over the lies etc., and claimed that it had ended two weeks previously. She sounded truly sorry. I confronted the other guy and told him to keep away from my family and allow us time to try to heal. However, I believe she still has feelings for him, and in fact admitted last weekend that she called him twice last week 'for a chat'. He is difficult to completely get away from, as he is a neighbour, so as much as I love my wife and can forgive her, I honestly don't know if we have any future if she still has feelings for him, and can't or won't give a complete commitment to having no further contact.
Thoughts back would be welcomed, as I feel trapped in this situation having to deal with the hurt and loneliness, with no real commitment from my wife that we will work on a future together, or even knowledge that this is what she really wants. Am I kidding myself here. She is going to individual councelling, but is reluctant to go to couples councilling, although I am hoping this will change.