After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

Mad, hope you don't mind me asking, have you forgiven your dh?

Yes I have - in that I no longer feel resentment or anger or want punishment.

However what he did has made me a different person - I have lost that blind trust, am harder and much less tolerant of certain traits e.g selfishness. Sadly I probably will always hold back a bit emotionally with my DH, I never want to be as vulnerable as I was before.

madabout you may have said on thread (both) but how long ago did you find out? And was it a 'love; affair or one off shag? Not to minimise, just trying to get context.

Discovery day was 17 months ago...and it was an affair which lasted for 15 months.

Thank you, I am sorry for asking. Just interested how people survive these things.

No problem

I'm hoping that at some point I can forgive so the heavy feeling of being betrayed diminishes. I know forgiveness is as much about yourself and healing yourself through this process rather than the betrayer.

Before all of this happened I would have looked at the above paragraph and thought 'are you nuts!!!' shows how events which happen in your life and for which you've had no control of can change you forever.

Our relationship is different there's no question but in some respects it's better. I think in my case from dp's point of view it was that he didn't know what he had got until he'd almost lost it all. I think this is true in a lot of our stories. My dark days are easing. I still have them and I still have burst of anger when I think about what dp has done but I don't shout and scream, I talk to him on my low days, he's still patient and hasn't once made me feel like we should be past this by now which of course is all part of the healing process.

I'm hoping that in another six months we'll be even stronger and have been able to take even more steps forward, we've started our relationship again almost, bringing forward good bits from the 'old' one and leaving the rubbish behind.

I also still have immense sadness especially looking through old photos, it's almost like a snapshot of what he was doing last year. Behind the smiles there was this huge betrayal, I feel sad looking at my 'old' self. Hope this makes sense.

I find the 'norman's moments - him making me a cup of tea, telling him about something to do with dd - very hard. I keep telling him those moments don't mean anything. It's like every second has a this shadow over it.

Normal not bloody Norman!!

That shadow will lift Heb. I remember how my whole body felt heavy with the burden of knowing what he'd done and how it was down to me whether our family would stay together or not! Of course it wouldn't have been my fault if we had parted company but it still felt that way in the early days.

He keeps saying that he is at my mercy and I get to call the shots but I feel so much pressure.

Just resurrecting this 'old' thread.
I've been very up and down the past few months. I am running out of time (if petitioning on adultery) and will have to issue by 4th January.
Yesterday I went over to the local court and got all the paperwork I need and completed it. Just need to photocopy and take over and issue. Its going to be difficult the next week or so. Don't really want to issue just before Christmas as he will then spoil it for the kids. Might get everything ready and put through the Court letter box, they confirmed that would be ok so might do that a few days after Christmas.

Really shite timing but I feel it has to be done. I think if I don't, I will wake up the day after the 6 months expires and regret it.

How is everyone else doing?

how are you doing Mos? have been reading this but not commenting til now xx

Hi Mos, sorry you're still very much up and down (to be expected) plus it seems this added burden with the six months in which to petition for adultery. There comes a point in time where we've either got to work through this with a gentle approach and support from our partners or we just can't get past the betrayal. I'm sorry it seems like it hasn't worked out for you but totally understandable. From what I recall your dh said some pretty hurtful things to you at the start of you discovering his infidelity, so instead of helping you heal he hindered that process I take it he's not helped you with coming to terms with everything?

I'm in a much better place although I still suffer from brief moments of hurt. We can have a fantastic day and be laughing one moment then a flash of hurt will rip through my body, it will then pass as quickly as it came. This happens fairly infrequently and dp still listens without losing patience if I have things to talk to him about. I am healing and am stronger every day.

Take care x

I am at 5 months after discovery!!! i found a card in his bag from HER with a hashtag that I searched on his computer which led to me finding pictures, texts and videos of them together having sex. It tore me apart as we have been married 12 years and have 3 children. We had been having sex on a weekly basis and it turned out he had unprotected sex everytime with HER then unprotected sex with me. I had an infection before christmas with dr said was an STI bacterial infection but he denied it when I asked if he had cheated on me. He works away from home during the week so it seemed he was having her during the week and me at weekends. The affair lasted 5 months, she was only just married 6 weeks when she first had sex with my husband on a work trip to Paris, she was also much younger, 25 at time of affair, she is now 26, my husband was 37 now 38. I struggle with the fact he could to have a passionate affair and excitement when I was at home with his children, then he had the brass neck to tell me he was in love with her and wanted to move to be closer to her before the week i discovered and he changed his mind and decided to stay with me for the children...this fucking hurt. After the last few months he now says he loves me and ust lost his way, and forgot me but is never wanting to forget me again and wants us to move forward together. I am totally obsessed with HER though, and I continually have triggers daily when I see a car similar to hers in the pictures, when I see rabbits, as she had a rabbit, when i hear or she her name, its driving me mad as i just want to erase it from my mind. But everyday I find myself googling her, facebook checking her, then the worst bit, watching the videos I kept as insurance if i decided to divorce him. When does this part go??? Im devastated but divorce is not an option.

How do you attempt to move on and work on your relationship when your partner works with the OW in a small office

I found out my partner of 6 years has had an "affair" (he says it was purely physical, she was a damsel in abusive and loveless marriage but he always loved me, blah blah blah) on Monday. I have read this thread from start to finish. Is anyone still about?

I haven't decided what to do. We have a 2.3yo and 5mo, he started the affair while I was pregnant. It ended a couple of months ago but she was a work colleague and rumours have been flying, he admitted it to me on Monday. Only because he knew he would be getting found out. I am in a state of shock.

My wife had a short affair 29 years ago, just 6 months after giving birth to our first child. She initially denied having the affair, although I was strongly suspicious nevertheless. If I had known for sure, I would probably have divorced a.s.a.p., before our son could grow old enough to experience the trauma of the divorce. 10 years later (after we already had a second child), she admitted it. My conflicting emotions have been a source of pain ever since feelings of me being a gullible fool, but also feeling trapped by not wanting to disrupt our family. Anyway, it hasn't been an easy marriage with 29 years of grief over suspicion and (then certainty) of her infidelity. It hasn't been bad every day, but when there is conflict between us my suppressed anger comes out easily. Despite my effort to get on with life, I've never been able to forgive and forget. Maybe some people can do better -- but I just wanted to offer the idea here that for other people (like me) it might never go away.

2 months post DDay for me. I am having a terrible time. We are seeing a psychologist but my W has yet to show remorse or ask for forgiveness. Been married 10 years, together for 20. We have a 2.5 year old son.

My W was abused (emotionally ,physically, likely sexually but she doesn't remember) as a child and was raised in a cult which she left around the time we met in college. Her biological father left before she was born and she was raised by her biological mother and her mother's new husband.

To complicate things, she is half black and the cult with which she grew up was all white and she was left feeling bad for being different from everyone else.

I am not sure where to go from here. I have loved her completely and deeply from the beginning of our relationship and that love has been unwavering.

Presently she is still in the affair fog where she is blaming her unhappiness on me and the marriage. Yet we bought a house together six months ago and she has been telling me all along (prior to my discovery) that she "loves me and that there is no one she would rather spend the rest of her life with." She would text me and message me during the days that she misses me.....

I confronter her over the past year or so and asked her if something was going on.. if she was having an affair because I sensed distance... and she would look me directly in the eye and tell me she loves and that I and our son are her whole life.

I also feel she may still be in contact with the affair partner. (a married man with two children)

Can someone please help? I don't feel I or we have made any progress since DDAY in almost 8 weeks. These 8 weeks have felt like an eternity. I feel I am running out of gas and I have moments where I think I need to file for divorce.
I am lost... and feeling alone. Please help. Is it too soon for me to worry?

My H has left me for the OW. He moved right in with her, it had only been going on a month before discovery.

Has anyone's H done this and returned? If so... when?

Am two years one month post discovery of husbands 5 month affair. Decided to stay together and forgive. We do have fun together but no sex! Can't be right. Hate myself for being weak, no role model for daughters etc, allowing myself to be doormat by not divorcing. Love him but can't let him touch me. Have tried various therapies alone and together. Can't see a happy future. So sad, been together nearly 30 years, married 21. He complained that there was distance between us which led to the affair but now there is real distance between us. We almost co-exist. I want things to get better, the trust to return and the intimacy but after two years is it possible?

Yes, We're 6.5 years out and it took at least 5 or so years to really forgive and for it to stop hurting. It wasn't 5 years of constant suffering and anger though - it got gradually better as the time went by when I reached the final stage all the resentment and pain just melted away.