After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

Looks - hope the break does you good & sorry to hear about the crying. X

I'm another one who swore never to take back a cheating husband.

Its not black and white isn't it.

Have a great weekend Looks - hopefully now that you have cried you will start to feel better x

Hi Ladies

Ive been away from mn for a couple of weeks, as i have been working alot and had mil here.

Ive been a bit unsettled by something mil said. She raised her kids on her own as father left for an OW when they were quite young. We had both known that, but in fact it turned out that there had been several OW, even before their marriage and just after, and also when we were talking about the reasons for it she said that fil's own father had been the same. So my h makes three generations, although it may be a coincidence, as he didnt know it at the time, and has seen very very little of either his father or grandfather.

We are 9 months on and doing quite well. However, I still can not for the life of me get past the notion that there was much more which happened during the five or six years of his infidelity than he has told me. However, as Madabout may remember, there just wasnt enough evidence to be certain. He still says he cant remember much about the conversations he had with all those women online (over 200!) and still insists that a) they were one offs and b) he never met up with or slept with any of them. Who knows? He was away enough for his job; at least half the week, and was utterly pissed off when we moved that he needed to be at home so much.

The nub of it is whether I accept that he 'cant remember', or whether I can move on from that and forget it. I still think that is isnt convenient for him to remember, and he hasnt gone to any counselling alone.

Hi Ladies

Ive been away from mn for a couple of weeks, as i have been working alot and had mil here.

Ive been a bit unsettled by something mil said. She raised her kids on her own as father left for an OW when they were quite young. We had both known that, but in fact it turned out that there had been several OW, even before their marriage and just after, and also when we were talking about the reasons for it she said that fil's own father had been the same. So my h makes three generations, although it may be a coincidence, as he didnt know it at the time, and has seen very very little of either his father or grandfather.

We are 9 months on and doing quite well. However, I still can not for the life of me get past the notion that there was much more which happened during the five or six years of his infidelity than he has told me. However, as Madabout may remember, there just wasnt enough evidence to be certain. He still says he cant remember much about the conversations he had with all those women online (over 200!) and still insists that a) they were one offs and b) he never met up with or slept with any of them. Who knows? He was away enough for his job; at least half the week, and was utterly pissed off when we moved that he needed to be at home so much.

The nub of it is whether I accept that he 'cant remember', or whether I can move on from that and forget it. I still think that is isnt convenient for him to remember, and he hasnt gone to any counselling alone.

and MOs, this is the same problem for me, as for you:

"So part of my problem is the its not just the adultery, its the months and years of lies. He planned it and lied and covered it for years, that is hard to live with. If he is capable of lying for so long what is to stop him doing it again? "

Five - it's good to hear that you are doing well 9 months in. Has your H worked hard to prove his commitment to repairing the damage?

Not so great this end, I'm afraid. We had a set back a few days ago. Due to H's lies about who the OW was, I emailed a completely innocent woman 3 months ago. He got in touch with her at the time to explain what happened. 2 weeks ago, she emailed me telling me to "get over it". I responded to her callous attitude quite angrily as she knew the situation, it happened 3 months ago & after all, I'm the bloody innocent victim of H's lies. She sent another email on friday telling me to "get over it" again (she's a bit deranged apparently).

I was fuming & asked my H to email her & tell her to leave me alone & to point out that I was only responding to his lies. He sent her an email & sent me a copy. In it he described his affair as a friendship that developed into "something beautiful " genuine". I freaked when I read it & told him I didn't need to see that. He justified it by saying that he didn't want to slag off his OW as he didn't want to antagonise the mad one further as she knows her!

I was furious. He just keeps dropping these massive fucking clangers which are so thoughtless. Of course, this has spun me out & as a result, he has suggested a trial separation in September as he feels that we are going round in circles.

I have told him that for me if he goes, he goes permanently. He wants to be able to focus on whether he wants to truly stay or separate. OW isn't on the scene - he said he's fucked up his head so much that he would never pursue it.

All I see is a man who is either not committed to us & really wants our, or he's so fucked up by what he's done, that his head is all over the place.

I have days when I want to quit to but realise that it is entirely normal to feel that way.

He was always such a loyal, honest & genuine good bloke. I just don't get who he is anymore.

Yes, we've had our ups & downs & last year was a good year for us. He had a lot of stress from work & towards the end of the year, not much attention from me, as I was recovering from my c-section, doing everything for Xmas whilst looking after 2 kids on my own as he works away for 3 days during the week.

I think he felt neglected, stressed & then, hey ho, some attractive 26 year old turns up at work in jan & he builds a friendship which is fuelled by attraction. He justifies himself crossing the line by the fact that she made him feel like the dogs bollocks & he could look at our difficulties as an excuse to start shagging the bitch.

He's made out to people that my depression, due to several miscarriages, has been the reason why he's been so unhappy. I haven't been depressed for 3 fucking years & spent time in therapy to sort myself out. I am proactive & did it out of consideration for him & my DD. I wanted to take the pressure off him as I know it's tough supporting someone who is depressed.

He has always had a tendency to justify his behaviour - it is often down to something out of his control or some other lame excuse. He can be very thoughtful & kind but I just question everything about him now.

Do trial separations actually work? I think you need to be together to work through your issues & as the trust has been so hideously violated, being apart just fuel the fire.

God, I just can't stand him at the moment. He fucked up - didn't think about our kids whilst he was fucking her - and now he needs to goddamn stand up & be a MAN! Take a long, good look at himself...

Sorry for the rant - I may lace his coffee with laxatives tonight - he can truly become the shit that he is (of course, I won't but GOD, I'd love to )

Have spent the last couple of hours reading through these posts and find so many of the emotions and experiences echo my own.

4 weeks ago tomorrow, I discovered that my spouse was having an affair with someone at their work. They had exchanged over 2,000 text messages (mostly of an explicit sexual nature) over a 3 month period. They had met on one occasion after work and got intimate. They had phone sex with each other. They had discussed booking hotels for sex (though insist it never happened) and planned to come round to my house while I was working away for sex (again insist it didn't happen). My spouse had emailed intimate pictures. The level of deceit was pretty extensive, my spouse even buying another phone which they kept hidden from me so that they could continue the affair undetected.

In the end, I only discovered the affair purely by chance.

Since then I have gone through the anger, the hurt, the hate, the humiliation, the embarrassment and a whole heap of pain which I never thought possible. Those that liken it to grieving for a close relative are spot on. We have done the hysterical bonding bit. We've done the interrogation bit to try and understand the detail. We've been to a counsellor 4 times now.

The big difference in my situation is that I am the husband and that it is my WIFE that had the affair. We have been married for 12 years and have two children, 6 and 7.

We are trying to make a go of things and I am trying to come to terms with what has happened. My wife insists it was 'just a buzz' and that it didn't mean anything. She spent the first week in complete denial, saying it didn't constitute an affair because there was no 'love' involved. She is adamant that she never actually had sex with him, though has admitted the time they met up in the car, it got pretty intimate (his hand up her skirt etc).

I am trying desperately to believe her, though I had a major setback a week and a half after the discovery, when I found out that she was still lying to me as she still had the 'hidden' phone, despite promising me (and swearing on our daughters lives) that she had thrown it away 6 weeks before.

She insists there is nothing more to tell and has again promised no more lies. Yet there are so many aspects of this that still don't quite add up. I am now at the point where I have to try and look to the future and accept that I will probably never know the full extent of what happened.

I got a degree of satisfaction by letting the OM's wife know what had happened - but only after I gave the OM (via a friend) a clear message that I knew everything and was going to tell his wife. When I called her, she was so thankful to me for telling her, so it's something I would encourage anyone who has been cheated on to consider doing so - but do it by phone, not email.

Also want to say that as crappy as being on the receiving end of an affair is, for a man it can be worse than for a woman. Despite being the 'victim', it is the man who would have to move out of the family home and it is the man who would have to come to terms with no longer living with their children. I have tried not to make this a part of my decision to stay as I genuinely want to try and repair our marriage.... but for many men in my situation, it's another kick in the nuts.

38911, how awful.I think your wife is minimising if she refuses to accept that what she has admitted to constitutes an affair. She should stop kidding herself, and if she wants evidence based back up, she should read the Shirley Glass book.

I too went through hell and threats to leave, after 5 years plus of confrontation and ensuing lies, to get at the 'truth' I now have. I also discovered more omitted information, such as a denied messenger account two weeks after I had wrung the 'truth' out of him, and he had admitted infidelity. think this issue about whether you ever hear the full story is a difficult one, and entirely the fault of the unfaithful party. I have made every effort to seek the truth in a non accusing way, and he even lied at Relate for the first month, hopefully to his later embarrassment.

I still have days where I remember some issues which may not add up, or some unexplained seeming old evidence, but then I remind myself that he wasnt just an unfaithful liar at the time, he was also inconsiderate and selfish in other ways too. In fact he was vile, and I cant imagine why I ever put up with him last year, or for a few prior to that. (we have been together 20 years).

I wont ever know whether I have the truth for certain, and also I wont know whether he is up to those tricks again, given my reluctance to constantly check. However, I will know if he is behaving selfishly and without consideration and , if he is, I wont be hanging around this time to look for the reasons behind it.

That way of looking at it gives me back some power, and reminds me that, as others have said, I dont need him in order to survive.

He has in fact made reasonable efforts to sort himself out since I discovered what he had been up to. For example, he has stopped coming to bed late, takes me into account in the evenings and weekends, offer a better share of the tasks, and makes more effort romantically. He has also stopped justifying any secretive behaviour and no longer has passwords etc on his net or email accounts. He phones more when he is away, and also decided against a weekend in London at a social event after I had objected that I didnt feel OK about it after what had happened.

38911 - so sorry that you are having to go through this....

I don't want to rock the boat too much, but I would suspect that they did have sex. My H denied it was ever anything other than a kiss until I found concrete proof. They will always try to minimise the fallout in the early days.

As for swearing on your child's life, my H cleverly did it in a way that deflected me. It would seem that most of us get them to swear that.

It's horrendous but you must make sure that you get the support you need & try to look after yourself.

If you feel that something isn't right about what she is telling you, trust that instinct. I have had stages of revelation & it's only since the truth came to light that the niggles have gone away.

You may feel like you're never going to regain some equilibrium but the pain will lesson in some ways & you will resume some normality (albeit a bit squiffy).

Once again, I am so sorry. Get it out on here if it helps & fingers crossed for you that things work out.....

The thing is, we will never really know for sure, any of us, will we? For example, I find it very hard to believe that 389's wife would discuss arranging sex with a man with whom she hasnt already had sex- it doesnt seem likely to me. And on my own thread in January, where I explained my story in full, most people thought that there was alot my h hasnt told me.

However, we cant be sure, and if they dont tell us, we cant make them.

All we can do is judge them on the 'now', and take care to protect our own rights and boundaries better, if we decide to stay.

moonface- I had the swearing on the kids life, too, and at one point even blaming my adult daughter for stirring after she had accidentally found some evidence on his computer when she came for a Christmas visit in 2009. Of course, he was lying, and it took two and a half more years even to get as far as I have now.

Five - it makes me so mad!

The level of bullshit is astounding & the fact that someone who is supposed to love you can do it?!

Having a very angry day here....

Im not surprised. I did think your h's email was odd. Are you sure it wasnt her, and that he only later siad it wasnt in order to get you off her back?

Also, moonface, more fool them if they are so childish as to lie. Let them live with it. I have told my h that if he is still lying, not to fool himself that he is saving me any misery, only thinking about himself. In fact, that is how I got him to tell me so much finally, by writing that message doen, and pointing out the cowardice of it.

Well I'm just winding down with a glass of wine before our weekend away.

Moon - your post made me smile, lacing his coffee with laxatives oh I've felt like doing this too.

Fiventhree - I see your 9 months in and still feel that there are things you will never know, feel this too sadly. I find it really hard to think of the ease in which dp lied to me, I mean the lies just rolled of the tongue. I had my suspicions, my gut told me something was wrong. I was led to believe that work was getting him down, etc.

38911 - I'm so sorry you are going through this too and have joined us on this thread. Does your wife show true remorse for what she has done? I was drip fed the truth over the course of three weeks and I still don't know if I know everything. It's so hard. The Shirley Glass book comes highly recommended, I've read it and sat with dp reading it too. How have your counselling sessions gone?

I agree with Moon, trust your instints, they are a valuable tool and it's only looking back now that I realise just how true that phrase is.

Are some people just programmed to behave this way? I really have been faithful in all this time, 17 years! I still can't believe dp has done this, I knew of other people who were pissing about and I always said I'm so glad I'm with dp, my soulmate...look where that got me

Oh I'm so, so sorry 389.Haven't much time tonight but didn't want to log off without saying How sad your post made me feel,and to send support at this awful time.You are still in shock, no doubt.As is your DW - the shock of her affair bubble bursting and the reality of how badly she has let you and your DCs down.
If you have read all the posts you will see we are two years on from my DHs texting/ sexting affair with a woman from work.Its been incredibly hard ,but we are recently in a much happier place.That only came about by his sincere remorse and willingness to give me as much time as I needed to ask questions,be angry,sad ,need some space from him,etc.I only hope your DW can do this for you.x

@looksgoodingravy yes after the initial period of denial, she is now full of remorse for what has happened. She immediately agreed to break all contact with the OM. She has deleted her Facebook account (which is where it all started). Her Mobile phone number has been changed and old email address closed. Most of this was at my request though, but she did agree without hesitation.

Counselling has been ok - though we have talked lots and opened up communication which has helped a lot. I just have the nagging doubts about whether she has really told me everything, especially given the further lie I discovered a week and a half after the initial discovery.

She knows that this is "it" - any more lies, any more deceit, any more flirting (something that she used to do a lot, which is how this all started) and I will not give any more chances.

I really and sincerely hope that one day we will look back at this as being the catalyst for a better marriage. Before this, the cracks had been forming for about 3 years.

One thing I will say......... it's great for the diet! I've lost 1st 2lb in

@stargazy Thanks - I hope we reach that 'happier place' too.

"In it he described his affair as a friendship that developed into "something beautiful " genuine". "

As long as he thinks his affair was a beautiful thing, your marriage can't recover.

He might as well move out.

It might be better if he didn't feel that was entirely his choice.

Right now he sounds like a man who would prefer to be elsewhere but is staying out of a sense of duty and being a good guy.

If you want him to stay because he loves you, it's well past time for him to fear that he's lost you.

Hi I have been there, just found out my Husband have been sleeping with someone, still don't know who, I was * monthes and a week pregnant with my second chilld and came one evening to find a pack of condoms some used some not on our bedside he never admitted it but I know he did it. He tried to blame it on one of our friends who has keys to our flat but I did not buy it (I knew he was rying to cover it up). The next day I have my baby(three weeks early)It was the shock of seeing all that I guess. I asked him questions about it but he never admitted it. I would like to tell you it is so painful knowing and living with that person, very difficult to trust that person ever again, But I chose to stay and it is your call but Ihave a very miserable ten Years since then bad times and good times. It will always stay at the back of my mind all the time.One of the reasons I stayed was the love I have for him and secondly my children. Think long and hard Good luck with it I hope you make the right decision.

Five - no, it definitely wasn't her. It was the other young bit of totty in the office that he got flattered by & though wow, she's interested in me....lovely to be flattered by some shallow cow that thinks getting it together with a married man is acceptable whilst she also has a boyfriend.

Had a crap night - I ranted at him for his idea about a trial separation being a cop out.

He said that he suggested it as a way to try to be able to have time apart so we can focus on what we both want. He doesn't want to do it until Sept as he doesn't think it would be fair for me to be left with the kids during the school holidays.

He also said that it isn't a done deal as we still have August to get through & we may turn a corner during that time.

He says that he feels like he veers between wanting to stay & work on us & then feeling like he can't work out if he wants our relationship. Pretty much where I am really.

He definitely doesn't want to be with her as he can now see that it just never had any potential & it would never have gone anywhere.

Did anyone else separate for a while? Do people think it works?

Part of me thinks it is a good idea. I'm not scared to be on my own, although I am nervous about the change in my life. I often wonder whether I'll realise that I don't actually want him whilst apart.

There were cracks in our relationship for about 5 years prior to his affair. He also can be flirtatious & he wonders whether this is about him or a general sense of discontent with us. Personally, I think it's about him & whilst I know that it's perfectly natural to be attracted to other people, it's about having boundaries & respect for the one you love.

I am more confused than ever. Everything would still be painful but somehow easier if he was really up for fighting for us. I can see that whilst some couples will fight for their marriage, others will go through what we are going through too. It's a horrible state of limbo & I've lost count of the amount of times I've wished that someone could give me the answer.

I know what I want if we are to work through it & I'll accept nothing less than that - I want buckets of reassurance, and a focused effort & fight from him. If he can't get to a place where he will do that, then it's over.

I know that sometimes being patient us the best course of action. However, he needs to be able to deal with my anger/hurt/sadness constructively & stop dropping bloody clangers that put us in a nosedive.

God, I bet I sound like a fool & a mug?

Hi Moonface, me and DH were separated for about 4 months but he did a moonlight flit to ow (needed space, staying with mates blah, blah, blah) - left me with 4 traumatised DCs, not to mention tip of house and mountain of debts etc.

I actually managed to piece it all together after about 5 weeks with an awful of mindfucking from him (we even had mindblowing sex a couple of times during that period ).

Anyway when I discovered he was with an ow, it all seemed to fall apart pretty rapidly for him. I found out who she was and because her relationship with him threatened her job (in her contract), I was subjected to vile texts and threats from her. Would have loved to have got her the sack but I knew she was a single mum with 2dcs and losing her job would have impacted on them (though she didn't give a shite about the trauma my DCs were going through ).

Anyway he left her within the week and we decided because of what went on, the trauma of the DCs etc, in would not be appropriate for him to move back in, we needed to be sure the marriage was salvagable first. So he moved in with his parents.

But, and this is the big BUT, we worked on our marriage in that time, we had weekly relate sessions (carried on for about 6 months), he came and helped with the DCs after work when necessary or I needed a break, we spent weekends doing family things with the DCs, we had proper dates (going for dinner, cinema, etc), we had weekends away on our own (GPs eager to help knowing what was at stake).

We agreed at the beginning, on discovery, that we wanted to repair the marriage, he was truly horrified at what he had done, at the sort of woman the OW was and it was him that introduced her into our lives etc.

It has not been easy, I have had to forgive an awful lot (truly vile behaviour on his part during the height of the affair, unprotected sex with ow, introducing our DCs to her without me knowing, etc etc). It would not have possible without my DH doing everything in his power to make it up to me and change himself.

If you do separate for a while, you do need some ground rules in place - it shouldn't be an excuse for him to live the single life with you doing all the childcare, you need time without the DCs too, to rediscover yourself, take up long forgotten hobby (I started horse riding again in this time - costing DH a fortune now in livery etc ).

My DH was genuinely in a bad place at the time of the affair (made even worse by the affair) and he was not sure of his feelings for me (if he loved me why did he have an affair) and he needed to get his head straight. The more we did as a couple and family, the more he realised how much he really did love me, so the separation in that respect did work, it took away all the everyday crap that every one argues about, moan about etc and put the good things back IYSWIM.

He invested what he invested in OW (and her DCs) into me and our DCs. I remember one of the first things I said to him on discovery, what are you doing with her DCs when you should be with your DSs and I hope she is really worth all this trauma etc!

My DH did struggle with our DCs (younger than hers and 2 with ASD) but as I said to him, did he honestly think I have never wanted to pack my bags and go at times? That I never wanted to stop the roundabout and get off?

Affairs are just the height of self entitled, selfish, arrogant behaviour.

Good luck with everything .

Moonface

?He says that he feels like he veers between wanting to stay & work on us & then feeling like he can't work out if he wants our relationship.?

I agree completely with Athinginyourlife, that :

?As long as he thinks his affair was a beautiful thing, your marriage can't recover.

He might as well move out. It might be better if he didn't feel that was entirely his choice, .... it's well past time for him to fear that he's lost you. ?

He does think it is his choice, and sadly he is using the lack of balance in the relationship to tip the blame in your direction. The thing is, whilst both of you are responsible for the relationship, his flirty attitude towards women is entirely his own issue, and so his decision to have an affair.

Both of those things are actually about how he feels about himself, and I am certain that those feelings started before he met you, and possibly have their roots in his childhood.

You are in danger of spending August trying to keep him happy, when it should be the other way round.

Looksgood-. You have said

? I find it really hard to think of the ease in which dp lied to me, I mean the lies just rolled of the tongue?.

Personally, Im gobsmacked. I always knew he could be a bit ?tricky? as my old apair used to say, a bit economical with the truth, though he denied it. However, it turned out that he had lied about the other women online for 5 and a half years, that he had lied in small ways throughout our relationship whenever convenient (20 years), lied about the detail (there was a messenger account) and then after swearing he would never lie again, I caught him in a big one two weeks after the infidelity all came out. The last one was about something he denied having given one of our older (15) teenage children (cigarettes!).

I went absolutely ballistic after that last lie, to the extent that all our three under 16s heard, as did the neighbours, and he was very shocked. I think that for me it was the shock coming out, delayed. He swore he would never lie to me again after that, and he better had not, if he wants a home with me.

Looking back, I think I would be more sure I got the full story about the past had I thrown him out at the time, and insisted I didn?t have the full truth, but I didn?t. Maybe I should have done so, but on the other hand it would have traumatised the kids far more if I had, and they were traumatised enough. Teenagers (mine are 11, 13, 15) are old enough to know what?s happening, and young enough to feel vulnerable, which my 24 year old was not.

Five - he is finally getting that there is something amiss with him & his self-confidence that contributed to the affair. He has also mentioned how he's noticed that women look at him more over the past 5 years. He admitted that the affair was a big ego boost (there's a surprise) & I have pointed out that his ego is maybe getting way out of control.

I pulled him up on the affair being "beautiful & genuine" last night - I told him that something illicit is hardly that. He then broke it down - it was about fun, sex & getting away from daily life (mmmm, really? Finally getting what an affair is all about...)

He has also said that he needs to find out in counselling how much this is part of who he is or if he did really feel dissatisfied with us. He thinks he's changed too - he always used to be kind & thoughtful & he said he could see that changing last year - work was incredibly stressful for him. So, it's a mixed bag & I just think that if he bails on this marriage, he will realise that he's lost something special because he was overwhelmed & started to self-destruct.

He wonders what keeps pulling him back to me & I'm the same.

The fact that we've been through so much together & then he does something so destructive.