After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

I've told him all that - he knows! Thing is OW ordered him to do something and he did it. He thought he had found a best friend who understood his background as they had been at school together. Emotionally it was an inappropriate friendship and he knows I am pissed off about what he bought this 'friend' to cheer her up in her sad little life. The sex thing happened once, and her letter to him telling him to leave me for her corroborates that. Think she was just getting a notch on the bedpost and she wanted his money - so he could support her and her 3 kids.

But why oh why isn't "No, I don't want to do this" in his vocabulary. She was a damsel in distress - "my husband is a violent alcoholic and if he finds out about my friendship with you, he'll put me through a window", kind of crap. I say it was crap as I informed her husband via facebook, however a week later she certainly hadn't been attacked. Husband actually sounds rather nice, a take the kids swimming while his wife goes off to bonk someone else kind of bloke!

He's a bit of a wreck at the moment, but I'm getting cooked for, washing up done, coffee in bed, all that kind of thing. I don't really want him buying stuff, because that sets up a comparison thing in my head - you're only doing it because you did it for her kind of thing. But yes he knows it really hurt me.

On the plus side, because this time it went to far and shocked him, he is now aware of his damsel issues ...... which up till now he has always denied.

Is very nice having somewhere to vent - oh and I recommend the Glass book too - I've finished it and DH is 1/2 way through - and reading most of the first part agreeing he was a total twunt!

Shorter - I get what you mean about new vows. Couldn't resist pointing out the bits to DH that he had broken - oh crap that was all of them then - when it was "worse" and I was ill "sickness", rather than be supportive, he struck up the deep and meaningfuls with another woman and finished it off with adultery. I guess it is whether he would keep the vows this time ....... also I've kept my vows ...... but it does sound a lovely and symbolic idea.

And ORM - I thought I was getting the sparkly for producing DD1 as the significant moment in our marriage. Nada. Its our 10 yr wedding anniversary in a few days - not impressed by his choice of surprise!

I also would love him to tell her the truth about what he felt - he was nearly being physically sick the day after - rather than not wanting to hurt her - and making it crystal clear to keep clear of him. He's crap at talking, so a letter would do for me. I am also curious about her - his aunt has seen her but I've only ever seen her facebook photos which are nearly all about 10 yrs out of date.

Icky I have three women to be curious about, like you I've only had fb photos to go off, almost sent myself demented wondering about them. In dp's case all three were old friends and all resumed the friendship via fb! I know where two of them live but really I don't know what I'd achieve by seeing the real life version, I suppose knowing who they are so that I'd be aware if I passed them on the street is a start after all I'm damn sure they know who I am

That last point is what eats away at me. Until I knew dh was sharing this massive secret with someone other than me. A secret that affected me and my marriage. Horrible feeling. I know who ow is though but have no desire to meet her ever again.

I have ordered the glass book and the Linda macdonlad book from amazon- 2nd hand as we are broke!

Orm the second hand book are great on Amazon.... I hate spending pennies when I don't need to.... You can get a kindle reader for PC's which is good and you can get loads of free books.

Not all infidelity is clean cut and like these books. My h is a piece of work... A train wreck is more like. He is now in counseling... But long term?
I'm currently reading a book on boundaries, as I believe he's behaviour over the years has blurred mine, which is why in our case I have stayed with him.

Started my own thread again now. Feel I am monopolising this one and getting very boring!

"I'm currently reading a book on boundaries, as I believe he's behaviour over the years has blurred mine, which is why in our case I have stayed with him."

Ditto, Belagh!

I figured this out too.

What is the book? Is it any good?

Anyone got any good books on how to teach a man to say "no" and keep saying "no" even when it feels a bit awkward and the recipient plays the helpless act. Does the boundaries book cover that kind of stuff. DH has a certain type of woman (including his mother and sisters) walk all over him. Has always been painful to watch ..... now he's twigged. But I can't take watching it if it happens again, and was thinking if he could learn how to be politely assertive while its all fresh, I might get a bit more trust back in him.

Are any of you feeling more trust in your DH's yet? DH is feeling quite down as he can't imagine me ever trusting him again given what a plonker he's been. Or more like if something happens that he can't explain, I will immediately think the worst, even if it isn't true.

icky - Not Just Friends by Glass covers a lot about walls, windows and boundaries and also looks at the type of affairs and why/how these would have developed. The type that probably applies to your H is the rescuer role.

icky there are books on that issue on Amazon, if they are any good... I don't know

I am reading The New Codependency by Melody Beattie
www.amazon.co.uk/The-New-Codependency-ebook/dp/B003YUBXVS/ref=ntt_at_ep_edition_2_3

There's not too much American Christianity and it's not just concerned with family members of alcoholics

I am also looking at the Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert

I decided to do a good bit of self-care and just look after myself and just let hubby get on with sorting himself out. He is finally got it that I'm not doing if for him and that I don't think we can sort our relationship on our own so until he's finished his counselling and sorts out the couple sessions that is pretty much it. He's also not happy that I have take some advise from myself and re-established some very clear boundaries

Hi

Been wondering how you are all getting on. Are any of you still here?

Just posting on here as I have similar thread going and it's interesting to have different views. I am 8 days in after finding husband has had affair. He wants to save our marriage. I don't know.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you too.

Hi Short

Yes I'm still here and still with dp. Things have become easier as time has gone by. It's been a hell of a journey.

Sorry for the short post, just on my way home from work but will be back on later x

Still with dh too. For the most part we are okay - we don't talk about it all the time, like we used to. Life has settled down and returned to 'normal'.

But, I find that I have moments of incredible anger and sometimes what he did, just hits me and I feel blindsided once again. I think that I am so angry because this has hurt me so much and I am left with all these feelings of betrayal and loss of trust and yet for him there have been no real consequences. Nothing has been taken from him that he valued, yet I feel I have lost something very fundamental in terms of trust and faith.

I now realise that he was selfish and entitled, otherwise he would have thought about me and not done this and perhaps he has always had elements of this in his character. Actually, I guess he has lost something - my automatic, unthinking good will. In the future, I may be more selfish too.

I find that in darker moments I doubt whether he has told me the whole truth.

tbh, I try not to think too much. I find it hard to reconcile these dark moments with the times when I feel loved and happy - it's like i am two people.

I hope that you all are okay. Have been thinking about you all.

short how long is it since you found out?

I find that in darker moments I doubt whether he has told me the whole truth.

Yes, I still think about that occasionally a year on. We never will know for sure, especially after all the lies.

Finally I decided that at least I will be able to tell if he does anything again, as he was so horrible and distant last time (and he would be kicked out).

It occurs to me now about twice a month and I just try not to think about it any more. I can NEVER have proof one way or the other.

*hebetrayedme -it's been about 3 months, I think.

If I ever find myself here again, then I will have to leave him. Because I cannot trust him 100%, I have to live with the feeling that he could potentially do this again and then I will have to leave him and break up my children's home. I hate that whether or not this happens, all rests with him and I cannot control it.

My fear is that he will one day throw away all our history together and do this to me again. He swears he never will, but the blind faith I had in him is not there any more. He did it once, after all.

I also think that if this happened again, he would be more careful about deleting stuff and I worry that I wouldn't necessarily know or be able to find evidence of it.

Do you feel happy and hopeful though? Or is it a case of constant dread? I don't know how I will ever feel ok.

But you would know from his behaviour if he is having an affair again. Your instinct will tell you.

There is a similar and more recent thread (started by hebetrayedme) that you may want to look at.

As for me, I am now at the stage where I am letting go of everything bad that has happened - no anger, just acceptance. The catalyst was probably when I saw OW at a social event which laid a few ghosts for me and helped me move on. Its a good place to be in

mad I hope I can get to that place. I really do.

Mostly I do feel happy and hopeful, but I just occasionally get these dark thoughts intruding. it's worse when dh is away working, because a lot of what he was doing took place when he was away for work and also it gives me time to brood.

On the plus side, we are a lot more honest in how we talk to each other and as a result our sex life has improved. We have recognised that we need to invest time and effort into our relationship. We have talked about appropriate boundaries in how he talks to other women. In the past he pleaded ignorance and said he didn't think he was doing anything inappropriate. I'm not sure I buy that, but have been very clear that he now has to behave in a way that I find appropriate.

He has been very apologetic, but he was always very good at saying all the right things. I guess time will tell, whether his actions match his words

Glad you are feeling better mad.

Mostly, I am fine. I think today I just had a wobble because I was reading a thread on MN about a surrendered wife and suddenly had the thought that if I'd lived like her, I would still be living in ignorance while my husband carried on doing what he did. It just blindsided me for a moment. Couldn't finish reading the thread - it made me feel sick.

short - glad to hear you are mostly fine. 3 months is still early though - its been 17 months for me and I remember 3 months was when I decided I was going to give the marriage another go.