After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

3891 just to add to last night when I say we are in a happier place I mean since the discovery.DH now acknowledges our marriage was solid and good.Apart from a few minor niggles ie. me being a bit bossy and controlling, but then he readily accepts he wasn't pulling his weight at the time and I was under a lot of pressure from all sorts of areas .He wasn't being anywhere near as supportive as he usually would be ( too distracted!) and I had given him loads of support when he had gone through previous tough times at work etc.

It really was more about him.His flirting.Which had really hurt me a couple of times before when he was drunk and acting more like a single man on the pull.But these were isolated incidences years apart.And a world of difference from the sustained flirt fest with OW over several months.
Now he sees how hurtful and disrespectful anything more than very mild and totally open flirting is, and why I can't / won't tolerate it.I don't want him to change his friendly,helpful and sociable nature.I just never want him to give out the wrong signals and indulge himself like that again.And I believe he finally gets it.Otherwise I wouldn't be with him.

We had a lovely counsellor but in hindsight I left feeling very frustrated because she seemed to work from a script that said whatever had happened was 50/50 within the marriage.DH and I talked so much, and what helped me enormously was that he put up his hands and said ' that's not the case.This was my fault.This was down to my flirting,inability to say no or cause confrontation ie.not keep responding to OW even when he knew it was getting out of hand.

MOON I sympathise so much.You need to feel / I needed to feel he was willing to fight the fight of his life to win me back.Nothing less would have done it for me.
Have a good weekend all.Hope in all the mix of emotions you manage to find some peace and space for yourselves.X

Shirley Glass has said that in her experience of research on over 10, 00 affairs, and working with couples , that usually it is the one putting least in to the relationship who strays. Some people just seem to look outward for validation, and they are often those who cannot handle criticism very well, and who can be quite defensive and self justifying, despite any outward confidence. My h was like this, although nobody who knew him would have noticed it, because he was outwardly very confident, has a senior job, and is good in company.

That isnt the same as how they feel inside, though, is it?

I think some have affairs because they feel entitled, but for more people it is about using those external stimuli from new relationships and the thrill of it all, to feel better about themselves or their lives or whatever. It is just self medicating, and doing so without over worrying about the fairness of it or the cost to others. Although they do know it isnt on, or they would negotiate it openly, wouldnt they?

My own h freely admits that all through those five years he would have had a fit if I had done similar, and I know this to be true, as during the last year our relationship had deteriorated badly. He didnt want sex at all, and when I finally said to him, more to test him out really, that I would not agree to stay monogamous if the lack of sex became permanent, he worked very hard to dissuade me from that path, whilst continuing it in secret himself.

I was just writing a big long post about what a sh*te day I've had (4 weeks today since I discovered my wife's affair) and how, after having had a couple of days of relative 'normality' earlier this week, the intense hurt had returned with a vengence, along with the deep sadness... then I told myself to 'man up' and deleted it all and wrote this instead.

I don't really want to burst into tears, nor do I want to express how sad I am.

Oh 38911 it's names me very sad to read your post.No words are adequate to take away your pain.I used to wish someone could knock me out and I could have a form of amnesia to take away all the hurt and negative thoughts that seemed so overwhelming.
It changes you forever, nothing can alter that, but it does get easier with time.A long time for me.Probably not what you want to hear.Just wanted you to know someones thinking of you this evening.And all of you going through the same.

Hi all.

Just been catching up with all your posts. Am sorry to see that new people have needed to join this thread - it makes you wonder if anybody manages to get through life, without this sort of thing happening. It certainly seems more widespread than I had ever anticipated. If we are going out into the world and putting a brave face on it, I wonder how many other people are doing the same.

I am horrified at some of the attitudes/behaviour that stargazy and MOS have encountered from their counsellors. How can it be 50/50 fault if one partner chooses to have an affair and the other partner knows nothing about it and has no say in this happening? That's madness. I'm sure there are some very bad marriages where people seek happiness from outside, but equally, I am convinced that when one person makes the decision to lie and deceive and betray, the fault lies more with that person, not the partner who was living their life in ignorance of what was really going on, and who trusted their partner not to cross boundaries.

I really do think that the only way to get through this is if the cheating partner is completely sorry, genuinely pledges never to do this again and is totally committed to your relationship and prepared to do whatever it takes to repair the damage. I don't think it can work with a half in, half out half arsed 'commitment' . If my dh didn't know what he wanted and was talking about trial separations etc, the choice would be taken out of his hands. I think true recovery needs total honesty - no drip feeds of info weeks/months down the line and it needs for the betraying partner to be completely in the relationship.

I think that for some people a trial separation can work, if like counting, both partners are still properly working on the relationship, but it wouldn't be right for me. I think dh and I are far happier together than apart.

Moonface, remember that the power isn't all with your husband. I strongly feel that he should be doing whatever you feel is necessary to move forward. And your husband should keep in mind that you may well prefer your life without him in it. Don't let him think that this is solely his choice or that he runs no risk in having a trial separation.

Best wishes to everyone x

Shorter - your post is spot on in everything you say.

Sadly, I think today is the day that I ask my H to go. He isn't doing what I need & I just can't put up with it anymore.

The only way I could get through what he has done is with the reassurance & commitment that I need. Since the big revelation 6 weeks ago (the truth after all the lies since May), he has gradually got worse in terms of his confusion.

I have tried to hang in there as I know that ambivalence can be a part of the process but it just continues to feel like it's all about him.

In my mind, my marriage is over. I don't think being apart is going to make him feel any differently & I just need to start picking up the pieces of my life.

I am devastated - the man I thought I had is "gone" - I can see that from who he has become. I am frightened even though I know I will be ok at some point in the future. Our DD1 is going to be crushed & I'm the one who's going to have to console her when all I want to do is tell her that her dad is a lying, cheating, self-centred wanker. I have to protect her yet I hate lying to her too.

Just the thought of being with my happy friends & their families whilst my life has been turned upside down also fills me with dread.

I just cannot be with him anymore. I just cannot see how I can keep being so patient.

I am very sorry to hear that things are not going to work out as you would have wanted, moonface.

Fwiw, I think you making the right decision. It is not fair that you have to keep living like this - you deserve full commitment, love and honesty from your partner.

This might be the making of him - without you in his life everyday, he may well come to realise and appreciate what he is losing. If that is the case, and it brings about a change in him, then I hope you can rebuild a happy future together. If not, then you really are better off without him, where you can get yourself and your dc some stability and stop this emotional roller coaster.

Thinking of you and wishing you well, whatever you decide.

moonface I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you.

I am separated from my husband after "trying" to make it work. Well, I was trying and he wasn't trying so much. I said to him once "you're the one that broke it but I'm the one trying to fix it".

As hard and as horrible as it is, I feel a great sense of relief now that he's gone and I accept that my marriage is over. That doesn't mean I'm not sad, hurt, angry and so upset that so many years of being together are over because I am all those things.

But I know 100% that I made the right decision as nothing I ever could have done would have made DH commit fully to me.

Just catching up with the thread, DH is moving out today for a few days to give me some space to breath, i cant look at him without wanting to punch him in the face.

I have told 3 RL friends now so I have some support and one friend is keeping my copies of paperwork etc at her house so I can relax knowing he wont find it.

I'm struggling to find a 3 bed place to rent but as soon as I do I'm off to find a happier me.

That means I need to leave the thread doesn't it? I'm not staying with him because i still don't trust a word he is saying and he is making no effort to stop me from taking his children away from the house

Oops typed DH out of habit! Not so Dear now

Hope you are OK today Moonface. It must be awful for you, but at least you do finally have some control over your life.

I have been thinking a lot about boundaries recently, because after the infidelity was admitted by my h, he also said at Relate that he had been very used to manipulating me, as I may have mentioned earlier on this thread. I looked it up (psychological manipulation) on wiki and was stunned by how true it was for me, but also more stunned that I had thought I was a confident person and would not have tolerated it.

The truth is, I didnt really spot it, apart from the odd muddly glimpse that he wasnt always truthful or fair, but I thought that maybe alot of people get like that over time in marriage.

What I now think is that, as wiki notes, some of us do not manage our personal boundaries well, and this makes us vulnerable in all sorts of ways.

What I think you have done here, Moonface, is taken a tough decision to manage your boundaries. You have given him another chance, but he is still messing you about and is not really rising to the challenge. You are worth fighting for, and it wont harm him to see that. If he doesnt fight for you, he wasnt going to, and it would have been a slow death anyway. I hope that he does, in the long run, but that's his issue, and yours, if you still want him then.

I havn't had to face indecision in my h, but I have faced the fact that he was a lying manipulative toe rag for years.

Actually, I think I can say that I have benefited from what has happened in some ways, as I have become stronger, had a good chance to analyse the relationship with more clarity, and decide what I can live with in future. I am clearer about what is fair and acceptable, and quite prepared to leave in future if he ever becomes such a selfish shit again. That isnt to say the relationship has become unbalanced in the other direction, with me in charge- it hasnt. But these days he will have to pull his weight and to be fair,, honest and open, and considerate, or it no longer is worth it for me. Especially now I am 51, as I dont want to waste what is left of my life.

Maybe that attitude can work for you too.

Hi everyone - thanks for the support.

I broke down in tears in front of DD1 today & I couldn't tell her what was wrong - I felt so guilty .

We'd been into town for lunch & just hearing DD1 singing happily in the car crushed me - I thought she has no idea that she is about to realise that her mum & dad will no longer be together. Then walking round town, seeing families & being aware of how my life used to be so simple & honest, just floored me. I couldn't hold the tears in.

H still wants to wait until Sept to separate as it's after DD's birthday. I have told him that I cannot spend the next 3 weeks pretending things are fine. We were due to go on holiday the week after next & now I think I'll ask him to take them on his own. I think if I went along for the kids sake,it would be too much for me.

I am going to make him come to a friends birthday thing tomorrow for the kids sake (& to torture him with the fact that my friends know he had an affair).

Then I think I may make him go on Monday - he is concerned about me coping with the kids over the summer holidays (shame he couldn't have been more concerned about sticking his cock on another woman).

I would rather him go & for me to just get on with things. Despite how hard it will be. I'm trying not to think of the wider implications yet - it's too much to take on.

I never thought my life would go in this direction - he has told me that he has had pockets of unhappiness & wanting to go for the past 5 years. Why did he have another child with me then? He also thinks that I would never be able to forgive him.....

The worst thing is that people always commented on how we seemed so strong & such a together couple. I always thought we were.

Fucking hell - if someone had told me last year that I'd be in this situation a year later, I would never have believed them. Ever.

I feel such a failure...... Sorry for the self-pity.

He also thinks that I would never be able to forgive him.....

Its still all about him.

So sorry Moonface, I really wish society was a bit more honest about the devastation that affairs are. I never knew such pain existed.

389 we know about the tears and the sadness. Here is a crossgender unsexual unmumsnetty hug to you. We don't expect you to man up. It hurts really badly.

Moon - sorry to hear that. But fwiw I think you are doing the right thing.he can't be so ambivalent on his position.

Dh is still doing all the right things. I realise how much I still love him. He says he's fallen back in love with me. On the surface it's all good. But I am so scared - that it's just temporary. I had a mini meltdown in the car on the way to Cornwall yesterday. I got us lost Kids were bickering. The sort of situation used to end up with dh shouting and me a nervous wreck trying to placate dh and distract the kids. He was being really patient this time but I was waiting for the shouting to start. I don't think he can do any more than he is but I am the problem now.

Moon - how long will your dc be away on holiday? Will you have company and support during that time? Maybe think about taking the kids yourself and making your husband stay behind, or if you really do need some time to yourself, perhaps have a little break somewhere so you are not at home alone, missing the children.

Orm - I think that when they are being super nice, it does perhaps highlight the times in the past when they weren't being super nice and considerate, like when they did what they did. If they are capable of being lovely partners now, why couldn't they have always been lovely partners? It highlights the fact that they made a choice not to be and that is very hurtful.

moonface - is there anyone else (mum, sister, friend) you could bring with you on holidays?

pissy sorry you have found yourself making this decision, I really hope you find yourself feeling happier and stronger for it

moon my dd1s reaction was also a big motivator at the start for me, whatever sort of husband he's been dh is a good dad and I feel like my children deserve to continue seeing him as such. It's hard to reconcile that with what they've done in their adult life though isn't it. Dd1 figured it out at about 2 weeks in, and telling her she was wrong was pretty hard, I didn't strictly lie but I certainly didn't tell her the truth and I don't like that his behaviour has had an effect on my integrity with her

38911 you don't need to 'man up', you've been hurt, I keep wondering what ows dh is going through in all this and I know he has concerns for me. This is a really crap situation and the only way I can see to come through it is to get those feelings out, hemming them in will just mean they burst out later. 4 weeks is still very fresh, I'm only at 6 weeks in and it's all so new. we are in a similar situation that they didn't sleep together but carried on an emotional and flirting type affair, I find it hard to cope with the would they wouldn't they nature of them sleeping together.

orm you are NOT the problem, you need time to get through things in your head. We are in the best place we've been in months and months (with a very long road ahead though) and still things knock me sideways, that's due to a choice he made. Have you spoken to him about how you felt in the car?

I've been quite ill this week on antibiotics and feeling rubbish added to niggling signs labour may be on its way (bet that means I will go for weeks yet!) he's been much more equal and in charge than before and oddly it's been nice being bossed about a bit,I've spent so long having to be in charge and hating it. Curious to see how the next few days pan out as he's a shift worker and each shift cycle things have slid back a bit, sort of 2 steps forward 1 step back but this time feels a bit different now, I've stopped feeling like I'm chasing him for affection and it feels more even.

Bad bad day

DD is 13 and starting to enter the Kevin stage. I hardly recognise her any more at times. All the kids asking me 'where are we going. What are we doing' all the time like I am some sort of tour guide. No-one seems impressed with my choices . ds1 hovering around me like I am about to burst into tears at any moment. I shouted at them all and took a walk and when I came back I got apologies and hugs.

Then I saw photos of myself on beach like the last beached whale in the shop. I have huge dark rings around my eyes. Basically I look awful. Dh tells me I am gorgeous but he 's only trying to make me feel better. Man with dog mistook me fir ds2's grandma

Then I made a mistake of asking dh if he still thought about her and he made the mistake if being honest. He says he worries about her . Cue screaming and yelling from me. In a tiny holiday cottage. Kids upstairs went miraculously quiet. Ds2 came down about 5 times to hug us both. Ds1 came down to hug me. My fault! I think I am going a little crazy now. I can tell ds1 is worried that I'm getting depressed again. Shit shit shit

Orm - you have my sympathy. I have a young teenage DD who clashes with me - I have to remind myself to IGNORE her when she is being foul.

If I were you, I would ask DH to take the kids out and have a day to myself - catch up on sleep, chill out, shopping or whatever floats your boat. You need to be selfish for a change.

Oh orm, I couldn't ignore your post, I wish I could rn down and rescue you!

Tell him to take the kids out and give you some air, I understand the looking like shit thing, my face is all bloats from to many late nights crying and drinking too much wine and I've aged

I'm making a point of looking after me, silly things like buying nice shampoo and a new lip gloss yesterday, it might help?

Sorry you are having an awful time Orm. The school holidays can be brutal at the best of times when you have a teenager in Kevin mode (I have one too), but especially when you need time and space to communicate with your dh and to concentrate on your own feelings. I identify completely with being viewed as a tour guide and a not very good one, at that

I have put on a lot of weight in recent years and started dressing badly as a result and not bothering with my contact lenses and make up etc. I think that on some level I knew that things weren't entirely as they should be and was maybe self medicating with food and 'opting out', by not bothering with how I looked. Just before I properly confronted dh (I don't know if that's coincidence or linked), I came to the conclusion that I felt really bad, health wise and in how I looked and made the choice to start taking better care of me. I'm not saying that if you put on make up, you will feel better and I am maybe expressing this badly, but since I have started to look after myself a bit more and spend a bit of money on myself without guilt, I do feel a bit better in myself.

I guess I am trying to say is that you are important too - it's not all about him and his feelings. Be kind to yourself. Sleep if you can and eat well and spoil yourself. Be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

Thanks. Feelin a bit better now. Ds2 , dd and I are on ballacooz beach on St Ives with dog. Dh and ds1 are shopping. It's almost sunny. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that what we had, easy, uncomplicated, safe, is gone. I just have to decide if what will take it's place is worth having. I'm 47, menopausal, middle-aged, I have earned security and the right to be the one and only haven't I ? I told dh that I'm going through my own midlife crisis - I feel all the regrets and worries that he does.

Dh can do nothing but be reassuring and loving and wait for me to decide what I want to do.

Help! Holiday was hell. I kept thinking about ow and wondering if dh was thinking about her. Had huge rants at dh, he sucked it all up but didn't say what I wanted to hear. But I don't know what I want him to say !!! I want fucking great gestures, I want to be the one hs in love with, the one he expresses undying passion for. Never used to be needy. God I am such a mess.

Not much time to post as promised DD I would watch a film with her but didn't want you to feel no-one out there tonight.
So sorry your holiday was awful.At the best of times holidays put everything under a microscope ,so at the worst of times that's put massive pressure on you.
We went away a couple of months after discovery and now when I look back I wonder how I managed it.This may be of no help at all but for months and months I alternated between feeling so angry it made me feel strong and kick ass, then needy and fragile.I vascillated backwards and forwards by the hour,day and week.You are not a mess.You are amazing.Stay strong.Don't feel alone.Someone else will be along to help soon.x

Thanks star. Dh went out for a drink when we hot back. I had another go at him when he didn't ask me to go with him. Pathetic woman. I told him to go without me anyway as he was in such a state and we needed a bit of breathing spaces. Had a text exchange in which I forced him to say obese the only womAn he loved. Which I know has to be a lie do why did I make him day it. I want what he offered her - passion in it's newest throes. It's impossible. I don't know if it will work. He is doing what he can. I am going crazy! I am a crazy woman.

He still isn't back and have realised gas is off. Can 't cook the pizzas I made. Bf of girl next door came round to try and help as he works for the utilise company that is doing work in our street but couldn't help so called the emergency number for me. Beans on toast tonight