After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

Orm so sorry about your holiday. Your dh needs so much patience right now and you're not alone with your emotions, it's a hell of a ride isn't it he should be doing everything in his power right now to make you feel secure, I'm sorry you're feeling low atm.

We had a weekend break too but it did me good to get away from the house, I do feel better for it although I think I'm in a lull phase atm (if there is such a thing) I'm off work next week too with ds so no school run and work journeys to deal with as I always think about what dp did more when I'm driving for some reason

I've booked in at the hairdressers next week, always feel better after a trip there, can you book yourself a treat, something for you to make you feel better?

And you're not a crazy woman, you've been hurt and you're trying to heal.

I wouldn't settle for beans on toast either, get your dh to pick up a takeaway on his way home!

Oops! iPhone. Sorry....

I'd like big gestures too Orm - but that seems to only be reserved for OW & ex girlfriend from before he met me. Just asks me what I would like him to do - erm something off his own bat! I don't want a fortune spent on me even though it was only the best for OW! ... just taking the trouble to use a bit of imagination. Why does it hurt so much that he would write letters for OW because she asked him to - but I didn't get one for 10 years of marriage, even when working abroad?!

I want to stay - mostly for DD's sake - but I am so scared that if something else goes wrong his default option will be to run and shove his cock into someoneelse . As stress was his justification for this one. And what if I get ill and am not in a position to cope - I feel crap enough this time!

Oh yes icky! What do you want me to do??? Try making an effort and thinking about it! something to maker feel special and not just the last resort.

Sorry to hear the holiday didn't go well

Are you 100% sure there is no contact at all between your H and OW? He comes across as being ambivalent although I know it can take time for him to mourn the loss of OW.

Have you both made a start on reading Not Just Friends?

I can't be 100% sure mad. He says he isn't, I don't think he is but my bullshit radar is clearly out of whack so of course I can't be sure. I don't think he's ambivalent - just feeling like shit about how distressed I am and a bit sorry for himself because of the way I am making him feel.

Not read it yet. I know I should but I gave been burying myself in escapism by reading novels (scifi because I can't cope with anything about love)! I did read something called how can I trust you again or something a month or so ago. It didn't help
much. Didn't tell me anything I didn't know. Could ask dh to read it but suspect he will treat it with suspicion.

Right now it feels like a race between me despairing and kicking him out and him having enough of bring the bad guy and buggering off. He says he won't but he's already less open and affectionate with me. He does not like having his nose rubbed on his shit!

There is a book... How to help your partner heal.... Or something like that. It is a thin book but it's for your hubby.
It is worth it... Will check title

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/145055332X/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1344774085&sr=8-1
How to help your spouse heal after your affair

thanks belagh!

Sorry about your holiday Orm. I really would recommend that you make a start on the Glass book. I have just ploughed my way to the end. I cannot say that it was a joy to read, but in its way, it was kind of comforting to see someone articulate what I was feeling. Not all of it is relevant to all situations, so you have to be selective in what you take from it and some of it struck me as a bit 'American' (I don't mean that in an insulting way, it's just I don't think that Brits use self help books all that often). However, most of it was excellent.

I particularly liked the bits about walls between your relationship and other people and windows between you and your spouse. I found it very helpful when I was talking to my dh about appropriate boundaries. It also says that it's quite natural to go a few steps forward and then a few steps backward and that revisiting the same conversations over and over again, isn't going over old ground, but does offer further insight. That was useful when dh felt we were just going over stuff we'd already gone over.

Anyway, please read it. If you decide not to remain with your dh, there is a section on how to deal with things, esp wrt the dc.

The bit I skipped altogether was the chapter on the motivation/feelings of the OW. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to give a fuck about their perspective.

Hope you are okay.

Icky, have you told your dh exactly what you've put in your post, about the gestures and the letters and how you feel about him having spent money on the OW? If not, then I think you should. He needs to hear the complete uninhibited truth about your feelings, I think. In an ideal world he would know all this without you needing to say it, but he clearly needs it spelling out. If he doesn't step up, even after you've made it clear what you want form him, then at least you will be better informed about where things are going.

Hope everyone else is okay.

icky - I agree with shorter. DH never spent any money on OW (apart from the odd drink when they were out in a group) If he had I'd have felt even more betrayed - we are short of money and one of the things that has fallen by the wayside are the little gifts he used to buy me - flowers for example. If he'd been doing that for her I'd have had to tell him how unforgiveable that was.
One of my main issues over this whole situation was that I was playing the Martha role - the unromantic, dependable, coping spouse, and OW was the fascinating, romantic, damsel in distress. It really hurts. Tell him that.

ne of my rants at DH was about the money he spent on hotels when the amount of times he has treated me to a hotel stay could be counted on one hand. All this happened during a difficult time financially

I made it clear that I viewed this money as FAMILY money and that by supporting his career by raising his kids and keeping house as well as going part time meant that I actually had helped him earned this money

Know that feeling well ORM.As I've said on this thread I was being a coper and soldiering on through a very busy, bad patch whilst my DH was indulging himself.But it hurt enormously that he invested secret time on their 'friendship' all around this period.I didn't want flowers,holidays or treats- just and extra hug and some appreciation,and an 'I love you' now and then.Get loads of those now though,but on my bad days I would often feel like pushing him away and saying it's a bit too late.
OW wasn't so much a damsel in distress ,more a femme fatale ,attention seeking full time flirt from what I have learnt retrospectively.

By chance recently I met someone who used to be around them both at work and had since moved on and we had a good long chat.Something she said, and a knowing look told me she had little respect for OW so I asked her what her take on the situation and been, and if she had any idea what had been brewing.The conversation evolved very naturally and she was lovely.In a strange way it made me feel better because at times I've given myself a hard time for taking so long to get over it.After all it wasn't a physical affair.
On the other hand it made me really angry again for a few days,because it put certain events eg.times they met,text messages that should have given me a clues, into context.Knowing that others could see what was going on IYSWIM?It also confirmed once and for all the timeline that I always knew ,even though my DH desperately tried to minimise it initially.And that always left my wondering.

Another interesting thing I learnt is that it's not the only time OW has got herself in this situation.Her ex-colleague has no time and respect for her.
It's ridiculous to need validation ,but it did make me feel so much better about the anger I have felt towards her.

I hope things settle down for you after your holiday hell.I still prefer the normal daily routines of work, coming and going and keeping busy.Special times like holiday and anniversaries carry a weight of expectation and a poignancy I found.
But it can get easier with time.I hope it does for you x

I'd love to get that sort of validation too. But FWIW everyone that knows her tells me she's damaged and dangerous but they also feel sorry for her too. Which doesn't help as it just makes DH even more of an arse to have got involved with someone so vulnerable.

Finally convinced myself to read the Glass book.... and I can't find it! I put it somewhere secret to keep it away from the kids. Knowing my kids they already know all my hiding places so I should probably just ask them...

Get in on your kindle, if you have one. My dc know better than to even breathe near my beloved kindle, so it was safe from them being nosy.

I think that will be on my christmas list this year!

I have realised that one thing I want is for him to say thankyou. I reckon I have done an amazing thing in letting him stay - the first week or so I was so terrified of him leaving as he threatened that I was just happy he was still here. But recently I have begun to see what a massive gift I have given him - and I don't think he understands that. He says I love you, he says I've been amazing about it (not so much recently as I have been practising my howling harpy impression ), I am the most important person in his life, he loves me more than anyone else in the world etc etc but not once has he said thankyou or intimated that he understood what a fucking priviledge it is to still be here in our house, with our kids and sleeping in our bed. A thankyou, a huge amount of respect and something large expensive and sparkly would do right now (actually forget the last one it won't happen).

And I would also like to see him tell her face to face, calmly and without acrimony, that is OVER. I need that sort of validation and confirmation. But that won't happen. And I suspect I am being unreasonable to expect it.

And to make things even better my nosy, thick-skinned SIL is coming to stay for 3 days. She is about as subtle as a brick and I don't know if she knows about the affair or not. It will be impossible for her not to talk about it - probably with the kids around. When both she and my other SIL split up from their husbands a few years back she made jokes about how 'Orm needs to watch out now too!' Which was a pretty crappy thing to say anyway but I wouldn't put it past her saying something crass like that now.

And I will have to keep a lid on everything while she is here.

And I would also like to see him tell her face to face, calmly and without acrimony, that is OVER. I need that sort of validation and confirmation. But that won't happen. And I suspect I am being unreasonable to expect it.

Why on earth is that supposed to be unreasonable? Why has he not done this?

Him telling OW its over - preferably on a speaker phone in your presence is vital if you all are able to move on. There is no need for him to meet her.

He sent her a text - I watched him do it. And took a letter into work. There was no response to either which I guess wasn't to be expected. So it feels a bit unfinished.

But my motives are somewhat base - I want to see the effect it has on her. Which is fairly unpleasant I guess.

And it was already over by the time I found out the full extent of it. DH ended it. But I never saw the texts or heard the conversations that ended it. My imagination goes into overdrive about what he might have told her or promised her.

Orm, you are not being at all unreasonable in wanting to see your husband, properly and formally say to the OW that he is over her. At the very least, he should be telling you that he is over her, as many times as you need to hear it. And with patience and understanding. After all, it is his fault that you are in this position - he has no right to lose patience or get fed up.

And you are right - what you have done is HUGE and he should be fucking appreciative of all you are having to overcome. I would not be able to do what you are doing.

Wrt your SIL, I am strongly of the opinion that you have earned the right to please yourself. If you are not up to this, then make some excuse and cancel her visit. You shouldn't have to put a brave face on anything or have uncomfortable conversations with nosy relatives. If she is dh's sister, then let him cancel her visit.

Do you think that it might help if you and your dh, at some time in the future, decided to start the marriage again from scratch - have new vows and a new wedding ring. I felt wrong wearing my wedding rings when this first happened - i felt that they were tainted and I think that women especially, put a lot of importance into the symbolism of their wedding rings. it might be a good opportunity for your dh to reassure you that he is actively choosing you and is properly committed to you and for you to hear the words from him that matter. I think that if I was you and I was going to stay in this relationship, then I would be telling my dh all that you have put in your above post about what you need form him.

And yes he should be bloody grateful for everything you have done. My DH tells me he knows how bloody lucky he is to be still here...

As for your SIL, remember that its now your turn to be selfish and to do what will make you feel good/better...leave it to your H to do all the running around if he wants her there.

Thanks mad and shorter.

SILs now here and DH is being punished with death by tedium and conversation He isn't great at small talk and finds his largely inoffensive family very irritating. I said hello, gave hugs, made tea and disappeared back to my laptop to 'work' ( I am supposed to be working from home today).

that's what I do when the in laws visit - so nice not to feel I have to do all the entertaining anymore