After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

He swears nothing physical happened

In light of what you went on to say in your post, I don't believe him, not even for a second.

Hector - how do you know it wasn't physical? I find it very hard to believe that she would send such explicit pics of herself, putting herself in a very vulnerable position - this kind of intimate communication usually takes place after they have slept together

We are still together five and a half years and two DCs since the Revelation.

In our particular circumstances the OW was at least 50% to blame, so I don't blame or need to forgive him for what she did (actively sought him out), only what he did (fucked, talked, lied).

And actually I wasn't that bothered that he had sex with her - I was pretty much asexual at the time as the result of illness, so if he'd asked me I'd have said "great idea: go for it".

The betrayal was all about lying to me about where he had been, and talking/complaining/joking to her about me behind my back. That was the killer. That is what would have split us. Fortunately he realised how serious that was - he had thought the sex bit would be the issue, and was horrified to learn how badly he had hurt me.

Nowadays he has more to lose, frankly. He likes living with his children in our nice big house; he knows that would all go if we split; he knows a further betrayal would split us.

That said, I have a lingering fear now that if I don't have "enough" sex with him he will seek sex elsewhere again, and that the person he found to fuck would lead him into betrayal.

Forgiveness is a complicated concept. I don't hold it against him, but nor can I forget what happened.

I stayed with my ex and we packed in our jobs and went on a year long trip around the world to try and get things back on track.I think the excitement and adventure sustained us but as soon as we set foot back in our flat I knew I hadn't and couldn't forgive me and realised I could never respect myself for accepting what he did.I felt he thought he had got away with it and he was mighty shocked when I asked him to go! You have to really both want it and recognise where you need to change and why it happened and I never could come to any other conclusion than the opportunity arose and he went for it with no thought for me at all and would have probably kept going if I hadn't found out. Good luck with it it isn't easy

I agree as said further up the thread comments from 'friends' about having no self respect to take a partner back are really nasty. No one ever knows the exact circumstances of anyone else's marriage.

These things are personal, some people can forgive, others can't, but if one or other partner does not throw themselves 100% into making the marriage work it will never work.

Hi all,

Am long term poster, but have name changed because my dc know my usual name and I would hate for them to find this.

I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband had been chatting to another woman on fb (old uni friend) and had requested nude photos from her. I went nuts. Have subsequently discovered that for the last 3 years he has done this kind of thing with 3 women in total. I saw one skype conversation and one text.

This has shaken everything I believed I had in my relationship. He swears there was no sex and no intention to take it further and that there was no emotional involvement. I think I believe this - if it had been just one woman, I would have had more doubts. He swears it was just fantasy/titillation.

When I found out, I felt physically sick and incandescent with rage. I hit him. He swears he loves me, and genuinely seems devastated at the thought of losing me. He has fully disclosed (as far as I can tell).

Background is that our sex life has never been great and we have both been very reserved in talking about it. long and short of it is that he sought what he wasn't getting. He has also been through a lot of trauma in the last few years and is under a great deal of stress. He also blames his own lack of self worth - they made him feel attractive and wanted.

Anyway, I have decided to stay - partly for my family but mostly because I do believe he is genuinely sorry and he swears blind he will never risk 'us' again and will never do this again. We have had the 'hysterical bonding' too and much more open discussions about sex. Had my first orgasm with him yesterday (sorry tmi). Don't know quite what to make of that really.

Am reading the Glass book and will get him to read it too. I truly belive that this is fixable, but am so scared he will one day do this again and I will have to leave him then - no more chances from me, no matter what. He has had this made very clear.

Why do they do this? I don't want to be a woman who checks up all the time, but I don't want to be a mug either. I am devastated and swing between being sooo angry and wanting to cling to him.

Short - your H reminds me of another poster's H who did similar stuff and he had to go through therapy in order to address his issues. Hopefully she will see this thread and come on here.

I think he could do with some therapy tbh. He grew up in a house where his parents were at each other's throats. He always thinks I'm going to leave him or that he doesn't deserve me, so I'm wondering if on some level, he was trying to get in first. He says not. He has never been controlling but I found out that he sometimes logs into my fb, because he is so jealous of stuff which exists entirely in his own head. I think part of it is my fault, for not being communicative in the bedroom (I was very reserved). He also lost his dad and had horrible time at work resulting in the company going into administration. His current job is very stressful.

I sound like i am making excuses for him. i'm not - I blame him entirely, but i can see how burying all this could have led to something.

Like some of the other posters, I also want to email the husbands of these women and let their lives be turned upside down, just like mine has been. Still, I am aware that these skanky bitches women owed me nothing, it was my husband who led all this.

Short - you sound like me!

People have questioned whether my DH had sex with the woman because she sent him pics of herself and I said I believe he didn't. However in the dark moments I do wonder and know for it to have happened it would have needed to be a one night stand.

I have the phone number and email of the woman and wonder at times to contact her to see if her version of events matches my DH.

Hector, I have told my dh that if i find out he has lied about this, then it will be over. I also know that in his shoes I would probably lie. I saw a skype conversation where she had sent photos and he said stuff like 'look forward to seeing you', 'wish you were here' and 'I haven't seen those yet' (referring to her body). Those things imply emotional involvement to me, but he is adamant that is was simulation (his word). She was a freelancer who did some work for the same company so he did see her in a work context. Is it possible to say those things because you are observing social niceties and don't want to be so blunt as to tell a woman that you just want to see her tits? I don't know if I am being an idiot here, but he seems so remorseful and genuinely upset.

If I'm honest, the sex has been great since I found out, which is also disturbing me - we have been so open and intimate and I wish I'd tackled this years ago.

He has deleted her from his phone contacts - the first woman was on fb and was deleted as soon as I saw his conversation.

I am wondering though, that in order to get 3 women to send him pictures, how many more has he approached.

I don't want to think of my husband being a sleaze who trawls for this kind of thing in his interactions with women.

Like i say, my moods swing at the moment.

Sorry to be filling up your thread with all my woes, OP.

" cannot explain why he did it as he can't believe it was him."

What a cop out.

This fucker is only sorry he was caught (this time).

Wow, the last time I saw this my post had disappeared into page 2, have had a quick read through all of your posts but will be back tomorrow to read through when I've got more time.

It really helps to hear your experiences and what you've gone through/going through also to know that I'm not actually going loopy with the mixture of feelings I'm experiencing at the moment, I feel in a sort of limbo land.

Seeing my counsellor again tomorrow so I'm hoping I'll feel better after talking non stop for an hour and just getting what I'm feeling out of my system.

Be back tomorrow, night you lovely lot.

I stayed and worked at it to start with...for quite a few months. Then I realised that I was still working at it...but he was soon back to his old self and taking the piss again. Having said that, my neighbour took her DH back after a major, major infidelity (he actually left for the other woman, set up house in a different part of the country, leaving kids etc). I wouldn't believe this was possible but they seem to have come through it and I can't imagine him straying again (he's on what I would probably describe as a very tight rein now and tail may still be between his legs so to speak!).

I'm coming to 9 months after finding out DH slept with someone else. A prostitute. We have one DC and I was pregnant. I couldn't face telling anyone what had happened so it's been a long struggle to get past it.

We have better days now. But our marriage isn't the same. I don't think it can ever be what it was, you can only try and make a fresh start. Some days I forget what happened. But then when I remember, it comes crashing back and the devastation sets in. And it takes days to get over it. I still hurt, still cry about it.

I'm not as happy as everyone thinks, some days I'm miserable and don't have the energy to keep trying.

But then from somewhere the resolve comes back and I try.

I know he is trying hard to make amends and is ashamed of what has happened. But I hope he has changed. And that he doesn't think that me trying to move past it makes me a pushover

Oh my goodness stargazy I feel like your post just reached out, grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a good hard shake!! I have to let go and stop policing him as it is just wearing me down. It is up to him. I can't keep trying to change to make him stay with me because I didn't do anything wrong. He needs to sort his shit out and fix himself.

His fucking blackberry is like a WMD and I hate it and every bloody beep it makes.

I had another counselling session today. It is so nice to talk to someone.

athinginyourlife That is just not helpful at all!

Brownchair, that is something my DH said, it bugged him so much that he took himself back to counselling two years after the event to get his head around it and dig even deeper into his psyche.

One of the things we did as part of the recovery process was to completely assess what we did and how we behave in the evenings at home etc. So laptops were no longer allowed in the lounge on laps, no continuous surfing of the net whilst watching tv, use of mobile almost completely stopped whilst at home (honestly who is so important that they need to be permanently contactable ). DH used to be involved in a lot of chat rooms and also used Facebook to keep in contact with ow without me knowing etc.

I will admit that my iPad has made into the lounge of an evening but we both use it (DH to check sport results so I don't have to put up with it on the tv and me to have a sneaky look at MN ).

We also limit how much time we spend online at the weekend as it does take away from the DCs.

I think athinginyourlife has a valid point. A lot of men are sorry they got caught rather than sorry for what they did. And sorry for what they are losing, rather than sorry for their actions. Somehow you need conditions in the relationship that mean rather than him having 'got away with it' and liable to do it again at some point, he commits properly this time. I didn't manage to achieve that in my marriage - I think it's quite unusual but can happen. Don't know how you do it. Sorry!

I am reading these posts, all of which I could of partly written myself. I have this morning found emails and texts on my husbands phone. I've been sobbing and violently sick since. if he has or hasn't, it is irrelevant, emotional or physical, I see both an ultimate betrayal.

My husband has also suffered from depression in the past and the last 12 months have been a huge strain, on our marriage. i have been worried sick about his state of mind, and did after an extremly difficult weekend open up to my parents as I felt I couldn't bottle it up anymore. They are so old school I immediately regretted it.

I honestly want to throw him out, i feel completely betrayed, but I worry about his state of mind, am I being a martyr by worrying about him? He is at the end of the day a fantastic dad to our children, but he also an adult who I am disgusted with! I have already made up the guest bedroom and moved his suits and shirts up to the wardrobe, but I feel I should be putting them in a bag instead? I just don't know how to move forward. In the past I have been a shoulder for friends and always told them to pack up and leave, it's so bloody difficult when it's you!

This is nothing about lack of respect for myself, or doing what is right for my children, this is about my husband & I, we have always been very good friends, and I've always know there was a chunk of him I would never conquer. I just didn't anticipate that part would mean sharing him! That I won't do! Does that make sense?

I honestly have no idea how to get through this.

Giraffe in this situation you are at risk of putting your DH's state of mind and happiness above your own. If he's in real danger then call him an ambulance. Otherwise, you are not responsible for his mental health. Why not give him a couple of days notice to leave then he can sort out somewhere to go (spare bedroom until then). You can say that you need some time to think (giving you both time to think, and to organise getting him out more permanently). He's obviously got other support that he's not sharing with you in his OW. He can still see the kids and will always be their dad.

Good luck...sorry you're in this position. Really not nice and must be a terrible shock for you. Take care of yourself.

Oh giraffe Sorry.

Giraffe, I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel - you have spent so long loving and taking care for and worrying for this man that it's hard to stop doing that. For myself, I can see how upset my husband is (he has apologised 1000 times, swears there was no physical or emotional involvement, wishes he could turn back the clock etc), and half of me wants to comfort him and end his distress but the other half of me wants to rip his head off. I agree that you have to put your feelings ahead of his - he has lost the right to consideration and nurturing from you. It is his job to fix this, if it can be fixed.

I have told no one. My dad is very ill and mustn't be put under any pressure - and I know my dad would likely kill him. Also, if we are to stay together, then I don't want my parents looking at him forever as the man who betrayed me - there would be no forgiveness from them and they would put me under pressure to leave. I only have you guys to talk to.

It's like being punched in the stomach. So for us all.

Giraffe, my Dh's state of mind deteriorated the longer his affair went on, the stress of having a secret life, pressure from OW asking to chose, telling him he didn't have the balls to do it, the thought she would spill the beans, etc, etc.

Save your support for yourself and your DCs, you will need it more ATM, he has chosen this and he needs to deal with this. If he was depressed before, this is not the way to self medicate as was pointed out to my DH by our counsellor.

I really feel for you, I cannot say how bad I felt when this happened to me, mentally it has taken me months and months to come to terms with what he put me and the DCs through.

Devastated Giraffe a lot of people are shocked when they find out that what they thought was depression and stress in their partners actually turned out to be an affair instead. Some of the behaviours associated with mental health challenges are so similar to the ones adopted by someone who is leading a double-life, I can understand why trusting partners reach the wrong conclusions, especially if a partner has lied to them and admitted depression, rather than infidelity. Once the shock has worn off, this often leads to the type of anger you might never have thought you were capable of, especially if your own life has been made miserable by him for a year and you were making allowances for his health. That's why it's nearly always best to ask the other person to leave and give you breathing space after a discovery of this kind. You're not yet in the frame of mind to make a decision and won't be for some time.