ExP says the reason he left me is cos im fat-is this the truth?

[FattyWatty]

Ex walked out on me a few weeks ago after five years together, no kids. He left for a OW i had no idea about. After talking through why he left, he said the bottom line was that although he thought i was pretty and a nice person, he didn't want me sexually as he preferred to have sex with a slimmer woman. He thought he could get over it but he couldn't.

Now i am overweight, a size 20 but he never mentioned to me that this bothered him, when we met i was a size 16 so i haven't put on that much weight! He has always said he prefers curvy women and isn't particularly a looker himself (could lose a few pounds, bad teeth).

This has really got to me-could this really be the reason he buggered off? Or is he just trying to shift the blame?

"People cheat for many reasons"

That's simply not true. People cheat for one reason : because they are selfish twats. They may give many excuses but there is really only one reason.

People cheat for many reasons. It doesnt mean they are twats or selfish. Such a binary view on life and so unhelpful in understanding the motivations

Your saying it is perfectly acceptable to cheat for this reason?

What do you say about the notion that the man should have ended the relationship before setting up with OW?

Im saying there are many reasons to cheat. Its not all about someone being a selfish twat.

In this instance, like in most cases of infidelity fault lies on both sides

But isn't it selfish to begin a relationship with another person, whilst still in a relationship?

It's not about the reasons why people cheat, it's about the act of cheating being selfish. Surely you don't condone cheating?!

"People cheat for many reasons. It doesnt mean they are twats or selfish. Such a binary view on life and so unhelpful in understanding the motivations"

No, people who cheat rather than sorting out a relationship or finishing one before embarking on another are selfish twats. Every single one of them is thinking of themselves rather then the person they are in a relationship with.

My STBXH told me he had gone off me as I had put weight on (size 12 bottom half, size 16 top half due to very large boobs), I wore flat shoes and didn't wear much make up. Guess what???? He was shagging his receptionist who totters around in high heels all the time and is orange!!!!!! She is orange due to the very strange make up/false tan that she puts on with a spade!!!!!!!

In this instance, like in most cases of infidelity fault lies on both sides

So, you have cheated on your partner and feel justified.

I just hope you are not cheated on, and if you have, please seek counselling.

Woah woah woah. Who says i have been cheated on or i have cheated.
Because i have objectivity, it doesnt mean either scenario happened !

OP even from your thread title I was expecting him to have cheated and be re-writing history. It is a classic attempt to shift the blame onto you to justify himself. I have no idea what was going on in his genitals head but he absolutely did not leave you because you are 'fat'. Please don't waste any more head or heart space on this fuckwit.

I don't think I can take any more of you symfem. I'm off! Meanwhile OP I'm so sorry that you haven't received the support you deserve in this thread from some. 99% of us urge you not to take his comments to heart. Your weight is not the reason he fucked another woman.

"We all have a duty to remain attractive to our partners, man or woman."

Yes. We do. But this has NOTHING to do with the selfish, self-centred, heartless and cruel decision to cheat.

Cheating is about very nasty impulses, namely debasing someone, betrayal and huge amounts of deceit - all for a very self-centred desire to feel good. Cheating is very selfish.

Don't mix the two up, Symfem, please.

It is ALL about someone being a selfish twat!!!!!

WHY are you mixing ordinary, human problems, with justification to do what the hell you like - without their knowledge or consent, whilst blaming the other person when they find out??????

You really don't get it, do you?
OK, how about this scenario:

1. I have just been caught, selling the entire bank of Dysons patents pending, constituting billions in the market, millions of pounds of research and 1,000s of valuable jobs, to the Chinese - because I don't like the pay rise they gave me

1. Yes I am employed by you, whilst I take another consultancy with your rival firm (using the skills I use with you). But why are you upset? You should have given me the office with the view.

1. I handed over MI5 strategy to the Somali branch of Al Qaeda - because I don't like David Cameron's policy on park benches.

There you go: no fat or penises involved. Those are the scenarios you are argueing about and trying to justify - and those 3 scenarios would get you in jail.

CHEATING IS SELFISH, SELF-ABSORBED, THOUGHTLESS AND CRUEL - bottom line, end of. If you are unhappy, open your mouth. Then write a letter. Then go to Relate - and then if you are still unhappy, break up. TREAT THE PERSON YOU ARE FEELING UNHAPPY OVER, WITH RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION. It's called being a grown up.

When I was with ex he claimed he didn't find me attractive as I was too thin...house was messy, didn't give him enough sex, my bum was to big! It goes on.

Note I divorced him (for being an abusive twat).

Funny thing is my friends were aghast when I married him in the first place he was so not an oil painting himself and didn't have a lovely personality to make up for it either.

To sum up OP you're well shot of your ex, don't give him the time of day, live your life well without him.

symfem

Not sure if I should feel sorry for your partner or for you, if those are your feelings.

Becoming unattractive to partner = permission to cheat...

Objectivity?

I do suspect there's more than what you are telling us.
Are you the OP's ex?

OK, sometimes people breach monogamy because their partners have behaved badly to them; in cases where the betrayed partner has been abusive, verbally or physically, it's often only when someone else comes along and treats the abused partner nicely that the abused partner gathers the strength to leave. That's NOT THE CASE HERE.

And sometimes, when a couple have stayed together out of intertia, basically, because we still live in a culture that considers single people to be failures, the presence of a new person is what encourages someone miserable in a relationship to break out of it - though the tougher, smarter and slightly more ethical people in such a situation leave the failed relationship before starting the new one.

But the bottom line is, leaving your partner for someone else and insulting them as you do so is shitty, unnecessary behaviour.

OP he didn't leave you because you are overweight, if he truly loved you and weight was an issue he would have encouraged you to take control of your eating habits during the relationship. However, on reading your comments I do find you extremely defensive of your weight, I bet if you asked your friends if you should lose weight the answer would be yes.

Symfem, you are not being objective, you are failing to see the difference between ending a relationship (which people do for many reasons) and cheating (which people only do if they are selfish twats)

I think your ex used your size as an excuse to shift the blame.
Last year my DH told me because of my dress size (16-18) he didn't fancy me. I am now a size 10 and he still doesn't fancy me so I give up listening to men.

Fushia, what is your point? What's wrong with saying that she thinks her weight is fine, it is her body! No matter what her friends think

The fact is when her weight was broached here she accused people of fatty bashing. So would she listen to a close friend or partner. Unlikely.
Yes he shouldnt have cheated, and yes it could be because she became unattractive to him.

The fact is when her weight was broached here she accused people of fatty bashing. So would she listen to a close friend or partner. Unlikely.
Yes he shouldnt have cheated, and yes it could be because she became unattractive to him.

Synfem can you answer Lizzylous question. what happens if a partner has to have a mastectomy or gains weight due to taking Tamoxifen which is a side effect of that breast cancer drug. Or do you prefer to ignore the more awkward questions.

Oh and by the way I lost TEN STONE and my husband STILL didnt want to sleep with me. Because hes asexual NOT because of anything to do with my looks. I went from 21 stone down to 10 stone 12. He hadnt slept with me for YEARS and so then i was the one who had an affair. Not all situations fit in your neat little box you know.

Oh and i comfort ate to start with BECAUSE i got no affection or sex. yes SHOCK HORROR Synfem, Hot news flash for you...... SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS THE OTHER WAY AROUND!