Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Well done, and especially for persisting! Hope fella is a help.

Hilde you're doing amazing. You said you were going to do it, and you've done it, despite some setbacks. Sometimes, once you've made your mind up you just have to go with it. It's the first step to getting your life (and yourself) back. Hope the bloke is ringing you back. What's the plan after you've spoken to someone? Sending you lots of support and positive thoughts.

Hello to new people - Pulled, take your time to get used to all this information, don't let it overwhelm you.

Bertie, hope your holiday is going ok, although doesn't sound like much of a break for you. I think what your DS said is some real, hard confirmation that you are doing the right thing here. He's learned very quickly that from your STBXH how he thinks he should behave. Now you can make sure that changes, you're protecting him. You should be proud of yourself.

Trying, I think it's a combination of you noticing more, and also him trying to reel you back in and get you back to your normal position in things (such flirting! how could you resist?). You said before that September was action month - what's the plan? And have you started your new job yet?

Nini - how you doing today after feeling sad this morning? How are you feeling about the holiday?

Onesix how's your week been, has he been drinking again, any closer to him leaving do you think?

I'm sure there were others I wanted to reply to, so sorry if I've missed you, there's been so much activity (unfortunately) in the last few days. With me too - trying, you nailed it when you said once you resist in one way, he is moving the pressure to another area. That thought actually went through my head on Tuesday night, I thought - yes, you've stopped being overtly aggressive and intimidating, but actually you've just shifted focus and now you're all about putting me down, telling me that this is wrong and that is wrong about what I'm doing and saying, making my head into spaghetti and generally confusing me so I don't know which way is up, all while being perfectly calm and reasonable, so it's me that looks like the mad, raving loon. As I said before, it's like being mugged, I just don't see it coming. I ended Tuesday evening feeling so depressed in his company that I was speaking and words were coming out but I could hardly move my mouth, I just wanted to shut my eyes and disappear.
So, we have our Thursday night date night as usual tonight. Apparently, he really needs to have a good laugh and a good evening - that's me told that I'm not allowed to act all depressed and stuff, and need to pull myself together. but in the same text, he said how much he was looking forward to seeing his beautiful wife , and that was all I needed to get my hope-o-meter swinging again. There's something wrong with me. Seriously - cognitive dissonance popped into my head earlier when I was thinking about it. No idea if it's relevant but I'm off to look it up on t'internet.
Anyway, we'll see how we go. Have a good evening everyone, and don't let the bastards grind you down.

Well done Hilde, wish I was brave and strong enough to do that, but I hate phoning people at the best of times! Really, well done.

Curtis, thank you, I'm trying to let it all sink in. It really messing with my mind that he's actually abusive. I suspected for a while, but thought it was due to me being messed up, my anxiety etc, it has been so 'normal' to me for so long. It's also so confusing the way when he's nice, he's lovely, but then there's all the problems. I feel so mean in one way, as I don't think he knows how he's actually being, but after 7 years of this I'm at the point where I'm beginning to realise I need to be happy, even if that means having to hurt him by leaving.

Detaching myself is helping, especially with not getting drawn into the fights, the feeling shit and doubting and questioning myself, I know have an internal dialogue in my head when he starts. However what I'm finding hard is when he says I love you, or wants to hold hands, how do I deal with that... If I don't say it, he becomes even more suffocating, or sulky... so I just end up saying it or holding hands when I really don't want to...

Pulled I lived in hope and denial for so long, thinking that my depression was due to bi-polar, when it was due to him. I had a realisation in 2009 and even consulted a sol but backed off to give it one more chance - two more years of misery and headfuck. As I've said before, once I filed for divorce last Sept, my depression lifted, although I was stressed that was different.

What would happen if you just said something like "I'm not sure how I feel atm, sorry" - not v assertive I know, but is more like you actually do feel iyswim.

I know what you mean Pulled, I struggled with the tag 'abusive' for a long time, still do, even though I can now accept (and have told him directly) that he's been abusive in many, many ways. Don't get hung up on the term, just think about yourself and what you want to do, and what you can do to help yourself cope and deal in the short term.

I logged back on to quickly share this, I forgot about it earlier, a little less of the serious stuff for once - last night I dreamt I was being attacked (or I was defending someone, can't quite remember now). This kind of thing is one of my recurrers - along with turning up at school/university and realising I've missed loads of classes throughout the year , or the one where I end up naked in public , or the old classic of going to the toilet but it's only a half door, so everyone can still see you. (I don't think I need a lot of analysis to tell me I struggle with self-esteem and confidence... ).

Anyway, normally in these dreams I try to run but it's like I'm running through treacle and my legs wont work. Or I try to fight them off but my arms are like silly putty and just flap about. However, in this dream, I punched the offending man, a fantastic left-hook - that landed on my headboard with a huge crack to my knuckles!!!!! I don't think I've ever punched anything before, but this was a proper, solid thwack! My hand was throbbing for ages, and I think I woke up the neighbours. I hope I don't have the same dream tonight while NSDH is staying over, maybe I should warn him. Or maybe not...

Way to go Curtis' subconscious !

Silver Thanks for the suggestion, but saying that just leads to why? have you taken your anxiety pills? your always picking on me? what can we do to improve etc etc, which is just too much

Curtis omg I hate those dreams! Well done to your subconscious though! Pherhaps it's because your now feeling stronger in yourself, which is now being reflected through your dreams (lol you can see I'm a psychology student!).

At the moment I am just trying to hang onto the image of me, in my own place, with a dog (something nsdh won't allow), with a glass of wine watching what I want on tv after dd is in bed. Now if I can just work out a plan to get there, and stay strong and hold onto the resolve that this is what I want.

I thought you might say something like that pulled. So at least you have tried some different things. It's a neat double-bind he is pulling on you.

If you feel you have to go along with it, that is because of him, and is still a kind of abuse, obviously, as a)you are not true to yourself and b)later he can throw it back at you/feel hurt when you find the strength to move on. Cross your fingers behind your back then at least you'll feel more true to yourself (not a flippant suggestion!). Remember he is the one who is hurting himself through this tangle, to survive you have to think of you not him and if you feel you have to use subterfuge, that is a result of his behaviour.

Think of it as just buying time to process and plan. Hope this doesn't sound too scrambled, maybe someone else has found a solution to this problem?

y Silver thank you, actually just being able to vent and talk about it is helping to get my head clear. Crossing my fingers actually seems workable, at least then I won't technically be lying, even if he doesn't know. And it helps to see it as behaviour while I get my head sorted, a plan in place etc. I have already taken to saying 'me to' and opposed to 'I love you to', it seems easier for me to speak.

It's weird, I know if our DD was in a relationship like this my advise to her would be to get out asap, I hate her to be in this position, but at the same time it's so hard for me who's stuck in the middle. It's like being lost in a forest, with someone saying they are there to help you get out, while just leading you round in circles instead.

A massive WELL DONE to you hilde! Did the fella call you back? I hope so.

pulled, you summed it up perfectly, its exactly like being lost in a forest. Hopefully we can help each other lop down the trees so we can see things a bit clearer?

And thanks for thinking of me Curtis. I feel like shit today. Getting very wound up about the holiday. Also, I'm now pretty certain that a guy at work has a thing for me. Tbh, there's been a bit of casual flirting for a month or so (he's just started here and he's leaving soon to go travelling) but he isn't my type. A part of me is enjoying the attention, and my subconscious is dreaming up all sorts of liasions. Please don't get me wrong, I would never cheat and never have, but I can't help liking the attention, the banter we have, and I'm so so lonely. . It's been about 6 months now since NSDH DTD, and as much as I have the physical urge, I don't want to with him.

It's also got me thinking about a colleague a few years ago (before NSDH & I were married), who I had a major crush on but obviously wasn't interested in me. I would have left NSDH for him. And I ended up trying to find him online (I didn't thankfully). How pathetic is that.

Anyway, I'm rambling. NSDH is working late tonight so I'm going to start packing for saturday.

Oh hilde me heart goes out to you and your DD. It is so painful to realise that the DC are suffering from your mistakes as well as you. Could her distress be the shove you need to get things moving? Once you are out of the horrible relationship she will be so much more relaxed and happy and can be your little girl again.

When one of my DC had a breakdown the issues between FWH and I kept coming up and it was awful to think that had contributed to the mental pressure.

Still here. Way to go hilde.

I'm struggling feel like I have a big black cloud hanging over me. Lots of feelings of guilt over how STBFWXH treated his 2 step children - why didn't I see it?? Just feel such an idiot. Still have spaghetti head & he's not even here :(( xx

newbe you will find you go on having these waves of guilt even when they are unjustified as in your STBXFWH case. (Why should you take any blame for his relationships? He chose how to behave!)

It is strange how things can be going well and then a lurch of pain at how things turned out comes up from the gut and hits me. I never wanted to be divorced, to have a failed marriage or children with separated parents. I totally understand how the DC hate the idea of Mum or Dad with someone new, and family occasions being uncomfortable for them in future. I understand how my parents and siblings miss DH. I know I disappointed them.

But it is my life! I am the one who has to look after me. Nobody else will. And if FWH drove me to leave with his behaviour then I had little choice. I didn't have an alternative except to sacrifice myself and my mental health and that would have harmed the DC and upset my family too. There was no pain-free way out.

I know that my FWH regrets what happened and doesn't understand it. But he hasn't taken responsibility for his part and just blames me. He has rushed on into another relationship with a bunny boiler and hasn't paused for reflection at all.

I am the one who has done two years of therapy, changed my behaviour and taken the blame. But I genuinely believe it has been worth it. I am a kinder, gentler person and I understand myself better and am beginning to forgive myself and him for what happened to us.

Oops that turned into a bit of self indulgent splurging there! But the point I am trying to make is that you must try to be kind to yourself. You are doing your best and that is enough!

lemon thank you I needed to hear that I feel as though I'm battling with my own demons everyday at the moment.
However it will get better :) x

Hilde, I'm so relieved that you've finally spoken to someone. And the information you've shared is extremely useful to all of us who've previously experienced assaults but done nothing about them (ie me!).

I really feel for you about the kids, but use that upset, that guilt, use it to fire your belly towards getting out. I too felt that I'd let down DS1, that I should have been the one protecting him and I'd failed in my duty. And it's true, I did. it's really hard for me to say that, but right now it's not important what I didn't do, the key is what I'm going to do from now on. In the end, one of my catalysts was watching NSDH bollocking DS1 for leaving rubber rubbings (ffs) on the table after doing his homework, watching him call him lazy and selfish while I stood saying and doing nothing and watching DS1's head go down and his face crumple. I'm ashamed of myself, ashamed I let it get to that stage, but I left for him as well as myself, and now I'm protecting him like I should. I couldn't protect him while I was so busy trying to protect myself from NSDH. Once you're out, you'll be like a lioness to them again. Make it sooner rather than later.

You DO NOT have to have the 'it's over' conversation. If you are going to be the one leaving the house, just go. If you want him to leave, could you speak to the police officer again and get advice, maybe they could have someone be there while you tell him, or have a friend/relative be with you. You don't have to stand there and put yourself in the firing line, use the resources you have to keep it as simple as possible.

And as to using the kids as witnesses - that's a really tricky one. I know exactly what you mean, I wouldn't want to involve my stepdaughters if it came to it, but they are the very ones who could confirm NSDh's behaviour. I don't know what the answer is. Keep thinking, maybe talk to them more about it?

Anyway, sorry for the big long post, but just wanted to say hang on in there. You can do this. We're all here for you. [hugs]

I was the same Hilde, my mum and sister were livid on my behalf (and DS1's behalf) whenever I told them of what NSDH had said or done, and I just felt so weak and pathetic about having let it happen (again).

You said: I won?t let them be demeaned by him anymore. Be strong on that. Keep it in your head. It's not an unreasonable expectation for a wife and mother. You know already that, I think, that if you hold onto that and see it through, then it'll kick off. Don't let that deter you. You need to take that stand. The day I left, we argued over something (relatively) minor, that he didn't want my mum to come to the house. I just suddenly knew I couldn't let him dictate. I argued back that I wasn't being unreasonable to want my mum to help me in the house - he saw it as me being out of order and argumentative, I knew I was standing up for myself at last. And the fact that was such an issue for him made it clear that I had to go.

And I know what you mean about wishful thinking - I kept thinking that next time he did something, I would actually call the police at last, and hoping he would so I could do something. Then a few days before I left he did start to get scary again, and I stopped wishing for it in that very instant. So please keep yourself safe.

It's going to be a tense weekend for you, I'll be thinking of you. Keep yourself safe, keep the phone on you at all times, and don't let go of the thought of protecting your kids.

Ola all

My friend asked me over last week as she 'had to tell me something'. Her and her OH are mutual friends of H and I so I've never told her what he's been like before but they are 1 of a couple of friend people who sometimes go to me ' gosh, he speaks to you like THAT...' as he has been horrid to me verbally infront of them.

Well, I got there and she told me her OH had attacked her and been arrested a few days before. They've had arguments before, but not on this scale. He snapped and went for her. She's really shaken - understandably - and he hasn't really spoken about what happens next. Obv it is all HER fault but I feel awful as I fessed up about the times H has been physical with me. She was suprised we were still together - as am I when I think about it. I am worried she might stay with OH because I am still currently with H. H and OH are great buddies - seems like birds of a feather... I knew they both had relatively similar views on women, but never thought OH could go this far.

H is much cleverer - when the police have come here he goes all 'boo hoo hoo, I lurve her somuch - she is a psycho woman' and they seem to buy it, so I've never even got an incident number.

I hope my friend doesn't make the same mistakes I have and kept staying 'for the sake of the children'

H is all smug and 'look u r sooo lucky to have me, I am great compared to OH' Not really. UR both unreasonable.

Hey bb99. I'm glad you're supporting your friend, but that's awful that you've been treated the same way. Does it make you think differently about your own situation, the fact that she got him arrested and maybe is thinking of leaving him?

I've been reading up a bit on some of the links at the top of the page - I've read them all before, but I felt I needed to refresh in the light of recent events. Found this interesting bit on
www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml:

They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, you are."

It made me think of Tuesday night, when I could see the ramp-up of emotional abuse, and one of the things he did was to smirk at me when I said I'd had a busy day - he's done that before, just because he's a teacher and I work from home and spend a lot of time looking after the baby, I'm not allowed to be properly busy like him. Anyway, I lost my cool and drew him an angry look (I'm terrifying, aren't I?), then chucked my teaspoon at the basin when (I thought) he left the room. He apologised to me last night for having said it and annoying me, he joked he didn't want me to throw any more teaspoons, but now I'm thinking that he's only saying sorry because it gives him some kind of higher ground, after having gotten satisfaction from seeing me lose my cool (both then and at several other points in the evening...).

Bertie, it made me think of your situation too - and echoing what others have said about your STBXH's nasty and plainly deliberate act of putting the photo in the bin. If he can do something and make you upset or lose your cool, then he (so he feels) has some kind of upper hand. Detach detach detach! My mantra for the weekend is going to be: smile and say 'Oh really?' at anything that actually makes me want to throw teaspoons in the sink.