Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Sorry pussycat! Loan a reference to attempts to financially abuse me - always asking for money, I try hard to tell him to fuck the fuck off and have been getting firmer with this. Sleeping it off being his mood.

He texted to say I could apologise when I wanted, I told him not to hold his breath after what he said and that's been that for now. We don't live together, I'm home with my sister so not in any danger.

Clearly he didn't sleep it off! I'm guessing you think his aggression is because you turned down his request for money, and then demanding and being refused a taxi (!) well done for doing that.

Mine was more insidious, it didn't happen so much till after we were married, he didn't ask for money and in fact prided himself on not buying clothes, he just didn't earn much or even try v hard, so I had no alternative but to spend our capital. I did work when I could, but always got depressed - with no support at home I wonder why!

Were you over the top? Were you unreasonable? No, No, and nononononono.

He's using you. He just wants you at his beck and call for his own selfish reasons (money, sex). And then he threatens you. You wouldn't have been unreasonable to walk away at any point, but I think that doing it when you did was eminently sensible. To have stayed with him would no only have put yourself in danger (because I don't think it's necessarily true that he'd have done nothing because you were in public, maybe not full-on punching you in the face but certainly making further threats, making you feel unsafe), but it would also probably have made you feel bad about yourself, that he spoke to you like that and you did nothing. Well, you didn't do nothing. You showed him that his horrible behaviour has consequences. Huge great big hurrahs for you, well done!

His text saying you could apologise when you wanted made me laugh out loud.

Stay strong Anastasia, the ladies are right. Keep being firm with him.

Today NSDH took the initiative and took DD out for a few hours. It's the first time he's done that in as long a time as I can remember, possibly the first time ever. It's my turn to take DD out tomorrow so he can study.

I don't know whether he's listening to me, or this is just because he has his lone sessions with Relate on Monday. I don't know whether to be happy or cautious.

Nini, be cautiously happy.

It's good, but it's just one day. And like you say, you don't know his reasons behind it, it might be an entirely self-centred act whereby he's doing it for his own means rather than because he's listening to you and realising he needs to step up to the plate.

I have a tendency to fling myself back into delirious happiness every time things are going well (like at the moment), and the inevitable fall from there when things go back a step (or six) is harsh. Be pleased that today has happened, but it needs to happen regularly for it to mean anything. Reserve actual happiness till you see.

After a brilliant Thursday night and a really good night last night (allbeit not perfect, with a few emotional hiccups), I sent NSDH off to his sister's wedding today. If I think about it, about him being there on his own right now, and me being here on my own, I get really sad. I don't feel I made the wrong decision, but it's just a hard situation to be in - I wish things were good between us so we could have gone as a family. He's wearing a kilt and looks v handsome. So instead of thinking about it I'm going to drink and watch Doctor Who on iPlayer.

That's the stance I think I need to take, Curtis. It actually makes me sad that its reached the stage where anything nice he does for me needs to be viewed with suspicion.

Hope you're enjoying Who and

Hi all, feeling a little sad cos DD is staying over, and she said she could have brought her washing, (but was she joking?) and I said I would have to charge for it, and she said well she wouldn't, then. It sounds so stupid written down, but it sort of hurts that she can't understand my situation, but then why would she? she doesn't want to know, her father can do no wrong for her it seems to me, but then who am I to judge seeing as I thought he was underlyingly wonderful and it was our situation to blame, and my mh. When he was the reason for the situation and the mh! Feel a bit better for writing that, she is only staying over as I am looking after a friend's DS and have to go taxiing the friend in the middle of the night.

Expect I am just being silly, it is early days yet for me and I am hoping I have done the right thing settling for this big house and just enough cash to see me through to retirement age.

Was impressed by Dr Who, and Moffat found a way to reset the Dr and the Daleks.

Hiya, wondered if I could join this thread, so many of the posts are really familiar.

In confusion about H and what I'm doing and if it's abusive or not. Sometimes I think definitely, sometimes he's really nice and I totally doubt myself.

Biggest issue for me is lack of understanding of feelings - he seems totally oblivious a lot of the time. It makes it quite lonely as he has no idea how he can make me feel, telling him makes no difference.

The only real area of control is around sex - he gets totally resentful and angry if I don't go along with what he thinks it should be and when and how. Like he's earned it by being a good husband, but I should have no control and he's entitled to do what he wants. That all seems bad enough for me to want out - but then he's a good father and a nice guy so I get totally confused.

Tell me that's normal?

Sorry Apty, its not normal. Well, its sadly too common, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm more of a lurker on here since getting out of an EA relationship after 14 years, so i have a little perspective on the situation I was in.

I am a single parent of 3 now, and less lonely than I was during most of my marriage! Have just got back from a night out with a neighbour while the DCs are at their dad's house. Have a day to myself tomorrow so I can go for a run, do a bit of tidying (because I want to, not to keep anyone else happy!) and have my gorgeous DCs come home to a happy refreshed mummy after a fun weekend away.

EA relationships are shit and you do not have to put up with one.

Thanks doingit, good to hear that life on the other side is so much better for you.

Have you found that the EA has continued since you split up, or are you better able to handle it?

How can one fairly insignificant txt send me in a tail spin I think I have read 19 years of subtle EA in to it, now I am more aware I feel lousy like I am completely rubbish I need to learn to protect myself from this

You OK mmd? Do you want to rant?

Just feel so sad can't believe I was so blinkered am so cross with myself for feeling like this thanks Silver pussycat if I rant I may not stop!

mmd I feel like this everyday at the moment especially as I have 2 older DC's who really suffered at the hands of NSDH (they were his step children). I too get very angry with myself because now he is not here
things look so much more clearer - but there is my answer. NSDH messed with my head so much I could never see the wood for the trees.

Coming tithe end of summer hols I am on my knees. Utterly exhausted - 4 years at uni; plus all the s**t from NSDH and a summer of 24/7 stress I feel I could sleep for a week. However I am so happy STBFWXH is no longer part of my life :) x

Hugs ladies u keep me going everyday x

Apty, I only speak to stbxh about arrangements for the DCs so no opportunity for him to continue the EA (which was mainly digs about my appearance, the state of the house, how disorganised I was, how I never wanted sex - then when I made a move I would be rejected etc. None of that is any of his business now, thank goodness.)

He had tried to turn things around so that it was all my fault, but I told him that I know it was emotional abuse (thank you MN!) and that I had never allowed it or accepted it. He finally conceded that he hadn't been a great husband to me and during one lucid moment he even apologised, after much badgering, for hurting me and said he realised that he'd fucked things up and needed to leave before he made it any worse. He closed up again after that, but it was one tiny moment when I felt validated and it gave me a lot of strength.

His behaviour towards the DCs has changed beyond recognition too, where before he was not interested in them at all, spent no time with them and said it made him 'angry' being asked to spend time as a family now he takes them out to the park, for days out, to the shops for new shoes etc.

To start with I found this transformation really hard to accept and saw it as yet another way to undermine me, trying to prove me wrong for saying he was a crap dad. However, now I'm just glad the DCs have fun with him, he's spending his money on them which helps me financially and they appreciate a bit of 'down-time' when they're at home, so no pressure for me to take them out and entertain them, as they enjoy being at home with all their toys!

It may all be an act, but as long as he keeps it up then it helps to make up for some of the lost time when he couldn't be bothered. If its genuine and he really does now enjoy spending time with them, now that its only a couple of times a week, everyone's a winner!

MMD, once you know about EA you do see it in everything. I come down really hard on the DCs about any form of bullying or insulting each other because I'm so sensitive to it. Its like someone switched a light on isn't it!?

Can you ignore this text, just delete it and treat it with the contempt it deserves?

Just catching up with you all in a quiet moment.

Anastasia for the love of god WHY are you still giving this abusive cocklodger any attention at all? He is a horrible man who treats you appallingly and tries constantly to get money from you while insulting and threatening you. To paraphrase our patron saint AnyFucker "Is his cock made of gold?"

You have no children to tie you to him, you are young and independent, and you have recognised that he isn't a nice person. You deserve better! And if you can't see that you should be looking at your own family and working out why you have set the bar so low that this slimy turd is tolerated.

Please please please consider dumping him for good. He is never going to change, apologise, mend his ways and become the man you want him to be.

OK rant over! Hope you all have a lovely Sunday folks.

Like!

Hi Lemon How's things?

Hi, I've just started posting and I have a Q about EA. I'm away with the army and DH emails me several times a day to tell me how hard he is working on our house and garden and how tired he is and that he hasn't sat down all day etc. Then if i manage to get him on the phone he yawns constantly ad tells me how tired he is. What does this behaviour mean? I know he works hard etc and that he's on leave (school holidays) but it's constant, just now I've had another one telling me his muscles are sore.

Sorry if this is inappropriate.

Hi redhand, it's hard to say exactly, is this a recent thing? And how does it make you feel?

Round of applause for Lemon's post
Newbe, I hope you're ok.
Doing, so good to hear your NSDH is stepping up (at least a little bit). Sounds like it's taking the pressure off of you which is a good thing.

I'm exhausted after a day out with DD while NSDH 'studied'. This was the price to pay for a day free yesterday. I still have tomorrow just me and her, so will be getting an early night. NSDH annoyed me a bit, I get home to find he's bought stuff for dinner that I cook (usually he does the cooking but this dish is my speciality). I was irritated that I'd have to do dinner after having been looking after DD all day, in fact I said to him "Why did you buy something that meant I had to cook when you know I'd had DD alone all day?" His response "Well I'll cook then." FFS man, that's NOT THE POINT!

He has his lone app with Relate tomorrow, so I'm on edge. And my Dad tried to make contact via email today too. Exhausted.

Hi fingers and everyone.

I am on holiday with my lovely DC for the first time since I left FWH two years ago. We are having a brilliant time in a holiday cottage cooking and making fires and watching Dr Who right now. They are slowly relaxing and teasing me and chatting. It is wonderful!

How is your summer going fingers ? Do you have a plan?

Enjoy your holiday Lemon!!! :) You deserve it.
Things are ok - I have been a bit rubbish about plans because every plan I make seems worse than the one before. I go back this week, but don't know where or what to :(
Don't have any qualms whatsoever about walking out with nothing, but being poor and homeless and having to be in another country makes plans difficult.
I shall continue to think of Mrs. Micawber and learn from experience - but I feel more like Mr. Micawber in my certainty that 'something will turn up'

Hi lemon your holiday sounds wonderful, I am so glad for you. What you describe is my aim. I've just had a holiday under the grip of iron control freakery, undermining, scathing crap. But my resolve is stronger as a result. I start my new job in a couple of weeks and kids will be back in school routine. That's my time to strike. My db feels the only way to break out is for me and dcs to leave to a rented place with the aim of going back to family home once FW is out and the dust has settled - to rent out family home for a period. Any thoughts? I do not have mental strength to face him down and force him out while living with him; he's a bully and just escaping is difficult enough without being tough enough to face him down under same roof. Any advice welcomed!

Fingers I think you're right in your attitude - no price is too high for freedom.

Thanks newbe and doingit It helps to have this thread to help understand I see EA every where at the moment and am trying to get dc to see things more positivly rather focus on blame and negativity - we have almost survived the hols and have had a good time