Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello to thread 10, thanks for sorting it out again fool

fool you speak true as always. Thanks for the post :)

We kinda had 'the conversation' last night. We were in bed watching TV and I told him things weren't working, I wasn't happy and things had to change if we were going to stay together. He didn't reply until I asked him to say something, and he said it 'was a bombshell'. (I was like, really? ).

I told him I was seeing a counsellor, and going to the children's centre today to talk with them about the support they can offer. He then told me he was also seeing a counsellor and is very confused right now. He agreed that things hadn't been right for a while.

He pinpointed it to when we moved here nearly 4 years ago, not long before we were married (which was when I started asserting my independence as he was working away during the week. It was the happiest I'd been for a long time). For me, the first major bombshell was the weekend before we married - we were out celebrating our 'last single weekend' with our friends in town, when he turned to me in front of everyone and told me he spent the night at a girl's house (a distant acquaintance) while I'd been away on my hen do, but that nothing had happened. It was my first major red flag as I realised he didn't respect me the way I did him, I would never have done that. But at the time, people around us told me I was being ridiculous over something so minor. I'm felt, and still do, like he more or less cheated on me, although I realise I may be alone in that sentiment.

Anyway, he then started going into the whole 'I love you, you're my soulmate and my best friend' speech that I've heard him use before, and I told him not to get carried away.

I said we'd talk more tonight once I've been to the children's centre.

This morning he told me I'd been talking in my sleep (havn't done this for years but used to do it all the time). Apparently I'd said 'Get off me you fat prick'. .

Got to dash as off to my counsellor, then children's centre, then work. Am kinda feeling cautiously optimistic but probably shouldn't.

thebighouse, I haven't followed your story but what you've said is really interesting and very positive! Delighted for you. A bit at your ex with his new family/ staff etc.

Daddyogre, sometimes I wish FWH would actually punch me or someone close to us in the face, then maybe all would be revealed, it would be a relief in many ways. Glad to hear you got away. Do you mind me asking, is your wife still drinking, or did she get help? Would it be ok if I pm'd you as you seem to be the only person here with a partner where drinking is an issue?

Jan, hope your head is a bit clearer today.

fool: I bow down before you, you have a knack in summarising this stuff really well. I've tried "the conversation" twenty million times. It doesn't work. Maybe I've been doing it wrong. But now if the meaningful talks start veering into EA areas, I point out that I can see what he is doing, and terminate the conversation. Anything that is important is now going via email. Not just for clarity, but also to strengthen my resolve.

Hi to those I've missed.

I?ve been thinking about some of the info that I?ve read over the last week or so. In all honesty, I?ve been guilty of at least several of the behaviours listed as being emotionally abusive. I do sulk, I do shout, I blame, I name call. I sometimes threaten (not physically), and I am controlling in some ways.

So how do I work on this while I?m in a relationship with an EA person? Have I become like this because of him, or are we just making each other worse, or did I help to make him the way he is? I assume I?m not the only one who has realised this. I am not the kind to be submissive so the EA/ VA stuff has not killed my spirit as such, but I am realising that my response to the EA/ VA is rather negative and probably exacerbating the situation. Its kind of sinking to their level, which obviously I would advise anyone against!

I need to retrain my brain I suppose. Or leave. FWH has been Ok the last few days, so all is calm and I as usual am doubting my strength of will regarding my plans. Also he did casually drop into conversation that he didn?t believe me when I told him my plans, that I didn?t come across as believing it myself. I know this is a ploy on his part. It still makes me doubt myself. :-( And I know that is the desired effect, but I can?t help myself!
Sorry for the long post!

re "get off me you fat prick".

Sorry guys, used wrong email address to logon, my other userid is ForSaleToTheHighestBidder, apologies for confusion.

I think the main thing that distinguishes abusive people from people who are just a bit damaged, is taking responsibility. Or not as the case may be.
I was pretty awful to live with whilst suffering ptsd, but I always apologised, accepted my blame and sought help. My ex never did. He had 6 weeks counselling and was fixed! hahahaha, yeah ok!

Can anyone help with what this person is doing? if i paste the messages on here maybe. I really don't know what to do :(

The longer you are in a poor relationship the less likely you are to be able to hang on to what is reasonable, right and good behaviour. Often we feel like we are flailing around in the dark trying everything to get a "good" response.

This does not excuse us from taking responsibility for our behaviour...but it does explain why we become "other" than we are.

Usually once you can see his/her abusive behaviour it becomes easier to maintain one's own behavioural integrity.

Like depression and anxiety the behaviours are often easier to deal with outside the relationship.

many of us who end up in EA relationships had poor modelling as children. We we may have some longer lasting unreasonable character traits that need sorting out on their own account.

Hi everyone I hope everyone is ok today, I haven't been on here for a while as I've been in really bad place. My worst nightmare has come true STBXH has left marital home but the kids have chosen to go with him and now through his manipulation and lies have chosen to have no contact with me (theyre old enough to make their minds up)
Last summer he told me when we get divorced he was having kids, and this year he said I'm having kids as parent in situ gets most of the assets! I'm going to make you're life a living hell, I'm going to ruin your life and make it so miserable etc etc he is evil man, what kind of man does this to his family I can't get my head around it.
I have a wonderful counsellor who is helping me through daily stuff such as divorce and coming to terms that I was in an abusive marriage, but she feels that I need to perhaps find a group or something to help me with my feelings over the children. It feels like a bereavement I can't stop crying, I keep wishing I'd never realised that he was abusive and in the small hours part of me wants to call him to beg him to call off divorce just please bring my children home. I'm so sorry just feel so alone, even though I've got some great friends who are really taking care of me at mo they can't truly understand what I'm feeling. I just think I need someone who can understand what I'm going through and give me advice on how to handle surviving. I'm so sorry for long post.

oh lady I am so sorry.

Keep writing letters to your children. make them as pleasant and loving and non needy as you can. Show them the real you without telling them about their DF...they will hopefully see it for themselves in the fullness of time.

My SiL is in same position, their DF is such a clever manipulator and they don't yet have to tools to help them to see. There are others here who have had the same. keep mending and healing yourself and remember that you are still their mum and they will still love you. Always be there for them, don't give up. build your relationship with them outside the shadow of their father and you will show them who you really are and what they should aspire to be both in and out of a relationship.

(((((((hug)))))))

Oh Fool thank you so much for your reply. I'm constantly texting and writing to them but it breaks my heart to get nothing in reply. Last text I had was daughter saying stop telling lies about dad!!!!
He sent me sickly email about how sad he is about things and how he knows it must be killing me, anyone who doesnt know him would think what a loving caring man, but I know it was just sent to rub it in more and cause maximum hurt.
Even after all that he's done to me i would never do this to him, why do these men do it to us?
I was thinking about keeping daily diary to keep recording how much I miss them and think about them, do you think thats good idea?
And I get what you mean about healing myself but some days are just so hard. Love to you and love to your SIL too, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy its pure hell.
x

I'm so sorry to hear that Lady. I hope they see what he is like soon and come back to you (((( )))))

Is anyone prepared to give me some advice with my situation? or can direct me elsewhere where someone might?

lady a diary is a good idea but you will have to decide whether it is for you or for them. If it's for them do NOT talk about their DF, only about you and them. Do not give him any ammunition to say that you are manipulative/abusive/lying. And do keep texting and writing.

amito your Ex sounds mentally ill ....he can tell when you are reading his messages ?????!!!!!. Send him one text or email telling him that you do not want to hear from him in any form 9including in person) ever again and if he does contact you you will report him to the police. Then if/when he does than report him. You deserve and have the right to be free and feel safe.

Lady I am so sorry :(
Have faith that with time and space and peace, your children will come home.
First, concentrate on giving yourself the time and space and peace to heal.

Its not my ex sending me messages. It's someone who I went out with 10 years ago. I can't call the police because i've already got a non molesation order against the father of my childrena and have had to phone them about my mother many times. If I phone about someone else they will never believe me.
I guess I will have to send a text saying to leave me alone, but i'm scared of what he might do and I don't have anyone to help me out

why do you not deserve to be protected from him? Just because you were involved with other nutcases threatening characters does not mean you should not be protected from this one.

PS maybe look at your choice of people for the future though

welcome...wobbly is normal over here

Amito, have you tried telling him that he is frightening you and to please back off? If so, and he is still harrassing you, call the police.

Hi hildebrand, I am wobbly too!

Hi all,

Loving the "get off me, you fat prick", that made me snort. I wonder if we could all programme our subconsciouses to have The Conversation and generally be assertive on our behalfs during sleep ha ha!

Fool and fingers, thanks for sharing your wise words. The conversation I want to have with FWH is "please go away, I don't want you in my life" - but this is to a very EA and sometimes DV man who ignores social boundaries when he really loses it. Am I a wimp to consider moving my mum in for the duration while I do The Talk? Or my dsis, I guess.

lady, my heart weeps for you, you poor love. I think the others' advice sounds really sound. Positive thoughts and strength to you. xxx

Amitola - the others are right, you still have a right to protection from loons, however many of them! Can you write down excatly what he's doing now and what he was like in the past? Tell the police that due to childhood issues you used to allow this sort of person in your life but you have moved on now and need help in defending yourself - it's perfectly reasonable. Good luck.

I am feeling stronger every day, not sure why, it may be the in-house separation slowly healing me, may be the prozac - whatever it takes, eh - it may be telling people in RL - or a combination of all - but I feel more and more like I may eventually actually escape :)

ps hi, hildebrand :) I know what you mean by wobbly, it is quite weird coming on this thread and consequently having the wake up call of the horrible truth suddenly dawning on you, but in the end seeing the truth is very liberating and SO helpful - like others have said, this thread is better than therapy and free! Sorry you have to be here, though, my sympathy.

Hi hilde, don't worry, we all wobble on here from tie to time.

Amitola please tell the police. They may question your choice of friends, but they can help protect you.

Ladybird maybe you could write a diary for yourself every day/week about your kids and how much you miss them. Tell them your memories etc, and whatever you do, do NOT bad-mouth your X, however tempting it may be. When they're older, be it in 2 yrs or 20 yrs, you will have that diary to show them. HTH.

Hi hildebrand I too am new to
This thread and very wobbly too x

trying I think having someone there for the talk is a good idea...i had one of NSDH's friends...and the children out with other friends...yes it looked a bit controlled and I am sure he felt mugged BUT we were all safe (not so later when the man came round alone..but that is a different story).

unhappyH don't feel you have to do everything all at once...I took 2 months from my lightbulb moment, others on here have gone straight away, some stayed for a couple of years working out what to do, others are still in.

Just make sure it does not get swept back under the carpet.

I am in the East of England...let me know if you want any specific help with faith matters or practicalities. If you can set up a separate gmail account or similar so you can get info sent to you privately.

Don't forget to eat, sleep and be kind to yourself.