Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi Nini I'll have a look at those link. I haven't made any plans yet, but I do plan on seeing CAB, as I'm a student I don't know how finances of leaving would work. I've also been looking a houses to rent, and omg the thought of it brings such relief. On the other hand I feel so guilty, guilty for ripping our family apart, guilty as nsdh doesn't have anyone else, and guilty for the effect on both our families

Hi Pulled....that unfortunately reads like the abuse bingo card. I hope you find this thread helpful. It's not right. These bastards have such a warped perspective.

You say you are torn because he's a good dad - if he abuses the mother of his child ie damages her emotional well being in this way AND refuses to change his little girls nappy, that's not a good dad. Even taking how he treats you out of the equation, he's failing to care for his daughter on a very basic level.

Wish you well.

Oh and the domestic abuse partnership I spoke to say they can provide practical advice regarding getting out and finding elaewhere to live - maybe there's a similar organisation near you. (fortunately this isn't an issue for me- I thankfully live with family)

Anastasia good for you on booking a trip to Rome, sounds lovely! Stay strong lovey, and think of us when weak moments strike!

Pulled, I also have no family near me so Anastasia is right, the domestic abuse people in my town gave me advice on how they could help if I left, so worth looking in your area. You're not alone.

Hi,

Thanks for replying. When u say refuses to change her nappy I mean he makes such a fuss I do it. If I'm not there he changes it...

When u say he refuses that should read, not u. Sorry on my smartphone.

Omg, epic fail! I its meant to be, not u. Sorry

Well he should do it without fuss, like you do.

Sorry if I was abrupt/inaccurate, must be hard for you

Marking place ...... Very exhausted xxx
Hugs as always xx

Hi all.
Anastasia I hope I wasn't too tough!
Well done you are making real progress in untangling yourself mentally and financially. I hope your DSis keeps you strong too.

Very busy thread since I was last on, have been catching up and it's quite amazing from my own perspective how all the things you strong women are saying about your EA partners goes kerrrrching with my experiences; it takes away so much of my self blame in a way to see that it's a syndrome rather that my own crapness - IYSWIM; of course consciously I know that it's not me, but it's the underlying lack of self esteem and this thread really puts things in perspective.

Anyway, I wanted to say, pony, thanks for your support and I really sympathise with the spag head stuff you are having inflicted on you. No it's not you, it's him - once you resist in one way, he is moving the pressure to another area. You are so strong and sound in your advice - please have faith in yourself and your instincts.

nini, it's bloody hard to hang on to our own boundaries physically but we have every right to. I find it hard too, luckily, our separateness has gone to such an extent we don't go near eachother but I used to get the same pressure.

Hilde you poor love. How bloody awful, the stamping on your foot, the public humiliation, having a school boy ask if you're ok (nice of the kid but what terrible twuntishness of your OH to have caused that!), the grumpiness, rudeness, implication that dd doesn't deserve comfort in car, oooh, I feel so angry on your behalf, and I sympathise so much because it sounds like my FW in so many ways and I know how painful and powerless it makes us feel. Hugs and strength to you and dcs.

Pulled it's horrifying, nothing less, that your OH blew the lid on your intimate eating disorder details in public and in such a cruel and shitty manner. It's hard to see when you're deep inside the EA relationship (as I still am too!) but this is very abusive and deeply disrespectful behaviour.

I don't know whether "my" FW has increased his twuntish remarks or I am logging them with very open eyes because I have given up on relationship. But he's been really letting rip, not in shouty or violent way, but with pathetic rants about ridiculous stuff, all the usual "everything is tte's fault", but also political and social rants that are so ridiculous I wonder how I've stood him all these years. Is he getting worse because I'm more distant or am I noticing more?

Hi everyone and thanks for your replies.

Hello all to all the new posters too...you have all made the first step by joining this thread...keep posting and it will help things to become clearer in your heads.

I'm sorry I haven't got chance to reply to everyone in turn....this is my first 'single parent' holiday with demanding 4yo DS and it's a bit hectic! (I have DM & DB here too but they are disabled/elderly so I'm looking after them as well!)

I just wanted to post about something that happened last night. I'd been feeling quite down as first holiday without NSDH and I knew he's love it here. Anyway DS had been a bit difficult (he's been quite rude lately...shouting and answering back) so I had taken him into the bedroom to have a talk with him about it. I was telling him how I wanted him to stop being rude to everyone (particularly me) and that I wanted him to grow up to be polite and nice and gentle.

He did listen and then said "but men are supposed to shout. Daddy shouts at you. Daddy shouted at you when we were on holiday last time"

Made me upset that he thought this is how he's supposed to be towards me. I explained that he was wrong...daddy was wrong...I guess it might take a while to sink in.

Take this on board ladies even a 4yo DC has 'learned' how to behave from their EA father...

Aw np Anastasia I'm not being that clear I don't think, hard when my heads all over the place. Yeah I thought that it is crap that changing nappies is automatically my job. He'll even go 'omg dd stinks' me 'has she poo'd' hom 'ew you check, I dunno' then if she has and I change it he either sits there retching or leaves the room.

trying thank you, I was mortified, didn't know what to say. I'm not sure he does it deliberately, think to him it's normal. Plus he's very pessimistic, negative and I think depressed, though he won't go to the Dr as 'it'll hinder future employment'... It's very draining.

It's hard to get my head round the fact I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's all I've ever know. We got together when young and it's both of our first relationship. I don't think he deliberately like it, to him it really is normal. He finds it hard to empathize with people.

As I detach myself I'm noticing other little things that seem wrong, for example when he goes to the toilet upstairs, if there's no loo roll up there, insted of taking a roll from the big bag in the downstairs loo, he'll take the one off the loo roll holder. He probably thinks he's saving himself effort, but doesn't consider the impact on me.

Also when I'm ill, I.e v&d or migraine, he'll still come and ask me if I'm going to put dd to bed or do her dreamfeed, and I then end up doing it despite being so ill.

Ans again that was longer than I thought, sorry, I must have a lot of issues I've pent up inside.

Not feeling great today. DD was grizzling yesterday evening after I put her to bed so NSDH went in to settle her (she's obsessed with him at the moment, everything is all 'daddy daddy'). I could hear him talking to her and he told her he loved her. I very nearly burst into tears and I don't know why. It's been a long time since he said that to me.

hildebrand yes that sounds like a reasonable thing to tell them. They will be experienced in this kind of conversation, and should be able to ask the right questions to gain any further information they need. At the very least, you will be flagged on their system so that if a response is needed in future it will be rapid.

Deep breath. You can do it. We are rooting for you.

Ringing them would be you sorting out your difficulties. You are feeling weak and feeble as a result of abuse. This would be a grown woman taking appropriate action to call in support.

I know it's not easy but you can do it. (mind you I am struggling to sort out my bedroom, strewn with paperwork from divorce and settlement)

It always seems to be the way that when you have screwed up courage to ring, something goes wrong (I speak as someone who hates ringing up re utilities or whatever) 2 years ago I rang my local MH centre in a state, then put phone down as had to wait to be transferred to secretary - they weren't even doing it wrong! Then had to persuade Ex(then H) to step up.

Have you tried WA?