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Original poster

Do I end my marriage over learning to dirve?

171 replies

Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:49

Hi Ladies

I have been lurking for over a year and unforunately my first thread is a relationship crisis, not an amusing mooncup saga.

DH and I are TTC, but last night we had a massive row over my learning to drive. He says I am only doing it as everyone else says I should, and that we will have to sell my little car when I go on mat. leave (it cost £300 and I'm not even pg yet!)

I think he is being controlling, he is very insecure but learning to drive is very important to me. I love him and desperately want to start a fmaily with him, but this issue is really important to me. Do I end my marriage over learning to drive?

Help please, don't care if its harsh but please help!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:50

thread title should say learning to drive, good start Strappy!!!

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 02/03/2006 10:51

Gosh

How do you get about ATM ??

LadySherlockofLGJ · 02/03/2006 10:52

Learning to drive is the most liberating thing in the world.

weirdo · 02/03/2006 10:52

Errr, do you have to end your marriage? Surely just say "no this is very important to me, even if we do have to sell the car when I get pg, at least I will have the licence and can drive your car/my next car"

Enid · 02/03/2006 10:53

when you do get pg and have a baby you will most probably find being able to drive the most fantastically liberating experience.

Carmenere · 02/03/2006 10:53

I agree with LGJ (hiSmile) Cant really see the point to his argument.

SheMightBeReading · 02/03/2006 10:54

You must learn to drive! I can't, but then we don't have a car so we are on a level playing field in my house!

I would be questioning very harshly why he doesn't want you to have the freedom of your own transport, and the ability to get yourself from a to b without him.

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:55

At the moment I rely on him, have done for the last 10 years. But I live in the countryside in Cornwall, and if I start a family I'm going to need to get kids to the doctors etc and don't fancy doing it in the rain/snow!

I think he is worried that I will leave him if I have my own car, but at the moment I am planning that without a driving license!!! (test due at the end of March)

He has been fine about it so far, its like he has just realised that I will have some independance and he's put his foot down.Dont know whether to make astand on this issue or not :(

OP posts:
BudaBabe · 02/03/2006 10:56

The insecurity is HIS issue not yours. If and when you do have children your life will be some much easier if you drive. Do it.

BudaBabe · 02/03/2006 10:57

Point out that you can leave by plane, train, boat, bus or on your own two feet!!!!

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 10:58

Hi Strappy.

Weclome to MN Smile

It sounds to me like your DH is a bit of afraid of the independence having a driving licence will bring you, he IS being controlling. I don't think you need to end your marriage over this but you do need to sit down and talk it through properly, make him understand why a driving licence is important to you.

Re selling your car, if he is concerned about you will pay to run your car when you are on mat leave, then it would be useful for you to a forecast of what the cost of running the car will be during that period (factor in petrol, road tax, insurance and any servicing due in that period). That way you can look at the figures and work out if it is too expensive as he says or if not, you can show him them and show him that his argument is invalid. Although TBH, i don't think this is a financial issue, it seems like he is using that as a more platable cover for his insecurities.

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:58

Yep, I agree his argument is ridiculous, what I think he is saying is "don't do this, I don't want you to have this freedom" which is awful I know. we have so muchy in common but he is such a contreol freak - but I want a baby so much I am almost willing to back down and do what he says. I know this is wrong but don'tknow how to convince him...

OP posts:
Kelly1978 · 02/03/2006 10:59

You have to make a stand. If you let him control you then he will think he can put his foot down whenever he likes. If you let him control this, what is next? You are entitled to learn to drive if you want to, and with a lo on the way you will really need a car if you are out in the sticks. And if he is that worried about losing you then the relationship isn't going to end over a driving license. Good luck with your test!

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:00

DO NOT BACK DOWN !

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:01

eek, my spelling has gone to pot, apologies to all the grammar and sp pedants!

Thank you all for responses so far, we just seem to end up screaming at each other if we try to discuss it. I have suggested Relate, but he is og the 1950's men don't discuss their emotiosn school and thinks its all selfindulgent pyschobabble.

Oh god, I don't want to leave him, I love him so much other than this problem,

OP posts:
acnebride · 02/03/2006 11:02

I must apologise that I'm not rational on this subject - I regard learning to drive as close to a human right. The father of a friend of mine at school refused to teach my friend to drive because she might have damaged his car, and also refused to pay for driving lessons in somebody else's car; I regarded it then and still regard it as one of the most unbelievably selfish things a father could do to his daughter.

I don't have to spell out the kinds of scenarios where being able to drive (not owning a car) could really help a parent of a small child.

It would be good if he could tell you why he really doesn't want you to drive, but nothing he feels about it should stop you learning.

Mazzystar · 02/03/2006 11:03

Tell him not to feel insecure, once you have a baby you'll be depending on him enough!

I can't drive myself (though I prefer to say I don't) but I live 5 minutes from a local station to take me to town and everything I need is 5 minutes walk away. But in your situation - especially with a child - I would have thought it was vital.

Feistybird · 02/03/2006 11:03

He doesn't own you and he shouldn't think he can make your decisions for you.

You are a grown woman - you want to learn to drive, then just do it.

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:06

He has decided (during screaming match at 7:30 am this morning) that if I carry on with this our mareriage will be over.

I am planning to call his bluff and go and stay with a friend tonight. Will drive if I have to. I know he is trying to blackmail me in to doing what he wants, but I love him and have been looking forwrad to starting a family so much, I just wish he would back down on this.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/03/2006 11:09

Don't you dare back down! If you give on this, he'll know he's the boss, and you'll be stuck with him pushing you around until you lose your patience and leave.

cupcakes · 02/03/2006 11:09

do you really want to start a family with a man like this? I think his behaviour is appalling.

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:10

God yes, I totally agree with Kelly & NotQuiteCockney

Mazzystar · 02/03/2006 11:11

does he - er- have some other issues going on? what is making him so insecure?

BudaBabe · 02/03/2006 11:14

Please don't give in to him. He seems to have a huge problem that is not just about you driving.

My Dad never encouraged any of us to learn to drive (my Mum doesn't either). I have 3 sisters and now we all drive and my Mum really regrets not learning. Although I learnt to drive quite a few years ago I have only been driving regularly for about 2 years. Cannot imagine how I managed before. Certainly cannot imagine how I would deal with having a child without driving.

Be strong!

hunkermunker · 02/03/2006 11:14

If he's like this over one thing, he'll be like it over others - especially if you back down.

OK, you can have a baby and not have a car (personally find it easier with a car, having done it without when DS1 was a baby), but you can't have a baby with a partner as controlling as this and not go mad.