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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I end my marriage over learning to dirve?

171 replies

Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:49

Hi Ladies

I have been lurking for over a year and unforunately my first thread is a relationship crisis, not an amusing mooncup saga.

DH and I are TTC, but last night we had a massive row over my learning to drive. He says I am only doing it as everyone else says I should, and that we will have to sell my little car when I go on mat. leave (it cost £300 and I'm not even pg yet!)

I think he is being controlling, he is very insecure but learning to drive is very important to me. I love him and desperately want to start a fmaily with him, but this issue is really important to me. Do I end my marriage over learning to drive?

Help please, don't care if its harsh but please help!!!

OP posts:

Gloworm · 02/03/2006 12:08

has he actually said why he doesnt want you driving? or does he just fight about it without really giving any good reasons?

I am the opposite My husband practically make me start driving, I hated the thought of it, but once I did it once I was grand. I passed my test 12 years ago and cant believe I left it so long, its fantastic not having to walk everywhere or rely on someone for a lift (we live in a rural area too)

Have you tried explaining to him why its so important to you? (i'm sure you have but cant think of any advice to give you)

throckenholt · 02/03/2006 12:08

I'm an evil cow

If my DH had ever called me that he would be in big trouble.

Seems to be a lot of respect for you in your relationship.

misdee · 02/03/2006 12:09

my dh never wanted me to learn to drive. said there was no point as he could drive and did take me most places. i had lessons on and off for 2years but without support from my dh found it hard going, plus we were involved in a pretty head crash with a lorry which scared me. Then last year my dh became a long term hospital patient, then had an ICD fitted, so he wasnt allowed to drive. We had 3 kids, one was a couple of months old when he had to stop drving. so i knuckled down and did my lessons. my dh was 100% behind me this time, and really encourgaed me, when i felt like giving up he wouldnt let me. I passed my test in september and its been great. i still have fears of driving, but they are getting less. it has been one of the best things i have ever done.

Original poster

Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:12

DesperateScousewife - all opinions gratefully received, that's why I'm here!

Gloworm, he is trying to pass this off as a "all your pyscho manhating friends are pushing you to do this so we will fight and split up"

Um, why would they bother? People who stress how important driving is just seem to have my best interests at heart.

He is being irrational in the face of something he is not comfortable with, jst not sure if I can get a positive ending to this problem. Time will tell, at about 5:30 tonight when he gets in!!!

OP posts:

BudaBabe · 02/03/2006 12:12

Strappy - other than the other man, have you ever found out why his XP left? Maybe he tried controlling her too?

He can't cope with you growing up. AFter his XP left he needed someone malleable and at 17 you were. Now he is using the driving as a sort of test to see if you give in. If you do he is still in control. If you don't, you will either split up - proving him right OR he will find another way to control you.

The wages thing is a huge issue.

If you did split, I would put money on him ending up with another 17 year old. More control.

WideWebWitch · 02/03/2006 12:13

Good lord, please don't have children with this man, he has some serious issues by the sound of it. My advice would be

Book driving lessons if you want them
leave him if he can't cope with it
If he decides to cope and IF you want to stay with him get some counselling so an impartial 3rd party can tell him he is being unreasonable and controlling
STOP handing your wages over to him

You have plenty of time to meet someone lovely and have children with them, this man doesn't sound remotely worthy.

Flossam · 02/03/2006 12:15

DP learned to drive last year. Its fantastic atm that we just have a car between us. But while I get about OK with DS in London, in a smaller city with less public transport I think I would need to be able to drive before I have another. Also would make life sooo much easier to not have to get on and off buses at 8am in the morning on the way to work to drop off DS at a c/m. Dp wants me to learn too, so something to do when we know where we are with our money a bit after the move.

IMO if DH is trying to be so controlling over something that is ultimately your decision I would be worried.

Original poster

Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:16

throckenhalt - I agree. Things are fine as long as he is happy, if I am unhappy I am apparently evil and insane. I would happily give up if I didn;t know that he can be funny, generous and kind. Just wish he would be more consistant.

OP posts:

desperateSCOUSEwife · 02/03/2006 12:17

strappy glad you havent taken offence:)
tell him to talk to the hand

Original poster

Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:18

WWW - I am having lessons, I am alsmost ready for my test. He has just gone nuts last night on this subject and I don't know why. But is is so im,portant to me and everyone seems to agree that I need to do this. He has been fine about it until now, but has suddenly decided that if I insist on having a car/driving licence he will hold it against me forever.

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 02/03/2006 12:19

Strappy this isn’t about ending your marriage over learning to drive, it goes a lot deeper than that. You say that you hand over your wages and therefore rely on him fo money – do you not have a joint bank account? Who was it that suggested you hand over your wages? You? Or him? I think the wages is more of an issue than the driving tbh.

You have to do what you want to do. If you earn your own money and you don’t have a joint bank account, then tell your DH that you’re keeping some of your money, less your share of the bills, to pay for your driving lessons, insurance, petrol etc, after all, if he has his money then you ar just as entitled to yours.

It is possible to be without a licence – I don’t have a licence and will never be able to get one, but if you don’t want to be without one then you shouldn’t be, if you want to learn then go for it. And in the meantime I would seriously not even consider having a child with this man.

lahdeedah · 02/03/2006 12:20

I do think you need to attempt to have a calm conversation with him about what exactly his concerns are, or even try counselling. But if he persists in calling you an evil cow, then it's probably time to call it a day. I certainly wouldn't have a child with a man who treated me like that. If you can find a way to work it out with him, then that's great. But remember you are still young and deserve someone loving and supportive to be the father of your children.

Original poster

Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:21

misdee - thanks for your input, I have tried ask him what would I do if the baby got seriously ill and I had to get to hospital quickly? Ambulances around here take approx 30 mins and he works 40 miles away!! He just ignores questions he doesn't like, so frustrating.

OP posts:

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 12:21

He has to show this 'funny, generous and kind' face every now and again as a way of putting doubts about leaving in your mind. If he always showed his nasty side, you'd realise that there was no future and that you were being treated like shite (sorry). If he's nice once in a blue moon then it makes you think there's a glimmer of hope.

WideWebWitch · 02/03/2006 12:27

Oh right, Strappy. Well in that case in your position I'd book my test and drive right out of his life tbh, as fast as I could. Honestly, it's hard enough (but worth it, obv as you'll have read here) having children with someone supportive, loving and all other wonderful things, I cannot imagine how horrendous it would be to have them with someone controlling and unsupportive. Honestly, I'd get out of there.

Original poster

Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:31

NDP - correct. We are usually so close, we do everything together, finish each others sentences, real scray stuff! But occasionally he acts like this and I wonder who I married.

If he was consistently horrid it would be easy, but this just pops up every now and then, and makes me question everything

OP posts:

desperateSCOUSEwife · 02/03/2006 12:31

strappy imo think he has a complex
if you can drive and have a car
he does not know, where, what or who you are with and/are doing
that is the issue underneath all of this

as for the asking for money
whoa
bad move
dont go there

Original poster

Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:34

DSW - but I have never done anything to merit this distrust!!! I guess he will either decide he loves me enough to get over it - or that he doesn't wat to be with me and that will be the end of that.

It's just so scary, he's all I know.

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 02/03/2006 12:35

but strappy saying that your marriage is over because he's said something and you're not backing down is emotional blackmail. If you back down on this then he will know he has the upper hand. If you call his bluff and go and stay at your friend's then he will hopefully show his true colours, if he sees it through and says after that that the marriage is over, then walk away, you deserve better.

throckenholt · 02/03/2006 12:36

It's just so scary, he's all I know.

sort things out now - you don't want to be saying that 10 years down the line when you are 37, and have 2 kids in tow.

wannaBe1974 · 02/03/2006 12:37

I would try and talk it through tonight before you go to your friend's though. ask him if he meant it, if he says that he means it, and that he's ending your marriage because you want your driver's licence, then tell him he's behaving like a child and you thought you'd married a man but .. oh well, guess you got it wrong, and then leave. hmmm wonder if you could put on the divorce papers that the reason for divorce was because "my wife wanted to learn to drive".

kama · 02/03/2006 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

desperateSCOUSEwife · 02/03/2006 12:38

strappy you dont have to do anything to earn the mistrust
just some men are like this
especially if they had bad relationships in past
I really do sympathise with you

but at the end of the day
you only have one life, do the things you want to do

NotQuiteCockney · 02/03/2006 12:40

He could put that she wanted her own way?

Which sounds like a good reason to divorce, except that whether or not Strappy learns to drive should be up to her ...

uwila · 02/03/2006 12:40

Strappy, did he ask your permission to get his license? Does he ask you if it's okay to drive "his" car to work? And another thing, is "his" car in his name only?

There is something very unequal going on here. And I think it stinks. Please, woman, stand up for yourself. No need to be rude or even to pack your bags. Just politely tell him what YOU have decided and then go get your license.

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