Do I end my marriage over learning to dirve?

[Strappy]

Hi Ladies

I have been lurking for over a year and unforunately my first thread is a relationship crisis, not an amusing mooncup saga.

DH and I are TTC, but last night we had a massive row over my learning to drive. He says I am only doing it as everyone else says I should, and that we will have to sell my little car when I go on mat. leave (it cost £300 and I'm not even pg yet!)

I think he is being controlling, he is very insecure but learning to drive is very important to me. I love him and desperately want to start a fmaily with him, but this issue is really important to me. Do I end my marriage over learning to drive?

Help please, don't care if its harsh but please help!!!

Oh, and how old are you?

I'm 27 (feel about 5 at the minute tho)

I do have a separate bank account but its not used. I blew 4k inheritance at college hence he says he will never trust me with money again and insists on dealing with the finances.

Hi parents are Ok but well oldfashioned. Bought him up to be fairly xenophobic/homophobic. He is 37.

he sounds like a right charmer.... Sorry, but the more I read of this, the more i think I'd just cut my losses in your position

You blew 4 k???? When i went to uni (in the states) I partied my way through $65,000. I had a lovely time. Of course tuition is expensive in the states. But, then, so was sorority life.

Anyway, it isn't up to him where you put your money and who controls it. If he says he won't allow you put you money in there (and don't ask him by the way just do it), tell him you've decided not to allow him to control his money.

And, another thing, 1/3 less money than him is a pretty good income. I only earn about 1/2 of what DH makes. We had (okay HAVE) some debt problems and so we each now have our own bank accounts and we are each responsible for certain bills. For example, I do childcare, groceries, and anything else associated with the kids. Basically the household expenses are diveded in proportion to our respective incomes.

Strappy

Start using that separate bank account of yours.

Okay so you made a mistake with the 4K at college and blew the lot - you're not the first one to have done this and you certainly will not be the last. You were in your late teens at the time, I would actually cast some blame on the people who handed over the cash to you, you had it too young.

Don't let him keep beating you up emotionally over it. Its yet another way of controlling you and keeping you in the gilded cage of his making.

Bet this guy swept you off your feet and sought early commitment from you. Am I right?.

Actually I kind of moved in with him of my own accord. My first love, I was besotted and wanted to be with him 24/7 - as you do at first. We have been together 10 years but only got married 14 months ago. Feel pretty silly now.

I guess he has always been controlling, it just hasn't bothered me until now. I've just looked at the Lundy Bancroft pages on Amazon which ring a lot of bells. Think I need some time out from this situation tbh.

Hi Strappy, I think I know how you feel. After deciding to learn to drive (quite a few years ago) after countless lessons and failing 4 driving tests I was really depressed and fed up and my wonderfully supportive ex's advice was may be I wasn't meant to be a driver and also pointed out all the money I was wasting each time I failed a test(even though I was paying for the lessons and tests and not him). I felt really depressed and totally useless and on the verge of quiting. After we split (which was nothing to do with driving lessons) I met a wonderful man who along with my great and supportive mum and fantastic driving instructor convinced me that what he was saying was utter rubbish, and I didn't give up and I'm so glad I didn't listen to him and that I carried on and on my fifth attempt I passed and it felt wonderful to prove my ex wrong . So my advice to you is not to give up, it will make so much difference in your life. Good Luck.

Strappy, it is simply not for him to "trust you with money" or not. You're a grown woman and it's your money. A lot of what you say suggests over the years you've let the way he sees things colour your view of the world too - understandable as you have been so isolated and controlled. But there's also a part of youy that can see it's all wrong - the way you said you'd "bravely admit" to us that you hand over your pay, for example. That makes me think you can change this situation if you want to.

Remember also your isolation ends here - although I understand you'd like to make more friends in RL (and I'm sure you will), Mumsnet will provide you with support and friendship whatever you decide.

Are you logged on at work? I imagine he wouldn't be too keen on you doing this?

snowleopard - I called in sick this morning. Id never normally do that but I didn't get much sleep last night and continued screaming this morning made me feel not up to it.

He would be furious if he knew I was discussing this with"strangers" or anyone else for that matter

I agree with Uwila ( ) about the money and bank account, absolutely.

I bet he would, he'd like you to think he's reasonable but he's not. And the minute you talk to anyone else you can see that and this is why he wouldn't like it. Not when he's got you where he wants you. £4k at college sounds like a good investment to me btw!

By I bet he would I meant I bet he would be furious if he knew you were discussing this with anyone.

sounds like he has always been the adult figure in your relationship - which when you were 17 may have suited - but now at 27 you are well and truly and adult in your own right and need to be treated as such. That age gap is not as big now as it was when you were 17 - you can make your own decisions about what happens in your life (be it money ot whatever) - after discussion with whoever you feel may be approriate. If he won't let you do that, you will become increasingly resentful.

So I guess it may be crunch point - let you be an adult (and make mistakes like the rest of us) or you go your separate ways. Whichever option you go for it is not going to be very nice for a while .

Come here if you need some emotional support or practical advice.

Strappy ..it is not you who is threatening to end the r'ship it is him ...you are just saying you want to learn to drive, he is the one saying 'if you do its over'. If it comes to you leaving dont let him give you any of that "you'll break up our marriage over a car?" crap - make sure he knows that its him who is breaking the marriage by trying to control you. By the way agree about you needing your own account ...don't give him your wages any more. 4K is nothing to spend in college ..there's no way anyone can survive on the measly student loans ...I blew a £10k inheritance in college myself :)
Oh and believe me if he's controlling it won't just stop with the driving ..it'll get worse (been there), as you get more confident he'll get more controlling - you either become a little mouse doing whatever he says or he goes to counselling to sort this out ...there isnt an alternative ..it won't just go away if you ignore it. Good luck ..you will have loads of support here.

so you blew 4k at college, so what. It was 10 years ago and you've become an adult since then. There's a difference between someone controlling the finances because one party of the house does and someone doing it because they want control of the money. My DH controls the finances in our house, pays the bills, downloads the statements into msn money and keeps a general eye on how things are going, but never, not ever would he make me ask for money, even though I'm a sahm and he is the earner. What you need to do is take control of your life.

I'm guessing as you say you do have an account that your h has an account in his name and that you give him all the money and he controls all of it and gives you cash if you need it? I might be way off the mark here so correct me if I'm wrong. But if I'm right then you should:

firstly go into work tomorrow and speak to your payrole department and give them change of account details so that your salary will be paid into your bank account from now on. Next it depends on what you decide to do about your marriage. If you're going to stay, then sit down with your dh and say that you've decided to take control of your money now because you're not a child and although you made a mistake way back, you've learned from it and now wish to have your own money to pay for things you want to do, driving lessons etc. Then have a look at all the bills, rent, utilities, phone bill etc, for those you will need a joint bank account so go into the bank and set up a joint account, then, dependent on how much you earn, work out how much you need to contribute to the house and how much your DH needs to contribute, then set up a direct debit from your account to that account to cover the bills. The rest of the money you keep to pay for the things you want, and of course need to bear in mind other costs which may arise which you might have to contribute towards.

I find it inconceiveable how couples do have their own accounts as me and DH have a joint account and always have had and the money has just all gone in there and we've spent is as required, but with someone who seems so controlling I would resort to this kind of drastic action. If your DH says that he doesn't trust you and that you must give him the money, then tell him that it is your money, and although you understand that in a marriage things should be equal that's how you want to play it for now because he is not your boss and does not need to control you.

Meant to add,
you said
'he is just so good at turning everything I say round on me in an argument'
Remember - you don't have to convince him, you know you are within your rights to want to learn to drive and be in charge of your own money - you don't need to convince him in order to do it- just do it:)

You've already worked this out, but having a baby with this man is a very very very bad idea.

Your money is your money. The £4K you blew at college was your money. It's none of his business (well, it's some of his business since you are married, but only to the same extent that it's your business what he does with his money. And his burbling on about not trusting you with money is so far out of order it's unreal). Start paying it into your own account right now and tell him you will be happy to discuss setting up a joint account that you can both pay some money into for joint expenses. It is really quite scary that he is so controlling; I think it would be extremely unfair on any child to present him/her with a father like that.

You need to learn to drive. You need to learn to handle your own finances. You need to do all the stuff that he's been stopping you from doing. It would be really great if he can be mature enough to cope with that and change himself, but from what you say it does sound unlikely.

You will not be "ending your marriage over learning to drive".

If the "real" DH is the kind, generous and funny bloke you fell in love with, then there's no need for the marriage to end at all - he can use his reserves of kindness and generosity to help him adjust to the changing priorities within your relationship, and put the wonderful connection the two of you have towards trying to genuinely see things from your point of view.

If, however, the "real" DH is the controlling insecure bigot who doesn't trust you to handle money, calls you evil and insane, and begrudges you even the tiny amount of independence that a driving licence would offer, then it's very likely that he may choose to end the marriage. But in that case (a) it's absolutely 100% him who is making that decision -- do not let him guilt trip you over it, and (b) you will be better off without him. If those are the things that are important to him then he's not suitable to be a father, and as you want children so much you ought to be with someone who will make a good father.

Where do you go to make friends? If you want to make friends who like art and literature and history and "high culture" then you need to hang out in the sorts of places that those people will be likely to go.

For example, what about \link{http://www.ncarts.org.uk/about.htm\North Cornwall Arts} -- not sure where in Cornwall you are (and just to complicate matters, the Arts Council England, South West is in the middle of a review of Cornish arts organisations) but they have events you might be interested in attending and also want volunteers to help out. The type of people you'd be likely to meet there are probably less likely to be only interested in clubbing and the Beckhams.

Try the discussion forums at \link{http://www.abebooks.com\Abebooks} for discussion on literature (and on a fair number of unrelated subjects, but it's discussion by people who all share a love of literature even if they don't always agree about it) -- it can seem a bit cliquey at first but it's fine to just dive in. There may be someone near you geographically, too.

LeahE - that was an ace reply thank you. Re-reading my disparaging remarks about my mates that are into celebs/clubbing I feel awful, they are great people , we just don't have much in common I guess.

This is fear of the unknown I think, my heart says I want him, I'll miss him, I don't want him out of my life - my head says why?

My BF used to be married to someone like this, he was so controlling it was breathtaking, even when we were young our group could see that she was being controlled.

She eventuallly left him, only to go back pretty quickly, he was allegedly on his best behaviour. She finally realised that she was being controlled when he asked her three months after she moved back in, what are you doing with your bonus ? She replied, banking it for the time being and he told her to hand it over as they needed a new patio.

She left two weeks later and has never looked back.

Of course you'll miss him, you've been together all of your adult life, you can't imagine life without him. You may be imagining a lonely life, alone and scared without his guidance etc...try flipping this and imagine an exciting time of making new friends and rediscovering old ones, trying new things, going new places and most of all "finding yourself" (cliche but true) oh and lots of love probably, and sooner than you expect :)

Strappy, for what it's worth I'm not really convinced that your marriage is beyond repair. I just think you need to stand up for yourself and initiate some changes. It may well be that your husband will accpet them. You have a right to me happy whether that is inside or outside of your marriage only you and your dh can decide. But please prepare yourslef (and the baby you may soon be carrying) for both scenarios.

Uwila - I desparately hope it isn't over, but as you say this needs addressing. I am getting nervous now because he is due home in an hour or so. Must go and do some breathing execises, I can get pretty shrill when upset! I'm surprised the neighbours didn't complain this morning

And.... you are going to send you paycheck to your bank account, right?????

You might wrap this up into an overall budget review. Make a list of all bills, and tell him that you are aware that he doesn't trust you and so you are going to show him that you can be trusted. So you will put a, b, and c in your name and pay those bills. Literally split the household bills so that you pay proportional to your salary amount and also make sure your perks equal his. For example, if he drives a BMW and the associated bills count as household expense, then you go buy a nice mercedes and those bills will also be household expenses. None of this he gets a car you get a heap of crap runaround... That's not on. You need a big budget overhall.

Good luck this afternoon Strappy!

And another thing, if you are pregnant, maternity clotes are not a special perk but a very unfortunate consequence of being pregnant. Pregnancy and all it's associated necesities are bloody hard work. Never let him say "but you bought that expensive maternity dress..." Things require to support the miserable state of pregnancy are not perks, but required medical support for your labours (pardon the pun).