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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I end my marriage over learning to dirve?

171 replies

Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:49

Hi Ladies

I have been lurking for over a year and unforunately my first thread is a relationship crisis, not an amusing mooncup saga.

DH and I are TTC, but last night we had a massive row over my learning to drive. He says I am only doing it as everyone else says I should, and that we will have to sell my little car when I go on mat. leave (it cost £300 and I'm not even pg yet!)

I think he is being controlling, he is very insecure but learning to drive is very important to me. I love him and desperately want to start a fmaily with him, but this issue is really important to me. Do I end my marriage over learning to drive?

Help please, don't care if its harsh but please help!!!

OP posts:

uwila · 02/03/2006 16:08

Oh yes, and good luck.

quanglewangle · 02/03/2006 16:27

Haven't finished reading but got to the bit about wages and 11 years older and just had to post a message. I have a friend in a similar situation - married at 18, he's more than 10 years older and totally, totally controlling. She has just left him - she is 48 now - PLEASE don't leave it that long!!!

He controlled all the finances, kept her short of money after the children arrived. She is now in debt and he won't help. No help with the kids or the house either, not even driving her around. Your dh may not be as bad as that but neither was her dh to start with.

Good luck, you have to fight your corner now before it is too late.

quanglewangle · 02/03/2006 16:52

Strappy, he is a bully. If you let him have his own way he'll learn he can control you and will do so. The peace at any price strategy doesn't work. You'll just lurch from one issue to another.

quanglewangle · 02/03/2006 17:36

Sorry, it's me again strappy. This is a problem very close to my heart at the moment as I am helping my friend through a similar situation and there are so many parallels.

I just want to reiterate that you must not have children with him. It is hard to stand up to him now but just imagine what it would be like with kids around. It ends up as peace at any price for the sake of the children, as my friend found out, and the situation then just gets worse and worse. And the comments about jealosy or resentment of the children are regretably too true.

She regrets ignoring tell tale signs that were there from the start. Please don't under-estimate their importance.

snowleopard · 02/03/2006 20:14

Strappy, I know you're probably not online now but have been reflecting... one thing that occurs to me is that contrary to appearances, you have the power here. You know you could survive without him, though you'd miss him - and you have your own income and no kids so you are actually not dependent on him. He is desperately dependent on you - all his extremely controlling behaviours are driven by his pathological fear of being left. Don't forget that.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/03/2006 20:24

Hey, so how did that conversation go?

uwila · 03/03/2006 07:49

Update, please?

Gloworm · 03/03/2006 09:51

I think she said it would be the end of the week before she would be able to give an update.
wasn't she off work yesterday? I guess she wont be on mumsnet at work (unlike 100 other people I could mention ), and I suppose she wont be on here in the evening when her husband is at work?

Hope everything has taken a turn for the better strappy.

AggiePanther · 03/03/2006 18:51

Any news? How did it go Strappy?

Gloworm · 05/03/2006 12:14

just wondered how things are going with you strappy? hope you have managed to sort something out with your DH one way or another.

verysadthistime · 05/03/2006 14:45

Strappy,Just caught this thread as a man I have to agree with all the posters on here.

He is being a controlling jerk.

You have to stand your ground, because it isn't about driving ( that is just for now).

About the money I can't understand why you both don't pay into joint account and take out what ever you need, I can understand why he is happy, but you are a COUPLE ( i.e equal)

You are at a massive stage in your life, when you get into your thirties you will become even more powerful and if he can't deal with a little thing like driving now, he'll have a coronary when you say things like " I want to go on holiday on my own" later down the line.

You have to make a stand, If he loves you ( and in his way he probably does) he will have to see sense.

Get him to read something on " Control issues", it might make him see that his behavoir is wrong and very documented and is not something he should be proud of.

I feel for you.

But for your sanity and future life, you have to stand firm.

Best

vstt

quanglewangle · 06/03/2006 16:30

Hello Strappy, hope your weekend wasn't too bad.
I expect you aren't able to get online, but I am dying to know how everything panned out. The suspense is killing me.

uwila · 06/03/2006 16:52

Oh Strappy....... we want an update..... PLEASE

NomDePlume · 09/03/2006 13:21

Strappy ?

AggiePanther · 13/03/2006 23:17

any news?

kalex · 21/03/2006 20:22

were we trolled ?

snowleopard · 21/03/2006 20:35

I don't think so kalex. Strappy did reply to others' posts and engaged in a long conversation unlike a typical troll.

In the unlikely event that we were, so what - if not, I would hate Strappy to come back to this thread and feel doubted.

I was wondering about all this just today actually - so Strappy if you are reading this, hope all is OK.

jmum6 · 21/03/2006 20:39

Have read several threads where you wonder if you've been trolled.

What does that mean? Sorry fairly new at this!!

Nightynight · 21/03/2006 21:46

jmum, a troll is someone who posts on MN with a fantasy life, usually something like an intimate sex problem, trying to lure people into replying. Very sad, eh, but they apparently get a kick out of it.

I thought that what strappy is describing sounds like a typical controlling relationship, and I wish her lots of strength and luck getting out of it.
giveaway symptoms are:
dh said to be scared and insecure due to previous experience of being betrayed
dh pulls rank due to being much older than her
dh isolates her from other people by discouraging friendships except for him
dh controls the money, and access to life outside the home (she has to rely on him for lifts)
dh is fascinating and she loves him (yes, this is often true in controlling relationships)

quanglewangle · 22/03/2006 10:00

She said her test is at the end of March - that could be any day now. Maybe she is going to update us after the test. Assuming she takes it and I hope she does.

hunkermunker · 27/03/2006 16:08

Strappy, have you taken your test yet?

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