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Original poster

Do I end my marriage over learning to dirve?

171 replies

Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:49

Hi Ladies

I have been lurking for over a year and unforunately my first thread is a relationship crisis, not an amusing mooncup saga.

DH and I are TTC, but last night we had a massive row over my learning to drive. He says I am only doing it as everyone else says I should, and that we will have to sell my little car when I go on mat. leave (it cost £300 and I'm not even pg yet!)

I think he is being controlling, he is very insecure but learning to drive is very important to me. I love him and desperately want to start a fmaily with him, but this issue is really important to me. Do I end my marriage over learning to drive?

Help please, don't care if its harsh but please help!!!

OP posts:
ponygirl · 02/03/2006 11:15

Stick to your guns Strappy! Call his bluff. Can't believe he'd leave you over this, and if he would, what does that say about his commitment to you and the family you that want to have together?

I live in rural Devon and you have to have a car! It's not like you live in the middle of a city! Driving is fantastic. Does he not realise that you're more likely to leave him if he tries to stop you learning than if he doesn't?!

Good luck!

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:15

I made a rod for my own back years ago, in that I was only 17 when we got together and I repeatedly gave in over little things that I should have stood up for myself on.

This has made life very difficult now that I'm 27 and a little more aware of acceptable behaviour. Just reading through the threads on here has made me realise that his behaviour is worrying. I guess being loved at the cost of your freedom/sanity is just not enough.

Ok, overwhelming opinion seems to be to stand by my guns, when he gets in from work i will let him get in the door, and then ask if he really wants to end it over this. If he gets stubborn and says yes I am off to my friends for the night. I guess if he thinks about and wants to change his mind he can call me :( This is so hard, he is my first love and we do everything together. We are totally insular and I am very scared but determined.

Thanks to all for replies, Mumsnet is brilliant and I wasn't expecting any response being a newbie.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 02/03/2006 11:16

whether you have kids or not it is ridiculous to say you should not learn to drive - there are many scenarios you can imagine where you might need to be able to drive - particularly if you live in a rural area (I live in rural Norfolk).

But it is doubly important if you do have kids - nothing worse than being stuck in the middle of nowhere trying to get other people to ferry you about.

It does not mean you have to spend a fortune on a car - but it does me you all benefit from the extra flexibilty.

If your DH realy has a problem with this - then I think you are wrong - he (and you as a couple) have a much bigger problem - and one that you need to sort out before you have kids (Sorry Sad). If he seriously considers it worth ending the marriage over then you do have big issues that have been hidden in the past.

If you argue about it - try putting it in writing - write down all the pors and cons of you driving as you see it, and ask him to do the same - and then exchange your lists - that at least will give you an idea of what the other one is thinking and give you somewhere constructive to start talks with.

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:18

BudaBabe, I think mine and DH's parents must have been in the minority where driving in concerned. Neither of my parents could drive when I was small, my Mum passed her test when she was in her early/mid 30's (I was about 9 or 10) and my father never learned as far as I know (haven't seen him since i was 12). DH's parents were pretty unusual in that his Dad never learned to drive, in fact he never so much as sat in the drivers seat of a car in his life, whereas DH's Mum had been driving since she was in her teens.

acnebride · 02/03/2006 11:19

It depends if you want to end it; it doesn't sound like you are sure? He is the one who has made this issue about you leaving; I would say 'I am sorry you are upset about it but my first driving lesson is booked for next Wednesday' and see what the reaction is. Why should you be the one to leave? Is it his house?

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:20

Strappy, being loved at the cost of your freedom/sanity is DEFINITELY not enough. Someone who truly loves you will not ask you sacrifice both in such a way.

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:21

acnebridge, they are marrried so surely the house is 'theirs' in the eyes of the law.

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:22

hahahaha @ 'acnebridge', obv I meant acnebride !

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:22

Cheers Throckenhalt - I did leave once before (he weas smoking a lot of dope and our relationship was suffering) and although it involved lots of tears on both sides he gave up and things were better.

I am so hoping that calling his bluff will work, not sure I'd ever find another guy who would put up with my National Trust addictrion (I am a commited lentil weaver) - It just seems such a huge reaction, but I do realise that this showcases his serious insecurity.

His first love of 7 years ran off with his best mate, has left him horribly scarred and untrusting :(

OP posts:
Kelly1978 · 02/03/2006 11:23

strappy, I think what you ave said is a very good idea. Let him know that you are not going to be dominated, even if it does mean going to a friend's for the night. It will be a start to getting your relationship on a more even footing. It would be a good idea to sort this issue now, before bringing a baby into it which is inevitably going to make you more dependant on him. Let him know that you love him but you aren't going to be walked over!

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:24

NDP and Acnebride - house is rented, he was here first. I guess that means I have to leave - other option is staying in a hostile environment I think!

OP posts:
lahdeedah · 02/03/2006 11:26

Strappy - you poor thing. What a bizarre situation to be in. I agree with what has already been said - don't give in to him. Being able to drive makes such a difference when you have small children.

I'm not sure you walking out is such a good idea though. I think you should just calmly state your case, tell him you are going ahead with it and leave it at that. He is the one being completely irrational, so why should you have to leave your own house??

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, good luck. Smile

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:26

strappy, if your name isn't on the current tenancy agreement then you prob will have to move out. TBH, your DH sounds like a bit of a bully Sad

Bozza · 02/03/2006 11:26

Strappy I wouldn't do this going to stay with your friend bit I would carry on with your driving lessons and if he says he wants to end the marriage tell him that it is his perogative to move out if he wishes. I cannot believe he has let you get so far that you have your test this month and then is going like this about it.

BudaBabe · 02/03/2006 11:27

NDP - my Dad drives but never encouraged any of us esp my Mum. I think it is a real shame as it would have done her confidence no end of good - she's quite insecure. He never taught any of us - prob just as well as he is not the most patient person in the world!!

The more I think about this though Strappy the more I feel it is more about you "growing up" - you were so young when you got together. Is he a lot older than you? I am assuming you have tried to reassure him but if I were you I would rally try to get him to Relate or something. My DH is as stiff-upper-lip as you can get but has been to counselling with me a few times. He would rather do that then lose me. If he hadn't we wouldn't be together now.

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:29

lahdeedah and bozza make a very good point about leaving. I always find that staying and talking with DH is much better than if one of us walks out during a row, it's hard to come back into the house again once you have left, IYSWIM.

BudaBabe · 02/03/2006 11:30

Aah! Just read that his XP left him for someone else! Of course! (Wasn't a driving instructer by any chance??!) He is terrified that you will leave him. But of course is pushing himself and you into a position where you will fulfill his fears and therefore prove him right. Everyone leaves him.

Bozza · 02/03/2006 11:32

Is your DH quite a bit older than you strappy? I don't think that his previous relationship should be having a detrimental effect on your current one 10 years down the line!

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:33

Ok, going to be brave and admit this now. I work fulltime, earn about a third less than he does and hand over my wages. So I am reliant on him for money. I have to ask.

If I saw someone else write this down, I would feel so sorry for her - and want to slap her at the same time (in the nicest possible way!)

I have no friends, all the girl I meet seem to be interested in clubbing and the beckhams, I just want to chat about books and art - and he is the only friend I have. God that sounds pathetic.

I am going to be billy nomates. The friend I was thinling of staying with is lovely, but another clubbing/fashion girl, we get on but I can;t stay with her forever!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:34

Bozza - he is 11 years older than me, good guess!

OP posts:
sophiecountessofwessex · 02/03/2006 11:34

your husband is an arse - if hes that bovvered tell him to use public transport with a baby - arse

Kelly1978 · 02/03/2006 11:35

oh, u are in a mess. Sad
How did you get into giving him your wages?

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:36

Oh strappy Sad, it sounds like he has been slowly and quietly isolating you and making you dependent on him over the years. I agree with whoever said that having a child in this relationship as it stands is a BIG mistake. If you feel trapped now, then you'll feel worse and it'll be 10 times harder to get out when you have his child.

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:36

sophiecouintessofwessex - that has to be cod right?! thank you, was expecting himm to get a MN pasting really, he is being indefencable

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/03/2006 11:36

Stop handing over your wages!

And there are loads of people out there who like books and art - your local library probably runs book groups.

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