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Original poster

Do I end my marriage over learning to dirve?

171 replies

Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:49

Hi Ladies

I have been lurking for over a year and unforunately my first thread is a relationship crisis, not an amusing mooncup saga.

DH and I are TTC, but last night we had a massive row over my learning to drive. He says I am only doing it as everyone else says I should, and that we will have to sell my little car when I go on mat. leave (it cost £300 and I'm not even pg yet!)

I think he is being controlling, he is very insecure but learning to drive is very important to me. I love him and desperately want to start a fmaily with him, but this issue is really important to me. Do I end my marriage over learning to drive?

Help please, don't care if its harsh but please help!!!

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:37

Strappy, my DH is 13.5 years older than me and was treated very badly by his first wife, but he would never, EVER treat me like this. His age and relationship history are not cast iron excuses for his behaviour.

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:37

Shit I have been kidding myself for so long, that as long as we were together everything was cool

OP posts:
throckenholt · 02/03/2006 11:38

oh strappy - you really have got yourself a situation there. You need to sit down as calmly and adulty as you can and go through the issues (money included). Otherwise go through relate.

I honestly don't think you should risk bringing kids into the equation at the moment - you could find yourself in a very unhappy situation a few years down the line when you finally decide you can't handle the limits he is putting on you (which are unreasonable).

You are going to have to work hard to get into a situation where you are both sharing the responsibilities and trusting each other to be sensible adults. I hope it works out for you. I think the driving is just the tip of an iceberg Sad

NotQuiteCockney · 02/03/2006 11:38

Please don't get pregnant by this tosser.

You need to get him to Relate, or chuck him.

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:40

Totally agree, I started looking at this site as I am seriously broody and wanted to learn as much as possible about motherhood - get the whole warts and all picture.

I think I have just learnt that we are no where near ready for a baby!

OP posts:
Bozza · 02/03/2006 11:41

I know strappy but now it is about what you do about the position you have got yourself in. The driving lessons seem to be the tip of the iceberg now this biggy about you handing over your wages has come out.

I agree with whoever said that a lot of what has happened is due to you growing up while is this relationship. If I had stayed with the bf I had when I was 17 I would have been in your position at 27 probably.

BTW it was a pretty educated guess about him being older deduced because you have been with him since you were 17 but he had had a previous 7 year relationship.

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:41

You may be ready for a baby but your relationship/H certainly aren't. Sorry Sad

NomDePlume · 02/03/2006 11:42

The wages thing is massive and much more worrying than the driving issue.

sophiecountessofwessex · 02/03/2006 11:44

i am not cod - how very dar you! i hope you get a mini Wink

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:45

Bozza - lol, I thought you were the Poirot of Mumsnet!! Have called my stepmother in France this morning for a good wail. Can't call my mum, she'd get too upset.

She said pretty much the same thing. I would love to stay and chat it through but he just gets irate and we end up screaming. Think he might need some time alone to think about it.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 02/03/2006 11:46

strappy - at least you are young - if you do back out of this marriage you still have lots of time to have kids with someone who will probably be much better for you.

NotQuiteCockney · 02/03/2006 11:46

It's also a good idea to be better at arguing civilly, before you have a baby. The first year of your first baby's life is hard on a relationship. You're both tired, stressed, worn out, and there's this small crying creature that can't tell you what's wrong.

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:46

sorry sophie, having read mumsnet for a while I was expecting a bit of tough love and I know that Cod is the high doyenne in that field.

OP posts:
sophiecountessofwessex · 02/03/2006 11:48

bollocks ..i am.

uwila · 02/03/2006 11:48

I'v only skimmed this, but want to add my support. You MUSt have a drivers license. I can't understand why some people don't. I couldn't live without my independence, and that includes my car.

Does your DH have a license? A car? So why shouldn't you?

Strange strange controlling behaviour if you ask me. I wouldn't stand for it.

uwila · 02/03/2006 11:49

Oh, and hurry up. Passing the test when your are 7+ months pregnant is not fun!

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:51

buggery hell why isn't life easy. I'm sure my mum told me I was destined for a lovely life with a handsome prince, why am I surprised that it hasn't turned out that way?!!

Will try and get thorugh to him, failing that I have a bag packed just in case...gulp

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 02/03/2006 11:52

Dunno if this will help.
Early on in my marriage, I really wanted to learn to drive, thought it would help to be able to get to and fro uni and stuff. Dp was dead set against it.....so I let it go.
I could have got my way and learned to drive, but I didn't really think in the great scheme of things it was worth the arguments.

So now, eight years and two children later, dp wants me to errrmmm learn to drive.... I don't now have the time, or the youthful inclination. Guess he's pissed off about the phone calls asking him to pick up a pint of milk/loaf of bread/butter etc on the way home.
I refuse to travel on the bus with a puschair and shopping, I don't have the nerves for it, I'd cry when the oap's start muttering at me for daring to board a bus with a pushchair.....

I do go out with the girls in the pushcahir, and really like walking, but I'm not about to go out of my way and do chores that would be done more easily if I'd had a car.

I think it may be worth sitting down and discussing the issue with your dh, does he drive?? In my case dp didn't at the time have British driving license, and I think that just added to his insecurities.....

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 11:55

fuzzy - yes he drives, it's been great in the past as when we go out I always get to drink and I've always been a bit scraed of it really. I'm very clumsy and was concerned about killing people, but since I';ve started lessons I think I'm actaully picking it up pretty well.

Just don't know why he has decided to throw his toys out of the pram about it now, why agree to lessons in the first place? He even bought me jewellry to celebrate passing my theory test.

WTF?????

OP posts:
Bozza · 02/03/2006 11:56

Must have just hit home to him that you are nearly there. Maybe he didn't exptect you to go through with it so was humouring you?

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:00

Bozza, spot on again! I'm sure he just agreed to it to keep my quiet and now has realised that I am on the verge of having my own transport. Mumsnet has made me more aware of "normal" behaviour in a relationship, he would freak if he knew I was discussing our problems here. Tough, I needed this and am massivley grateful for all responses recieved so far

OP posts:
lahdeedah · 02/03/2006 12:01

Agree with NQC - if you are having screaming matches over something as trivial as this now, bringing a baby into the equation is going to be disastrous. Me and DH have been together for 8 years, and have had our worst rows in the last 11 months since having DD! Raging hormones and sleep deprivation make every little problem seem 1000 times worse.

It seems to me like there's more to this than meets the eye. Is he stressed about anything at the moment? Work? Family problems? Why would he suddenly change his mind like that? Very strange.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 02/03/2006 12:04

if he is this controlling over driving lessons
what is he going to be like when you are pg and have a baby

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:05

Lahdeedah, trying to be fair I think we have been a bit strained over the last few months. We don't do anything without planning it out and starting a family is a fairly major decision for us.

Maybe he feels that he will be left out if we have a baby, and I have stated that the car/driving lincense is a must. Maybe he feels threatened by it. I don't know. He just says I'm an evil cow that demands my own way.....I don't agree.

OP posts:
desperateSCOUSEwife · 02/03/2006 12:07

strappy it is not threatening it is called
controlling your life tbh
sorry that is my opinion