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Original poster

Do I end my marriage over learning to dirve?

171 replies

Strappy · 02/03/2006 10:49

Hi Ladies

I have been lurking for over a year and unforunately my first thread is a relationship crisis, not an amusing mooncup saga.

DH and I are TTC, but last night we had a massive row over my learning to drive. He says I am only doing it as everyone else says I should, and that we will have to sell my little car when I go on mat. leave (it cost £300 and I'm not even pg yet!)

I think he is being controlling, he is very insecure but learning to drive is very important to me. I love him and desperately want to start a fmaily with him, but this issue is really important to me. Do I end my marriage over learning to drive?

Help please, don't care if its harsh but please help!!!

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 02/03/2006 12:41

so apart from learning to drive, have there been other instances? you say that you don't have any other friends - is this because he has in come way isolated you from them?

wannaBe1974 · 02/03/2006 12:42

NQC I actually know someone who put on their divorce papers that the reason they were filing for divorce was because he spent too much time on his computer. They'd been married six months, but had been living together for 6 years before that - ve strange.

uwila · 02/03/2006 12:45

Oh no, DH and I could both file on those grounds. Shock

wannaBe1974 · 02/03/2006 12:46

hahaha likewise

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:46

Interesting idea re: the divorce papers. Can I state it is becausen he is an arse?!!

Ok I am decided, Will give him 15 mins when he gets in the door to get settled, and then ask in a calm fahsion if this really has to be the deciding factor in our marriage.

If he is really determined then I'm out of here. Thank you ladies, maybe his side of the story would sound a little different but I don't see how it can be justified.

For those asking, I was planning to start a family because I am totally obsessed with babies and want children more than anything, but not in a situation like this.

Thank you all again :)

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 02/03/2006 12:48

strappy good luck, and please let us know how it goes.

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 12:49

will do wannabe, might be towwards the end of the week but I'll be back (terminator stylee!)

OP posts:
Fimbo · 02/03/2006 12:51

I don't quite know what to say Strappy. I am learning to drive at the moment (hating every moment of it I may add - lol) but my dh is the opposite to yours - he is desperate for me to learn so as I don't have to rely on him so much, I keep telling him it will cost us a fortune in petrol when I eventually pass my test, but he said it doesn't matter because I will have freedom to even do simple things like going shopping. Perhaps your dh needs counselling for his insecurities. Good luck

snowleopard · 02/03/2006 12:55

Another thing strappy - very possessive, controlling men can find it very hard when there's a baby in the house, and be horribly jealous of the love and attention you give the baby. I'd be very careful here. You need to go to relate and sort out all these issues and get your relationship more equal - and if you can't do that I think leaving him might be the answer.

Something has changed in you, hasn't it, to be wanting to learn to drive and to be questioning all this stuff? It's not too late to have a better relatuionship, with him or with someone else.

Sorry you're going through this.

sophiecountessofwessex · 02/03/2006 12:57

i do have to say that i dont even know why - beyond a " can we afford it" conversation he has any say.

his contribution to the discussion should remain strictly within a financial sphere.

its like saying " i would like to learn french, can we discuss how and when we can afford it"

rahtern than " can i lern french"

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 13:00

snowleopard - I think the thing that changed might have been me discovering Mumsnet!!

Seriously, at first I thought that "doormat women" for want of a better phrase were getting an incredibly hard deal on here, and then I reliased I was just gutted becasue everyone was criticising relationships just like mine. Not pleasent to have your eyes opned in such a fashion believe me

OP posts:
Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 13:03

sophie - if the current feeling is that it's "our money" then yes we can afford it. If I lived on my own, then no I doubt I could

OP posts:
uwila · 02/03/2006 13:14

Good luck, Strappy. Come back for support. We'll be here.

MeerkatsUnite · 02/03/2006 13:18

Harsh advice here Strappy but its something you do need to seriously consider:-

This is all about power and control and currently he's got all the power and control. My guess is that he has managed to isolate you over the past few years. Would bet you as well that he does not like your family at all and has tried to isolate you from your friends. The fact that you are together 24/7 seemingly is also very bad news. He has you in a gilded cage of his making. Controlling men rarely if ever change and certainly do not without counselling. His controlling behaviours are deep set in his pysche.

You have gotten yourself into a real pickle - you do not want to get pregnant by this man.

Learn to Stand Up for Yourself
Start taking responsibility for your actions.
It's time to examine how your behavior might enable your controlling partner. You are giving him your wages for one thing, this is fuelling his control.

Negotiate boundaries with your spouse.
Don't negotiate when you're arguing, but during "peace time." Agree to have a consequence if these boundaries are crossed. For example, if your controlling partner starts to dominate a discussion, call a time-out. Revisit the conversation only when you're ready.

What's the cost of your relationship?
Ask yourself, "What is it costing me to be in this relationship?" If the answer is your dreams, identity, or dignity, the cost is too high.

Should you agree or disagree?
Controlling people often participate in emotional extortion: "Agree with me, or else." For the good of your relationship, sometimes it's best to agree to disagree.

Look at all of your options.
You don't have to engage in explosive arguments when dealing with a controlling partner. Refuse to participate when your partner is trying to control you.

Suffering in silence isn't love.
By not dealing with a controlling partner's behavior, you're only enabling it to continue—and are therefore cheating the relationship.

I would also suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's book called Why does he do that - Inside the minds of angry and controlling men (that's available on Amazon).

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 13:24

thank you MeerKats. Letting it slide has been the easiest option for so long, confrontation does seem very daunting.

He's not massivley fond of my family, will viasit them but never wants to stay for long. Agreed to visit my Dad in France for a week in April this year which really surprised me.

I am rubbish at making friends, just never seem to meet anyone who likes the same stuff I do so being with him has always seem the right choice.

Am I not exhibiting this emotional extortion too though "let me learnt to drive/have a car or I'm leaving you?"???

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 02/03/2006 13:28

Um, Strappy, the two are very different. Whether or not you learn to drive should be up to you, not him.

Janos · 02/03/2006 13:30

Strappy, good luck.

Much of what you say chimes with how my XP behaved. Not with the driving issue but trying to exert control. One example - we went to an antental class and I was enjoying myself, asking lots of questions, making jokes etc.

When we got home he launched into this big tirade about how I was stupid, irritating, annoying everyone, talking too much etc. This really upset me and he left me sitting in the car crying my eyes out while he stamped off upstairs.

Just a small thing I know, but small things like that things like that really do wear you down. I would agree with everyone who suggests it's a control issue. TBH the wages thing concerns me a lot. It's your money - you've earnt it.

Don't let him dictate your life and definetly learn to drive if that is what you want to do. You are not exhibiting 'emotional extortion'. If he doesn't like it, tough. It's your life.

uwila · 02/03/2006 13:31

Strappy, what I don't understand is you seem to be willing to let the decision be his. Just do it. Say, "I'm sorry you feel this way, but I'm going to my lesson now... ta ta." And, uh, if finances are tight and you need to sell a car perhaps it could be his.

My DH once said to me when we ere discussing needing a new car "all you really need is a runaround." I just looked at him and laughed. I too work, I had to take to the baby too/from childminder every morning and evening, I had responsibilities just as important as his... and he thought I could get by with a "runaround". Ha ha ha ha ha... Can I ask if the car he drives is worth more than £300?

NotActuallyAMum · 02/03/2006 13:32

Strappy this isn't just about you learning to drive and having a car - it's about him having complete control over you and spitting his dummy out if he doesn't get his own way

And life certainly shouldn't be about your DH letting you do something so simple. As others have said, the only conversation you should need about this is "when can we afford for this to happen"

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 13:32

NQC, cheers, he is just so good at turning everything I say round on me in an argument, and I'm usually too upset to think fast on my feet and realise that what he's saying is rubbish.

The main jist of this mornings screaming session was him saying that I am trying to control him by threatening to leave if I can't have a car.....that's crap!!! I can see that now but at the time I was too shocked to react.

OP posts:
uwila · 02/03/2006 13:38

Holy Shit! I just caught the bit about you handing over your wages. Stop that now! Go open an account in your name and change where your work sends your money. DO NOT ask for his permission. Just do it.

PLEASE tell me any property you two have is in both names. Is it? Is it? Is it?

Original poster
Strappy · 02/03/2006 13:40

Uwila - I moved in with him when I was 18. He had been living here for 3 years and i have never thought to demand that my name was on the lease. It just never seemed important and if it really is over I don't want to stay here. I would rather leave and start somwhere else on my own.

OP posts:
uwila · 02/03/2006 13:40

Strappy, you aren't prepared to walk out the door until you have something to live on. I'm truly shocked. Stand up and defend your rights. I wouldn't treat my dog like this (if I had one).

uwila · 02/03/2006 13:42

Lease? It's rented then? If that's the case, you are better off not on it because then you are free to go (if that is what you want to do). What about his car? Who owns it? What about pensions? Any other property?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go get an account in your name only this week.

MeerkatsUnite · 02/03/2006 13:42

He certainly showed emotional extortion this morning didn't he?.

Should you agree or disagree?
Controlling people often participate in emotional extortion: "Agree with me, or else."
For the good of your relationship, sometimes it's best to agree to disagree. I would tell him this.

Do you have a definative plan of action Strappy?. You need one and most importantly you need to stick to it to the letter.

Amazon actually have some pages of the book I mentioned online. I would strongly suggest you start reading.

Strappy - what are his parents like?.