Im so jelous / threatened by his 'ex'..

[chocolatepuff]

Hi there

Ive been seeing a wonderful bloke for 7 months-ish.. things seem to be going really well after a rocky start. The rocky start was that after about 5/6 weeks of us initially seeing each other, he broke up with me as he had slept with someone else. (is this cheating? i dunno, it frigging hurt.. but he finished with me the next day and told me why. and it was v early on in the relationship)

anyway he rings me a few weeks later saying what a terrible mistake he'd made, how he really likes me and has missed me, see's a future with me etc) i say im not sure and its left for a few more weeks. and then we slowly begin seeing each other again.. and that brings us up to now.

the info on the girl he slept with is (according to him) a girl he met last summer and went on holiday with as part of a big group of friends. He said he had a crush on her but that nothing happened on the holiday. So when we began seeing each other and an oppertunity with her happened to present itself, he took it..

he has said since, that since last summer he had built her up in a fantasy in his head, and the actual reality of being with her did not match up to it. (he has said numerous times how stupid he was to do it) hence he realised then that he wanted to be with me. (i know i know, that sounds shit written down, like he is some fucking casanova, choosing what woman he wants! makes me angry to think about)

my issue is, is that she is part of a wide circle of friends of his, and they are all going on the same holiday again this year. and he is giving her a lift

i am so threatened by this/her. i know i wont be able to relax the whole time he's away. Ive spoken to him about it and he has said that it will never happen again, that he wouldnt chuck what we have as he likes it too much. and yet.. i just want her to fuck off! i cAN just imagine she'll be all done up and glamourous, and confident, and he'll start fancying her again..

i havent met her by the way. my 'knowledge' of her is via facebook stalking (i know, i know)

and i cant afford the holiday, incase anyone asks why im not going. (plus it was booked before we met)

just want to know what you guys think of this really..? and wwyd?

thanks for reading x

I'm sorry but personally I don't think I could live with that . You will be constantly worrying about what he is up to and when he comes back you will still question him . It's natural, I don't have much advise other than its a bad idea and a deal breaker !

Do you know what?

You are directing your ire against another woman when you should be directing it at your boyfriend

My advice? Get rid

He's a user, you don't trust him, what's the point? Don't waste any more of your time or energy on him, get rid, free yourself. Go on.

I don't think YABU to feel threatened, and I wouldn't be happy about the holiday, but... you have to accept that he has chosen you, not her. Be confident that you are gorgeous and that's why he wants to be with you. He has 'been there, done that' with her and chosen you. If you start acting all jealous and weak then that isn't attractive. Be strong, have faith that he will miss you like mad while he's away, have a good time without him & make sure you book to go with him next time!

Thanks for your replies.

I know I am Random and i hate the fact that im doing that.. i dont want to hate her i know shes done nothing wrong, but this is bringing out a territorial lioness attitude in me!

Thanks Miranda that sounds like a healthy attitude to take on.. easier said that done! but i will try and keep it in mind. i definately need to do something fabulous that weekend. (and definately NOT get drunk..)

He's an opportunist and he's hedging his bets. He may have chosen you but you were very much second choice and, yes, I'd call being unfaithful five weeks into a relationship cheating. Early days is when you're meant to be all dewy eyed and on best behaviour with each other, not chancing your arm just because someone puts out. I can't believe he had the brass neck to tell you about it tbh. It's not her fault in the slightest. Trust your instincts and kick this two-timer to the kerb.

Thanks cognito although i really dont wanna hear that

i told him i felt second best and he assured me it wasnt the case and wasnt like that (well of course he would, i know)

thing is, arent people allowed to make mistakes and fuck up sometimes? he has been spot on since we got back together and it has felt much more commited from the word go.

A fabulous thing you could do for yourself before that weekend would be to lose a two-timing guy who makes you feel insecure. A man whose actions say that to him you are second-best is not a man who should get the pleasure of your company anymore.

That wasn't a mistake. That was a 'I wonder what it's like to shag so-and-so?' and acting on impulse, even though he had a steady girlfriend already. Rather than be discreet, he told you all about it chapter and verse... why would he do that if he didn't want you to think that he got other offers? Keep you on your toes knowing there was a bit of competition. If she'd lived up to expectations you'd have been for the high-jump. I know this kind of man and they do seem more committed for a while .... right up until something better comes along that matches the billing. Always got their eye out for a replacement.

HotDAMN...

i would be fucking gutted to finish with him i love him

How much do you love and value yourself?

Thing is he has no history of cheating (we have mutual friends) and he has had long term gf's in the past

cogito he didnt tell me all the info when he finished with me. he just told me 'there is someone else, i slept with someone else'. at the time i couldn't bear any more info.

mutual friend told me dp told them soon after 'i think im going to regret dumping choc'

HotDAMN not much. im having counselling and working on it

And the subtext is:

Prior to you he met a woman that he was keen on but she wasn't interested in him.

He met you.

The ow beckoned and he went running... cue him dumping you after he'd done the deed with her - which, incidentally, is 'cheating'.

After a couple of weeks she blew him out... cue him running back to you.

Although you say you can't afford it, has he invited you to go on this holiday with him?

I wouldn't be bothered about this particular ow - I'd be more concerned about the multiple other ows he'll be meeting.

A guy who can't keep his flies zipped isn't a keeper.

Set him free to have the holiday of a lifetime and make it clear that you won't be spending your time watching paint dry while he's away.

Chocolate- Can I ask how old you are?

It's just that you seem to be reacting to the situation as my friends and I would have done when we were in our teens.

Luckily as we grew up we saw sense and would kick to the kerb anyone who treated us like that.

Which do you think is the biggest blockage for you, chocolatepuff:

• is it that deep down, your trust in him is broken?
• or is it that deep down, you don't think rate high enough for a man to stay faithful to you?

there's a "you" missing somewhere in that last sentence

izzy thats a version of reality i dont like to think about.. it might be that way but then again it might not hey?
he didnt invite me on this holiday (its a fest and the tix have all sold out) but he has said we'll go next year.

kua im 29.

do you really all think its so terrible? its easy to say 'dump him' but when you love someone it doesnt feel clear and easy to make final decisions about an isolated incident..

i appreciate all your responses though, thank you.

Hot i think its the latter. i have an inherent belief that my partner will leave me, cos im not good enough. my ex-dp (father of my child) dumped me after 5 years and it shocked me that he did. we had problems but i thought he was the sticking kind. i thought he loved me enough, but apparently not.

Chocolate - if I was right and you are younger than the average on here, please don't run off. We've all been there and sometimes it's easier to talk to others other than your peer group.

You will get good advice.

If however you are forty I apologise!!

X post

You're quite right, we're out of line. You love him, he loves you and when he goes on that holiday he will behave pure as the driven snow and you won't waste a minute thinking he'll be giving Little Miss Disappointing another test-drive.

I'd want to know how long his list of women is that he has crushes on that he would sleep with if the 'opportunity' arose that would result in you being uncermoniously dumped once more. Do you remember that episode of Friends with the laminated freebie list?

That said, I suppose he did finish with you once he slept with her rather than carry on with both of you...

He cheated on you, he broke up with you, he wanted to get back together with you, you accepted. But now that he's seeing the OW again and you've realised that you're not sure you trust him.

If your relationship is otherwise good then you need to think about whether you can trust him to be faithful now that he's in a more long-term relationship with you. If it isn't otherwise good or you think he'll be unfaithful and that's a deal breaker for you then why be with him?

I think Hot hit it on the head in regards to your self esteem atmo.

You are worth far more than you believe and the sooner that you regain your self worth the sooner you will have a relationship you deserve.

Thank you all, even though some are saying things I don't want to hear I'm grateful for the responses and incites.

spirited the thing is I'm pretty sure I do trust him.. My insecurities about this ow and trip is telling of my self esteem more than of my relationship.
I just don't know how to believe I'm good enough..?! Wise mnetters please tell me how!

Find the origin of your lack of self-esteem (often: inadequate parenting), realise that you were treated poorly at that time because of another person's issues, and not because you are inherently unworthy of love and respect. You were always worthy of love and respect, even if you didn't always get it. Reaffirm that belief until it becomes more natural.

You say you're in counseling, so you should be on your way there!

FGS you can't possibly 'love' him!

After 7 months you barely know him, but you know enough about him to know that he's got no compunction about cheating on you.

You've said he has no history of cheating in his previous relationships. In which case why did he make an excepton for you?

Could it be that he reckons you're besotted enough to put up with any old crap from him?

If you discover he's had his leg over on his forthcoming holiday, what do you intend to do about it? Wring your hands and tell him how much you 'love' him?

This untrustworthy guy doesn't make you feel good about yourself and that's more than enough reason to dump him before he dumps you again.