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Original poster

Im so jelous / threatened by his 'ex'..

156 replies

chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 21:30

Hi there

Ive been seeing a wonderful bloke for 7 months-ish.. things seem to be going really well after a rocky start. The rocky start was that after about 5/6 weeks of us initially seeing each other, he broke up with me as he had slept with someone else. (is this cheating? i dunno, it frigging hurt.. but he finished with me the next day and told me why. and it was v early on in the relationship)

anyway he rings me a few weeks later saying what a terrible mistake he'd made, how he really likes me and has missed me, see's a future with me etc) i say im not sure and its left for a few more weeks. and then we slowly begin seeing each other again.. and that brings us up to now.

the info on the girl he slept with is (according to him) a girl he met last summer and went on holiday with as part of a big group of friends. He said he had a crush on her but that nothing happened on the holiday. So when we began seeing each other and an oppertunity with her happened to present itself, he took it.. Angry

he has said since, that since last summer he had built her up in a fantasy in his head, and the actual reality of being with her did not match up to it. (he has said numerous times how stupid he was to do it) hence he realised then that he wanted to be with me. (i know i know, that sounds shit written down, like he is some fucking casanova, choosing what woman he wants! makes me angry to think about)

my issue is, is that she is part of a wide circle of friends of his, and they are all going on the same holiday again this year. and he is giving her a lift Angry

i am so threatened by this/her. i know i wont be able to relax the whole time he's away. Ive spoken to him about it and he has said that it will never happen again, that he wouldnt chuck what we have as he likes it too much. and yet.. i just want her to fuck off! i cAN just imagine she'll be all done up and glamourous, and confident, and he'll start fancying her again.. Sad

i havent met her by the way. my 'knowledge' of her is via facebook stalking (i know, i know)

and i cant afford the holiday, incase anyone asks why im not going. (plus it was booked before we met)

just want to know what you guys think of this really..? and wwyd?

thanks for reading x

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 09/07/2012 00:17

You don't have to come across as jealous. Just tell him about your feelings and worries. Calmly.

Ponybaloney · 09/07/2012 00:19

Sod the too needy stuff. You need to tell him that you feel like he is taking the piss.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 00:28

:) I will. I feel really emotional now! Not sure why. I don't think I was expecting the responses I got.

I can imagine him saying 'were just friends' I think I need to get to the bottom of this. Ask him who dumped or didn't pursue who after their shag. I need the details. Do u think that'll make me paranoid psycho gf??

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 09/07/2012 00:30

I think tbh that stuff doesn't matter. What does matter is how you feel

Ponybaloney · 09/07/2012 00:33

Yeah, just ask him.

Ponybaloney · 09/07/2012 00:35

It's not paranoia, they have slept together whilst he was in a relationship with you!

perfumedlife · 09/07/2012 01:45

chocolatepuff dump this guy, for your self esteem and peace of mind, dump him. I can't believe the number he's pulling. you had to ask him who he was taking in the car and he sheepishly said her Angry He is taking the piss, totally and utterly. Whatever you think of the first betrayal, he's had seven months to get to know and love you better and he shows it by going on holiday with the woman he betrayed you with, and with your blessing !!!

Dump, dump, dump.

Sorry that's blunt. I just think you sound really nice and honest and vulnerable. No one should accept this from a bf. Ever.

izzyizin · 09/07/2012 02:34

It isn't about you being jealous of this particular ow. It's about him taking the piss being disrespectful of you.

30 odd people going and she gets to sit in the passenger seat next to him?

If you're more to him than a fill-in until she snaps her fingers something better comes along, he'll either not go to this festival or find a way to take you with him.

You deserve a lot better than sinking to the level of a man who's 35 going on 17, honey.

Longdistance · 09/07/2012 02:41

Chuck him, before he chucks you!

He's a user, and he's using the both of you. It would have been the red flag, when he was bed hopping.

Get in there girl, and find s guy who knows his own mind.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 05:38

Thanks guys.. More saying dump eh Sad

Couldn't really sleep thinking about it all. I also hav v bad toothache Angry which kept me awake.

I know everyone says this, but he really is such a lovely guy, who has said and done some lovely and thougtful things..

I'm scared

OP posts:
StuckInTheFensAwayFromHome · 09/07/2012 06:21

He just doesn't care about you as much as you care about him. If he did he would have either a) bought you a ticket to go with them or b) sold his ticket to spend time with you rather than put himself in a position where he's with the OW and then he's just taken the piss out of you by giving her a lift and not seeing how inappropriate it is.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 07:23

Yeah.. It is inappropriate. His body language when he told me, said that he knows that aswel.

I dint think he knew she was going up until recently when she tagged him in s status update about the upcoming fest Angry I know I know, not her fault..

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 07:25

I do feel a bit left out too

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 09/07/2012 07:27

This relationship isn't making you feel very good, is it?

izzyizin · 09/07/2012 07:43

He knows it's inappropriate and if he is truly 'lovely and thoughtful' he'll know that it's not appropriate for him to go without you.

Why doesn't he sell his ticket and save a bundle on hiring a car so that the pair of you can jet off somewhere warm and sunny?

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 07:53

hot no it hasn't really.. But I've always told myself it's because I'm too insecure, read too much into things. That it's my issues not his behaviour.

izzy I can't imagine him ever doing that! He loves this fest. I guess he could've atleast asked me if I could come, or shown some care about me going.. Nothing has been mentioned about me going. And tbh Im not 100% sure that he'd be happy if I was going. But I've always told myself it's fine to have time just with your friends

OP posts:
Alurkatsoftplay · 09/07/2012 08:02

The key is how he reacts when you tell him how bad it makes you feel. If he tells you you have to just accept it that will tell you all you need to know. I often 'dithered' at the start of a relationship and when I met DH I'm afraid I did the same. I often stay friends with exes too but DH said, if you stay friend with this one I'm not staying around..so I understood (finally) and put DH first.
Your dps dithering was a lot worse than mine- lets see what he does when it's spelled out for him...

izzyizin · 09/07/2012 08:13

Having a guy cheat on you and dump you a few weeks into a relationship, and then take up with you again a few weeks later is not particularly conducive to engendering any sense of security.

I reckon that your 'issues' are more to do with your gut instinct about this guy; they're telling you to run a mile and you're putting the discomfort they're causing you down to indigestion.

Why on earth wouldn't he be 100% happy about you going to this festival with him?

It's not as if it's a males only event, but I suspect it's going to be an annual event where you'll always be excluded from his group of happy campers revellers.

Of course there's no problem in either of you spending time or having jaunts with friends but, given the circumstances, it happens to be insensitive of him not to invite you and singularly inappropriate for him to drive the ow there and back.

How long will he be away?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 09/07/2012 09:16

But I've always told myself it's because I'm too insecure, read too much into things. That it's my issues not his behaviour.

That could certainly be part of it.

But a person with a low opinion of herself is also far more vulnerable to accepting shoddy treatment. And the way he is behaving wrt this other woman is very disrespectful of you: he slept with her, and then you took him back. Why now shouldn't he drive her to a festival and party with her there? After all, he's already done much worse.

Boundaries, once broken, just get trampled on again - not suddenly respected where they weren't before.

AnyFucker · 09/07/2012 09:30

choc, stop trying to be the "cool girlfriend"

this situation is making you feel like shit

he caused this situation

he hasn't reassured you in the aftermath

he is still doing things that hurt, unsettle and worry you to the point that you are madly attempting to squash your valid fears and twist yourself into a different person to avoid displeasing him

see where I am going with this ?

Jinx1906 · 09/07/2012 09:54

Are you sure that he did not regret breaking up with you because she knocked him back after they slept together?

The fact that he is going away with her and takes her in his car makes it clear that he respects you as much as he did when he slept with her. If he was genuinely sorry he would not go on this holiday, regardless of the fact that he booked it a while ago.

If it were me I would wish him a nice holiday and walk away with my dignity in tact. I think you are in love with the idea of being in love and this guy is not treating your very nicely. Meet someone who makes you genuinely happy and respects you.

Babylon1 · 09/07/2012 10:18

chocolatepuff you've had some good advice on thus thread, however it appears to me that you're waiting for just one poster to say " hey, he cocked up, he's sorry, give him a chance - you're obviously meant to be together, it'll all work out just fine."

Well there, I said it. It won't happen though. He will walk all over you and you are enabling that behaviour. How do you know they won't be sharing a tent/sleeping bag?? There's history there, they've shagged once, they'll do it again given half a chance.

Bollocks to him not knowing she was going, that's bullshit. He knew all along.

I tell you something from experience too, I had an affair once. Biggest mistake of my life - but do you know, in order to make a go a things with DH, I severed ALL contact with OM immediately, I deleted numbers, messages, emails, photos EVERYTHING.

I stopped going to places where I knew he would be, and believe me that meant a whole lifestyle change. But I did it without any hesitation because DH means more to me than anything else. If your dp was committed to you in any way shape or form, he would have forfeited his place on the holiday, deleted/blocked her from his Facebook and be concentrating on spending time with you.

7 months in to this relationship and he's playing you like a fiddle. Get some self respect and walk away from him with your dignity in tact.

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2012 10:36

I agree with everyone.

Not only is he going on a little holiday with a woman he was unfaithful to you with, but you know in your heart of hearts he wouldn't want you there!

Time to give him the heave ho.

And of course if you've been together 5-6 weeks then if one of you sleeps with someone else it's cheating, unless you have a prearranged open relationship. Of course it is! And if he's cheating that early on, you were never on that pedestal, I'm sorry.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 10:50

You're all right, it just makes me so sad.

anyfucker you're spot on. I'm always trying to be cool girlfriend. Not coming across as a needy/ott psycho is more important to me than my feelings.

Reason I put he wouldn't b 100% happy with me going to fest is... I can't put my finger on why, it's just a feeling I get.

He's going away a thurs- mon.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/07/2012 10:58

choc, do you feel you are "punching above your weight" with this man ?

you can't quite believe someone as good as him, would be interested in you ?

well, newsflash he is a cheating, disrespectful and cruel piece of work

and you are not

in anybody else's book he was punching above his weight with you