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Original poster

Im so jelous / threatened by his 'ex'..

156 replies

chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 21:30

Hi there

Ive been seeing a wonderful bloke for 7 months-ish.. things seem to be going really well after a rocky start. The rocky start was that after about 5/6 weeks of us initially seeing each other, he broke up with me as he had slept with someone else. (is this cheating? i dunno, it frigging hurt.. but he finished with me the next day and told me why. and it was v early on in the relationship)

anyway he rings me a few weeks later saying what a terrible mistake he'd made, how he really likes me and has missed me, see's a future with me etc) i say im not sure and its left for a few more weeks. and then we slowly begin seeing each other again.. and that brings us up to now.

the info on the girl he slept with is (according to him) a girl he met last summer and went on holiday with as part of a big group of friends. He said he had a crush on her but that nothing happened on the holiday. So when we began seeing each other and an oppertunity with her happened to present itself, he took it.. Angry

he has said since, that since last summer he had built her up in a fantasy in his head, and the actual reality of being with her did not match up to it. (he has said numerous times how stupid he was to do it) hence he realised then that he wanted to be with me. (i know i know, that sounds shit written down, like he is some fucking casanova, choosing what woman he wants! makes me angry to think about)

my issue is, is that she is part of a wide circle of friends of his, and they are all going on the same holiday again this year. and he is giving her a lift Angry

i am so threatened by this/her. i know i wont be able to relax the whole time he's away. Ive spoken to him about it and he has said that it will never happen again, that he wouldnt chuck what we have as he likes it too much. and yet.. i just want her to fuck off! i cAN just imagine she'll be all done up and glamourous, and confident, and he'll start fancying her again.. Sad

i havent met her by the way. my 'knowledge' of her is via facebook stalking (i know, i know)

and i cant afford the holiday, incase anyone asks why im not going. (plus it was booked before we met)

just want to know what you guys think of this really..? and wwyd?

thanks for reading x

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 09/07/2012 23:05

(meant to say put your pov across v well to him in that telephone call)

I'd ditch by the way

AThingInYourLife · 09/07/2012 23:09

" It was just sex and that was it, niether of us wanted anything more from it."

That's a lie.

He as good as told you that at the time he did want more than sex. That's why he dumped you.

His old story was that he changed his mind because she was disappointing somehow.

This makes clear that the way she was disappointing was her lack of serious interest in him.

Now he's given himself another shot with her...

As for being too "simple" to be kind, thoughtful or considerate Hmm

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 23:29

Thank you all for you're insights and assassinations! (im being serious, I need your honest pov's)

Wrt saying it was 'just sex' and an inflated fantasy,(and me being second pickings) he said the reason he split up with me afterwards is because he didn't want to mess me around. Hmm and that he's always honest and wanted to do right by me.

I just don't believe that Sad

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 09/07/2012 23:36

I don't believe it either I'm afraid Sad

He wants to have his cake (you) and eat it it too (her) Angry

Send him packing.

sarahseashell · 09/07/2012 23:36

that's how he justifies it to himself I'm sure but it makes it sound like he did you a massive favour there Shock

you sound nice and he doesn't sound good enough for you in the long term. He sounds selfish and you're both pandering to his ego tbh

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 23:50

I may have been second best in the beginning.. But I think I'm first best now (I know how pathetic that sounds. Please don't be angry with me I'm just trying to feel out all my thoughts)

OP posts:
modifiedmum · 09/07/2012 23:53

I agree, i think you were second best in the beginning and now your first best because his fantasy with this other chick failed. however i worry if he is inclined to behave that way, what if months/years down the line some other hot chick he gets on with tickles his fancy then either leaves you heart broken/tries/fails wants you back? think he just is a typical bloke not ready for a relationship and you should look else where xx

AnyFucker · 10/07/2012 00:05

why would we be angry at you ?

it's that wanker of a bf of yours that gets on my wick Smile

solidgoldbrass · 10/07/2012 00:10

Sorry but it soudns to me like he is Just Not That Into You - but he knows that you are keener than him therefore he is happy to have you as Will Do For Now.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 00:10

Thank you x I'm up having a cig now and feel horrible. I said that to him, what about the next fantasy? And he said everybody has them, but he knows to keep it at that next time Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 00:11

Yes could be sgb :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/07/2012 00:13

I think you can do better than this nobber with a line in fancy patter where his conscience should be

MildredIsMyAlterEgo · 10/07/2012 00:17

Choc, you deserve better than this. He definitely doesn't deserve you.

They are going away together. How cosy. Alcohol will be flowing. Festival atmosphere. She will be there with him. What goes on tour stays on tour etc etc. THINK ABOUT IT.

izzyizin · 10/07/2012 00:18

You used far too many words, honey. He's a 'simple guy' so keep it easy for him to understand and hard for him to manipulate.

Here's your script:

Enter stage left or right or pop up through the trap door:

Sit sideways on to him. Lean towards him and place your hand on his arm. Look into his eyes and say "When you told me to keep on telling you how I'm feeling last night it made it me feel reassured that I can tell you anything"

Smile fondly at him and move your hand slowly up to his shoulder before removing it.

Continue as follows:

"Apropos of our chat, given your dalliance with (ow) I feel you will be disrespecting me if you go to x festival alone. If I can't come with you or if you're not willing to forego your attendance this year, it will make me feel that you're not the man I thought you were and, regretfully, it will make me feel that you're not the man for me".

Then sit back and watch him wriggle note his response. If it isn't immediately pleasing to you, i.e. you can go with or he won't go, tell him that you feel you need to think over what he's said and you'll get back to him in a couple of days.

And then change the subject - and don't refer to it again or allow yourself to be drawn on it. Let him have time for the penny to drop that if he scews this up, he can't rely on you to bang his dents out again.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 00:26

You know, as naive as it sounds, I actually trust that he won't get up to anything at the festival. I do think he likes me (for now) and doesn't want to fuck up again.

What is hurting is the realisation that I am second best. That makes me incredibly sad, as it is my dealbreaker. Why didn't I think about this more before?? I so wanted to believe him that's why.

Izzy love the script! I'm not confident enough to say it, but I will tell him that I dont believe him. I also want to tell him I love him, because I do. But that there is no future with a man who puts me second

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/07/2012 00:30

Not confident enough to say it? Nonsense, honey. Feel the fear and do it anyway Grin

Telling him that you don't believe him is way too confrontational; when people get told they're not believed it can make them feel they may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 00:31

I also don't believe there are any decent men out there! I have certainly never met any (and I speak from personal experience as well as couples I know)

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/07/2012 00:33

Hang on... run that by me again... if you trust that he won't get up to anything at the festival even though he'll be giving the ow a ride, what's the purpose of this thread?

AnyFucker · 10/07/2012 00:36

yes, there are decent men out there

accepting substandard treatment though ? It's all you're gonna get. The piss-takers will sniff out your low self esteem a mile off and move in before the decent men get a look-in

stand up for yourself, and if you find it difficult, there are people that can help you

this man isn't one of them

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 00:43

I trust that he won't actually do anything, but I dont think it's right/appropriate/ respectful of me to give ow the lift.

Yeah, the serious convos with dp feel so strained.. So difficult, like I'm really trying to pick out info from him. He puts this down to his simple attitude Hmm I end up bot being able to articulate myself well, and lose the gist/point of whatbim trying to say. It feels so powerful wen I'm with him, it could be transference

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/07/2012 00:55

He such a simple disingenuous boy, isn't he? Or would be if he were 10 instead of 35 Hmm

It's not just about him giving the ow a lift; what you said in your OP is i know i wont be able to relax the whole time he's away which suggests that it's about far more than who's travelling in whose vehicle.

TheBigRazzoo · 10/07/2012 07:36

If it were me, I would be pleased at most of the things he said in reaction to being told how upset I was with him going and think I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was just very very thoughtless rather than devious and uncaring. But to show he is really a worthy boyfriend he does now have to back his kind words up with action and not go.

I would have the next conversation with him, as calmly and un-angrily as possible. If it were me, knowing what my insecurities are, I would say, 'I'm really sorry we're having this conversation at the last minute, but I'd actually rather you didn't go this year. Maybe next year we can go together?' Don't get drawn into a discussion of how, hypothetically, if the tables were turned, he would be happy for you to go - he has no idea how we would actually feel if you'd dumped him for some other bloke in the past. And anyway, you're not talking about him, you're talking about how you feel the reality of the situation is it does upset you. As he now knows that, he should do the decent thing and behave differently. I would want the outcome of the conversation to be him saying he isn't going to the festival this year - and I would want him to agree to that without being angry or resentful at missing out on some fun - because I would want him to recognise that my happiness was more important than a weekend away with his mates and that what I was asking was actually, when he thought about it, completely reasonable. Maybe next year you won't give a toss about this woman and it will feel like ancient history, but this year it isn't and he should understand and respect that.

On a strategic level, I think trying to make it sound like 'I'm so glad you realise how hurtful your plans were and would like you not to go at all this year, even though it is a last minute change of plan,' rather than an ultimatum-style 'you will not go or else' (even though in your head you might be thinking, if you don't go I'm going to split up with you because that is not good enough behaviour, which would be fair enough). I think everyone reacts better to being asked than being told and also it means that if he doesn't go you can look back and think, 'well he did the right thing in the end' rather than 'He wasn't going to do the right thing until I made him.'

That said if he's got the impression your issue is just with him giving this woman a lift then you have to explain it goes a bit deeper than that and you shouldn't have to put up with him going for a weekend-long party where this woman will be and you won't. That too is completely reasonable.

If however he says he's still going/can't let his mates down/you're being unreasonable, then maybe you will need to put things more forcefully because it's completely reasonable to ask him not to go and he is not treating you well if he does. If he knows how much it's hurting you and goes anyway, then I would have a long, hard think about whether he's good enough for you.

Good luck! (And sorry for such a mega-long post.)

AThingInYourLife · 10/07/2012 08:00

I'm not sure I would miss out on going to a festival with my friend's to pander to the jealousy of a recent boyfriend.

In fact, I'm sure that I would not.

To me this is all about the travelling together with the girl he preferred to you before she rejected him.

The very fact of him making those plans would make me reconsider the relationship.

I agree with solid - he's just not that into you. You'll do for now.

Alurkatsoftplay · 10/07/2012 08:27

I think you got your point over really well, chocolatepuf, he knows what it means now, he can't pretend he doesn't.
Let's see what he is going to do about it.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 08:57

Thanks all, you're right. Sad

This lift issue has brought up the unresolved stuff about the beginning and he dumping me for her.. I don't believe his line about 'doing right by me' and it doesn't feel good enough.

Supposed to be seeing him tonight but actually I think I just want some more time to think.

OP posts: