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Original poster

Im so jelous / threatened by his 'ex'..

156 replies

chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 21:30

Hi there

Ive been seeing a wonderful bloke for 7 months-ish.. things seem to be going really well after a rocky start. The rocky start was that after about 5/6 weeks of us initially seeing each other, he broke up with me as he had slept with someone else. (is this cheating? i dunno, it frigging hurt.. but he finished with me the next day and told me why. and it was v early on in the relationship)

anyway he rings me a few weeks later saying what a terrible mistake he'd made, how he really likes me and has missed me, see's a future with me etc) i say im not sure and its left for a few more weeks. and then we slowly begin seeing each other again.. and that brings us up to now.

the info on the girl he slept with is (according to him) a girl he met last summer and went on holiday with as part of a big group of friends. He said he had a crush on her but that nothing happened on the holiday. So when we began seeing each other and an oppertunity with her happened to present itself, he took it.. Angry

he has said since, that since last summer he had built her up in a fantasy in his head, and the actual reality of being with her did not match up to it. (he has said numerous times how stupid he was to do it) hence he realised then that he wanted to be with me. (i know i know, that sounds shit written down, like he is some fucking casanova, choosing what woman he wants! makes me angry to think about)

my issue is, is that she is part of a wide circle of friends of his, and they are all going on the same holiday again this year. and he is giving her a lift Angry

i am so threatened by this/her. i know i wont be able to relax the whole time he's away. Ive spoken to him about it and he has said that it will never happen again, that he wouldnt chuck what we have as he likes it too much. and yet.. i just want her to fuck off! i cAN just imagine she'll be all done up and glamourous, and confident, and he'll start fancying her again.. Sad

i havent met her by the way. my 'knowledge' of her is via facebook stalking (i know, i know)

and i cant afford the holiday, incase anyone asks why im not going. (plus it was booked before we met)

just want to know what you guys think of this really..? and wwyd?

thanks for reading x

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 08/07/2012 22:59

I'd say bin this man beause he's a nasty little whanger. Not because you qnd him had some disagreements and different expectations about what sort of monogamy boundaries you want, but because the unchivalrous little shit told you that another woman was lousy in bed, and that she 'didn't live up to his fantasy'. He doesn't really consider women to be human beings.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 23:01

Thank u HotDAMN yes, inadequate parenting for sure. It's hard to have faith in my feelings too, like if I'm unhappy/sad/angry about anything, Im always in turmoil about whether I have the right to feel that way, if maybe I'm being over sensitive, too insecure etc and over reacting. I guess that's the point of my op too.. Are my worries 'normal' or am I just insecure in general and that's clouding my outlook..

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 08/07/2012 23:06

If there's a wide circle of friends going on holiday, why is your dp giving ex ow a lift?

Surely he knows this will just rub your face in it and if he was anywhere near as committed to you as you are to him, he would either be cancelling his place on the holiday or going to the ends of the earth to make the holiday open to you too.

But he isn't doing either is he?? Just looking after himself. He cheated on you once that you know about you let him get away with it. what message does that give him?

squeakytoy · 08/07/2012 23:08

I get the feeling that he saw his chance with the girl he fancied, she saw him as a one night stand.. he thought there was more. So he dumped you.

He then realised fantasy girl wasnt interested in him, so he skuttled back to you and you took him back.

For what it is worth, she probably wont be interested in going anywhere near him on this holiday.

And my opinion is that if he was truly committed to you, he would have sold his ticket for this holiday to someone else, and not be going.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 23:10

izzy I do love him. I get it takes a couple of years to deepen and become.. Real(?) not sure what word I'm looking for. But I truly do feel that I love him. If he did cheat on me again I know he'd tell me, and I would not want to be with him, as crushed as I would be, I do have some dignity.

sgb 'nasty little whanger' ha that did make me laugh! :) he didn't say she was lousy in bed, he said he 'put her on a pedestal' for too long..

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/07/2012 23:16

And if she snaps her fingers, he'll go running again.

You don't love him, honey; you just love the idea of him, the idea of having a man in your life that you can care about, be half of a 'couple', and imagine having a future with.

There's plenty more where he came from and, hopefully, you'll come up with a better selection next time you dip into the pick and mix of dating/romance.

kaumana · 08/07/2012 23:18

Choc- God I hate to say this but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

He worshipped/put her on a pedestal but obviously did/does not feel that way about you. As he would not have cheated or would be going away to a festival with her.

As others have said if he truly cared for you he would not be going.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 23:19

Babylon because he is hiring a car, asked everyone going (30 odd people) who wanted a lift and she got in touch.

squeaky that has been my fear too Sad that actually she wasn't into him..

I remember him telling me that the friends he had who know ow were encouraging him to get with her, but he was telling em 'you don't know choc though..' which sounds like it was more his decision. God he sounds likens shit doesn't he!

OP posts:
kaumana · 08/07/2012 23:22

Sounds like he's 19 tbh...and a shit.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 23:24

kua I think he did it because there was build up/ chemistry between them for a while before anything happened.

He also says that they are friends.

Yeah I'm annoyed that he's giving her a lift. It feels a little disrespectful of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 23:26

kua he's 35!

What do you think I should say to him?

OP posts:
kaumana · 08/07/2012 23:36

He's 35!! You've got to be kidding! Blardy hell, he sounds like a teen in how he listened to his pals and TOLD you that he did as that explains it.

Don't think there's much to say. Perhaps, something along the lines that you don't see a future for the two of you and leave with your head held high.

35! really...

Babylon1 · 08/07/2012 23:38

So out of 30 odd people she wants a lift?? He could have said he'd already got a car full to her, any excuse to not be in car with her?? But he didn't.

Is he sharing a room/tent/bed/sleeping bag with her too??

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 23:41

kua thanks, although i dont think i can do that Sad
i cant leave him, without an explanation. i think im gonna tell him that i think he's taking the piss by giving her a lift. i hate to say it cos i sound pathetic, but i dont want to cause a rift and come across as a whingy/insecure girlfriend.

by the by, does anyone know how to delete yourself off facebook? i really must do it

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 23:44

babylon no he isnt sharing a tent with her.
you cant just 'be friends' when youve slept together can you?! it changes things. you cant go back to how it was, or pretend it didnt happen. or is that just me?

OP posts:
kaumana · 08/07/2012 23:50

FB is the devil..Can't remember off the top of my head how to close down an account but easily found on google.

I personally would not mention the lift as you WOULD be perceived as breaking up with him as being jealous of the girl and not because of his behaviour.

Best to keep an aura of control, you don't have to give reasons any more than I said above.

kaumana · 08/07/2012 23:53

...and no you can't go back. It does change things. I speak from experience.

cakeoholic · 08/07/2012 23:54

Choc, you have every right not to be ok with him giving her a lift.

You made the decision to forgive him and have moved on as much as possible but he did this thing which makes you feel this way and that is allowed! He should be trying to make it all ok, not you!

If your relationship means as much to him as he says then he would refuse her the lift if you asked him to. Ask and see what he says. If he values your feelings and cares at all he will tell her he no longer can.

I think his answer and his actions will tell you all you need to know.

CurrySpice · 08/07/2012 23:57

Of course you can love someone after 7 months!!

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 23:58

thanks kau ill google it.

i dont want to break up with him though. i want to tell him im pissed off about the lift and say it feels dispresectful, and give him a chance to explain himself. god i hate confrontation though.. the thought of having this convo makes me feel a bit sick

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 00:04

thanks cakeo. i dont want to be the demanding gf who 'forbids' things.. i'd rather tell him how i feel and see what he does/says.

still feel a bit like im blowing it all up out of proportion and that it hurting my feelings wouldnt have occured to him.. when he told me he seemed a bit.. nervous(?) sheepish(?) he said he's telling me cos theres nothing to hide. (well, i actually asked him who he was taking) he then reiterated 'nothing is going to happen' because i think i mustve looked pissed off. i replied 'it better fucking hadnt' the convo ended there thou as my dd was calling me

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 09/07/2012 00:10

I am quite old fashioned and cautious but think you can definitely be in love with somebody after a lot shorter period than seven months. You are in a horrible position. Don't see the point in finsihing with him when you like him so so much. But you could kind of say well you are a bit disappointed in him not just deciding to go this holiday but also deciding to give this girl a lift and you aren't too sure about how things will be between you when he gets back. Which is probably quite true.

CurrySpice · 09/07/2012 00:12

Op just go and and talk to him. You are both just feeling your way with each other. Communication is the key to everything. Hope you can sort it out

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 00:14

vivienne thank u.

im scared of starting talking cos i fear it will be like opening a can of worms.. and i might 'give away too much' and come across as being jelous of this ow, too needy etc

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatepuff · 09/07/2012 00:17

thanks curry i hope so too. i hope he isnt freaked out or put off by my neediness / insecurities. but then again if he is then he isnt right for me i guess as thats who i am at the moment!

OP posts: