Im so jelous / threatened by his 'ex'..

[chocolatepuff]

Hi there

Ive been seeing a wonderful bloke for 7 months-ish.. things seem to be going really well after a rocky start. The rocky start was that after about 5/6 weeks of us initially seeing each other, he broke up with me as he had slept with someone else. (is this cheating? i dunno, it frigging hurt.. but he finished with me the next day and told me why. and it was v early on in the relationship)

anyway he rings me a few weeks later saying what a terrible mistake he'd made, how he really likes me and has missed me, see's a future with me etc) i say im not sure and its left for a few more weeks. and then we slowly begin seeing each other again.. and that brings us up to now.

the info on the girl he slept with is (according to him) a girl he met last summer and went on holiday with as part of a big group of friends. He said he had a crush on her but that nothing happened on the holiday. So when we began seeing each other and an oppertunity with her happened to present itself, he took it..

he has said since, that since last summer he had built her up in a fantasy in his head, and the actual reality of being with her did not match up to it. (he has said numerous times how stupid he was to do it) hence he realised then that he wanted to be with me. (i know i know, that sounds shit written down, like he is some fucking casanova, choosing what woman he wants! makes me angry to think about)

my issue is, is that she is part of a wide circle of friends of his, and they are all going on the same holiday again this year. and he is giving her a lift

i am so threatened by this/her. i know i wont be able to relax the whole time he's away. Ive spoken to him about it and he has said that it will never happen again, that he wouldnt chuck what we have as he likes it too much. and yet.. i just want her to fuck off! i cAN just imagine she'll be all done up and glamourous, and confident, and he'll start fancying her again..

i havent met her by the way. my 'knowledge' of her is via facebook stalking (i know, i know)

and i cant afford the holiday, incase anyone asks why im not going. (plus it was booked before we met)

just want to know what you guys think of this really..? and wwyd?

thanks for reading x

Are they going to stay absolutely sober during this holiday? Or will he also use the excuse when he gets back that he didn't know what he was doing/ can't remember if he cheated on you again??

I'm sorry chocolatepuff, but I think you know what you need to do

I'm always trying to be cool girlfriend. Not coming across as a needy/ott psycho is more important to me than my feelings.

How is it ever cool to let someone treat you the way he does because I don't think it is. I would not accept a partner to cheat on me and go on a little holiday with the OW. I don't think that makes me a psycho or needy. If there is no trust and mutual respect in a relationship it will never work.

I think people are allowed to make mistakes and it sounds like you have been very grown up about accepting that his episode with this other woman was a mistake and taking him back after an appropriate amount of time for you to think about whether it was really what you you want. Well done.

BUT

I think it's not considerate and thoughtful for him to go away to a festival with this girl after he dumped you for her and even a cool girlfriend shouldn't have to be cool with that. If you have a good relationship you should be able to say to him, 'you going away with her makes me uncomfortable given what happened and it would make me a lot happier if you didn't'. And his reaction should be - 'okay, I really want to go to that festival but you're being reasonable given how I behaved with her so I won't go because I don't want to make you feel shit'. Your happiness should be a lot more important to him than a festival with his mates.

I haven't read every single one of the posts on this thread, but I think those people saying you should split up with him immediately are a bit too extreme. However, the fact the he hasn't asked you to come with him to this festival is setting off a serious alarm bells too - it seems to indicate that he is either really insensitive or worse, he actually doesn't want you there. If it's the latter I'm afraid I agree with the 'dump him now' crowd.

And whatever his reasons, his behaviour sounds like it's making you very unhappy. You should tell him, as calmly and coolly as possible, why it makes you uncomfortable/unhappy. Something like, 'I'm sorry I haven't mentioned this before, because I wanted to make sure it was what I really felt, but actually you going away for a weekend with X so soon after you dumped me for her makes me feel really uncomfortable and I am a bit sad you didn't invite me along, so I know it's quite last minute now but I'd really appreciate it if you would not go or take me with you (if that's what you want - can't imagine I'd enjoy going to a festival with my boyfriend's most recent ex though). What his response is should be enough tell you whether he is the guy for you. People who love/care about other people don't intentionally do things that make the people they care about unhappy. Perhaps at the moment he doesn't know how unhappy you are but if you tell him and he still persists with taking this other woman to a festival to which you haven't been invited, then he doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

Good luck!

Rosie

I'm sorry but Rosie, what a load of rubbish. '...I'd really appreciate it if you would not go or take me with you' ! Why in gods name should op have to do this?? It should never have come up, a decent bf would never entertain driving to a weekend with an ex he cheated on you with, never.

A bit too extreme? Not extreme enough in my book. Dump from a high height I say.

Yes I do feel as though I'm punching above my weight. Feel I am boring compared to him.

I've spoken to him about getting pissed etc on the holiday, and he said he'd never use that as an excuse, and he's always aware of what he does drunk.

Im not going to ask him not to go. I want to tell him how I feel and see what he says..

I want to have this chat face to face but will prob have to be a phonecall tonight. I'll let u know how it goes,, thank u all for ur posts x

Be strong Choc. Remember you deserve far better treatment than this. Wishing you all the best. K

take care, choc and update us when you can

there is much support for you here

@Perfumedlife I guess that as I don't actually know OP or her partner I don't feel in a position to give her absolute advice like you must split up with your boyfriend. If you feel you do then fine, but no need to be rude about other people having other approaches.

And @chocolatepuff - there's no such thing as punching above your weight. Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect and you shouldn't settle for anything less. You may not realise your worth (God knows I don't realise mine) but your partner definitely should. Having been in plenty of shit relationships myself I promise you that when you have a good one where your partner loves and values you, you will look back in complete disbelief that you expected yourself to put up with anything less in the past.

Choc

You have got some excellent advice here. The man is a creep. Could you ever consider treating him in the same way? I doubt it. Therefore, you shouldn't accept this behaviour from him.

Get rid now with your head held high. Living with this pain and uncertainty is hell and exhausting. I speak from bitter experience. It is not how a relationship should be.

Good luck and be strong.

Not being rude and am not telling anyone what to do. As if they'd do what a stranger on the internet told them. No need to be so disengeneous. I think I'd rather take relationship advice from people who know their self worth though.

TheBigRazoo I am sorry, genuinely sorry. I am a grumpy old bag today, gave up smoking and it's making me snarl... Not usually so awful. Please accept my apologies. x

Hi Guys, youre all amazing, thank you so much for your support. x

So, the update:

wringing my hands in panic/desperation at work today wanting to talk and have it out with him, ended up calling him on my way home from work.

I said.... 'I know this is going to sound like its coming out the blue, but Ive only just processed this in my mind and I have to say dp, you giving ow a lift to festival is really shitty. You sleep with her and dump me, and then come crawling back to me.. and now you want to take ow who you cheated on me with, to fest, doing her a favour. To me you are putting her needs above mine / our relationship, and Im really fucked off. I cant believe how inconsiderate and insensitive this is. Can you imagine if it was the other way round, how you would feel? I feel like you are taking the piss out of me and treating me like a complete mug. I feel second best, like you put her on a pedestal and wanted her but it never transpired, so you settled for me. What was it then dp, that made the fantasy come crashing down? was the sex shit or was she not interested in you?

He said..... 'Im so sorry you feel like this, I had no idea and no intention to upset or hurt you. Do you want me to cancel taking her? I didnt even think about it, beyond it being money saving/cutting petrol costs. Thinking about it from youre point of view, I can totally understand why you would feel this way. if I was in your position I wouldnt personally care as I trust you, but thats beside the point, as you do care, and Im really sorry. You are not second best at all, please dont feel like a mug, you arent! It wasnt like that, it really wasnt. It was just sex and that was it, niether of us wanted anything more from it. I was so stupid and Im so happy to have you (blah blah) No the sex wasnt shit, it was just sex. Im a simple guy, and i just dont really think about other people, or the way things might affect them.. it has been a problem in past relationships but i want to work on it, please keep telling me how youre feeling.'

Think this was the general gist. I did feel a bit better after the convo. and i know some most of you will be annoyed to hear it, but im meeting up with him tomorrow to talk more.

Actions my darling actions

Those are your yardstick. Words are cheap.

Oh he's goooood!!!

Glad to hear you're meeting up with him tomorrow when you'll be able to keep telling him how you're feeling about you going with him - or him not going.

I agree with anyfucker.

It was just sex.. oh god, the classic line..

But glad you spoke your mind.

What AnyFucker said.

And if he cared about you, he would be thinking about how it would seem to you.

Now he's trying to make you seem uncool. "I wouldn't care, because I trust you. Well, it's not so hard for him to trust you, if you haven't given him a reason not to. (Unlike him.)

I'm not sure. I'd like to give the advice "It's the past and his sorry, it's time to move on" but i think people are always quick to use the "it's the past thing, thats where it should stay" line when in reality, the past can say a lot about what a person is still like in their present.

I would say he cheated on you to be honest, i dunno... maybe his feelings for you weren't as strong at the time or he thought they wasn't but it's really no excuse. I'd find it hard myself to ever move on from that and it doesn't sound like he considers how it really made you feel. In the beginning of relationships I'm always starry eyed and besotted with that person so i do find it difficult to understand but hey were all different.

I'd say go with your own first instincts. The thing is it's so easy to sit here and say you can find someone else and so many people have said that to me so i can get why your finding it difficult.. but your def worth more than that chick and you shouldnt ever think your not good enough for someone and NO ONE should have the power to make you feel that way xx

As I recall, on the rare occasions I've placed someone on a pedestal as he allegedly did with her, it's taken more than a bit of 'just sex' to reveal an idol's clay feet.

My money's on her having dumped him. And on this 'simple man's' ego being in need of having a dent banged (pun intended) out.

"'Im so sorry you feel like this"

So he's not sorry about what he's done, only that you feel upset about it."

"Do you want me to cancel taking her?"

He now knows that you're upset, but still doesn't choose to cancel the plan. No, he leaves the decision to you.

" Im a simple guy, and i just dont really think about other people, or the way things might affect them.."

I can just imagine the little shrug of the shoulder as he said this. He admits he's selfish and doesn't think of others, but it's not his fault because the poor lamb is just "a simple guy".

"i want to work on it, please keep telling me how youre feeling.'"

So he's not actually going to be working on anything. Once more the onus is on you to tell him he's acting like a selfish child. And it's the perfect get-out clause, isn't it? "It's not my fault. You didn't tell me how you would feel about this."

Yuk.

yes yuk

a masterclass in not taking resposnsibility and handing all the shit right back atcha

making you "police" him like a naughty schoolboy will just reinforce your desire to not look like the controlling and paranoid gf

before you know it, you'll be waving them happily off to their "fest" having borrowed your double sleeping bag and she's got your best Wellybobs on her trotters

think about it, love

I can't believe that anyone - even a "simple guy" - would be so stupid as to not realise that doing this with a person they've cheated on their partner with isn't utterly unreasonable and out of order.

IS utterly unreasonable..

OP I've been lurking and just wanted to say I thought you put your POV across really well and well done to you

I think the guy's got a few ishoos if he can't see why you might potentially be mighty pissed off about him giving this ow a lift in his car, even given you've very generously overlooked his shagging her in the early days. I think you need to be way less of what you consider cool and start putting your own needs first here You're only 7 months in and with giving her a lift in his car and the facebook liaising etc he's not showing you enough respect to go the long distance IMO, unless you want to spend the rest of your life worrying what he's up to.

Simple guy my arse when he's having a long car journey with someone he's relatively recently shagged