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Original poster

Im so jelous / threatened by his 'ex'..

156 replies

chocolatepuff · 08/07/2012 21:30

Hi there

Ive been seeing a wonderful bloke for 7 months-ish.. things seem to be going really well after a rocky start. The rocky start was that after about 5/6 weeks of us initially seeing each other, he broke up with me as he had slept with someone else. (is this cheating? i dunno, it frigging hurt.. but he finished with me the next day and told me why. and it was v early on in the relationship)

anyway he rings me a few weeks later saying what a terrible mistake he'd made, how he really likes me and has missed me, see's a future with me etc) i say im not sure and its left for a few more weeks. and then we slowly begin seeing each other again.. and that brings us up to now.

the info on the girl he slept with is (according to him) a girl he met last summer and went on holiday with as part of a big group of friends. He said he had a crush on her but that nothing happened on the holiday. So when we began seeing each other and an oppertunity with her happened to present itself, he took it.. Angry

he has said since, that since last summer he had built her up in a fantasy in his head, and the actual reality of being with her did not match up to it. (he has said numerous times how stupid he was to do it) hence he realised then that he wanted to be with me. (i know i know, that sounds shit written down, like he is some fucking casanova, choosing what woman he wants! makes me angry to think about)

my issue is, is that she is part of a wide circle of friends of his, and they are all going on the same holiday again this year. and he is giving her a lift Angry

i am so threatened by this/her. i know i wont be able to relax the whole time he's away. Ive spoken to him about it and he has said that it will never happen again, that he wouldnt chuck what we have as he likes it too much. and yet.. i just want her to fuck off! i cAN just imagine she'll be all done up and glamourous, and confident, and he'll start fancying her again.. Sad

i havent met her by the way. my 'knowledge' of her is via facebook stalking (i know, i know)

and i cant afford the holiday, incase anyone asks why im not going. (plus it was booked before we met)

just want to know what you guys think of this really..? and wwyd?

thanks for reading x

OP posts:
StillSquiffy · 10/07/2012 09:00

OP, when I was in my 20s I had, well, a pretty fun time for a few years. I had lots of men dangling on a string and whenever I felt like it I would pull one of those strings and they would come running. Always. I wasn't particularly beautiful but appeared to have 'it' ('it' has of course long since gone and I'm an old hag now - karma and all that).

I never knowingly hurt other women and used to steer clear of people in committed relationships (but I used my own yardstick in deciding which relationships were committed or not) - if they were fair game and I fancied them then it would happen, and I knew exactly how to get them.

It didn't mean that I could get any man - there were always some whose radars went down the minute they fell in love and you could spot them a mile off, and you knew there was no point (and you wouldn't want to chase them anyway). But your man is not one of them (he'd never have gone with her after 5 weeks if he was), and I if OW is like I was then I guarantee she will sleep with your man at the festival.

He can spin you all the stories he wants but his actions say different.

If he loved you he would not be going to the festival

I used to go camping with 50 mates at a time and those of us without partners (or whose partners were not there) used to play musical tents from start to stop. If she's single it will happen. He knows that too and if he really was into you he'd have cancelled festival. There are other years and other festivals and he knows that.

He is a grown up who is having his cake, eating it and then regurgitating the after effects all over you.

DUMP HIM. If he really loves you he will fight his way back by proving it. And then you'll have an even footing going forward. If he carries on in his own selfish way you'll have had a lucky escape.

ChooChooLaverne · 10/07/2012 09:23

"Thinking about it from your point of view, I can totally understand why you would feel this way. if I was in your position I wouldnt personally care as I trust you"

I love this! What he's really saying is "I would be far too cool to be bothered by this" so trying to make you worry about whether you are not being cool and are being too needy (he probably gets that you feel like this and is trying to play on your insecurity) therefore taking the focus away from his actions.

The truth is he has no idea how he would feel in this situation and it's a ridiculous and IMO manipulative thing to say. He has no reason at all not to trust you. You are trustworthy. He isn't.

I put up with a relationship like this in my 20s and like you was more concerned with being cool and not hassling my boyfriend than talking about what I wanted as I thought I would scare him away. It wasn't worth it and tying myself up in knots pretending I didn't care about stuff that I really did care about did nothing to make the relationship better and only chipped away at my self-esteem.

Really don't put up with this crap - you're worth so much more.

I think what you said to him was great. Now what do you want to happen?

DowagersHump · 10/07/2012 09:54

I agree with everyone else. And also I'm sorry but I don't believe he didn't know she was going to the festival either. He did know, she would have bought her ticket months ago (like you say he did) ie before you and he got together.

Shirsten · 10/07/2012 10:25

I recognise these feelings so well; that slightly uneasy feeling and you know you don't feel very happy but you can't quite articulate why so you try to quash it.

I had exactly this with the ex I posted about recently (the one with the cocaine habit). Funnily enough, he loved festivals. I think one reason why was because his mates all took drugs at them as well as drinking copious amounts - all designed to lower inhibitions.

I read back through the thread, Chocolatepuff, and I actually felt a bit stressed reading through his response to your recent phone call. An EA ex used to use that kind of manipulation on me to the point where I would question myself all the time. And with the recent ex - the cokehead - I did the same thing. I started feeling very stressed and even a bit ill because of it.

I think your uneasy feeling is arising because your instincts are screaming at you and yet you're trying to squash and ignore them. I did exactly that in the last two relationships I was in. I also recognise what you're saying about trying not to appear too needy etc. Again, I did that with the cokehead which led him to treat me pretty shabbily.

However, I do think your guy has - as others have pointed out - been very clever at turning it all back on you.

Bottom line is - you're not very happy and he's doing nothing at all to change the way you are feeling.

I too would feel very uneasy and hurt about this and I would be tempted to walk away. If this is an indication of how he deals with you being hurt now, then it will only worse IME.

The only consolation is - if he does go - it'll probably rain non stop, it'll be one big mud bath and I can't imagine that someone appears very sexy after camping out without a shower for 4/5 days! Smile

noblegiraffe · 10/07/2012 10:56

How dare he make out it's your problem that you don't trust him! It's entirely his fault as he shagged someone else that he fancied more than you, dumped you because he thought he had a chance then went back to you when it was clear he didn't. He has the audacity to say that he wouldn't have a problem with you going on holiday with friends? Of course not because you are not a cheating nobber. It was less than a year ago, of course you have every right to still be pissed off about it and he should be doing everything in his power to reassure you. Not taking OW on another holiday and only telling you when prompted then openly wondering why you're making a fuss. Twat.

AnyFucker · 10/07/2012 11:26

That's a great post, shirsten

Shirsten · 10/07/2012 12:02

Thanks AF. If only I'd listened to my instincts more when I was going out with the 2 exes! At least the most recent one didn't last long - that's progress.

I remember reading that the permanent 'off balance' feeling that you have when in an EA relationship is a result of trying to quash your instincts which are screaming out at you. That makes absolute perfect sense to me. And I know I did in the relationship with the cokehead which led to me getting very stressed. However, I could at least recognise it this time.

I recognise so many feelings that ChocolatePuff has said she is feeling. I think the uneasiness comes partly from knowing that the behaviour is wrong and selfish and yet not wanting to acknowledge it as such because then something would have to be done about it.

I also tend to judge people (consciously or subconsciously) on what I would do in that situation. I don't know whether this is a fault or a good thing. It caused me a lot of confusion in the r/ship with the cokehead because when I had a few problems (my mum very ill in hospital during chemo/my dog getting attacked and having to spend the day at the vet getting stitched up) he was useless. He just went off with his mates and did coke/got pissed.

I know that had the situation been reversed I would have been much more attentive and concerned than he was. But when I asked other people if his behaviour was ok, some people said that I shouldn't expect so much because our r/ship was so young so I quashed how I felt again.

I think a lot of those feelings are coming into play here. ChocolatePuff knows what she would do and her partner is disappointing her by not behaving as she would - i.e. with empathy. It's not good enough to have him say - if you don't want me to go, I won't. That shows a complete lack of empathy on his part and again, IME, if you have to explain to someone just how a situation like this would make you feel, they're not going to be a great partner in the long run.

AnyFucker · 10/07/2012 12:12

< goes to Site Stuff to ask for a FB-y "like" button again >

MissFaversam · 10/07/2012 12:28

Im a simple guy, and i just dont really think about other people, or the way things might affect them.. it has been a problem in past relationships but i want to work on it

BULLSHIT

All a crock of bullshit OP

The man's a twunt.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 17:36

Thank u all again x
Shirsten it's true I'm so uneasy.. It's making me feel ill I can't eat or sleep at the mo. I also ask friends advice on what they would fo as I feel I don't believe or trust my own instincts. Getting validation from them and you guys, makes me feel like I'm not a freak/jelous gf. How can he not get it?! Cos he's insensitive and selfish, I know.

I'm going for a massage and then I'm supposed to be going to his, but I'm going to text him after my massage (I want it to be last minute for him) and say 'hey dp. I'm still feeling shit about this situation, I'm going to go home'

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/07/2012 17:46

I like that tactic... let's see how his simple mind responds to your last minute text.

kaumana · 10/07/2012 18:43

More power to you chuck! As others have said feel the fear and do it anyway.

It is really empowering!

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 21:01

He replied 'ok, well, see you soon hopefully x' I'm dumbstruck. I thought he cared. I'm so upset Sad

OP posts:
DowagersHump · 10/07/2012 21:06

Oh love, he didn't care - that's why he's been such an utter cock :(

But I am so sorry you're hurting. I know how horrible it is.

Have an unMN massive hug and Thanks and a Wine or Brew, your choice

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 21:08

Thanks Dowagers. I just feel sick and numb. what do you htink i should do now?

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 10/07/2012 21:10

Leave it. Get it out here, with friends. He is not into you, he does not care, you were his just do for now.

Hence the fuckwittery now this, keep your dignity and be glad YOU get to call the shots no before you get even more hurt.

AThingInYourLife · 10/07/2012 21:13

Don't do anything now.

DowagersHump · 10/07/2012 21:14

If I were you, I'd retire to the sofa with a crappy film, a bottle of wine and a box of tissues.

If you mean what should you do about him, I'd leave it. He's a manchild. He's 35 FGS. He started seeing you and then the woman he'd had a crush on gave him the come on and he slept with her. He's not a nice bloke. You deserve so much better.

You deserve to be with a man who thinks he's the luckiest man in the world to be with you. And this guy knows you're going to give him a hard time and doesn't want to have that because he really isn't at all committed to your relationship. I'm really sorry to have to say that but it's absolutely clear from your posts. He's walking away because you're not allowing him to treat you like crap.

You can leave this relationship with your head held high. He can't.

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 21:15

yes. when do you think i should dump him? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 21:15

why dont do anything now?

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 10/07/2012 21:19

I would say.....just leave it. It sounds like he knows the score and already knows it is over and cares not one jot. Read that message back.

DowagersHump · 10/07/2012 21:20

I think he's dumped you I'm afraid. Although he might well call for a booty call if stuff doesn't work out with his shag at the festival

Original poster
chocolatepuff · 10/07/2012 21:24

i want to text him 'seen as you dont give a toss about me, i think its best for us to finish. have a nice life'
what do you think?

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 10/07/2012 21:25

No keep your dignity.....he already knows.

Alurkatsoftplay · 10/07/2012 21:28

Oh, I'm sorry, you must be feeling all over the place. Don't do anything. He knows how you feel/what you need to happen. It doesn't sound yet like he is going to do it.

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