Turning Tavern IV - Down Bi the riverside, near the well of loneliness...

[NotForProfit]

Hi all,

thought i'd be proactive and start a new thread for the wenches of the turning tavern as the old thread's pretty much full...

for anyone new to this, it's a thread for women suddenly finding themselves attracted to another woman, so grab a glass of something intoxicating, pull up a chair by the fireside and we'll try to help one another deal with the elation, confusion and heartache of rediscovering your sexuality.

Really? No one?

Hello
I am from the old thread (name changed). I wonder what happened to everyone. I wonder if everyone sorted out their crushes, r-ships and yearnings. PM me if want x

Hi *BiStander

Yeah, I was wondering the same. I hope there are lots of happy endings

Oh well....I guess it's just the two of us that are still about

skater, glad you're happy now. I'm sorry to hear that the road along the way has been a little bumpy, but I guess when your life changes so dramatically like this, it's inevitable.

So how has everyone accepted the news then? Did you have a lot of support when you came out?

20Something I think the road for anyone is never easy. I found making the decision to leave the marriage the hardest part (actually waay harder than the sexuality/coming out bit), could I suck it up and stay married or not? What about H and DC's etc. Lots of therapy, marriage counselling and support and encouragement from threads on here about ending marriages plus RL support from friends got me through. As you say change of any sort is scary, when it impacts so big on your DC's it's the pits but I reached a point where I knew I couldn't go on and once I'd come out to myself I had to do something about my marriage.

Coming out to others hasn't been too bad....the overall reaction has been 'that's no suprise'. A couple of family members have seemed a little cool with me but friends have all been great, I mean truly great. I figure I've changed who I want to be in a relationship with not taken up axe murdering or seal clubbing as a hobby, if someone can't handle my sexuality that's their problem and I probably don't need them in my life if they can't accept who I am. Coming out is an ongoing process, my sexuality is irrelevant to many areas of my life but it is part of my identity.

I've made such a fab bunch of new friends and tapped into support and friendship groups for gay women in my locality so I do feel well supported....I did have my dark days when I wanted it all to go away though. As someone said to me 'it is possible to be living the wrong life and not realise it until something clicks'....something did click for me and hell, life would be dull if it was static!

skater, that was lovely to read. Sounds like you've had some fantastic support. It really makes all the difference and I am one of the lucky ones like you.

Having said that, also like you, it hasn't all been a bed of roses. I was in a very unhappy relationship. It made it incredibly hard to leave, because we have a young DD and also, the love was still there. I still care very much for him, even though we very much still have our differences, but we grew up together and you can't just lock that away can you.

A few years a go, I remember thinking to myself 'well this is it then, but it's ok, I can leave when DD is 18. I'll still be young etc', but then I realised that actually, I would be doing her no favours whatsoever, by being in an unhappy relationship and kind of gave myself a slap in the face. I still have days where I feel immense guilt, but then I have to remember that just because there are tough days where DD asks why me and her dad are no longer together, those days don't outweigh the good days, where I'm a happier and stronger mum for her. So far, she's never really questioned mine and my gfs relationship. I thought it would be massively confusing for her, but all she's said is that she thinks it's a bit odd for two women to get married, but that it's ok if they love each other.....and she was only 6 at the time! Oh and she thought it was fabulous that there would be two beautiful wedding dresses!

I know my situation isn't exactly the same. I didn't leave my ex because I was gay, however my bisexuality was probably what gave me the push. That might not make sense, but it was a very complex situation.

I did have support from most of my family as I say. Much more than I thought, but I have lost a few friends a long the way. It's been very gradual and subtle, but tbh, these were probably more acquaintances and nobody that I really miss. It certainly shows you who people really are. People I thought would be fine with it, have been a little frosty with me and people I assumed would be horrified, like my parents and grandparents, have been overall, amazing.

I would like to join a RL support group, but I haven't really found anything which I like. My gf doesn't feel that it's necessary for her, but believes it would really help me, as I'm very up and down with how out and proud I am. I'm not ashamed, don't get me wrong, but I do have days where I just think it would be easier not to hold hands, or show affection, just to avoid unwanted comments. I shouldn't have to of course, but it's still fairly new to me.

I did get in touch with my local LGBT group, but I was put off by a few comments where I'd read that women like me aren't always accepted or welcomed as much as others. Apparently I would be described as a "lipstick lesbian" (never heard of this) and that 'real' lesbians, get a tad suspicious when a very feminine woman, hence lipstick , joins the group. I really hope this isn't true, but I'm fairly shy anyway, so when I heard this, it really put me off going. God, I read that back and it sounds so offensive, but honestly, this is what I heard. Maybe you could put my mind at rest with that one

20Something I have joined a couple of different groups, one a networking thing for gay professional women, one a social group for over 35 gay women... there's overlap between the groups and both have all sorts in, butch women, feminine women, life long lesbians and plenty who have come out of marriages and 'fence jumped' . No one has judged me, I've just been made to feel welcome. There's also a local mental health service run LGBT group/forum - for men and women - which some people have found really supportive. Go go, get out there, it's fine.

I also met some people off the Pink Sofa website, I said I wasn't looking for a relationship in my profile and been honest that I'm leaving my marriage and been contacted by others in similar circs - have met up with some local based folk for coffees one of whom has become a really good friend and a great support and kept me sane over the past few months when I've been wibbling having come out herself last year.

Like you I think I would have left my marriage anyway eventually, my sexuality (or rather realising that was the missing piece in my life) was the grease that got me out the door.

I've got a ton of challenges ahead....telling my kids, STBXH moving out etc. but I'm confident we'll get there. STBXH is actually superbly brilliant about me being gay. Practically shunts me out the door to LGBT events and writing my online dating profiles....think he may just have been all done with the marriage too and be delighted that it can be pegged on me! I'll live!

New here hope that is ok. Im 28 married with 2 children, been together with dh since almost school days but slept with a few other men in my teens. I realised I was attracted to women a few years ago it was a bolt out the blue tbh, as a young child I had the usual crushes on boys looking back I think that was just peer pressure, trying to fit in with what I thought was 'normal' I didn't have crushes on girls In real life but was probably more interested than I should of been in female celebs, the underwear pages of the clothing catalogues for example! I have always found women to be intimidating until my realisation hit a few years ago and I realised why. Since then I've come out to myself that im bi, most likely gay I realise I have never felt physical attraction to a man and I just never noticed it. In the last few months I've came out to my husband its been tremendously difficult he thinks our marriage can continue as it is of course he doesn't want to split up our family or our marriage neither do I, but the urge to be with a women not only physically but to have that missing connection is so strong, its only a matter of time. More than anything I wish I had some friends to talk to and help me understand myself a bit more, I have come out (as bi) to a couple of very close friends who have been amazing but they are straight and don't really understand what im feeling, i have no idea where to start trying to find gay friends!

Hi, Dark. Welcome

God what you described sounds so familiar it's actually quite scary. Especially the crushes on boys, but looking you think it was more peer pressure. I used to have posters and stuff on my walls, but I knew I didn't really fancy them. I was just kind of going with the flow. Having said that, I can find a man attractive, but not just because of their physical appearance. I'm attracted to a person's charisma, but as I explore my sexuality more, I'm realising that when I find a woman attractive and charasmatic, it's so much more intense!

It sounds as though you're a little stuck, which again, I can completely relate to. I didn't want to break up my family. I didn't want to break my ex's heart, but there comes a time, when you can't live a lie anymore. It's not healthy for anyone involved. Are you happy with your DH? If you don't find him attractive, do you think that's really possible?

Another thing you said about feeling intimidated by other women, rings so true! I look back now and think it was probably more admiration and maybe the odd crush. One thing about being out as bi, is that I just don't get that intimidation feeling anymore. If I see a beautiful woman, I don't feel jealous, I might think something else It's bizarre, you'd think you'd understand your feelings, but I think it's very common to get your thoughts and feelings mixed up and it can take years to understand.............well, yourself.

Feel free to PM me I understand exactly how you're feeling, honestly. I was where you were a couple of years a go, at the same age too If I can help, I'd like to x

but looking back*

Hi, another newbie here. I haven't RTFT but will do when I get some time.

DH and I had a really bad patch last year and I cheated on him with a woman. I panicked a bit after it first happened, because I genuinely had no real idea that I was bi IYSWIM. I realised (in hindsight) that I'd had crushes on women for years, and had been sexually attracted to women for a lot longer than I thought but I'd squashed all the feelings down. DH and I have been having counselling and our marriage is a lot better, however I realise that I am more attracted to women than ever. I'm taking things one day at a time.

Now I'm happy with this aspect of my sexuality and I feel a bit more confident. I've never been really comfortable in very 'girly' clothes, and realise that I've always been more of a 'soft butch'. I'm embracing my inner butch stylewise these days. And I don't dress with the aim of pleasing men any more, I've started to please myself. It's very freeing. And I've started to notice when women are attracted to me which is both exciting and terrifying.

Hi balls

Glad to hear you're embracing your inner butch Interesting to hear that you're getting more attention from women since doing so. I remember when I first started understanding my sexuality, I went even more feminine, cos that's what makes me feel sexy and I also got more attention from women! So I'd suggest that it had little to do with what we were wearing etc, but the unconscious vibes we were giving out, given that we sound very different with our styles I think these days, stereotypes are being broken down slightly. Anyway, you must feel so much happier actually being you!

You say you've been having counselling and your relationship with your DH is much better, but it sounds as though maybe you're actively looking for something to happen with women?.... Is that right? Should make it clear I'm not judging, as I can completely relate. Is this something your DH is happy with?

Hi 20

I agree it's not about the clothes, it's about me. I am more comfortable in myself and that shows. :) I'm 42 and spent most of my adult life trying to make myself attractive to men. I was not 'dressed up' when I met this woman, I was wearing what made me feel comfortable. It's like a switch went off in my head; what men (general, not those close to me!) think of me is none of my concern.

I'm not actively looking for something to happen with a woman, as I don't want to cheat on DH again and it would break his heart. However, if we did split (and never say never, we are still working through some things) I'd be more likely to date a woman than a man.

Hi 20something, thank you for the reply and the welcome :)

Yeah as a young teen I had the typical boy band posters on the wall, would tell my friends I had crushes when really I didn't know what one was I just wanted to be part of the crowd and do what the adults did I always felt sidelined as a child and I aspired to be wanted I suppose, I knew they looked nice that was it for me going with the flow is definitely how id describe it. Then I met who was to become my dh at 18 we settled down before Id lived, looking back it was around this time I started really disliking women I had such intense jealousy and felt intimidated around attractive women I told myself I just preferred the company of men. Now that its all much clearer I realise my feelings for these women where supressed attraction, I don't feel any jealousy around them anymore infact i actively look at them and er feel other stuff ;) I can look at a man and think yep he's handsome to look at but I have no desire to touch him I can enjoy the personality but around women its so different I feel magnetised, their energy, their little mannerisms all draw me in its the full package.

I really am stuck, I don't want to hurt dh he didn't deserve me changing the game a decade in but I do feel like im living a lie I look at him like a friend, my best friend. He does anything for our family and provides for us well, I know I would really struggle to cope alone financially especially. Its terrifying and I cant shake the fear that I may be wrong about this all is it worth breaking up a family for.

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. I used to be in a position similar to some of you. Was married with a child and ended up leaving and am now happily gayed up. I don't want to give too many details but am around and will pop in on the thread from time to time.
Best of luck to you all, it's a very hard time. Much of what you have said is so familiar to me.

Hi Labrys. Glad to see another another TT lady

So a happy ending for you then?.....

I too left a marriage when I met a woman who knocked me sideways. Hasn't been easy but the love was and still is strong and feels right. Feel free to PM me.

Yes, mostly happy. :)

Good always nice to hear.

Thread's gone a little quiet.....

Still about.

I've done a lot of thinking over the last few days. I'm going to see my counsellor again and have a chat about my feelings. I've realised that I'm much more attracted to women than men, and my sexual attraction to DH has dwindled massively.

Balls, that's probably a very good idea. I hope it goes well