Turning Tavern IV - Down Bi the riverside, near the well of loneliness...

[NotForProfit]

Hi all,

thought i'd be proactive and start a new thread for the wenches of the turning tavern as the old thread's pretty much full...

for anyone new to this, it's a thread for women suddenly finding themselves attracted to another woman, so grab a glass of something intoxicating, pull up a chair by the fireside and we'll try to help one another deal with the elation, confusion and heartache of rediscovering your sexuality.

Hi Pro, yes of course everyone is welcome! we aer not all bi here though - some women decided that they aer off men for good . Some already emracing it and in similar position (married, kids) as you - like HappyTit. Personally i don't want to emrace it much as I was interested in one woman, which isn't working out, and I may tyr to go back to dating men, but I must say I'm more open minded now incase a woman gets interested!
It's really ironic but I now bump into lesbian couples, more within the last month than ever! But to prove my worries, all of these couples were of the same age, bar one (and then about 15yrs gap but both younger than me and wiq).

Well DH is not happy for me to have a relationship with a woman as such - cos I'm full on Bi it would be almost like dating another man at the same time. However he is happy for me to find a woman for us to 'share' so both go out with her, threesomes etc. but I do understand his point and I more than happy with that! He does like me snogging other women when we are out at the pub though cos he likes to watch! (typical bloke!)

As for advice, it depends what on. I've mostly had relationships with men - mostly due to even I being nervous about knowing / asking if a woman is interested. My advice - go to gay bars! Lol (only half a joke and even then some girls are straight!)

Will say though that relationships with women are very ... Ummm... Satisfying because they know exactly how everything works and how to work it.... If you get my drift!

exactly outmy, why not just talk to me. I'm not the most social person at all - I can chat away with friends but generally I don't want a lot of personal info from other people or to tell then about myself, but if I thought someone was genuinely trying to get closer I'd talk to them (she does like me after all rather than DISlike) and explain at least why I'm not up for it (especially obv if i thought they fancied me). I'm not some new acquintance either she knows me since last year. If she did find my approaches really annoying then she could have stopped contact. It's just obvious that she doesn't want to get rid of some barrier, be it sexual (potentially) or mental.

and you aer right that if she drinks more than I think she does, it will be an issue in the possible r-ship. Though I kind of tend to think that she may drink because she is lonely (on personal level) and maybe wouldn't need as much if she wasn't - it's mainly on w/ends though, generally it's just a glass or two in the evening.

Likea - my heart goes out to you. Yes why not just talk to you but maybe that age gap & different locations & different life experiences has all added up. Or maybe she's just rude. I feel powerless to offer help as my own personal experience doesn't include what you're going through. Just cry for your loss but remember its her loss.

Bravo Outmy - your support is fantastic.

thanks Happy. Are you planning that trip away?

Planning but not putting into action. WIQ's DH wobbles are pretty major and she doesn't feel its right at the moment. I fully understand and in fact have found myself questionning where we're just being greedy here. I'm feeling the weight of expectation and I've had to cut back on seeing WIQ as there's a bit of guilt creeping in. My youngest DC starts school soon and I've noticed Dc's behaviour gets needy when I'm trying to sit up close & personal with WIQ.

Nothing to worry about. Its just our lives and we're working throughout it.

Forgot to say hi to Pro. Welcome abroad. Hope you don't mind questions; I'm intrigued. So your attraction to women is only in the context of men? Does that mean its purely sexual? Or are you attracted mind, body & spirit?

aboard

Hi Happy
I do t mind questions - fire away!
My attraction to Women is full on, sexual and phycogical, mind, body and spirit. I could've easily fell in love and married a woman but I fell in love and married a man. It's my DH who doesn't want me having a 'full on' relationship with a woman any more and I totally respect his views on that. But it's also him who doesn't mind 'sharing'! (Not that I mind sharing either you understand.)
I do often find women more sexy than men though.

• Don't mind the questions.

Hi all, good to be back on the thread. I'm feeling slightly rested, although hols with the dcs are more of a change than an actual rest iykwim!

Likea - that sucks. i really hoped she'd be open and encouraging, given how much you clearly care about her. I agree with Outmy, it really does sound as though the drinking she does when you're around could just be the tip of the iceberg. From the tone of your post, it sounds as though you're starting to see her in a different light; the way you speak about her sounds more aware of her flaws, and how the 'lesbian tea' comment betrays either a total lack of consciousness about your feelings, or a strange kind of insensitivity. You sound so emotionally aware, i think you need someone similar (pity you and Outmy aren't geographically close as you seem to have a really close bond on here .) Sorry, that was a bit cheeky of me, but you know what i mean!

Happytit & Outmy - Not much new to report here; I had the choice to either wade through the 15000 new emails in my inbox or start reading through this thread, and I chose the latter! Although I did have a cheeky sift through to see if WIQ had sent me anything personal in the interim, and found something more friendly, although the jury's out as to whether it was actually flirtatious, and in it she refers to the night we bumped into each other, so it shows she was thinking about it afterwards at least [hopeful emoticon]

Haven't seen CW still, but did bump into a couple of acquaintances of hers from school today, one of whom i know is either bi or gay... [another hopeful emoticon] .

Sorry you're having to put plans on ice, Happytit, I think perhaps things were a little too plain sailing for you two until now, sadly. I think my dh would have wobbles, even though he is generally happy about my bi-ness. The reality is something different, i suppose. I really hope this doesn't mean things have to end for you two, you sound so perfect together. If i think about my dh with another man, i do feel wobbly myself, and as he is sort of bi too, I have to face that it could be a possibility at some stage

Ah right, it was Notfor's H who was bi - I did confused it HappyT's adn she was very surprised i suggested that her h was bi! of course it's all not easy or simple! I did say to Happy that she is very lucky with her h's attitude but the other side may be a problem. Has he ever showed interest in a man, even fleetingly, since being with you?
NotFor I know what you mean, outmy and I aer very good friends on here but don't forget our situations ar similar (more than to anyone's situations on the htread) so of course we understand each other more and also aer both into detailed analysis whereas the others don't have the patience - I think you need to be in that sotuation yourself to have that patience with similar stories. Unfortunately life is complex - you often get attarcted to someone who is not the bnest match emotionally, whereas you can an emotionally close friend but it's platonic of course. The sad thing about my wiq is, that there is SOME emotional connection, as i really like her (even with flaws - the critical tine is due to my resentment, if she was interested in me I wouldn't mention these flaws, it's just to explain what i feel annoyed about), and i know she likes me quite a bit from positive things that happened BUT she is closed off to more and wants to keep it at just nice friendly level with a bit of extra caring, rather than get really close as a friend or more. I think it's mainly her age and the less flexible mentality if her generation.

I did confuse it with

Likea- yes, he has expressed some interest in other men, but only maybe once or twice in 10 years.

I know, i was only joking about you and outmy really. I know it's a friendship based on very similar experiences and isn't about to turn into something else! It just struck me suddenly that all the successful relationships on here started with a friendship with lots and lots of open communication, and that's something you both do very well

I'm missing wiq today. What do you think about the email she sent me (referring to the night we bumped into each other)? Is it significant that she thought enough about it to try to initiate some friendly communication on the subject, do you think?

Whenever I try to picture things moving from (for example) sitting closely together and chatting to us kissing and touching, (which at times is just the physical difference of about an inch or so, depending on where we are and what we're doing) I just get the overwhelming sense that it would be soft and fulfilling and what i've been waiting for all my adult life... i sort of see us melting into one another in a wonderfully sensual way. being around her feels like coming home. at the moment, for some reason which might not be based in reality, I feel as though she's longing for me too... I wonder if she missed me whilst i was away, or if she barely noticed i was gone.

Outmy - i do apologise, i'm just secretly hoping for a wedding at the tavern

You're right, I have the attention span of a gnat, in rl and on mn. I'm only really good at examining things at 1am when dh wants to get some sleep and i'm bugging him for hints on how to attract women. he's had much more experience than i have in that respect. how weird our relationship must sound!

Oh no, i'm not hoping for anything with CW's friend/ acquaintance! She's quite traditionally gay-looking if that makes sense. very androgenous, and i'm pretty sure she has a female partner. She also helps to organise our local Pride, so she must be at least Bi. I was just thinking that it's a good sign that cw knows women who are (it seems) out and proud, and it might explain why cw seemed comfortable with eyeing me like i'm a piece of chocolate cake, even in front of both our dh's!

The jury's still out on the pg. I just don't know. I did mouth 'you're so pregnant!' whilst drunk when we bumped into each other and she wasn't drinking again. She just laughed. but she could simply be trying for one, i suppose.

NotFor, so what happened when he showed interest? did you say you wren't happy and he stopped at htat or was the interest insignificant?
I do have moments like htis too when i feel with wiq like I belong there, like coming home. I also sense that she sometimes feels similar 9unless it's a total projection) 0 that's what got me stuck for so long. Thinking in the cold light of day though, yes, ther is big age gap, she has no room for r-ship in her life (full on one) as her ds is now staying with her reguylarly and other things going on and social life, that all these possible feeling/attraction is neither here not there. Same can be with your wiq if she is pg and puts her P first.
I know what you are saying re friendships - it can happen that they grow into more, but I have/had a couple of very close friends in RL for whom I never felt anything more than friendship and never will. These htings are mysterious.

It wasn't so much him liking a particular man, it was more a matter of us exploring our fantasies together and him telling me about things he'd got up to as a student. i'd probably be uncomfortable if he ever wanted to act on it in rl, but so far that hasn't been an issue.

i know what you mean about feeling as though wiq's life is already full enough, perhaps too full for you. After we met up the other week, I was left with the same impression about my wiq, judging from certain things she had said...

now i'm not so sure. if you ask my gut instinct on her I would say she feels affection and love towards her dp but craves a different connection with a woman too. Right now, i'm about 90% certain that i'm that woman, but ask me in a week's time and i'll probably be only 10 or 20% sure, if that. there's no certainty in anything.

but so what NotFor? she may crave whatever but she may put love for her P and having a stable family with a child first. My gut instinct often says that wiq is very drawn to me, but for whatever reason she doesn't want to act on it - simply she's too sensible (or maybe i'm not sensible enough) and can't see it working in rl and is ok with the fantasy (if she is attracted), I wouldn't want to be a little fling or a secret and possibly she'd for that if it wasw offered but may sense that I'm too sensitive for that. Same with your - often hetero people have sexual longings for another man when they love a husband, and most just don;t act on it (if the marriage is happy).

*she'd be up for that

I mean it's not just gay longing that's not being acted on, it's vrey common with hetero partners to have longings that come and go (even if it's rare).